THE SYBIAN RIDES AGAIN
The Howard Stern Show for February 2, 2006

Howard began the show saying that yesterday was one of the greatest days of his life. Howard explained that, because of how generous Robin has been to him over the years, he has wanted to do something special for her for weeks, even before the surprise birthday party she threw for him last month. Given all this, Howard mentioned that, after yesterday’s broadcast, he took Robin down to the SIRIUS building’s basement garage, where he had a top-of-the-line, hardtop convertible Mercedes Benz waiting for her – with a big bow on top.

Howard noted that, although he knew Robin likes silver cars, he decided to get her a black Mercedes. Howard then said that he wanted to tell Robin about the gift as soon as he bought it, but somehow was able to keep himself from doing so. Howard added that he gets no more pleasure than when he gives people gifts they truly appreciate.

Robin commented that she was planning on leaving the studio early yesterday to go home and rest. However, Robin went on to say that Howard told her he needed to see her immediately following the show and that, upon receiving her present, her whole day changed. Robin reported that, when she arrived in the garage with Howard, she could only see two things: the Mercedes and a dumpster, which caused her to think the surprise was actually located in the latter. When she realized there probably wasn’t anything in the dumpster, Robin said she saw the ribbon, which she initially thought was on a gift inside the car and not on the Mercedes itself. As she looked more closely, though, Robin said that she could tell the ribbon was, in fact, on the car itself, and that she couldn’t believe what she was seeing.

Robin commented that a guy from Mercedes then showed up in the garage, and that he gave her a lengthy tutorial about her car. In addition, Robin reported that her driver, Gene, was sent home so that she could drive her new car herself. Despite the fact that she was given specific instructions by the Mercedes expert, Robin added that she still didn’t feel like she was ready to drive the car, noting that it was loaded with everything.

Howard mentioned that Robin was supposed to be on The Wrap Up Show yesterday and that she kept her promise to appear on it even though she had just received her present. Howard then played a clip of the program, where Robin told Gary and John Hein, who host The Wrap Up Show, not only about the present, but also that she had been eyeing that exact Mercedes for years, but could never bring herself to buy it because of its cost. Gary then pointed out in the clip that Robin’s eyes were misty, which she said was true because no one had ever done anything that kind for her before.

Because Robin’s new car is equipped with SIRIUS, Howard wondered if it had the typical scroll. Although Robin replied that she didn’t see the scroll, Ronnie the Limo Driver came into the studio and told her there was one. Ronnie then said that he once drove in Artie’s Mercedes, and that they made it from Caroline’s on the West side to Scores on the East side in about 30 seconds thanks to Artie’s driving. After Ronnie added that Artie’s driving caused another passenger in the car to vomit, a story corroborated by Doug Goodstein, who was also in the car. Artie responded to the accusations that he was driving that way just to prove how “well his car handles.”

Robin commented that, even though it was cold outside, she drove her new car with its top down yesterday afternoon. Robin went on to say that Mr. X loves the Mercedes, and has already begun obsessing over keeping it clean. Howard then pointed out that it took him just a little more than an hour to pick out the gift, which he noted was the easiest sale the car salesman had ever made. When Robin joked that Howard had turned into Oprah with his present, he noted that wasn’t true, because he actually paid the sticker price for the Mercedes.

Howard brought up that he got a number of e-mails about Jenna Jameson’s appearance yesterday on the program. Howard mentioned that Jenna looked great, and that so many people were visiting this site to look at the pictures of Jenna on the Sybian that he couldn’t even open them due to the traffic. Howard then commented that Jenna was “so wet and shaky” after her ride on the Sybian that she had to leave the studio immediately. When Howard got to a letter from a listener who wanted to know when he’d be able to listen to the show on the Internet, Howard revealed that there were engineers hard at work getting the show onto the Internet and added that it really is a monumental task, so it might take a little while.

Howard took a call from Eric the Midget, who wanted to back out of the “American Idol Wrap Up Show” he was scheduled to do next week. Eric claimed that he was initially told by Will that the show was off, but then received a follow-up call a few hours later saying it was “a go.” However, Eric insisted that, during this brief period of time, the attendant who needs to fly with him told him he couldn’t accompany him and he couldn’t find a replacement. After Eric refused Howard’s request to have Artie be his attendant for the flight, Howard informed him that he could no longer ask for favors since he was canceling his appearance.

Eric announced that he’s moving to another part of California in March and that he’d like to fly to New York then to do his “American Idol” broadcast. Howard responded that he’d think about Eric’s proposal, but that since there would be more programming on his channels by then, he wasn’t sure if he could schedule it. Howard added that recording Eric going to the bathroom sounded like a better program for him to do, but Eric replied that he wasn’t interested in such a show. Before he got off the line, Eric reported that he found out just yesterday that Kelly Clarkson will be performing at this year’s Grammys, but Howard informed him he wouldn’t be helping him to get tickets after his latest stunt.

Howard got Shelia Kelley, an actress and exercise guru, on the phone. However, even though Shelia thought she was calling in to promote her new exercise DVD, “S Factor,” Howard said he had a surprise for her. Howard then got a woman named Nancy on the line, who claimed that, during one of Shelia’s exercise classes last month, she lashed out at Howard, calling him “a prick” and saying that he “disgusts” her. Nancy also said that Shelia announced she lost respect for Howard after his divorce.

Shelia recalled talking about Howard on the day in question, but she insisted she didn’t make the remarks Nancy claimed she did. Shelia added that, although her opinion of Howard did change when he got divorced, she thought better of him when he started dating Beth. Shelia then explained that she feels connected to Howard when he’s with a woman, but not when he’s single. Lisa, another person allegedly at the class, got on the line and claimed that Shelia did, in fact, say the things of which she was accused.

Howard told Shelia that he didn’t understand why she’d want to talk about her DVD on his show if she had such bad thoughts about him. Shelia responded that she actually thinks Howard is “a cool guy,” and that she therefore didn’t think her integrity was lessened simply because she wanted to promote her DVD. Howard then let Shelia talk about “S Factor,” which uses stripper pole dancing to teache women how to exercise, before again saying that he didn’t appreciate having her use him if she didn’t like him.

Lisa G. announced that The Howard 100 News is working on a big story about Elegant Elliott Offen. Lisa explained that, the day before Howard’s regular radio finale, Elliott reportedly struck two pedestrians on the streets of Manhattan with the truck he was driving and that one of them, a 73-year-old woman, died a few weeks later from injuries sustained in the accident. Lisa went on to say that, although the police report ruled the incident “an accident,” investigators are now reexamining the case because of some new information that was recently uncovered. After learning that Elliott hung up on a reporter from The H100 News, when he called him about the case, Howard told Gary to book Elliott so they could get to the bottom of what happened.

John the Stutterer and three porn stars came into the studio to talk about John’s first porno movie, “Here Cums John.” When he saw John, Howard immediately noted that he was “beaming” because of his role in the porno. John then told Howard that, although he didn’t get any upfront money for his part in the film, he’ll get a percentage of the DVD sales once the movie is released. This led Howard to say that he saw scenes from “Here Cums John” and that it was the “most repulsive” porno he’s ever viewed. When Howard reported that John was having trouble getting aroused in parts of the movie he saw, John insisted it was only because he couldn’t adjust to the condoms. John added that he wasn’t worried about catching diseases from the girls during the shoot and that his mother will eventually support his new career once she sees how happy it is making him.

Howard turned his attention to Tatiana Stone, one of John’s costars who said that she filmed her scene with John in a car this morning on the way to the studio. After claiming that John brought her to orgasm during their 20-minute love-making session, Tatiana then mentioned that John finished in her mouth, and proceeded to kiss her even though his “juice” was still in her mouth. Although Howard brought up that he’d never engage in such a practice, John replied that, although he didn’t like the taste of himself, it was offset by the taste of Tatiana’s “lovely vagina.”

The next starlet Howard addressed was Jayliene Brock, who was the woman with whom John had trouble getting an erection. Despite this, Jayliene, who ended up orally servicing John in the scene, mentioned that she liked John and that she’d work with him again. Jayliene added that, although her parents would be upset with her if they knew she was in porn, they’d be even madder if they ever discovered she was with a black man, which was the reason she only does white guys. Robin said that, if this was the case, she had an idea for how Jayliene could tell her parents she’s in porn. Robin suggested that Jayliene bring a black man to her parents’ home pretending he’s her boyfriend, and then, when her parents are ready to disown her, say that she was just kidding about their relationship, and that the only news she has for them is that she’s in porn.

Aubrey told Howard that she graduated from high school last June and that she knew she wanted to be in porn two years ago, when she was just 16. Aubrey then explained that she didn’t have a reason why she was leaning toward her career at such a young age, but somehow she saw herself living the porn lifestyle. Aubrey went on to say that she still lives at home and that her mother thinks she earns her money babysitting. When Gary announced that Aubrey’s mother has her suspicions about what her daughter actually does for a living, Aubrey said her mom will eventually accept her job when she does tell her about it.

Howard brought up that he didn’t enjoy seeing John naked because he has no muscle tone, before also pointing out that John didn’t stutter much during the movie. Jayliene went on to say that she would have sex with John off screen, a claim that Howard said he didn’t believe. After an unsuccessful attempt at finding out how much money the girls were paid for their parts in “Here Cums John,” Howard again asked John about how he’ll get his money for the movie. John responded that his manager and lawyer worked out the agreement and that he was confident he’d get paid. John then proceeded to play a “Keith Moon” drum solo on Jayliene’s rear end.

For the second straight day, Howard was able to convince a girl to try out the Sybian, with Tatiana agreeing to climb aboard this morning. When she got on the Sybian and Gary got it going, Tatiana said that it felt “nice.” As Gary increased the machine’s speed, Tatiana compared the feeling to great sex where “everything was being hit.” Gary proceeded to increase the speed of the Sybian to 100 percent, which Tatiana claimmed that it was better than any man with whom she’d ever had sex. After Howard noted that Tatiana’s legs were shaking once she got off the Sybian, he added that the attachment each girl uses will be autographed by her and then displayed on the studio’s bar.

Mike Walker of The National Enquirer called in with this week’s installment of The Gossip Game. According to the game’s rules, Mike reports on four stories, only three of which are allegedly true. Everyone must then pick out which tale is the imposter. The following are the stories Mike read this morning:

(1) A bouncer refused to allow Lindsay Lohan into a bar after he had read in “Vanity Fair” that she’s only 19 years old.

(2) Upon filming a scene for “Lost,” Matthew Fox lost his bathing suit while underwater, and used strategically placed seaweed to cover up when returning to land.

(3) When she made an appearance on “Will & Grace,” Britney Spears not only wouldn’t let her baby sleep in the nursery designed for Debra Messing’s child, but also received money from the show to hire a nanny.

(4) Nicollette Sheridan pulled her husband, Michael Botlon, into a bathroom while they attended a party to yell at him for being late to the event.

Howard commented that he didn’t think anybody would be upset with someone getting money for a nanny, so he picked Number Three as the fake story, and Robin agreed. After Artie and Fred chose the second story as the made-up one, Mike announced that Number Three was the phony report. Robin responded that whenever she and Howard team up, they always win.

Howard noted that the only complaint he has about working at SIRIUS is that it’s always cold in the studio. Artie added that he’s sometimes so cold during the show that he keeps his winter coat on. Thom, an engineer from SIRIUS, came into the studio and announced that it’s frigid in the studio because there’s no heater, but that architects and other engineers have promised him they’ll correct the problem soon.

Gary commented that he heard from the television crew that there was no heat in the KROCK studio either, a claim that Scott the Engineer said wasn’t true. Scott’s presence in the studio led Howard to wonder why the studio floor shakes whenever big people walk on it. Thom replied that SIRIUS execs wanted to isolate the studio from the rest of the building, so springs were installed under the floor to help achieve that goal. However, Thom said that the floor situation will be addressed by the architects and engineers as well.

As promised yesterday, Howard arranged for JD to have a phone sex session with his favorite Webcam girl, Kissyphur, this morning. To make JD as comfortable as possible for his one-on-one session, Kissyphur, Howard announced that JD was in another room with a wireless mic. Howard also promised JD that he’d be quiet throughout his time with Kissyphur, who was linked to the show on her cam through monitors.

JD began his conversation with Kissyphur by asking, “Are you ready to be a dirty whore for me?” After getting her to disrobe and spank herself, JD then instructed Kissyphur to suck on one of her toys while pretending it was him. Although JD demanded Kissyphur insert toys in both of her other orifices, Howard noted that he didn’t think JD was getting into it enough. JD responded that he’s usually more animated when he talks to Kissyphur, but that he was nervous about doing it on the air. When JD next said that he usually just has Kissyphur suck on toys, Artie commented that such an act doesn’t really do much for him.

Because JD was disappointing, Howard took over for him. Howard first told Kissyphur to do 10 sit ups,and then to take off her boots and socks. Howard proceeded to ask Kissyphur about her first lesbian experience, while listeners, including the Rev. Bob Levy, called in to boss her around themselves.

After Kissyphur hung up, JD claimed that he couldn’t have one of his normal phone-sex conversations with her because of the cameras on him and the fact that millions of people were listening. JD also pointed out that he’s not “Mr. Performer” like everyone else on the show and is quiet and reserved. While Robin commented that JD’s performance was “sad,” Artie mentioned that it was even more depressing because the show had racked up a $4,000 phone sex bill this morning.

Phyllis, one of the people who was under Howard’s watch when he was a camp counselor in the mid-1970s, plus two of her friends, came into the studio. Howard admitted that he had a crush on Phyllis back then, but that he couldn’t act on it because he was 19 and she was 15. In fact, Howard said that he found Phyllis so attractive that he thought about looking her up when she was “legal” three years later, but decided not to do it. Phyllis replied that she was interested in Howard as well and remembered that he promised all the kids on their bus that he was going to be famous one day.

Phyllis claimed that she didn’t realize the person she used to know as “Howie” Stern was actually “Howard Stern” until she saw him on “The Tonight Show.” Phyllis went on to recall that Howard once got a camper thrown off a trip they were taking to the Grand Canyon because he busted the kid for having marijuana. Howard explained that, because state troopers often pulled over buses filled with campers at the time, he was under strict orders to not allow any drugs on the bus. Howard added that since the head counselor, Woody, didn’t know what marijuana looked like, he had the job of testing out the confiscated material to see if it actually was pot. Howard then said that he took the bag into the bathroom, and “found out” that it was, in fact, marijuana.