FATEL ATTRACTION
The Howard Stern Show for April 18, 2006

Howard began the show by taking a call from a listener who wanted to know more about the massage Beth O. received last week from a male masseuse. Howard then instructed Gary to get Beth on the line. As Gary was doing it, Howard commented on how much he enjoyed watching Gary work, through his monitor, while Fred played a montage of Baba Booey songs.

When Beth’s call was put through, she informed Howard that she was preparing turkey meatballs for him for dinner, which led Howard to tell her how much he loved her. However, Howard also admitted he and Beth had their first “real fight” while they were in Florida last week, explaining that he wasn’t happy that she received a massage from a male masseuse during their vacation. Howard added that he doesn’t have any rules when it comes to Beth, except for that she can only get massages from female masseuses. Beth responded that she felt guilty as soon as she saw her masseuse, Brian, but she couldn’t refuse him just because of his gender. Robin then mentioned that she understood Beth’s predicament, noting that giving massages was Brian’s job, and it would’ve been embarrassing for her to have to turn him away since he was already there.

Howard recalled that he found out about Beth’s massage, which was of the hot stone variety, because of a slipup she made after returning to their hotel room. Howard said that they were getting ready to go out to dinner and Beth said she was going to take a shower because “he” had gotten oil in her hair. Howard admitted he was so upset with the news that he locked himself in the hotel room’s bedroom and didn’t talk to Beth for hours afterwards.

Beth reported that Howard had nothing to worry about when it came to Brian’s physical appearance, noting that he was “a heartbreaking, little nerdy guy” who took his job seriously. When Beth assured Howard there was nothing at all sexual about her massage, he replied that he wasn’t worried about her getting turned on; rather that Brian may have had a different reaction. Beth went on to say the massage was “normal and lovely,” but she couldn’t enjoy it because she was so nervous about how Howard would react to it.

Beth said she wrapped herself in a sarong before her massage and, at one point, half of her rear end was exposed so that Brian could put rocks on it. Howard claimed he couldn’t touch Beth after he found out about her massage and Beth promised him it’d never happen again. Beth again mentioned that it was “really hard” for her to get into the massage because she felt like she was betraying Howard. When Fred asked Beth if she was having second thoughts about her massage while she was having it because it was being given by a man or because she knew she’d have to cover it up, Howard insisted it was both. Howard also pointed out that, if he’d been in Beth’s situation, he would’ve politely informed Brian that her boyfriend wouldn’t be comfortable with a man giving her the massage and then rescheduled it.

Howard announced that Beth received an offer to be a contestant on next season’s “Dancing with the Stars” and she’s mulling over the possibility. Beth explained she’s not sure she wants to do the show because, for starters, she’d stay in Los Angeles for as long as she lasted on the show and she might actually lose money by being tied to one job for so long. Gary then asked Beth how much she was offered for her role, noting he could’ve made about $100,000 for appearing on VH1’s “Celebrity Fit Club.” Beth replied she was guaranteed to earn a little more than that for just being on the show and could earn more than double the original sum, depending on how long she lasted on the program.

Despite the negatives, Gary pointed out that Beth would gain “a whole new audience” if she participated on “Dancing with the Stars,” which she agreed with. Howard then noted a friend of his suggested that there was a stigma attached to people who appear on such shows, but Robin didn’t believe this would be the case with Beth. Robin went on to explain that, unlike other people who typically appear on celebrity-themed reality shows, Beth wouldn’t be resorting to her role, but would instead be using it to help launch her career. When Beth mentioned she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to handle the criticism that would come her way if she was on “Dancing with the Stars,” Gary thought Howard’s fans would vote for her often enough to keep her alive for at least a few weeks.

Mariann from Brooklyn called in to say she didn’t think Beth should do “Dancing with the Stars” because people would accuse her of being on it only because of her relationship with Howard. When Artie wondered if doing the show would help Beth’s career at all, Beth responded that she has everything she wants in regard to her fame, but that she’s considering participating as a personal challenge for herself. Jessica Hahn called in to tell Beth that the “Dancing with the Stars” audience will “fall in love” with her because of her personality. Howard went on to say he would support Beth regardless of her decision and he might accompany her to the dance lesson she has planned for next week just to see what kind of moves she has.

Gary the Retard called in to say that, although he finds Beth “pretty cute,” he didn’t think she should be on “Dancing with the Stars.” Gary went on to reveal that when he and his “girlfriend” called in last month, they both lied about having had sex. After telling Gary that he’d call him back later to find out more details about his relationship with the woman, Howard pointed out that if Beth ends up appearing on “Dancing with the Stars” and leaving him for her dance partner, he would be forced to be “brutal” to her on the air. However, Beth assured Howard he didn’t have to be concerned about her leaving him, adding that, although she’s having fun entertaining the thought of being on the show, it isn’t something she thinks she’ll end up doing.

Howard took a call from Bob, the man who bought a company that sold various products, including a weight-loss chocolate product called Ayds in 1987. Bob mentioned that AIDS was just starting to get publicity at the time and that few people figured it was anything too serious. Bob added that, since the Ayds candy had been around for 20 years, it was worth about $5 million before it folded.

Bob said that before he decided to stop producing Ayds, he and other “marketing geniuses” decided to rename the product Ayds Slim, which he noted wasn’t a good idea, seeing as weight loss was one of the symptoms of AIDS. Bob went on to comment that he and his son now own a hair-care business called L’anza. Upon hearing this, Howard noted that he was planning on getting the bird flu renamed Lanza just to keep Bob’s product-naming streak alive.

Gary said he believed Howard when he said he’d support Beth if she decided to be on “Dancing with the Stars,” adding that Howard is “much more personable now” than he ever was before. Robin replied, though, that, as happy as Howard is, she didn’t think he’d be able to handle not having Beth by his side for up to six weeks. Robin then explained that Howard needs “routine and creature comforts” and they’re part of the reason why he’s doing well. Howard admitted he “gets crazy” when things in his life get out of place. Gary then noted, even if there is “bedlam” in Howard’s mind should Beth do “Dancing with the Stars,” he’d at least be aware of that bedlam, which he didn’t think Howard would have realized before.

Howard got Gary the Retard back on the line to clarify what his relationship with his supposed girlfriend was. Gary commented that he and the woman have never had sex, although she recently offered to flash him for $5. Gary added that the woman constantly asks him for money, which Howard pointed out he predicted would be the case once he found out the woman had once been in jail and was paying attention to him. Howard then told Gary that he should ignore the woman when she calls the same way he did when the “retarded flu” tried to get in touch with him. When Howard wondered if Gary and the woman at least kissed during their relationship, Gary responded that they did when they called in together last month, but that the woman immediately washed out her mouth once they were done.

Since Gary didn’t have a girlfriend, Howard took a call from a woman who really does love him: Wendy the Retard. Wendy began her conversation with Gary by telling him her “face turns all red” when she “takes a dump.” Wendy then claimed she “wants” Gary, before saying she “changed” her dinner menu yesterday and had salad instead of her usual meal of McDonalds. However, Wendy went on to say that she had two pizzas for lunch, as well as waffles with whipped cream, butter, syrup and cheese for breakfast.

Howard wondered who was smarter; Gary or Wendy. So he asked Gary to spell “red,” which he did. However, after Wendy correctly spelled “green,” Gary guessed that 9+7 was 8, while Wendy said the answer was 15. When Wendy proceeded to name both the president and the vice president and Gary attempted to spell “green” by saying “r-e-g-e-n-t,” Howard proclaimed Wendy the winner of the contest. Howard then instructed Gary to arrange for the woman who pretended to be his girlfriend to call in so he could straighten out the matter, and that, in the meantime, he should give Wendy a chance.

Although he recently left a voice message claiming he’d never call into the show again, Eric the Midget called in this morning to discuss the problem he was having with Will. Eric explained, just yesterday, he heard Will accuse him on The Howard 100 News of being in love with a 13-year-old country music prodigy he discovered. Eric added he’d “never be in love with anyone under the age of 18,” before Howard assured him that Will was kidding and no one really believed Eric had those kinds of feelings for the 13 year old.

As Howard asked Eric his opinion on this season’s “American Idol,” Robin claimed she had lost interest in talking to Eric after his last message. Howard agreed with Robin, noting he’s given Eric money, his own radio show and got him a cameo appearance on a television program, yet all he ever does is badmouth him.

Robin announced she recently discovered that Fred reads to his daughter every night. Howard thought this must be difficult for his daughter, but Fred replied she wasn’t old enough to be scared of him the way Howard was. Robin then mentioned she imagined Fred really getting into his reading, which Fred acknowledged he does, to the point of giving the various characters different voices. Fred went on to say that he’s even been thinking about recording some of his reading sessions and letting them air on Howard 100 for all the children who want to tune in before bed.

Howard’s dad, Ben, called in to say that if Sumner Redstone, one of the men behind the CBS lawsuit, didn’t have CBS’ money at his disposal, he wouldn’t be suing Howard. Ben then commented that he watched Rosie O’Donnell’s HBO special, “All Aboard!,” and didn’t think she’s been getting enough credit for all the work she does for the children featured in the program.

After discussing what happened between Howard and Rosie years ago to begin their feud, Howard asked Ben if he’d be willing to let his wife get a massage from a man. Ben replied that, as long as the male masseuse wanted to “make a living and wasn’t a schmuck,” he’d have no problem with it. Ben added that if male masseuses were “legitimate” and had the proper licenses, men shouldn’t be concerned with letting their spouses or girlfriends get massages from them. In fact, Ben claimed he would be willing to get a massage from a man himself, explaining that such an experience is supposed to be therapeutic and not sexual in any way.

Howard then asked his dad what he thought about Beth potentially being on “Dancing with the Stars.” After finding out the details, Ben said Beth should give it a shot, as long as she was “gung ho” about it. However, Howard responded that Beth seemed “more gung than ho” in regard to the opportunity, commenting that being away for such an extended time didn’t seem to appeal to her.

As Ben was saying goodbye, he told Howard that he loved him. Howard responded by joking that, although he appreciated the comment, he would’ve liked to have heard it off the air instead of on it.

Comedian and former show intern, Mitch Fatel, came into the studio to talk about his career. As Mitch was settling in, Howard pointed out that he’s “always proud” when his interns do well, because it makes him feel like he played a part in launching their careers. Mitch then noted the compliments Howard has given him on the air over the years have meant a great deal to him and, when he first started listening to the show at 15, Howard instantly became a hero to him.

Howard said he had heard Mitch was mad at the show, an accusation Mitch denied. Mitch explained he put off being a guest on Howard’s program because he wanted to wait until he became a successful comedian and he felt like he had finally reached that point in his career. Howard went on to say he visited Mitch’s Website yesterday and noticed a “Tonight Show” clip of him asking celebrities “goofy questions” at this year’s Grammys. Howard acknowledged that he didn’t appreciate the way Jay Leno not only hired Stuttering John as his announcer, but also got someone to ask celebrities goofy questions, a bit he started on his show. In addition, Howard also commented he didn’t like the way Jay seemed to be “talking down” to Mitch. Mitch responded that Jay’s been “very good” to him.

Although Mitch said he didn’t have a problem with the show, he couldn’t say the same thing about Fred. Mitch recalled that one of his jobs as an intern was to type up the show log every day and when he got mad at Fred he would he write “time bombs” – like “I hope Fred’s dead by now” – years in advance into the log. Mitch recalled one incident in particular involving an appearance Milton Berle made years ago on the program. Mitch remembered that Milton had said a lot of really great things about Howard during the interview and he thought it would make for a good opening for the show. However, after Mitch pulled the clip and produced the bit, he approached Fred with it and Fred “just stared” at him, questioning what made the tape so special. Because of Fred’s reaction, Mitch acknowledged that he started believing the clip wasn’t any good.

Mitch went on to say that, months later, he was helping to clean out an office, and the Milton tape was found and played. When Howard commented how “brilliant” the clip was, Fred replied he felt the same way and that he remembered preparing the tape, but didn’t know what happened to it. Mitch then said that, because Fred ignored him when he took some initiative, that he relegated himself to going back to just cleaning Howard’s potatoes for lunch everyday.

After hearing Mitch’s recollection, Fred responded that, although he thought the story “got better” since it first happened 20 years ago, he apologized for the way he treated Mitch. Fred also admitted that he used to “torture” interns, but he thinks he’s gotten much nicer as he’s gotten older.

Gary recalled a time when Mitch got mad at him as well. He explained that Mitch informed had him he wanted to be a standup comedian, so he asked Mitch to tell him his best joke. After hearing the joke, Gary advised Mitch “not to quit his day job.” It wasn’t until later that Gary found out Mitch was truly upset by his remark, saying that he wasn’t actually evaluating his comedy with it, but was just giving him a hard time instead.

Gary then brought up the time he and Mitch went to a “Comic Relief” event in the 1980s. Mitch asked Norman Lear, who had just won a lifetime achievement award, if he thought Fox had anything to do with the death of Joan Rivers’ husband, Edgar Rosenberg. Gary recalled that Norman “glared” at Mitch before repeating, “Oh my god.” In fact, Gary added that Norman was so taken aback by the question that he addressed it again later while dealing with another reporter’s questions.

Mitch recalled having to leave his internship because he needed to get a paying job and introduced Howard to his friend, Stuttering John, who, of course, took over his position. Mitch said he got a jobs as a waiter at an all-night diner and at a cappuccino place after working for Howard and that both jobs motivated him to keep working toward his goal of becoming a standup, even though he admitted that Gary’s recommendation that he not quit his day job was always in the back of his mind.

Mitch said that he’s been living off his comedy career for the past decade and he’s gotten a number of girls during that time. However, Mitch added he discovered that most of the women only liked him because they thought he was funny, but they lost interest in him once they discovered his offstage personality wasn’t always the same as his onstage one. Mitch then mentioned that his current girlfriend is 19 years old and her parents liked him at first, even though he’s 38. Mitch noted, though, that the girl’s mother started giving him a hard time recently because he posted a picture of him signing a woman’s breasts on his Website.

Richard came into the studio and announced that Robin and Fred have hired a professional crew to make their entry for next week’s Howard Stern Film Festival. Richard added that, regardless of the film’s content, Robin and Fred’s movie will have a higher-quality look than those made by amateurs (like him and Sal) and he wasn’t sure if that was against the rules. After Fred insisted that he and Robin were following the rules of the contest, Doug Goodstein acknowledged Robin and Fred’s film cost about $5,000 to make, and according to what he’s been told about it, the film should be “funny and disturbing.” Fred replied he was happy to hear Doug’s description, explaining that “funny and disturbing” was the reaction he and Robin were looking for.