THE PORN STAR & THE POT HEAD
The Howard Stern Show for April 18, 2007

Howard began this morning saying he voted 15 times for Sanjaya yesterday, while Robin noted she was able to get through only five times. Howard then commented Sanjaya could help his own movement if he started singing “a little better” and played a clip from his performance last night of Bonnie Raitt’s “Something to Talk About.” After Sanjaya’s singing, Simon Cowell referred to it as “utterly horrendous” and explained he wasn’t a fan of Sanjaya because he thought he was mocking the entire point of “American Idol.” Howard went on to report one of the contestants on the show dedicated his performance to his “friends” affected by the Virginia Tech shootings, and that he saw Simon roll his eyes at the remark. However, Howard added he felt the producers of “American Idol” must’ve noticed Simon’s eye roll as well because he quickly announced how upset he was by the tragedy.

This led Howard to point out a few of the shooter’s English professors had predicted he would do something dangerous based on his writing, but they were so afraid of him they didn’t act on their suspicions. Fred responded, though, that he’d read two of the killer’s plays on the Web, and all he got from them was that he was “a shitty writer.” After reading a story about how the killer’s former roommate was scared of him as well, Howard recalled how he ended up rooming with the man who became his lifelong friend, Dr. Lou, because he was nervous about the person who was supposed to be his roommate after seeing him jumping on his bed wearing women’s underwear and holding a bong the first time they met.

Howard proceeded to discuss some details about various people gunned down Monday, which he added made him feel worse about the tragedy. Fred then noted he thought one of the shooter’s plays was slightly better than the other, and Howard wondered if it’d be a good idea to produce one of them for Howard TV.

Artie said he thought there was something “extra creepy” about one of yesterday’s guests, porn star, Nick Manning, and Robin agreed. Gary then came into the studio and reported he was bothered by Nick’s “swagger” and his habit of referring to himself in the third person, but Howard felt that aspect of Nick’s persona was a mask for what he really thought about himself given his career. Howard went on to say, though, that he thought Nick was a great radio guest, and played a number of sound bites he recorded, all of which involved his porn catchphrase, “Dropping loads.”

As Howard continued to play some of Nick’s sound bites about various people on the show, he asked why the clips weren’t labeled so he could identify which person each one addressed. Gary then came back into the studio to explain he couldn’t label them the way Howard wanted because of the system the show used, but Howard demanded he not worry about the system and instead label the bites the way he wanted. Howard went on to bring up an article in a recent edition of Sound & Vision that featured Gary’s new home, and read some of Gary’s quotes that he thought were funny. Artie also pointed out even he felt Gary’s photograph on the cover of the magazine wasn’t overly flattering, explaining, to him, his wife and children looked like typical Connecticut residents while Gary looked like he “worked for them.”

After Robin read lists about Gary from the magazine concerning his favorite CDs and DVDs, Gary mentioned Sal’s wife, Christine, got dressed up last night for a PTA meeting at their kids’ school and then stayed out until 11 o’clock with some of her friends. Sal then came into the studio and pointed out he’d heard Gary was having a dinner party which he hadn’t been invited to, and Gary acknowledged that was true. When Gary revealed Benjy was one of the six people from the show who were invited to the get-together, Howard played a clip of Benjy harassing a CNBC reporter who was live on the street by yelling, “Vote for Sanjaya!” before getting taken away by the camera crew.

Howard then turned the topic back to Sal, who reported he and Christine hadn’t had any kind of sex since he injured himself in Florida last month, and that he’d even started dreaming about having sex with her. Sal went on to say he found these dreams odd because he usually dreamt about having sex with someone other than his wife, which drew some questions from Howard and Fred. Howard proceeded to play a message Richard’s dad left him on Easter talking about how they were “eating good” because he’d found some wild asparagus growing by their house, as well as one Artie left Richard pretending to be his dad.

Jessica Hahn called in to talk about how she recently needed to have her breasts redone, and that they were “better than ever” following her surgery. As Jessica was talking about her body, Artie acknowledged he thought Jessica was the one person who Howard might’ve been unfaithful with during his marriage, but Howard insisted that wasn’t the case. When Artie then asked if anyone from the show had ever slept with Jessica, Howard reported he once witnessed Jessica “using her feet” in the back of a car on Ralph over his pants, and Fred admitted he would’ve made a move on her had he been single since he’d known her.

After Jessica brought up roasts on the show, Howard announced Andy Dick was named as the show’s next roastee. Artie responded to the news by laughing and pointing out he figured Andy’s roast would be much like his own given their similar drug histories, only with an added bonus of gay jokes.

Howard gave Artie an ear contraption designed to wake people up who fall asleep while driving, asking him to wear it during Robin’s news to stop him from nodding off during the segment. Artie then mentioned how an intern, named Jenny, approached him to ask if he’d be willing to go on a date with the winner of the upcoming Intern Beauty Pageant, and she came into the studio to discuss it. Although Jenny claimed she’d never fantasized about Artie or having him as her boyfriend, she added she’d go on a date with him if the situation ever presented itself.

After Jenny left the studio, Artie revealed he’d be bringing a date to Gary’s upcoming dinner party, and that they’d only seen each other once so far. This led Gary to get on his intercom and acknowledge he couldn’t wait to meet the woman, while Robin noted she could tell Artie was officially “playing the field.” After Artie reported he’d been with four women since he and Dana ended their relationship, Howard commented he thought his success was an example of why he didn’t need to lose weight seeing as women were still willing to sleep with him despite his size.

Howard had Miss High Times, Sarah, and porn star, Jennifer Steele, into the studio so Bong Hit Eric and Bong Hit Bill could “smoke the puss” with Jennifer. Sarah began by explaining she was a student who promoted the magazine, and that she was chosen as the spokeswoman after she wrote a song and demonstrated her talent, which involved “lighting a joint” with her feet. Sarah went on to say her parents were proud of her because they were former hippies themselves, and that she’d been smoking with her dad since she turned 16. Sarah also said she dated a few girls when she was in high school, and that she’d already smoked before coming into the studio today. Sarah then named the prices she paid for her marijuana, which ranged from $40 to $50 depending on the quality and amount she purchased.

Howard also spoke to Jennifer, who reminded Howard she was on the show last year to perform “the butt bong.” Jennifer then explained how she’d be inserting a bong into her vagina for today’s bit – which Howard pointed out they would be using tobacco and not marijuana – and proceeded to tell Artie that she’d be willing to perform orally on him in the studio, an offer he turned down.

Bobby Black from High Times, Bong Hit Eric and Bong Hit Bill all came into the studio, and Artie pointed out he felt Bobby was wearing “the tightest shirt” he’d ever seen “on a pothead.” Bong Hit Eric then took a hit, as did Sarah, Shuli and Bill. However, Howard admitted the bit was better with the visuals, and ended it after everyone had taken a hit.

While he waited for Paul Mooney to arrive at the studio, Howard mentioned John Kerry was one person who was now saying Don Imus shouldn’t have been fired, while Artie added Bill Maher had taken that stance from the start. Robin then mentioned she’d left her booth to say hello to Miss High Times during the commercial, and thought she smelled like marijuana. This led Artie to say he thought white women who had dreadlocks, as Sarah did, didn’t wash their hair in order to get that look, and Howard agreed with the assessment. Howard also wondered if Sarah dreadlocked “her hair down there,” but Artie responded that, if her hair was long enough down there to even think about doing that, he didn’t want any part of her.

As Howard asked where Paul was, Robin said people were wondering the same thing when New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine didn’t show up to mediate the meeting last week between Don Imus and members of the Rutgers women’s basketball team. Artie then noted the vehicle that was carrying the Governor to the meeting before it crashed was traveling more than 90 miles per hour en route to the engagement.

When Paul Mooney arrived, he noted he thought Don Imus should’ve been “lynched” as opposed to fired for his remarks, while adding the “new n-word” was “nappy.” Paul then said he felt there was a difference between what Imus said and what rappers do for a living because Imus didn’t come from an environment where those kinds of words were prevalent. Paul went on to mention how he was particularly upset with Imus’ remarks given the fact that there were “nappy heads” fighting for him in Iraq, and addressed the potential racial implications that could arise from such words. Paul then predicted that America would “fall” if people didn’t start taking race relations more seriously, and added the fact that people in the rap world used certain words didn’t give people like Imus the right to do the same thing.

After Al Rosenberg called in to report he’d worked for Imus for a decade and heard him use racial and religious slurs firsthand, Howard asked Paul how he felt about Jesse Jackson’s and Al Sharpton’s own checkered pasts, but all Paul would say in response was that he believed America was to blame for the entire controversy.

Paul announced a show he was working on, “Judge Mooney,” was supposed to air on Comedy Central, but ended up on BET because Dave Chappelle was one of its producers, and his relationship with the Comedy Central was ruined after he left his own show on the network. Paul proceeded to call what happened at Virginia Tech “horrible,” although he also commented that it proved people would do anything for “white p*ssy.”

Paul then admitted he’d recently “slipped up” on his self-imposed ban of the use of the n-word onstage, but insisted that was part of his act. Paul next brought up a number of other racist terms for black people, and asked where they originated. This led Paul to acknowledge he didn’t know why black people were sometimes referred to as “monkeys,” explaining he thought white people looked more like chimps than black people did.

Paul revealed he wanted Hillary Clinton to be the next president because he thought she was “very smart” and was “a moneymaker.” After Paul added he respected Hillary for the way she survived the scandals surrounding her husband when he was president, he said America was “ready” for a woman president, and that he felt Barack Obama was “too skinny” to win election. Paul did say, though, that he’d like to see Barack run as Hillary’s vice presidential candidate, but that was only because, to him, it meant Hillary would never be assassinated.

Paul recalled the time he was in a cab in New York, and that his cab driver, who was also black, was pulled over for eating a cookie while driving. Paul then said the officer who stopped the cab shined his flashlight on him and asked where he was going, which Paul noted he refused to answer at first. However, Paul proceeded to mention he finally told the officer he’d get in trouble if the cop knew where he was going, and, when the officer asked why, he responded it was because he was on his way to the officer’s house.

Paul brought up that he felt Madonna’s newly adopted son looked “scared” of her, which led him to discuss his own childhood. Paul recalled his grandmother used to tell him when he was 7 years old to never let anyone in her house when he was there, and that he listened to her, even when his own mother once came to the door claiming she had to go to the bathroom. Paul then said the “whooping” he would’ve gotten from his grandmother had he disobeyed her, even to let his own mother in, was enough to make him do whatever she wanted, and added he believed it was the lack of that kind of discipline that was ruining today’s children.

• The search for the next host of “The Price is Right” has been narrowed down to three or four candidates.

• A manager of Scores West was injured during an incident yesterday in Harlem.

• The German army instructor who made a racist comment last week was dismissed.

• Larry Birkhead has been allowing the daughter he had with Anna Nicole Smith to be photographed.

• The vehicle transporting New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine to Don Imus’ meeting with members of the Rutgers women’s basketball team last week was traveling 91 miles per hour when it crashed.

• People gathered on the campus of Virginia Tech to pay tribute to those who died or were injured there on Monday.

• President Bush offered his support at a convocation held on the campus as well.

• The gun shop owner who sold the guns to the Virginia Tech shooter said his indirect involvement in the tragedy made it even more difficult for him to accept.

• Some people have blamed violent video games for the massacre.

• Lawyers for Michael Skakel are trying to get him a new trial.

• Presidential hopeful Tommy Thompson apologized to Jewish people for a comment he made about them.

• Anthony Hopkins has a new movie coming out called “Fracture.”

• Sanjaya is looking to stay alive tonight on “American Idol.”