THE KING RETURNS
The Howard Stern Show for April 17, 2006

Howard started off his first show following his week-long vacation mentioning that he spent part of his time off in Miami Beach. Robin responded that she was in Florida during the vacation as well, a fact Howard wasn’t aware of before this morning. Howard went on to say that he ate at a restaurant in Miami that had such “a scene” going on that he would’ve “freaked out” if he’d been there when he was younger. Howard added there were a number of attractive women at the restaurant, but he could tell they were only interested in rich men or male models.

Howard continued that he also went to the pool at his hotel, which he said was another “scene.” In fact, Howard said the pool was such a special place that Beth thought she saw Oprah and he had a poolside chat with Jay Z and Beyonce. Howard commented that he didn’t notice Jay Z or Beyonce at the pool, but, after Beth pointed them out, he realized that Beyonce looked better than ever. Howard also commented that Jay Z congratulated him on his success at SIRIUS, but that was essentially the extent of their conversation.

Howard went on to say that Jay Z and Beyonce had a bodyguard at the pool who stood over them as they swam. Although he admitted he initially thought the body guard’s presence was a bit extensive, Howard mentioned that, when he found out there were paparazzi hanging out in the bushes by the pool trying to take photographs of celebrities, he understood why he was there. Howard added, though, that the paparazzi were still able to get photographs of Jay Z and Beyonce, which he acknowledged he found funny. However, Howard also reported that Beth opened yesterday’s New York Post and saw a picture of her and Howard in their bathing suits, which he didn’t find as amusing. Howard commented that, while Beth was covered up in the photo, he looked like he had “a pinhead with a big giant body” and that he was “ripped” last month before he gained 12 pounds following his three-week sickness.

Howard announced that Richard watched a number of the movies that have been entered in next week’s Howard Stern Film Festival and thought some of them were “amazing.” Because it sounded like there were quite a few high quality entries, Howard wondered why Doug Goodstein was limiting the number of finalists at the festival to eight. Richard commented that Doug has the event “planned down to the second,” which was why he couldn’t include more films.

Doug told Howard that “budgetary things,” including flying the finalists to New York, were the reasons why only a certain number of entries will be involved. Doug added that another reason they need to limit the number of entries is because, according to the show’s contract with the theater hosting the festival, the event has to be done by 10 p.m., because another show needs to be “loaded in” afterwards. After Doug added that the film festival can’t start until 8 p.m. because there’s “an earlier show” as well, he noted that he had to “deflect the blame” for the booking, explaining that members of the marketing team were actually responsible for the plans. Howard replied that he thought Doug was too accommodating and needed to let the theater know that they might need the facility for longer than the contract stated.

Artie asked Howard if he was part of “the party scene” while he was in Florida, which Howard said he wasn’t. In fact, Howard told Artie that he was so disinterested in being involved in the party lifestyle that, at one point, he actually called the front desk of his hotel to complain about the level of noise that was coming from the room below him from 2 to 6 in the morning. After Howard acknowledged that he’d go back to Miami Beach, Robin commented that she spent a good deal of her time in Florida on her boat with her instructors, Captains Carlos and Alfonso. Robin then reported that she took possession of her own boat for the first time yesterday and she and Captain Dennis took it out for a ride in the Atlantic Ocean. Robin added that the ocean’s water was “so navy blue” during their cruise that it was “such an amazing thing to be out there seeing.”
Since Robin was discussing her boat, Howard pointed out he watched Rosie O’Donnell’s special, “All Aboard!,” during his vacation and that he’s “digging her more and more.” Howard explained that Rosie organized a cruise for gay couples who have adopted children – many of whom, he said, were born to drug-addicted mothers – and that the program chronicled the time they spent together on the ship. Howard went on to say that the kids on “All Aboard!” had so much love for their adoptive parents and that Rosie “did a good thing for people” by organizing the cruise.

Howard brought up that, Allison, the woman who made her second appearance on the show earlier this month to show off the weight she had lost since she was on last year, got in trouble at her job over it. Howard commented that he couldn’t understand what was “so horrific” about Alison disrobing on the air, while Robin pointed out that, since Alison used to work for the state investigating child abuse cases, some people argued that her appearances might’ve affected her ability to perform her job.

Alison called in and reported that, contrary to some stories that have been written about her, she wasn’t suspended from her job, but was instead asked to resign. Alison commented that if she hadn’t resigned, she would’ve risked the chance of being fired, which she didn’t want on her record. Alison added that she didn’t face disciplinary action from her employer because she got naked, but because she associated her job with the show. After Alison said that she’s decided to take a different career path since leaving her job, she thanked Howard for having her on the show, noting she enjoyed herself during both of her appearances.

Howard mentioned that SIRIUS has been “a huge success” since he announced he was joining the service, explaining that, according to one recent study, 30 percent of his audience has already joined him even though the show has only been on for three months. Despite this, Howard said that he heard a number of news stories this past week that suggested his move to SIRIUS hasn’t gone as well as the company’s execs had hoped. After Howard commented that bringing 3.5 million subscribers to SIRIUS is “one of the biggest success stories in the history of broadcasting,” he pointed out that the organization that’s been responsible for the news – Jacobs Media – is a terrestrial radio consulting company that has a vested interested in the success of their clients. Following clips of some of the reports that have aired recently about the show, Robin pointed out that she’s heard more people have been subscribing to SIRIUS than XM each month since the show started airing in January.

Because he didn’t have many more tickets to give away to the Howard Stern Film Festival, Howard announced that people had to start coming up with ideas in order to earn seats to the event. The first caller who wanted to attend the festival claimed he and his wife would have anal sex on the air for a pair of tickets, which Howard acknowledged would warrant the prize.

The next caller mentioned that his wife, who he claimed was 26 weeks pregnant, would let Howard name their baby for tickets, Howard told him he’d rather have him and his wife engage in anal sex as well. As the two allegedly carried out the request, Howard wasn’t sure they were actually doing it. However, Howard said that he’d still give them festival tickets.

Howard acknowledged that, because of all the sex talk, he wanted to have phone sex and proceeded to take a call from Wendy the Retard. Wendy informed Howard that she was naked and wanted him to “mess around with her butt.” Howard wondered if it would be legal for him to have phone sex with Wendy and asked if he could talk to her mom about it. However, Wendy announced that she was home alone, explaining that both her mother and her sister went to Virginia and that she was taking care of herself.

After Howard played a voicemail a drunken Wendy left them last week, Robin wondered if she’s been eating since she was left alone. Wendy responded that she has been eating, adding that she consumes “two large supreme pizzas with everything on them and cheesy crust” from Pizza Hut for lunch, two Big Macs, three large fries and three Cokes for dinner topped off with a salad for dessert. After Wendy reported that she now weighs 230 pounds, Howard asked her how long it takes her to eat her pizzas, to which Wendy replied, “Not long.”

Howard took a call from a man named Albert, a registered sex offender and wannabe Wack Packer who served an 11-month prison sentence for having sex with a 14-year-old girl. Howard pointed out that Albert should’ve used common sense when it came to the girl regardless of how “aware” she seemed. Since Howard didn’t like the way Albert was telling his story, he asked Gary to give him the details. Gary then reported that Albert used to be a high school football coach, and, after leading his team to a county championship, returned home from a party to find the girl waiting for him at his doorstep. Albert, who mentioned he was 31 at the time, added that he thought the girl in question was 17, which he admitted was still crossing a line, but claimed that he wouldn’t have had sex with her if he’d known she was only 14. Albert went on to say that his misdeed was discovered when the girl reported him after he refused another of her supposed advancements.

Albert noted that, because of his felony conviction, he can no longer be certified as a teacher and isn’t even allowed to attend high school football games. Artie replied that the penalty seemed harsh to him, pointing out that Albert will now have to resort to watching grown men play football instead of high school students.

Howard told Albert that his story was “boring” and he couldn’t endorse him as a Wack Packer. Gary added that Albert’s story “looked good on paper” but agreed with Howard that he shouldn’t be a member of the Wack Pack.

Howard played a clip of Gary Garver interviewing some celebrities attending a recent 20th anniversary party for the movie, “9 to 5.” The first star of the film Gary spoke to was Dolly Parton, who, when asked if she’d get naked for Playboy, responded that “it’s a little late in the game” for that. Dolly then began laughing when asked if her costar, Lily Tomlin, ever hit on her, before admitting that she lost her virginity when she was “very young.”

After Jane Fonda refused to answer Gary’s first question – what she felt the differences between the war in Iraq and the Vietnam War were – Gary asked Lily Tomlin if she thought she “paved the way” for other lesbian comediennes. When Lily replied that “maybe” she was responsible for the success of lesbian comediennes like Ellen DeGeneres, Howard pointed out that not many people know that Lily is gay.

Howard commented that Sal was becoming increasingly upset at the fact that he wasn’t invited to the party Robin has been planning recently. Robin told Howard that she hasn’t decided if she wants Richard to attend her get-together, so she hasn’t invited him yet either, but added that there’s no chance Sal will be given an invitation. Sal came into the studio and promised Robin that he wouldn’t misbehave at her house, before mentioning that he’d “do anything” to be invited. Howard went on to admit that he was feeling badly for Sal and told Robin that she shouldn’t take his feelings about Sal into consideration when making her decision. Robin informed Howard that, although she weighed his opinion about Sal, she simply decided she didn’t want him at her house.

Howard asked Sal if he’d be willing to get waxed on the air for an invite to Robin’s party, but he wouldn’t go that far. Sal then said, though, that he’d let someone “shave his balls” and put carburetor fluid on his package – a stunt Bubba recently did on his show – if he was allowed to attend the party, but he drew the line at waxing. As everyone suggested other activities Sal should have to do in order to go to Robin’s house, Artie pointed out that “the creepy things” Sal was willing to do just to go to the party were the exact reasons he wasn’t invited.

While Jon Hein was in the studio reporting on what will air on today’s edition of “The Wrap Up Show,” he revealed that he was invited to Robin’s party. After finding out that JD was also asked to attend the party, Artie pointed out that Sal must really appreciate hearing the news. This led Fred to suggest that, since Robin would’ve invited Stuttering John to her get together had he still been working for the show, she should therefore invite Richard, seeing as he won John’s job.

Artie then mentioned that, while he was in Los Angeles during last week’s vacation, he went to Stuttering John’s house for dinner, and “the only word” he could use to describe the view from his property was “breathtaking.” Artie went on to estimate that John’s house must’ve cost “a few million bucks,” while Gary added that the view from his house was the kind of thing you see in movies.

Bong Hit Eric called into the show to request the “vagina song,” but wasn’t able to hear it when Howard honored his request. After Eric hung up because he thought he had been disconnected, Howard pointed out that Scott the Engineer had “to take some pride in his job” and have potential problems like this one worked out before the show starts. When Scott came into the studio, Howard noted that Scott’s “dark cloud” was starting to have an effect on him. Scott responded that none of the other callers had a problem with the phone lines this morning, so he didn’t know why Eric was having troubles. Howard then wondered if Scott was invited to Robin’s party, which he said he was.

Robin commented that Scott will always have a special place in her heart because of the way he “saved” her on September 11, 2001 by letting her drive his car home after the attacks. Howard then recalled that, despite what happened that day, Scott went bowling that night, an accusation Scott admitted was true. Robin went on to recall that, while she was driving Scott’s car that day, she heard something banging around in the trunk and discovered it was one of his bowling balls that had gotten loose.

Ronnie the Limo Driver told Howard that Scott recently organized a road trip to a NASCAR event, but hasn’t followed up on those plans. Scott explained that, since his son might be going to Europe at the time of the NASCAR event and since his wife wants either him or their son at home during the planned NASCAR trip, he’ll have to wait to find out what his son’s schedule is until he makes

Howard pointed out that Artie looked like he had a rash on his face, which Artie said was because he shaved off his beard this morning. Howard went on to say that one side of Artie’s face was “better” than the other, but added that Artie’s entire face was “still bad.” Howard then mentioned that he didn’t think Artie’s “a bad-looking guy,” but that he “tears at his face because he hates himself.” Artie responded that Howard was over-thinking his shaving ritual, adding that he shaves his back “very well.”