STICK A FORK IN HIM
The Howard Stern Show for February 22, 2006

Howard began the show by mentioning that he received two Valentine’s Day cards: one from Mariann from Brooklyn and the other from Wendy the Retard. After Howard commented that Wendy actually signed her card “Wendy the Retard,” Artie pointed out that her signature looked like a doctor’s handwriting. Howard then threw out the cards, adding that it was only because the only notes he ever saves are the ones he gets from his daughters.

Howard brought up that he heard a tape of Ronnie on Bubba the Love Sponge’s show yesterday and that he spent the entire interview whining. This led Howard to talk about how he first met Ronnie. Howard recalled that Ronnie was originally hired more than 20 years ago to drive him to a standup gig in Hartford. After their introduction, Howard said that Ronnie wrote him a five-page letter in crayon talking about how much he wanted to be his friend, which he admitted made him nervous. In fact, Howard added that the letter scared him so much that he even warned Alison “to keep her eyes open” for Ronnie. However, Howard noted that when the people at KROCK agreed to get him a limo some time later, he decided to put his fears aside because Ronnie quoted the most reasonable price of all the applicants. Ronnie came into the studio and insisted that his letter wasn’t written in crayon and that he sent it just to let Howard know what a big fan he was.

Howard said that Ronnie also badmouthed Artie on yesterday’s “The Wrap Up Show.” In the clip, Ronnie claimed that Artie wasn’t his friend, noting that he wouldn’t write jokes for him for his roast today and that he always says he’ll hang out with him, yet never does. After Gary assured Ronnie that Artie doesn’t socialize with anyone from the show, Ronnie added that he feels Artie “just plain doesn’t like him.”

Artie told Ronnie that he’d get together with him anytime he wanted, but that one of his problems is actually making plans for anything, regardless of who they’re with. Ronnie replied that Artie has, in fact, asked him to go to lunch in the past, but that he only did so when he knew he couldn’t go. Artie commented that he didn’t even know how to respond to Ronnie’s accusation, adding that he doesn’t hang out with Dana all that often either.

When Ronnie mentioned that Scott the Engineer was his only friend, Robin pointed out that wasn’t necessarily true. Robin explained that Scott went off on Ronnie during Penny Crone’s pet peeves report on The Howard 100 News that focused on Ronnie. After Howard noted that Ronnie seems to think there’s a secret club that he’s not allowed to join, Ronnie responded that he wasn’t afraid of Howard or “his fat friend, Bubba.” Ronnie explained that, yesterday he asked Bubba if Bubba was ready to take his rebuttal at the roast and it seemed to him that this question scared Bubba. Artie then again pointed out that he offered to write Ronnie some jokes for the roast, but that he turned down his offer. However, Ronnie insisted that the only person who offered to help him out was Dan the Song Parody Man, before adding that he’d rather have a dead man write for him than Dan.

Captain Janks got on the line to talk about how excited he was about the roast. When Ronnie told Janks that he should’ve “came in” and helped him, Howard demanded that Ronnie correct his grammar. However, Ronnie acknowledged that he didn’t know what was wrong with what he said. Ronnie went on to note that Artie only likes people who buy him things, “like second-row floor seats to Billy Joel concerts.” Artie responded that Ronnie’s argument wasn’t true and that he’s actually given over $50,000 to his friends from high school. Artie added, though, that he did have a great time at the Billy Joel show he attended last week.

Ralph called in and reported that he didn’t think Ronnie would be able to handle the roast, explaining that he busted on Ronnie once and “he cried for months” about it. However, Howard pointed out that since Ralph didn’t exactly come through during his roast, he shouldn’t complain about anyone else.

A caller informed Howard that he once got a throat infection after he performed oral sex on a stripper. Howard asked the caller how he could do such a thing to a stranger and he replied that he did it because he likes giving oral sex. Artie admitted that he’s received oral sex from strippers, but that he’d never use his mouth on one in return. Before he got off the line, the caller apologized because he was the one who fell asleep on the phone during the first week of broadcasts. However, Howard assured the caller his sleeping incident was funny and no apology was necessary.

Howard again brought up that Ronnie has paranoia issues when it comes to people hanging out with him. A caller then told Howard that he shouldn’t be friends with Ronnie, seeing as Ronnie’s only his limo driver. Howard responded that he’s been nothing but good to Ronnie during their friendship, pointing out that he not only hired him as a driver, but also as a security guard, which allows Ronnie to have two incomes. Artie added that he still didn’t completely understand Ronnie’s complaints about him, although he likened Ronnie’s attitude to the way some of his former friends from “the docks” started treating him after he got famous.

Howard announced that Eric the Astronaut again backed out of his “American Idol Wrap-Up Show” that was supposed to air this week. Howard explained that Eric’s first excuse this time was that he couldn’t fly to New York and that he then refused to travel to Los Angeles to broadcast the program from there. Eric responded that Tim Sabean, the program director of Howard’s channels, was supposed to get in touch with him to set up his trip, but that he never did. However, Gary assured Howard that Tim did, in fact, call Eric, and that Eric was the one who canceled the plans.

Tim came into the studio to say that he was concerned about putting Eric on despite the fact that he had yet to submit a plan for what he wants to do on his show. However, Howard explained that Tim was putting too much effort into Eric’s show. Howard acknowledged that both he and his audience were expecting Eric’s program to be “the worst radio show in history,” so Tim shouldn’t worry about it as much as he has been. Tim admitted that he wanted Eric to have a format lined up for his broadcast and that he wanted to present Howard with a quality show.

After Gary mentioned that Eric posted personal information about some of the people from the show on a Website, Howard asked again what his “American Idol Wrap Up Show” will sound like. Eric replied that he typed notes for what he plans on discussing on the program, but that he didn’t have access to them this morning. Howard then read some of the notes Eric posted on the Internet, including how he hoped to have a discussion with his co-host, Brian Dunkleman, about what he’s been doing, as well as talking about some of the funniest moments from the show. Howard admitted that the idea of hearing Eric on the air appeals to him, so he scheduled another date – March 8 – for him to make his premiere. Eric promised Howard he will go through with the broadcast this time, before thanking him for the opportunity.

Robin reported that she tuned into “The Ditsy Misty Show” last night and, although she thought it was entertaining, she would’ve liked it more had Misty gone off the way she did during her appearance on yesterday’s show. Since the topic of talk shows came up, Howard mentioned that he had a clip of Tyra Banks discussing her greatest fear during her recent show about phobias. In the clip, Tyra admitted that she has a fear of dolphins, which she said stemmed from a dream she had when she was a child. Upon hearing this, Howard wondered when Tyra would ever have to encounter her phobia in real life, unless she decided to be a dolphin trainer. Howard went on to say that he has a fear of being eaten by sharks, but that he’s not too concerned with ever having to deal with it. Howard also pointed out that Tyra was so moved by her revelation that she began crying during the segment.

Bubba the Love Sponge’s producer, Brent, stopped into the studio to talk about the special on the military that he will be hosting tonight on Howard 100 – “Boot Camp.” Brent reported that, although he doesn’t agree with the war in Iraq, he will have guests on who feel otherwise and will have serious discussions with them about the topic. Brent proceeded to show off the Howard 100 logo tattoo that he has on his leg. After seeing how big the tattoo was, Howard pointed out that he’d never be able to get rid of Brent because of his marking. Brent responded that he divides his life based on January 9, the day of his first broadcast on Howard 101, explaining that nothing that happened to him before that date was as good as everything that has occurred after it.

Beetlejuice made his in-studio premiere at SIRIUS this morning, and Howard began their conversation asking about the health of his manager, Sean. Beet commented that Sean suffered a stroke last month, but that he’s now back from the hospital. Since Beet was the one who actually placed the 911 call that saved Sean’s life, Howard asked him to talk about the incident. Beet replied that he picked up Sean “with one hand” and was able to put him over his shoulder and rest him on the floor before calling 911. Beetle added that Sean’s wife, Michelle, a woman to whom Beet also claims to be married, now manages his career.

Beet acknowledged this morning that he takes Viagra and that it takes “about five hours” for it to kick in. When Howard pointed out that the medication must take so long to work for Beetle because he’s such “a big man,” Beet responded, “Me? I stay hard for two hours.” Howard then noted that he was amazed that Beetle didn’t curse during his interview. After Beetle replied that he’s “just a simple man” who doesn’t need to resort to swearing, Howard asked him about his thoughts on Iran having nuclear weapons. Beetle responded that “it’s something different,” before saying about Dick Cheney: “If he has the choice to go to jail, he’ll probably go in and say he got no choice.”

Howard once again asked Beetle to say his favorite curse word, but Beet refused to take the bait. This led Howard to comment that, when Beetle was on KROCK, he had to hit the button quite often, but, when Beet was free to say what he wanted, he refused to let loose. Howard proceeded to take some calls from listeners who attempted to rile Beetle up. When one caller claimed that Beetlejuice had sex with his wife last week, Beet responded, “If I was banging your wife, your wife would be there even longer.” Howard then asked Beetle how much he charged the caller’s wife to have sex with him, to which Beet replied, “About four minutes.”

Before he turned the floor over to the master of Ronnie’s roast, The Reverend Bob Levy, Howard reported that the 11 performers were set to go and that an audience of 20-30 people was packed into the studio. Bubba the Love Sponge, who came up from Florida especially to participate in Ronnie’s roast, said that he prepared for his appearance on tonight’s episode of “The Situation with Tucker Carlson” by shaving his arms and consuming water pills, which he claimed helped him lose a few pounds in the past day. Howard proceeded to turn his attention to JD, who he noted was sitting on the floor while supposedly operating the boom mic for the crowd. After demanding that Scott make the necessary adjustments that were needed for the boom mic, Gary mentioned that Ronnie wasn’t in his seat because he wanted “to make an entrance.” Gary then cued Ronnie, who came into the studio accompanied by two Scores girls and “a civilian;” Dakota, Brooke and Robin. However, as Howard attempted to ask the girls some questions, Ronnie informed him that they’d only talk to Howard if he gave them permission to do so.

Bob kicked off the roast mentioning that Ronnie was the only guy he could stand next to and feel young. Bob also noted that Ronnie’s business card says “Scores Man” before questioning if “Angry Little Useless Piece of Sh*t” was too long to fit on the card. Bob went on to claim that “Ronnie is to security what Artie is to a high-jump,” while also commenting that if Ronnie were any shorter he’d have to do security at Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. Bob then called up the first roaster, Rappin’ Granny.

After Granny began her set asking Ronnie who cut “the best celebrity fart” in one of his limos, she pointed out that his work is never done, explaining that Ronnie can be found “at 4 a.m. in the backseat still wiping up c*m.” When Granny also noted that if Howard ever fires Ronnie he’ll end up “doing airport runs and pumping gas for some piece of sh*t car service,” Howard advised her to quit while she was ahead. Bob then introduced the man who wears more makeup than burn victims, Sal the Stockbroker.

Although Sal focused most of his routine on Ronnie’s Jewish faith – including how amazed he was that Hitler hated the Jews without even having met Ronnie and how Ronnie is so old he once received a lap dance from Anne Frank – he also dealt with Ronnie’s role as Howard’s security guard. After Sal commented that he wasn’t surprised Howard hired Ronnie, seeing as Howard has had a small prick for 52 years, so it wasn’t a big deal to have one more around, Ronnie responded that Sal’s performance was “all right.” Ronnie added that he was feeling “fine” thus far, especially because of the women he had sitting with him.

Jim Florentine started his act by taking shots at Yucko the Clown’s failed MTV show, as well as Shuli’s signature sign-off, “shalom,” before dealing with Ronnie. However, during Jim’s performance, which included lines about how he’d rather have a Viagra-filled Michael Jackson baby sit his kids than have Ronnie as a security guard, Ronnie interrupted him to ask when he was “getting to the good jokes.” Following Jim’s remaining comments about Ronnie’s age, Ronnie asked him if it was true that when a comedian bombs at a roast he never works again.

As Ronnie continued to complain about Jim’s performance, Howard pointed out that Ronnie was beginning to act like Ralph did during his roast and proceeded to lead the entire studio audience a chant of “cunty.” When Bob got back on the mic, he suggested that Ronnie didn’t like Jim’s jokes because they “might’ve gone over his head.”

Artie started his routine by wondering why he would ever hang out with Ronnie, seeing as he already has “a guy who drives him to work.” After mentioning that Ronnie’s so short that his feet are visible in his driver’s license photo, Artie said that whenever someone brings up the actress Minnie Driver, he automatically assumes the person’s talking about Ronnie.

Artie then pointed out that Bob once accused Dave Chappelle of stealing one of his jokes, which he said was like “Gary the Retard accusing Stephen Hawking of stealing one of his theories.” Upon assuring Bubba that the water pills were having their desired effect on him, Artie commented that Howard needs more attention than anyone else he knows. To illustrate his point, Artie brought up that Howard not only hired a news team to cover only him, but that he got mad when one of its members reported on how much he paid for Beth’s Valentine’s Day presents. Artie reminded Howard that The News was created to cover more than when he has “an extra frozen banana at night,” before recommending that Howard create “yet another roundtable about him.”

Despite his insults, Artie admitted that Howard does some important things with his money, like buy Robin another car. Artie went on to say that while 40 people died in New York yesterday because of the cold, Robin’s biggest decision was to decide which of her seven cars to drive into work this morning. Upon closing his set saying that he hasn’t seen something as “big and black” as the stretched Escalade limo Ronnie bought for Howard since he caught a glimpse of “the last c*ck Ralph sucked,” Artie said, “My name’s Artie Lange; thanks for letting me get a load off my chest.”

Ronnie noted that Artie was “pretty f’ing funny” because of the way he let Howard have it. However, even though Howard claimed that he handled Artie’s comments well, Ronnie pointed out that Artie will eventually pay for what he said. This led Artie to report that he hopes Howard’s retaliation involves another million-dollar job offer that allows him to “sit around and act like a douche.”

As Ronnie began having his female friends disrobe while also providing them with shots of tequila, Richard Christy launched into a parody of AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long,” called “That Jew is a Grumpy A’hole.” Mike Morse then took the stage, noting that Sal’s appearance in “Supertwink” was the most unsuccessful film he’s ever been in...since his wedding video. After announcing that it was a bad sign for Howard’s safety when his security isn’t tall enough to ride Space Mountain, Mike also suggested that Howard take the next logical step and hire Cabbie to do his taxes. Before turning over the floor to Don Jamieson, Mike commented that when he sees Ronnie getting a lap dance at Scores, to him it looks like the girl is “sh*tting out an Oompa Loompa” when she grinds on his leg.

Don touched on a number of topics while talking about Ronnie, including the fact that Ronnie’s driving is so bad that Billy Joel refuses to get into a car with him. Upon mentioning that Ronnie’s so hairy his wife calls him “Kissyphur” when she “goes down on him,” Don added that Ronnie’s so annoying that High Pitch Eric lets his calls go to his voicemail. Don also noted that Ronnie is so flabby that quadriplegics laugh at his muscle tone.

Shuli, who Bob commented couldn’t be more Jewish if his parents named him “Kike,” noted that he wasn’t sure what had more plastic: the breasts of the women sitting with Ronnie or Ronnie’s hip. Shuli went on to say that Ronnie’s always talking about being thrown under a bus, but that, if it weren’t for Howard, Ronnie would actually be driving the bus, to which Ronnie responded that Shuli was in the same situation as him. However, Shuli was unphased by Ronnie’s attempt at a comeback, adding that he’s never seen anyone use a shoehorn to put on a shirt, before also informing Ronnie that “they come in medium now, f’ face.”

As Yucko was doing his routine – which included pointing out that even though Ronnie’s in his 50s he doesn’t look a day over “filthy Jew” – Ronnie informed him that no one was laughing. However, after the audience shot back at Ronnie with a round of “wah wah waaahs,” Yucko closed his set commenting that Ronnie and Ralph have something in common: “they’re both stuck up a’holes,” which was well-received by the audience.

Bubba took a different approach to his roast by admitting that he wasn’t a comedian and therefore had no “zingers” to offer. Bubba went on to say, though, that none of the women Ronnie showcases ever has any real interest him and that’s because nobody likes him. Because Bubba was swearing during his time on the mic, Ronnie asked why Bubba was allowed to use such language when he wasn’t. Bubba replied that he was given permission to do so because he has his own show and that Ronnie should start learning his place.

As Ronnie continued to interrupt Bubba suggesting that he has his program only because of Howard, Bubba noted that it was typical Ronnie behavior. Bubba then asked Howard to play a prerecorded message that Ned prepared specially for the roast. Following the clip, Artie mentioned that he didn’t know he was allowed to simply play a tape during the roast to get laughs and requested that they just play part of George Carlin’s first album as his contribution to the next roast.

When Ronnie made his way to podium to the chant of “midget” for his rebuttal, one of the girls who had come in with him, Robin, agreed to take off her top. Robin then claimed that she works in a bank and isn’t involved in stripping. Robin went on to say that if Ronnie did well during his retaliation, she’d be willing to remove her pants as well. However, given the condition that Ronnie had to do well during his performance in order for Robin’s pants to come off, Bob commented that there was “no chance” of it happening.

Like Bubba, Ronnie began by reminding everyone that he isn’t a comedian, a fact which Howard said was apparent. When Ronnie proceeded to thank “Bubber” for flying in for the roast and mentioned that he hoped “his arms didn’t hurt” because of the trip, Gary commented that the girls should have to remove their clothes immediately. After some hesitation, all the girls gave in to Gary’s demand. The crowd began cheering as the women stripped down, which propelled Artie to take a shot of tequila. As Ronnie continued in his attempt to roast the roasters, Howard told Ronnie that he’s a great driver, and that “he was driving the roast into the ground.”

Because of the success of the roast, Howard announced that future events might take place at night and in larger venues, and then be broadcast the following morning. However, Howard added that the new setting won’t come into play during the next roast, which he and Bob decided will be in honor of Scott the Engineer. Although Scott insisted that Howard promised he wouldn’t use him as the subject of a roast, Howard responded that he had no recollection of making such a statement. Howard admitted, though, that roasting Scott will be “too easy,” naming his baldness, infidelity and lung disease as obvious targets of ridicule. Despite Howard’s feelings, Artie added that he thinks the biggest topic people will address at the next roast is Scott’s “general loserness.”

During the news, Howard took a call from a listener who said that Ronnie behaved just like Ralph did during his roast. Howard agreed with the caller’s assessment, which led Ronnie to come into the studio to defend his reaction to the roast. Ronnie explained that he “said what he had to say” during his rebuttal, and then stopped talking. Robin replied that she didn’t see it that way, though, and that, to her, Ronnie spent too much time wandering around with the girls who were with him and not enough time at the mic.