The Best of the Week February 9 - 13
The Howard Stern Show for February 13, 2009

SHAWNA LENEE IS TROUBLED
Shawna Lenee stopped by to promote her Penthouse cover and told the crew she was 21 - and has been in porn since she was 18 and 5 days. Howard asked Shawna about reports that she once tried to kill herself, so she confessed to going through "a lot of baby-daddy issues...it's hard to balance family and what you want to do." Shawna added that she had the kid when she was 17, but he’s not living with her right now: "My baby-daddy won't let me take him outside the state of Ohio."

Shawna admitted there were other factors in her suicide attempt: "I don't know what was going on...I had a bunch of people in the adult industry trying to take advantage of me at that time." Howard pressed for details, so she explained: "I fell into the drug thing for a while...I was on meth for about 10 months. My life fell apart. I did it once and was hooked. One time. I wanted it the next day."

METH LEADS TO ORAL AND SUICIDE
Howard asked if Shawna ever blew guys for meth, and she laughed: "I think I did, actually." Shawna said her problems and addictions eventually caused her to take a razor to her wrist - and then showed Howard the scars. Shawna told Howard that she'd like to cover up the scars: "I would love to get those fixed."

CRAVES ANAL, LOVES STRIPPING
Shawna noted that she lived with Nick "Dropping Loads" Manning, but they're not dating. Howard asked Shawna if she liked anal, but she claimed she'd only done it once in her personal life: "I think about doing it again. I kind of crave it. So you could say that I like it."

Shawna also said she loved to dance topless, so Fred cued up a beat and Howard let her go crazy. Shawna's dancing inspired Artie to change his ways: "Howard? I'll be here every day. I'm sorry."

SHAWNA ALSO LOVES...
"I love to eat girls out. I love to finger them...I love to watch guys jack off...I have a very tight pussy. I can also control my pussy very well. I can squeeze it...I wish I had a cock so I could stick it in my pussy and see what it feels like."

...AND TOPS IT OFF WITH A SYBIAN RIDE
Shawna then jumped on the Sybian and took it for a ride: "I didn't masturbate yesterday so this'll be really good...it's making me shake really bad.

Fun! Oh, f’. Oh my god...oh my god oh my god oh my god...it feels so f’ing good...alright guys, now I'm, like, sliding my clit up and down on it...oh my god oh my god...oh f’ yeah, I'm gonna come...Oh! Okay."
Howard was impressed: "What a girl."

THE REV. BOB LEVY CATCHES "STRAP METAL"
Howard welcomed the Reverend Bob Levy and The King of all Grammar to report on the reading test Bob took first thing this morning. Howard heard Bob say "shrapnel" wrong on the tape and had him repeat it live, so Bob tried again - it came out as "strap metal."

Howard also played clips of Bob bungling the pronunciations of words like synopsis, obscure, resplendent, facetious, and several others - and displaying no comprehension of a sentence he'd just read.

...AND READS AT A 6TH GRADE LEVEL
The gang all placed bets on the results of Bob's reading test. Howard predicted that Bob read at a 5th grade level. Robin went with 3rd grade, Artie 2nd and Fred 6th. The King of All Grammar then announced that Fred was right - Bob reads at a 6th grade level. Bob was stoked: "That better than I thought! I'm f’ing thrilled. I thought I was, like, 4th."

The King put Bob's reading comprehension a little lower, at the 3rd grade level: "I wouldn't say Bob's retarded. Bob's a street-smart guy." Bob thanked everyone for their support: "Anytime you guys wanna feel good about yourselves, I'll be back." Howard wondered how Bob made it through school and asked if it had been a traumatic experience. However, he was afraid Bob might not know what traumatic meant, but Bob knew exactly what it meant: “You mean like this morning?”

NORM MACDONALD DOESN'T WANT YOUR WIFE
Norm MacDonald stopped by promote some upcoming comedy gigs and said a limo driver in Florida recently offered him his wife: "All week long, guys were like this is my wife and this is the other wife." Artie explained that married comedy fans frequently want to party and hook you up with their single friend: "There's always a hot-tub and ecstasy and pills and they're like, 'Come back and we'll all f’.'"

Norm said he hated partying with couples: "My thing is - for sexual encounters - I like to lie on top of a lady." Norm said he thought even less of Artie's recent Rolling Stone profile: "It's the weirdest f’ing thing I've ever read in my life...I've never read an article about an entertainer where the entertainer is described as a liar...I thought I was [supposed to be] reading about a f’ing comic."

NORM TURNED DOWN PAUL NEWMAN
Howard asked Norm about the time he won a half million dollars on Celebrity Who Wants to be a Millionaire and donated it to the Paul Newman Foundation, so Norm said he was invited to Paul's ranch afterward and turned it down: "It comes down to just you and Paul Newman in a room...and I got no [good] stories, like 'One time, Will Ferrell...'" Norm said the worst part was that he knew the answer to the million dollar question.

ELIZA DUSHKU AIN'T EASY
Eliza Dushku stopped by to promote her new TV series, "Dollhouse," and Howard asked her if it was nice to be so fit and good-looking. Eliza deflected, saying she was just a tomboy from Boston. Howard also asked when Eliza became sexually active when she first moved to LA in her early teens, but Eliza denied it ("Not a very young age."), joking that Mickey Rourke would've been first in line: "I was fourteen. I saw him in a hair salon. He was with his dog and feeding me Marlboros."

Eliza told the crew that she got some good advice early in her teens: "That's when my brothers gave me the talk about boys. Nobody likes a whore." Eliza said that's why she doesn't date Hollywood-types: "I've dated chimney sweepers." Artie was shocked: "What? Were you dating in the 1800s? [You] grew up in a Dickens novel or something?" Eliza replied that the guy was a bookie who swept chimneys on the side. Artie loved it: "Wow."

"NOBODY LIKES A WHORE."
Eliza told the crew she became sexually active around 17 - and once made out with a girl in Vegas: "Some sleazy agent guy was like, 'You should make out with her,' and I was like, 'Ok.'" Eliza said misbehavior could quickly betray a celebrity: she once had a "kiss and cuddle" with "Family Guy" creator Seth MacFarlane and though she knew to stop there, the NYPost picked up the story/photos and claimed she'd been dating him.

Howard asked why Eliza broke up with MLB pitching ace Brad Penny, so she explained that she was free to travel with him early on, but as she picked up work, they couldn't spend as much time together: "I'm like an 18 month marker. At 18 months you either sink or sail...but he made a good move. He's now on the Red Sox...when he first takes the mound at Fenway, I might freak out a little. I might...yeah."

DOUBLE A WANTS A DATE WITH ELIZA
Double A came in dressed as Cupid to meet Eliza and Howard asked him how he got so fat. Double A confessed that he'd been doing "a lot of drinking." Howard told Double A he must be slathered in cologne ("I can smell you over here.") but Double A ignored him and made his move, asking Eliza: "What are you doing tonight? Can we get a date or something going on?" Eliza said she had to appear on Conan and do press all night long. Double A was excited: "That's not a no!"

ELIZA DUSHKU IS SLY, HAS A QUESTION FOR DOUBLE A
"Did you go tanning?"
“No I was in South Beach baby.”



WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO ELIZA DUSHKU?
After she left, Howard asked the guys what they'd do to Eliza if they had the chance. Gary went first: "I don't know where to start...but if I were gonna do stuff to her, that would be the dress she should be wearing." Benjy went next, using a soft voice ("I'd push her legs back...") but Howard got creeped out and cut him off.

AL ROKER IS DOING BETTER THAN ARTIE
Al Roker came in early to promote his TNT show, "DEA," as he has to head over to his other job on “The Today Show.” Al immediately told Artie he loved his book, calling it the feel bad book of the year, adding, "I was feeling bad before I read it. Now I'm like, 'Hey, I feel ok. As long as I'm not dead, I'm doing better than this guy.'" Continuing their earlier discussion, Howard asked if Al ever ran into an unclean woman in his travels, but Al denied it: "No. I got a little nervous when one had an EZ Pass, but no."

Howard asked Al about the bargaining chips he uses with NBC during negotiations, but Al claimed he never tried to play the I'm-getting-other-offers card: "I met with Mel Karmazin once when he was at CBS, but that was just because he was an interesting guy." Al did admit that his salary has improved dramatically over his first gig, when he made just ten dollars a newscast: "I was thinking, 'I'm gonna do this until I get a real job.'"

AL BINGES ON FRIES AND ICE CREAM
Howard wondered if Al was always overweight, and Al confessed that he'd gained a little since the all-time low he hit after gastric bypass surgery: "I'm never gonna be back to where I was...[but] when I eat way too much, I feel horrible." Howard asked if Kathie Lee made Al want to gorge, but Al avoided the question ("I like Kathie Lee."), choosing instead to cite his favorite binge foods: "Either vanilla ice cream or French fries."

MAD DOG ON THE STATE OF SIRIUS
Chris "Mad Dog" Russo stopped by to promote the launch of Mad Dog Radio on Sirius channel 123 - and said he was disappointed by Artie's Rolling Stone profile (and his absence this morning): "Howard's giving you a chance every day for four or five hours! Come in and have fun!" Howard asked how he should reach out to Artie, but Chris didn't know if it were possible: "It's almost like he thinks he's John Belushi."

Chris took issue with Howard for even thinking about retiring in 2011: "You're gonna be here for a long time! Please!" Chris also commented on the solidity of Sirius, saying the company has continued to build his new channel and arranged his trips so he could broadcast live from MLB Spring Training: "I don't get the impression that we're about to fall apart."

MAD DOG ON TIM SABEAN'S WEIGHT GAIN
Chris reported that his office was across the hall from Tim Sabean's, so he's been witness (thanks to Sirius’ glass walled offices) to the source of Tim's recent weight gain: "He's eating muffins here, egg sandwiches there."

MIKE DROPS WITHOUT MAD DOG
Gary reported that Chris' old station was losing ratings without him, but Chris refused to comment: "Why are you so wrapped up in that?" Howard laughed that if Chris didn't want to talk ratings, he'd talk about his former co-host. Chris said he last talked to Mike in November "like long lost friends," but when he ran into him at the Super Bowl, "That was awkward because we were both at the same event to cover [it]. We were both looking for the same guests...so it's a tricky situation." Chris laughed that he, of course, got the guests and exclusives - even Mike's good friend Bill Parcells.