BE MY VALENTINA
The Howard Stern Show for February 14, 2006

When Artie opened the show wishing Howard a happy Valentine’s Day, Howard feared Artie had gone gay. Howard proceeded to play “Brokeback Artie,” which featured clips of “Brokeback Mountain” interspersed with Artie’s drunken conversations with the men from “Queer Eye for the Straight Gay.” Following the clip, Artie joked that it proved that “anyone can turn gay.” Robin then wondered if a person could actually “turn gay,” which Howard claimed was not possible. However, Howard admitted that he really enjoyed watching Richard’s bikini wax yesterday. Howard went on to say that there were about 150 pictures taken of the event, and that the pictures will be appearing over time on this site leading up to its debut on Howard TV next month.

After reading a number of e-mails about the waxing, Howard had Richard come into the studio. Richard reported he felt “great” today. Although he acknowledged that he was “a little numb” and that his “ass cheeks were sticking together a little bit,” he did say he’d do it again. Howard said that, even though he didn’t want to see Richard naked again, he had him show off just how red he was this morning. After showing off his baby-smooth privates, Richard told Howard that the worst part of the experience was when the hair was ripped from “his shaft.” Robin pointed out, though, that, given Richard’s size, he didn’t need to use the word “shaft” when describing his penis. Richard assured Robin, though, that he “grows” a great deal when he’s aroused.

Howard joked that he was glad Vice President Dick Cheney didn’t go to Vietnam, because, if he had, some of our soldiers might’ve died from friendly fire. Richard told Howard that The Howard 100 News called his dad, who is a hunter, and that, during his discussion with the reporter, his dad recommended that hunters be sure to look around before firing their weapons. Robin added that she heard Richard’s dad’s interview as well, and that she thought his dad said it best when he noted, “You don’t shoot where people are.”

Robin also commented that Cheney’s camp is now being criticized because it took two days between the shooting incident and the news being released. Although Artie felt like the vice president was trying to cover up his actions, Howard acknowledged, even though it was difficult for him to do so, that Cheney was in a tough spot. Howard explained that if the vice president had reported the news right away, he would’ve come off as cold, and if he waited, as he did, people would accuse him of trying to hide the story, as they are. Howard added that at least Cheney’s victim, Harry Whittington, was a lawyer and not a doctor.

A caller wanted to know why “Son of a Beach” had been taken off the air when it was. Howard responded that, although the program was the most-watched program on FX, the channel’s new program director decided that the show’s budget was too high to keep on the air. Howard went on to say, though, that he didn’t think “Son of a Beach” cost that much to produce and that he knew for a fact that neither he nor the show’s creators earned much money from its run. Howard also pointed out that, with the new FCC regulations, it would’ve been difficult to keep the quality of “Son of a Beach” as high as it was prior to the tighter restrictions. In fact, Howard mentioned that he heard one of the reasons Dave Chappelle suffered his recent meltdown was because he was having trouble keeping “The Chappelle Show” edgy while also adhering to the government’s new standards of decency.

Howard said that Benjy tried an experiment recently, where he confronted Oprah fans to see if he could get them to change their opinions about the woman by making wild allegations about her. In the first clip, the woman being interviewed described Oprah as “a beautiful person.” When Benjy told the woman that Oprah called Mother Teresa “a dirty Albanian spic,” the woman responded that it didn’t change her thoughts on her because it was “just the way (Oprah) thinks.” The next woman, who noted that Oprah was “excellent” and an “inspiration to women,” had too much respect for Oprah to feel negatively about her, even though he told the woman Oprah had referred to Judaism as “a gutter religion.” Next, a woman informed Benjy that “what we’ve done wrong doesn’t change what we’ve done right” when she found out that Oprah allegedly beat one of her employees with a belt and sued her for insubordination when the employee asked for time off to tend to her dying child.

Despite her diehard fans, Howard mentioned that the final two people were almost sensible about Oprah. In the next interview, a man, who said Oprah is “a nice woman,” was informed by Benjy that Oprah forced Gale King to have intercourse with a dog. When he heard the news, the man replied that it changed his opinion of her “a little bit.” The final woman, who heard that Oprah announced that “AIDS is God’s punishment to homosexuals,” noted that it “sort of” made her change her mind about Oprah. Of course, all of Benjy’s statements about Oprah were made up to elicit reactions from the people he was interviewing.

Fresh off last night’s appearance on “Meet the Shrink,” Joey Boots called in to talk about his performance. Howard noted that he listened to the broadcast, and that he felt bad for Joey because he started crying right at the start of the show. Joey admitted that his life is out of control and added that, thanks to the show, he’s going to rehab for 30 days starting next week in an effort to straighten it out.

Howard told Joey that he was surprised to discover that he was depressed, because he always thought of Joey as a “fun-loving” guy. Joey told Howard that he is, in fact, “fun-loving,” but that he also suffers from depression. Howard then advised Joey that, to combat his depression, he should find work he loves doing. When Joey replied that his biggest passion is the show, Howard pointed out that Joey had to have other interests as well. Howard went on to comment that, since Joey spends 18 hours a day on the Internet, he should try either designing websites or writing about his feelings for the show. Although Joey noted that he’d have to go to college in order to become a website designer, he promised Howard that he’d write an article for him about the program to put on this website.

Gary reported that since Joey is going to rehab next week, he’d have to postpone the Wack Pack Revelations that he had planned. Joey replied that Gary wouldn’t have to wait until he got out of rehab, because he’d be able to call into the show during his second week at the center. However, Howard asked Joey if, instead of calling in, he’d be willing to come into the studio tomorrow by himself to reveal and talk about his secret, and that he’d wait for the rest of the Wack Pack next week. Joey responded that he’d do that without any problem.

When Valentina Vaughn came into the studio, Howard asked her why she recently quit “The Pet of the Year Competition” with Penthouse. Valentina responded that, since staying with the competition meant the magazine would’ve been able to trademark her name and take over her website, she decided to drop out. As Valentina was telling the story, Howard noted that she not only looked incredible, but that her soft voice was a turn on as well. Valentina then brought up that a girl-on-girl adult film, “Valentina,” that she filmed last year will be available in March. Valentina proceeded to describe the plot of the movie, which she said focuses on her metamorphosis from a woman who likes to be dominated into a woman who does the dominating. Valentina added that, although a woman performs oral on her in one of the film’s scenes, she didn’t achieve an orgasm during the shoot. However, Valentina acknowledged that she was extremely turned on while filming.

Valentina commented that she met the man who’s now her boyfriend at a club she was stripping at and he was bartending. When Howard said he couldn’t believe someone like Valentina was dating a bartender, Gary informed him that the guy’s father is the owner of the bar. Valentina added that she first met her current boyfriend when she was 18 and that, after he moved away, their paths crossed again and they got together. Despite the additional information, Howard still insisted that Valentina was selling herself short with her boyfriend.

Howard pointed out that, to him, Valentina could be doing runway modeling instead of porn. Valentina told Howard, though, that she actually prefers her work in the adult world as opposed to runway modeling, noting that she wouldn’t be able to deal with the daily competition involved in the latter. Richard then came into the studio to say that he’s a member of Valentina’s website and that he’s “praying” for the day she does “real porn.”

Howard told Valentina that she had to get on the Sybian while she was in the studio. After Howard explained what the machine is, Valentina acknowledged that she masturbates frequently and that, when she does, she usually thinks about porn and women. When Valentina agreed to give the Sybian a try, Howard demanded that she give him a detailed account of what she was feeling during the experience. Although Valentina warned Howard that it would be difficult for her to orgasm under the conditions, she added that, at 20 percent, the Sybian “felt really good.” As Gary increased the speed of the Sybian to 80 percent, Valentina began moaning. This led Howard to comment that seeing Valentina on the machine might be the sexiest thing he’d ever seen. In fact, Valentina enjoyed the machine so much that she claimed, despite her previous reservations, she was actually able to finish.

After getting off the Sybian, Valentina reported that it was “nuts” and that she scored it a perfect 10. Gary then pointed out that Valentina’s upper lip was trembling so much that he didn’t think she faked her orgasm. Valentina responded that the Sybian was so good that she could see how it could completely replace a man in terms of sex. However, Howard told Valentina that there’s one service men can offer that the Sybian can’t: money.

Howard announced that two women from a movie company showed up at the SIRIUS building this morning with the hopes of promoting an upcoming movie. Howard said that the only way he’d let the girls into the studio, though, would be if they agreed to make out with Valentina. When Gary, who was on the wireless mic, proposed Howard’s offer to the women in the green room, they replied that they’d give Valentina a massage, but they wouldn’t kiss. Although Howard wanted the women to make out with Valentina, he agreed to the massage as long as the girls stripped to their bra and panties during the rub down. Because the girls couldn’t decide if they’d agree to the stipulation, Howard had them come into the studio so he could see whether or not he was wasting his time.

When the girls came into the studio, Howard commented that they were attractive, but that he didn’t like the way they were acting above what he wanted them to do. As the girls continued to mull over their options, Gary informed them he was giving them 60 seconds to make up their minds. Just before the time was up, Jamie, the woman who Valentina acknowledged she was attracted to, agreed to give a massage in her bra and panties.

Jamie then stripped down to her bra and panties, which led Howard to admit that he was amazed by her body, an assessment which Valentina agreed with. As Jamie began massaging Valentina, Howard commented that he had “some scene going on,” to which Gary responded, “Welcome to Satellite.”

Jamie reported that Valentina had a “great body,” and proceeded to get so caught up in the moment that she kissed Valentina. Following the massage, Howard tried to convince both Valentina and Jamie to get onto the Sybian together, but Jamie backed out when she saw the attachment she would’ve had to use. Just to see what the new attachment was like, Valentina got on the machine with it. However, Valentina commented that she preferred the first attachment she used better.

Richard asked Valentina if she’d be willing to massage Jamie, an idea both women agreed to do. Jamie then immediately lied on her back, and Howard noted that she intuitively spread her legs when she hit the floor. When Jamie flipped over, Valentina kissed her once again.

Because Jamie came through, Howard allowed her to talk about the movie she came in to promote. Jamie replied that her film, “Date Movie,” opens this weekend and that she and the other woman will be in Times Square tomorrow giving massages to people to get word out about the film. Upon hearing this, Howard pointed out that he hoped Jamie likes touching homeless people.

Taking advantage of the mood in the studio, Howard wondered if Jamie would be willing to spank Valentina, who admitted that’s one practice that turns her on. Jamie told Howard she would, and, once she started, Howard made her do it harder. Richard then suggested that, because she doesn’t like to be tickled, Valentina get in The Tickle Chair and be tickled by Jamie. To get her in the mood, Howard put on the Spa Channel and let Jamie get to work. Although Jamie gave it her all, Gary had to step in for her because she wasn’t tickling Valentina hard enough for his liking.

Once the tickling was done, Gary pointed out that they had done so much with Valentina this morning that the only thing left was for one of them to “strap one on and do the other.”

A caller wanted to know if Howard had any information about the latest Elliott Offen controversy. Howard told the caller he heard that Elliott had hit a pedestrian with the vehicle that he was driving and that the pedestrian later died. However, Howard added that Elliott didn’t show up for his scheduled appearance last week and that he didn’t know if he was planning to come into the studio. Gary reported that Elliott called Will, and booked himself on the show sometime next week. Gary also pointed out, though, that Elliott left two numbers for him to call in order to finalize the details, but that he hasn’t been able to reach him at either number.

Howard mentioned that he and Gary were invited to a book party that took place yesterday in President Clinton’s Harlem office, but that only Gary attended it. Howard explained that he didn’t show up to the event because he didn’t think Bill liked him, even though Howard is a big supporter of both Clintons.

Gary came into the studio and recalled that he had once been invited to another event that featured President Clinton, but that he was told just days before that he couldn’t attend. Gary added that, although he was assured he wasn’t allowed to be at the party because he was a member of the media, although he thought it was because of his affiliation with the show. However, Gary said that since he wasn’t instructed not to show up yesterday, he drove to Clinton’s office, excited to meet one of his heroes.

Gary reported that there were roughly 30 people at the book party, including its hosts, James Carville and Paul Begala. Gary commented that, as he was waiting for Clinton to show up, what he first believed to be a wall at the back of the room turned into a door, from which the former president “materialized” from it.

Gary noted that Clinton moved through the room and had a brief conversation with everyone. He said that, at first, he wasn’t nervous about meeting him because he works with celebrities all the time. However, Gary admitted that as Clinton moved closer to him, he got caught up in his “vortex,” noting that he was as charismatic as people claim. Because he wasn’t sure what to say, Gary commented that he simply told Clinton, who had one hand on Gary’s shoulder while shaking the other, that it was nice to meet him. Gary pointed out, though, that the person standing next to him informed Clinton about his tie to Howard, and that the former president turned to Gary again and responded, “Tell that rascal I said hello.”

After Clinton made his speech, Gary said he let the attendees walk around his office, which Gary described as “enormous.” Gary also mentioned that Clinton’s office is filled with presidential memorabilia, awards and some miscellaneous items that regular people sent into him.