WAX ON, WAX OFF
The Howard Stern Show for February 13, 2006

Howard started the show commenting on what a mess Manhattan was this morning because of yesterday’s record-breaking snowfall. In fact, Howard said the weather was so bad that he recommended people avoid coming into the city if it at all possible. Robin added that, although she thought the snow was “beautiful,” she acknowledged that having “to deal with it” was difficult. Howard also pointed that the two feet of snow that fell in the metropolitan area seemed to disprove global warming, which led Artie to suggest that more people should start pointing their hairspray bottles at the sky when using them.

Howard awarded “The Cool Guy of the Week” honor to Vice President Dick Cheney, who, Howard joked, is doing the country a service by shooting right-wing republicans after a hunting accident this past weekend. Howard reported that the vice president’s “shooting victim,” Harry Whittington, looked as humorless as Dick himself, while Robin commented that they looked like they could be brothers. Howard went on to say that “60 Minutes” aired two anti-Bush pieces last night, the first about embryonic stem-cell research and the second on how American soldiers in Iraq often suffer sever injuries when they’re attacked because of the lack of proper armor. Considering this, Howard called John Kerry the worst candidate ever seeing as he couldn’t beat President Bush in 2004. Artie responded that, to him, one of the reasons Kerry lost the race was because he was “the most un-relatable democrat ever.”

A listener called in to report that he’s been a subscriber of both SIRIUS and XM and has found that SIRIUS is by far the better product. Howard told the caller that he agreed, explaining that he could’ve worked for either company, but he chose SIRIUS because of the personalities and “warmth” featured on the service. Howard added that, while he was making his decision between XM and SIRIUS, he was presented with survey results from people who had access to both services and that, according to this survey, these people preferred SIRIUS by a large margin.

When a listener called in to say how much he enjoyed Scott Ferrall last week, Howard informed him that Scott will once again be broadcasting tonight from 8-midnight on Howard 101. Howard acknowledged that he got a number of negative e-mails from people who didn’t like hearing Scott on the show last Friday, but said he listened to Scott’s show over the weekend and that Scott made him laugh consistently.

Robin mentioned that she also liked Scott’s show, before saying that she heard a nice report about Bubba the Love Sponge. Robin explained that, even though he had gotten fired from Clear Channel and wasn’t working, Bubba still paid his entire team out of his own pocket to keep his team together for the 2 years since the firing.

A caller asked Howard if he was worried about alienating his conservative listeners because of his left-leaning political views. Howard assured the caller that he is not a Democrat, and that he supports Republican politicians like Sen. John McCain and Gov. George Pataki. However, Howard also told the caller that he thinks Pres. Bush is “out of control.” To illustrate his point, Howard mentioned that the president’s policies on scientific research in general, stem-cell research, abortion, the war, the environment and gay rights don’t sit well with him. When the caller suggested that democrats are the ones who are actually behind censorship, Howard told him to wait to see if he still felt the same way once the two newly appointed Supreme Court justices start hearing cases.

Howard brought up that he’s been working out lately so he won’t feel completely embarrassed when he disrobes in front of Beth. When Howard pointed out that his backside looks better now than it did when he and his bare ass appeared as Fart Man at the 1992 MTV Music Awards, he blamed Robin for letting him go on stage in such a get-up. Howard noted that not only was his stomach hanging over his tights in the costume, but that his naked rear-end was full of pimples and cellulite as well. However, Robin replied that she thought that was what made the look so funny, so she didn’t try to dissuade him from wearing it.

This led to a discussion of last week’s Grammys, and Howard’s critique of Queen Latifah’s speech honoring Richard Pryor at the ceremony. Although Howard acknowledged that Queen Latifah said some nice things about Richard, he added that he felt Eddie Murphy or Chris Rock would’ve been more appropriate for the occasion. In an attempt to make Howard feel better about his Fart Man costume, Artie reminded him of how Eddie used to wear leather biker outfits during his standup performances.

When Howard brought up that he can never correctly type in the password on his home computer, Gary suggested he use the device Scott De Pace gave him that allows him to log onto his computer using only a scan of his thumb. Since Gary was on the monitor while talking, Howard wondered what he was eating for breakfast. Gary responded that he had ordered an egg-white wrap with avocados and tomatoes. In addition, Gary said he was also drinking diet Nestea iced tea, which he pointed out is what he drinks every morning.

Because of the way Gary was sitting, Howard noted that he looked just like The Booey Lisa, which was a painting Fred made of him years ago. Howard recalled that Fred put so much effort into his work that he and Jackie could have finished a number of paintings in the time it took Fred to create The Booey Lisa. Gary commented that what bothered him the most about Fred’s work was that he even painted the hair on the back of his neck. Fred responded that those hairs were the reason the painting took so long, adding that he didn’t have the proper brush to create the hairs, which made the process so time-consuming.

Eric the Midget called in to tell Howard that he was now willing to do the “American Idol Wrap Up Show” he pitched a few weeks ago, but ended up canceling once the opportunity actually arose. Gary came into the studio and told Howard that he’s been ready to debut Eric’s program for a while, but that Eric has refused to cooperate. Gary commented that he even has former “American Idol” co-host, Brian Dunkleman, as well as country artists, Big and Rich, lined up as guests for the show, but that they’re just sitting there since Eric won’t agree to actually go through with the broadcast. Eric responded to the news that he was happy, although Howard questioned his sincerity.

Eric explained that he has an issue flying because of his condition, which is the reason he hasn’t done his program, but added that he had a solution. Eric said he hopes to be a correspondent for Bubba’s show at an upcoming NASCAR race in Los Angeles and that he’d like to do his wrap up show from SIRIUS’ studio there. However, when Eric admitted that he hadn’t heard back from Bubba about his proposal, Howard pointed out that his scheme didn’t sound like it was going to pan out.

Since next week’s episodes of “American Idol” will narrow the number of contestants to 24, Eric proposed that he premiere his show then. Gary went on to say that Eric thought the big names from “American Idol” were going to appear on his wrap-up program and that he’s getting mad because that’s not going to happen. However, as Gary was mentioning some of the names Eric wished he could have, Eric interrupted him to point out that he wouldn’t want to interview Fantasia, as Gary suggested. Eric commented that, because Fantasia got pregnant at a young age, dropped out of high school and admitted to being illiterate, she “wasn’t a good representative” of “American Idol.” Eric went on to insist that his refusal to talk Fantasia had nothing to do with her skin color, even though he said he’d be willing to interview Bo Bice, another former contestant with a shady past.

After Eric mentioned that he voted 145 times last night alone for the “American Idol” currently airing, Howard noted that he’d give Eric the chance to not only do a show, but that he’d even let him broadcast live from the shows that air next week in hopes of talking to some of the contestants. Eric told Howard he liked that idea, and that he’d be willing to do it.

A woman named Nora from the Skin Beauty Lounge in Washington, DC, came into the studio to give a bikini wax to a volunteer from the crew – Richard Christy. Nora commented that, being in DC, she’s waxed some politicians since the lounge opened two years ago and that the practice of giving bikini waxes isn’t sexy, even when done to attractive women, because, in the end, she’s “ripping hair out from between peoples’ legs.” Nora also mentioned that she’s never had a problem with “smells” from her clients’ lower regions, but acknowledged that a man once got an erection while she was waxing him. Nora went on to explain that she’d be using a spatula to put the wax on Richard, but that she’d have to use her hand to cool him down with powder afterward

As Richard was getting ready for his procedure, he announced that his “balls were sensitive,” so he wanted Nora to be careful. Nora assured Richard that she knew what she was doing and then asked him to take off all his clothes. After commenting that Richard was, yet again, wearing his Homer Simpson underwear – which he joked were “a chick magnet” – Gary pointed out that Richard had “a hairy ass.” However, Nora assured Richard that she’d seen worse.

As Nora was cleaning Richard’s “area,” she pointed out that, although Richard was smaller than most of her clients, he still wasn’t bad. Nora then applied antiseptic to Richard before putting wax on his pubic area. Richard noted that the sensation of having the wax on him was “weird,” and, as he was saying, Nora ripped off a patch of hair. Richard began screaming because of the pain commenting that he didn’t realize Nora was ready to begin the procedure.

After Richard admitted that the pain he felt after the first strip of hair was removed was a 10, Gary pointed out that Richard was bleeding when the second patch was taken off. Because of Richard’s yells and the fact that Nora was about to wax his shaft, Howard asked him if he wanted to call the whole thing off. However, Richard responded that he wouldn’t like the way having only part of his pubic hair removed looked, so, despite the pain, he insisted he wanted to continue. Nora added that Richard was handling the pain better than many other men she had waxed.

Richard announced that the worst feeling during the procedure was when Nora was just about ready to pull off the wax. Gary reported that Richard was bleeding as Nora began preparing to work on his “taint.” Gary also pointed out, though, that Richard was so hairless that his “balls were stuck to side of his legs.” Nora then noted that she still had to remove hair from both the bottom of Richard’s testicles and the side of his penis. After Nora was done with this region of his body, Richard responded that the pain he felt was the worst yet.

Nora made Richard lift his legs so she could get to his backside, and warned him that he’d be “slightly uncomfortable.” After Artie commented that if Richard “sh*ts he’s going back to KROCK,” Howard wondered if there was a chance Richard would start bucking because of the pain he was about to endure. Nora replied that a woman had once “bucked” because of the feeling, but that the pain on Richard’s rear end would be less than what he experienced on his pubic region. Before Nora got to that area, though, she finished up her business on Richard’s front side. Once Nora was done there, everyone in the studio gave Richard a round of applause.

Richard acknowledged that, although the pain of having the hair removed on his cheeks wasn’t as bad as the pubic area, he reported that it still “smarts.” As Nora continued the process, Howard had Richard repeat “the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plains,” to see if he could get through the whole sentence. Gary, who, along with Will Murray, was holding Richard down, pointed out that Richard had “a big blood thing coming out of his left ball,” but Nora assured him that this was a common occurrence and wouldn’t be a problem.

When the waxing was done, Howard pointed out that Richard’s newly cleaned areas looked “horrible and ridiculous,” while Robin commented that Richard’s privates looked like someone was shining a red light on them. Nora commented that, since this was Richard’s first waxing, he was more sensitive than he’ll be if he has the procedure done in the future. Following Nora’s suggestion that Richard have another waxing in 4-6 weeks, he replied that he could get essentially the same result with shaving, and that there wouldn’t be any pain. Richard also commented that he felt “numb and tingly,” but that the pain was starting to become tolerable.

Nora said that there’s a 50-50 split amongst heterosexual and homosexual men who come to her to get bikini waxes and that she charges about $100 for the service. Nora also recommended that anyone looking to have a bikini wax seek out a licensed specialist, adding that someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing “could rip some stuff up down there.” Since Richard was still naked during the conversation, Artie suggested he go down to Shade 45 and show off his new look.

A listener who got married to a fellow fan of Howard’s after they met at one of his book signings in 1995 called in to announce that, as Howard had predicted at the time, she and the man got divorced a few years after they tied the knot. This led Howard to say that he doesn’t understand why people get married, adding that the idea was more logical when people lived to be only 40-50 years old.

Howard went on to comment that he loves Beth and that they have a great relationship, but that they have no plans to get married. In fact, Howard added that he had a romantic dinner with Beth on Friday, up until he got drunk on the bottle of wine he ordered. Howard explained that, since he’s trying to lose weight, he didn’t eat anything on Friday and, before he knew it, he had consumed almost the entire bottle of wine on an empty stomach. Howard added that he was so drunk on Friday that he allegedly informed Beth rather loudly what he wanted to do with her sexually. Howard added that the way Beth told the story, he sounded like he was Pat O’Brien. Howard proceeded to play a clip of a reporter on the Maxim Channel interviewing Pat about Howard’s use of his infamous call, where Pat claimed that he has no problem with it being a part of Howard’s show.

Howard brought up that Jackie Martling has a new product, the GrossMaster Junior 2, available, and he played some of the jokes from it. Although Gary explained that the machine is designed for “tweens,” which he said are kids who aren’t quite old enough to understand grown-up humor, Howard still didn’t think the jokes were funny, regardless of the listeners’ ages. However, Gary mentioned that he played some of the jokes for his kids yesterday, and that they were “cracking up” at them. Gary reported that he offered Jackie the chance to sit in for a week in the near future, but that Jackie wouldn’t commit to the opportunity.

Jeff the Drunk called in to announce that his CD of cover songs is now being sold at FYE. After Jeff mentioned that the disc includes his takes on standards like “God Bless the USA” and “New York, New York,” Howard wanted to know who would actually buy the thing. Robin responded that if someone like William Hung can sell more than 1 million copies of his albums, there must be room for Jeff in the market. Artie then asked Jeff if he saw any money up front for his effort, and he said he hadn’t, but that he’ll get a share of the money from the number of discs he sells.

When George Flowers came into the studio to talk about what The Howard 100 News will cover today, Howard observed that he still looked like he was in pain. George admitted that his shoulder and back were still bothering him, and that he can’t exercise the way he usually does because of it. George went on to say that he lost close to 100 pounds in the past 15 months, and that he’s even writing a dieting book to help others do the same. Gary then reported that he’s ridden in elevators with George and that George’s voice is so powerful that everyone in the car looks at him when he speaks. When George added that he used to work as a disc jockey at a music station before getting into news reporting, Howard had him do on-the-spot intros to some songs, which he did perfectly.

Gary mentioned that he was trying to get Richard to go on a “brothel vacation” in the Dominican Republic so they could record it for the show, but that Richard won’t do it. Gary explained that Richard’s refusal to go on the trip, which is sponsored by a tour group, is because he has a fear of Central America, even though the Dominican Republic isn’t even in that area of the world.

Richard, who admitted he was still sore after his waxing, told Howard that he doesn’t like visiting places like Central America because he doesn’t like the idea of flying in planes flown by pilots who don’t speak English. Because of his stance on the topic, Howard asked JD if he’d be willing to go to Central America in Richard’s place. JD replied that he’d think about going, but that he’d have to consider how such a recorded act might affect his future career as a director.