CARMEN + SYBIAN = HISTORY
The Howard Stern Show for April 7, 2006

Howard began the show mentioning that he prepared a meal he calls “concoct” for him and his daughter last night. Howard explained that he came up with the name “concoct” because the dish requires a number of ingredients, including steamed chicken, broccoli, snow peas, rice, chicken stock and soy sauce. Howard went on to say, though, that he’s been trying to lose weight, but that he can’t get back into his exercise routine. Howard added that, when he recently tried going for a run, he ended up losing his voice, which he attributed to the physical activity. Given this, Howard said he’s been hesitant to run again. After Robin suggested that Howard ease his way back into running, Artie noted that he recently played in a game of half-court basketball, but that, eight seconds into it, he had to yell for a sub because of his physical condition.

Because of his weight gain, Howard commented that he wanted the cast to start wearing military uniforms so he doesn’t have to worry about constantly buying new clothes for his changing body. Artie responded that he wears only one jacket per winter, which Howard said he’d noticed. Howard then mentioned that he was surprised Artie didn’t wear a different outfit this morning, because Carmen Electra was coming in. Artie replied, though, that he doubted “a different shirt” would improve his chances with Carmen.

Howard reported that his daughter had one glass of wine during their dinner and he drank the rest of the bottle. After Howard admitted that he didn’t want Carmen to know that his oldest daughter, the one with whom he ate dinner, is in her 20s because it makes him seem old, he said he watched both “Lost” and “Survivor” last night before going to bed. Howard then mentioned that, to him, the female contestants on “Survivor” always get “hotter” as the seasons go on, before adding that the episode of “Lost” he watched was “annoying.” Howard added that, although he doesn’t like Leslie Moonves, he can’t help but tuning into “Survivor” and “How I Met Your Mother,” both of which are CBS shows.

Howard took a call from Robert, who he said was on hold for five hours during each of the past two programs without getting through either time. Robert commented that he stayed on the line for so long because he was “optimistic,” but also admitted that he didn’t really have anything interesting to say. This led Gary to come into the studio and point out that Robert actually had a question, which he told him to ask. Robert then wondered when Howard was going to have Bobcat Goldthwait and Richard Belzer back onto the show. Howard responded that Bobcat seems to have a problem with the program and Robin pointed out that he always had “a Seinfeld attitude” whenever he came on, explaining that he never seemed to really want to be there. Howard went on to say that Richard comes on once in a while and that he’ll be a guest again in the future.

Howard brought up that Sal sent a personal e-mail to him that accused Jon Stewart of stealing the show’s question of “what race would you eliminate from the earth” for use on “The Daily Show.” However, Howard added that, when he didn’t respond to the message, Fred then got an e-mail from “a listener” who mentioned the same thing. Howard also said both messages contained a sentence that included the line “last month we wrote and broadcasted…” and that the author of each one made “Puerto Ricans” one word and didn’t capitalize the word “Jews.” Howard then accused Sal of sending both e-mails and using his real name on only the one he sent to him.

Sal came into the studio and swore on the lives of his children that he didn’t send the second e-mail, explaining the allegation against Jon Stewart was on the Stern Fan Network, so anyone could’ve sent it in. Sal went on to insist that the duplicate message might’ve been a result of “an error in Fred’s system,” which Fred felt was the “lamest lie” he’d ever heard. As Sal continued to defend himself, Howard pointed out that Gary was holding a “Moron” sign over Sal’s head.

Bobo called into the show and asked for two tickets to The Howard Stern Film Festival. Howard replied that he could have them, but that Bobo could only attend the event if he promised not to wear his toupee. As Bobo talked about his hairpiece, Howard announced that he got a note that said Bobo already had two tickets to the festival and that he was just trying to get more. Bobo replied that he wasn’t sure if he already had passes to the event and promised Howard that he wasn’t trying to pick up extra tickets. After Howard admitted that he wasn’t happy with Bobo’s actions, he realized that he wasn’t sure where the festival was being held. Doug Goodstein then came into the studio and told Howard that the festival will take place at the Hudson Theatre in Manhattan.

While Lisa G. was in the studio reporting what The Howard 100 News would be covering today, the fact that Scott the Engineer’s mother told him that their whole family has a black cloud hanging over them came up. Scott entered the studio and told how his mother broke the news to him when he was in his “early, early teens,” adding that she felt the curse exists because nothing ever went right for her and Scott’s father. Scott added that the curse has hampered his sister and aunt as well as himself, but that his son hasn’t been affected by it. Artie then pointed out that Scott’s black cloud could’ve been lifted had he agreed to get “f’ed in the ass for money” on the air as he once thought of doing and, had that happened, his black cloud would’ve been named Lexington Steele.

When Carmen Electra came into the studio, Howard pointed out that she was “finally” thinner than her husband, Dave Navarro. Carmen replied that she now weighs about 107 pounds, which Howard acknowledged was exactly the weight he was going to suggest to her. Howard then asked if Carmen thought it would be “weird” if he dimmed the lights and pleasured himself to her – which she said would be fine with her. However, Howard thought Carmen seemed uptight and Robin commented that it might’ve had something to do with rumors she’d heard about Carmen and Dave possibly breaking up. Carmen laughed off the gossip, though, assuring Robin that “she and Dave are good.”

Carmen reported that she was an original member of the Pussycat Dolls, but that she had to leave the group when it signed its record deal, because she wasn’t offered enough money. Carmen then explained that, prior to the record deal, she worked with the Pussycat Dolls for free, but that, since there was no record contract, she wasn’t forced to perform or sing if she had other engagements. Carmen added that she now performs with a group called the Bombshells and that she recently sang with them at a lesbian-themed concert.

After Carmen showed Howard that she was wearing both a thong and a regular pair of panties, she admitted to him that she recently made out with a woman in France. Carmen recalled that, at the time, she and the woman were on a talk show, and the host of it asked if they’d kiss. Carmen said she informed the host that she’d kiss the woman only if he made out with a man, which, much to her shock, he did. However, Carmen acknowledged that her kiss with the woman didn’t involve any tongue and that it was “lame.”

Carmen mentioned that she has a cameo in “Scary Movie 4,” which she said opens next Friday, before telling Howard that she flew into the city last night, but that she didn’t go out. Carmen reported that, instead, she took a bubble bath and went right to bed. When Howard wondered if Carmen shaves herself, she replied that she gets waxed by a professional in Los Angeles and that the woman who does it actually rubbed her legs and rear end once in an “almost sexual” way. Carmen noted, though, that she let the woman go through with her touching because she didn’t want to offend her by telling her to stop.

Carmen also commented that she slept in nothing but sweatpants last night, but that she didn’t masturbate – this time. However, Carmen went on to claim that, in the past, she’s pleasured herself while thinking about Howard and that his presence – even if it doesn’t necessarily involve sex – in these fantasies was enough to get her excited. Howard responded that he was surprised by the news, adding that most women think of him when they want slow down.

Howard said he wanted Carmen to get on the Sybian and Gary wheeled it into the studio to show her. Upon seeing the machine, Carmen said that she couldn’t ride it because she was wearing a skirt, but Howard asked her to sit on it just to see what it was like. Carmen then asked who else had ridden the Sybian and Gary jokingly told her that Cameron Diaz had been on it, while Robin added that Glen Close also spent time on it. Although neither Cameron nor Glen have been on the SIRIUS show much less the Sybian, Carmen agreed to get on the machine after.

Gary started Carmen out at 20 percent, which she reported felt “kind of good.” As Gary got the speed to 40 percent, Howard said that Cameron was able to handle 80 percent, while also pointing out that, given that Carmen had dated Dennis Rodman, she could go higher. Gary then went to 60 percent, 80 percent and finally 100 percent. However, Carmen told Howard that, although she felt like she could have an orgasm, she didn’t want to go that far in the studio. After she got off the machine, Carmen reported that her legs were tired, but that the Sybian could’ve gotten her “where she needed to go.”

Benjy told Carmen that he had a question for her and requested that she answer without any input from Howard. Benjy proceeded to ask Carmen about the time she and Howard showered together. Carmen replied that the event took place in Malibu on the Fourth of July several years ago – before she was married to Dave and right around the time Howard had just met Beth – and that, while talking to Howard, he proposed that they take a steam shower together. Carmen went on to say that she and Howard talked while they were in the shower – wearing their bathing suits, but that no touching occurred. Howard then commented that he didn’t know Carmen well at the time, so he didn’t make a move on her because he didn’t want to be “creepy.” Howard added that he was cold when he asked Carmen to take the shower with him and that the main reason he wanted to move their conversation there was to get warm.

When Benjy next asked Carmen if she and Howard had ever kissed, she insisted they hadn’t. However, Benjy informed Carmen that he studied “Neuro Linguistic Programming,” and that he sensed she was lying about having never kissed Howard.

Ralph called in and asked what “the most public place” that Carmen ever had sex was. As Carmen replied that it was in a movie theater when she was in high school, Howard asked her if she and Dave had a prenup. Carmen revealed that she and Dave do have a prenup, while also saying that she bought the house they currently live in. Howard then told Carmen that the next time she comes into the studio, she has to be naked, a stipulation to which she agreed.

Howard commented that he’d never seen his next guest, Jeff the Drunk, without his hat and he noticed his head looked “really sweaty.” However, Jeff told Howard that, although he might’ve been “greasy,” he wasn’t perspiring. Jeff went on to say that he sold 700 copies of his CD, “Jeff Takes Manhattan,” to record stores, but that he didn’t know how many discs have actually been purchased by customers. When Artie noted that Jeff should consider doing a CD signing in order to boost sales, Jeff told him to “book it, bitch.”

Jeff reported that his right arm has been “dead” since 1986 and Howard noted that Dr. Ellen McGrath might have been onto something when she suggested on “Meet the Shrink” that he have it amputated. Jeff replied, though, that, with his luck, doctors would find a way to make his arm functional again the day after he had his arm cut off. As Howard admitted that he understood Jeff’s logic, Jeff interrupted him to give “shout outs” to women named Sue and Donna.

As Jeff started singing his cover of Jimmy Buffett’s “Margaritaville” to prerecorded music, Sal came into the studio and waved a plastic penis in front of his face. Following his performance, Jeff mentioned that he was allowed to record his renditions of the songs on his album without getting permission from the people who originally wrote the music, explaining that covers don’t require such approvals. When Gary then asked Jeff who played the actual music on his CD, Jeff simply replied, “Joe.”

Jeff then sang “Born to be Wild” by Steppenwolf and Howard pointed out that, during his rendition, Sal dumped the contents of a trash can on Jeff before leaving the trash can itself on his head.

Robin said she couldn’t believe how long the fingernails on Jeff’s dead hand were, while Howard wanted to know how his mother was getting along this morning without him. As usual, Jeff insisted that his mother is dependent on him and added that she wouldn’t be able to “eat a f’ing thing” until he got home. Jeff went on to say that he gets $600 a month through social security, as well as another $130 per month in food stamps. However, when Howard mentioned that Jeff and his mother should be able to live on that money alone, Jeff reported that he spends $149.95 of that money per month on cigarettes, and between $200 and $300 on booze. Jeff also said, though, that his mother doesn’t like to eat, so she doesn’t want anything fancier than the grilled-cheese sandwiches he often makes for her and that saving money would therefore not make her life any better. Robin then pointed out that, to her, it sounded like Jeff’s mom was trying to starve herself just to get away from her son.

As Howard was talking on the phone to two lesbians from San Francisco who were having oral sex with each other, Jeff came back into the studio and announced that he wouldn’t be coming onto the show anymore. Jeff explained that, while he was in the hall, Sal and others jumped on him like he was “a piece of f’ing meat” before wrapping him in toilet paper and duct tape. However, Howard told Jeff that he was overreacting and demanded that Ronnie the Limo Driver put a stop to such behavior if it ever begins to occur again – giving him permission to “take Sal” down should he try anything further.

Mike Walker of the National Enquirer called in for this week’s round of The Gossip Game. According to the contest’s rules, Mike tells four gossip stories, only three of which are allegedly true. Everyone then tries to guess which report is false. Mike discussed the following stories this morning:

(1) Nicole Richie found a text message from Paris Hilton on her boyfriend, DJ AM’s, phone of and threw the phone out their hotel room window.

(2) Jessica Simpson didn’t know what pieces to buy at a jewelry store, so she picked eight items, one for “each day of the week.”

(3) Alyssa Milano said she’s been inspired to adopt a baby from a Third World country.

(4) Nicollette Sheridan told guests at a party that she and her boyfriend, Michael Bolton, are going to have kids, but he responded that he isn’t interested in starting another family.

Howard thought about picking the first story as the imposter, but decided to go with the Alyssa Milano story. After Robin agreed with Howard’s pick, both Fred and Artie went with the Nicole Richie story. When Mike revealed that Fred and Artie were correct with their guesses, Howard acknowledged that he should’ve stuck with his first guess.