PORN BEATS SLOW
The Howard Stern Show for February 7, 2007

Howard began today paying tribute to Richard and Sal with a montage of their prank calls. In the first, Richard called an old and sped-up his voice, while in the second, Richard, Sal and some female interns called the psychic, Morris, who got so upset that he revealed on the air the phone number they were calling from. Morris then encouraged his viewers to call the number in order to “give him some happiness in his life because he doesn’t have it,” before referring to “him” as an “idiot.” The third call featured Richard phoning into a public access show to announce he discovered “a new talent”: that he could “lick his own asshole.”

When Eric the Midget called in, Howard revealed he received a number of negative e-mails about his calls, and read a few for him. However, Eric responded by claiming those messages should let Howard know people don’t like him and should therefore would like for him be roasted, but Howard again refused. Eric went on to ask Howard if a certain episode of “Casino Cinema,” which is co-hosted by Beth O, would be replaying because Diana DeGarmo was on it. Howard then told Eric he wasn’t sure if that episode would be on again, but promised he’d get him a copy, a gesture that Eric said he’d “appreciate.”

After playing a few prank calls made to Eric, Gary came into the studio and reported JD had a copy of the “Casino Cinema” Eric was looking for, but that, because JD didn’t like Eric, he would overnight it to him if he repeated the line, “I like black c*ck.” Eric wouldn’t give into JD’s request, though, and Howard assured him he’d still get him the tape...eventually.

Siobhan the Transsexual called in accusing Howard of discriminating against Eric when it came to his roast, but Howard insisted it wasn’t that, but was simply a creative decision. Given this, Siobhan suggested the Wack Pack roast Eric as an alternative to real comedians doing it, but Howard denied that idea as well. Siobhan also asked if she could attend the show’s next creative meeting, but Howard informed her he didn’t invite the general public to be there. When Siobhan then claimed she had good ideas for the show, Howard advised her to e-mail them to Artie, who gave Siobhan the following address artie@babygorilla/.org_corporate_jerseyboys\.com to send them to (be sure to type it correctly or he won’t get your emails).

A caller wanted to know if Beth had ever been approached to be in Playboy, and he said she had, but that he knew she’d never do it, no matter how much money she was offered. The caller then asked Howard if he’d have a problem with her doing it, and he acknowledged he had mixed feelings, with part of him not wanting other men to see her that way and another side of him liking the “bragging” he could do because of it. Howard added that Beth was making “really good money” as a legitimate model, and feared posing naked would tarnish her reputation.

Howard admitted he didn’t like the way the judges on “American Idol” treated one of the show’s contestants – a heavyset woman wearing spandex – last night, and played a clip of it. In the tape, Randy Jackson, Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul all laughed at the contestant before she even said a word, which led Howard to point out he felt Paula was one step away from being that woman herself. Because Paula was the topic of discussion, Howard also mentioned Mariah Carey continues to bring up his name in interviews, claiming remarks he made in 2001 about her weight gain really upset her at the time.

The television psychiatrist, Dr. Keith Ablow, got on the line to talk about a debate that occurred this week on the show. Before he got to that, though, Dr. Keith said he met Tyra Banks when he was on her program, and was distracted by her beauty, while also commenting that he didn’t think Dr. Phil’s advice was always sound. Dr. Keith went on to note he didn’t feel it was a good idea for Sean Hornbeck and his family to be on “Oprah” last month, although he admitted she was the one television personality he believed could be “empathetic” to them.

Howard then got to the reason Dr. Keith was calling in, and announced that, like him, Dr. Keith was against the way Gary used software to monitor his son’s Internet activity. However, before Dr. Keith got into the details of his opinion on the matter, Gary reported he and his wife discussed the matter last night, and had decided, based on Howard’s advice, to inform their son that they are monitoring his Internet use.

Dominic Barbara called to disagree with Dr. Keith’s point of view, explaining he felt parents had the right to protect their children from online predators. Howard replied by acknowledging he felt the same way, but still thought Gary should let his son know that he was doing so.

Eric the Midget then got back on the line to ask Dr. Keith if Diana DeGarmo and other “American Idols” would be appearing on his program this Friday, and he said they would be. Eric went on to say he’d like to watch the show, but that he couldn’t find it listed in his area.

Howard announced a musical retrospective of many of the musical performances that have happened on the show during its 25-year history would be airing the weekend after next on Howard 100. Howard added the show would begin on Friday, February 16 and would run all the way through Sunday. Howard went on to say Dave Grohl, Steven Tyler, Mark McGrath, Phil Collins, Jon Bon Jovi, David Bowie, Sting, James Taylor, Elton John and Stevie Wonder were just some of the artists featured in the more than 200 performances in the special.

Howard said he was having Ron Jeremy in the studio because there was a show-related controversy in his new book, “The Hardest (Working) Man in Showbiz.” Ron began by acknowledging that AVN has named him the most recognizable name in porn, before also saying he has never taken Viagra during his career, although he acknowledged he knew why some porn stars needed it given the pressure of the industry. Ron added he had money, but that it was mostly because of his business endeavors and not his work in porn.

Howard turned to the matter at hand, which was Ron’s allegation in his book that he, Taylor Wane, Tabitha Stevens and Crazy Cabbie shot a porno in his old KROCK studio. After getting Cabbie on the line too, Howard said he thought Cabbie was the one who got Ron and Tabitha into the studio, but Ron insisted Cabbie wasn’t in the studio while they shot the movie. Cabbie then claimed he once asked Howard if could film the porno in his studio, and that he had said yes, but Howard told him that statement “insulted his intelligence.”

Ron reported he and a man named Brett had sex with Taylor in Howard’s chair, but that they didn’t “finish.” When Howard pointed out his studio was always locked, Ron responded that the fact someone had a key to get him in led him to believe Howard was behind the project. Howard then asked Cabbie to describe his involvement in the porno, and he said he was “the Steven Spielberg of the movie” because he produced it.

Gary came in and stated someone who worked there had to let Ron and company into the studio to film the porno, and, since Cabbie was the only employee from Infinity who worked on the movie, he thought Cabbie was responsible for it, but Cabbie insisted that wasn’t the case. As Cabbie again compared himself to Steven Spielberg, Gary pointed out the two weren’t the same because Spielberg always got the appropriate permits prior to shooting his movies, which was why he believed Cabbie snuck people into Howard’s studio behind his back. Cabbie went on to apologize for his actions, and claimed he “shelved” the porno and didn’t release it simply because he didn’t want to, while Artie thought it might have been shelved because of bad lighting.

Artie noted he thought Cabbie was “digging the hole deeper” and advised him to fess up to his true involvement in the porno, but Cabbie wouldn’t reveal anymore details. When Howard asked Ron if he would’ve been in the film if he’d known he hadn’t approved it, Ron responded, “No, not a prayer.” Cabbie then complained that he didn’t think Ron needed to put this story in his book, but Artie pointed out it wasn’t Ron’s fault given his innocence in what happened. Cabbie proceeded to apologize again, and referred to himself as “young, dumb and stupid” when the movie was shot.

As Cabbie continued to insist that Howard gave his permission to shoot the porno, Artie yelled the excuse was making Cabbie sound like “a retard.” Howard then asked why, if he did approve the porno as Cabbie claimed, he wasn’t told about its filming, but Cabbie didn’t have an answer. Cabbie added “there were some things you don’t tell,” and wouldn’t reveal whose idea it was to shoot the movie in Howard’s studio.

Howard took calls from listeners, who all noted how ungrateful Cabbie was to Howard, despite all the support he’s given him throughout his career. Irish John, who noted he was good friends with Tabitha, then called in and reported Tabitha refused to do her scene in the studio because she didn’t think Howard would approve of it, and added that she accused Cabbie of putting the whole thing together. Ralph next got on the line to say he wasn’t surprised by Cabbie’s behavior, especially given his “Crazy” moniker, but Artie replied that wasn’t a good argument, and Fred said even people who weren’t smart would’ve known not to shoot the porno in Howard’s studio.

Howard also took a call from Angry Black, who claimed Brett once showed him the porno, and thought he had seen Cabbie having sex in Howard’s studio in it, but both Ron and Cabbie insisted that didn’t happen. Cabbie proceeded to say he didn’t want to talk about the movie anymore and asked Howard if he could talk to him off the air about it, but Howard said he wasn’t interested in doing that.

Howard acknowledged he had “a weird personality,” and that, because he now felt betrayed by Cabbie, he’d never be able to look at him the same way again. Howard then wondered if anyone else he knew was involved with the porno, but Cabbie refused to answer. Because of Cabbie’s reply, Artie guessed there were, in fact, other people Howard knew in on it, which led Howard to thank Cabbie for allowing him to trust even more people who didn’t deserve to be trusted.

After Cabbie hung up, Howard asked Ron if he’d ever had sex with famous women, but he responded he never talked about that. Ron went on to say he once showed his penis to Paris Hilton and Bijou Phillips in exchange for a glimpse of their breasts, and admitted Sal once put his “balls” on his head while he was taking a picture with a fan. Gary then came into the studio and reported he’d known Ron for years and had never seen him angrier than he was at Sal that day, while Sal entered to demonstrate what he did. Instead of being angry, though, Ron laughed and said he thought Sal was “a nice guy.”

Howard got to the next bit, “Porn Stars vs. Slow Adults.” Prior to the game, though, Howard asked Andrea, aka Miss Howard Stern, who was on the Slow team with the Rev. Bob Levy and Crackhead Bob, if she had new breast implants, but she claimed she didn’t, and immediately added she was now off drugs...but was still drinking. After Artie noted he thought Andrea gained weight, she replied she was now a size zero, and that she put on a few pounds because of the fact she quit using drugs. Gary then came into the studio to report Andrea got out of rehab last year and, the day she was released, got drunk, got into a car accident, and lost her teeth as a result. However, Andrea responded she “still graduated” from rehab, and that she was there because of her drug use and not her alcohol consumption.

Andrea added she got married last month, but filed for divorce yesterday. Andrea next said her husband was “a complete mental case,” and that she found out he only married her because he was a fan of hers.

Howard next introduced the porn stars, Trina Michaels, Liv Wylder and Lyla Lei. After Trina talked about how she has done “double anal” scenes in four of her pornos, Liv admitted she performed oral sex on men through “a glory hole” in a Florida bookstore. Upon hearing that, Artie asked Liv if she met her husband, Gene Wilder, at the bookstore. Liv went on to say she was married, “worked” at the Bunny Ranch and has been known to stick an umbrella handle in her rear end. Artie responded to the last remark by saying he’d heard opening an umbrella in that area of the body was “bad luck.” The final contestant, Lyla, said she believes in ghosts, and masturbates several times a day.

Howard began the game, asking Andrea this question: Name a fruit that begins with the letter “L,” and Andrea got a point for her reply, “lemon.” Howard then asked Trina “what does it mean if an animal is nocturnal,” and she was correct as well when she said “they’re awake at night.” Because infamous spelling abilities, Howard asked the Rev. Bob to spell “prophet,” and he responded “p-h-o-f-e-t,” while Liv incorrectly guessed “p-h-r-o-e-t,” Crackhead refused to even try it, Lyla spelled the word “profit,” and Andrea actually got it right. After Round 1, Howard announced the slow adults were in the lead, 2-1.

Howard asked Liv who Wolf Blitzer was, and she earned a point when she replied “a reporter.” Howard then asked the Rev. Bob again to spell “prophet,” and he went with “p-o-r-f-i-t.” Howard proceeded to ask Lyla what teams played in the Super Bowl this past weekend, and she began by guessing “Tony,” but changed her response to “Chicago and the Bears.” After Andrea guessed “Manning,” Trina got the answer, the Chicago Bears and Indianapolis Colts. Following the Rev. Bob’s spelling of “Februar,” as “F-e-b-a-u-r-a-r-y,” Liv answered “F-e-b-u-a-r-y,” Lyla tried “F-e-b-u-a-r-i-e,” and Andrea, who noted that her birthday was this month, guessed “F-a-b-u-a-r-d-y,” before Howard spelled it for everyone. After Trina was able to identify “west” as the direction on a map to the left, Howard announced the porn stars were winning, 4-3.

Howard next asked the Rev. Bob to name three continents, and he incorrectly replied Asia, Europe and Germany, which led Artie to claim he never wanted to see Bob again. Liv then named three continents, Asia, Europe and North America. Crackhead Bob was then asked to divide 75 by three, but Howard decided to ask him an easier question, and asked him why Neil Armstrong was famous, and Bob responded, “It’s a little bit hard…five, four, two, one…all the way up…up, up and away.” After Artie stopped laughing hysterically at Bob’s answer, Howard said he’d accept it as Bob’s way of saying “astronaut.” Howard then asked Lyla what the word “feline” referred to, but she said, “The line you get in for money,” and Andrea answered, “A female dog.” When Trina correctly got the answer, “cat,” Howard proclaimed the porn stars the winners of the game, 6-4.

Because Andrea got so many correct answers during the contest, Howard allowed her hairstylist, Leticia, to come into the studio to sing a song she wrote about her friend Andrea. After Howard and Robin acknowledged they liked the performance, Howard asked if any of the girls wanted to ride the Sybian, and Liv immediately raised her hand – just beating Lyla for the “honor.” Liv then got on the machine and quickly had an orgasm as Gary turned it to full power.

Following a break, Howard said Benjy claimed Andrea asked him for drugs during the commercial, but she insisted that didn’t happen. Benjy then recounted what happened, noting Andrea initially asked him for “weed” before asking for cocaine. However, Andrea replied, “I really don’t know,” but assured Howard she’d be able to keep off drugs. Howard went on to point out Andrea was drunk, and that, at 9:30 a.m., he felt it was too early for her to be in such a state.

Howard proceeded to ask Andrea to walk a straight line, which she did with just a little trouble. When Will asked Andrea to get naked in the studio, she replied she wouldn’t do it unless she got paid, noting women like Britney Spears showed off their private parts for free.

Howard then asked Bob to say the words “footprint,” “volcano,” “hedonism” and “discussing,” but he wasn’t able to do it.

While Steve Langford was in the studio previewing the days’ Howard 100 News stories, he revealed that Ralph was contemplating hiring a personal assistant. Ralph then called in and explained he wasn’t looking to hire someone for the job full time, but instead wanted a person who’d help him perform menial tasks throughout the week. Ralph went on to say, for example, he had items he wanted to sell on eBay but didn’t have the desire to set up the auctions himself, and that was why he wanted an employee. However, as Ralph was ready to talk about other duties his assistant would have, Howard told him he didn’t want to hear “the whole story” and instead had Robin start her news.

During Robin’s news, Shuli came into the studio to talk about how the Rev. Bob Levy threw up at one of their shows in Akron, OH after eating bleu cheese out of a woman’s backside...as he always does to close his comedy act. Shuli admitted the woman in question was so unattractive, noting that Bob had told her he wanted to “do blow out of the wrinkles in her face,” that Bob had just put his face down there when he immediately reared back threw up onstage. Bob went on to say his show was good that night until the bleu cheese incident.

Zack, Andrea’s soon-to-be-ex-husband, called in to say he still loved his wife despite her behavior. Zack acknowledged he was “crazy,” and accused Andrea of once being violent toward him after he refused to go with her to visit one of her friends. Zack went on to say he married Andrea after knowing her for such a short period of time because he wasn’t “afraid of her,” and advised her to “look in the mirror” when it came to her problems. Zack added he could’ve gotten Andrea “in a lot of trouble” had he revealed information about her in their court case, but decided against it to protect her. Zack then noted he wasn’t sure if Andrea really filed for divorce with him, acknowledging he thought what she said this morning was “a bluff.”

• The Rev. Ted Haggard now claims he’s no longer gay.

• R. Kelly had a trial postponed after he suffered appendicitis.

• Gary Glitter had his jail sentence in Vietnam reduced.

• Justin Timberlake wrote a dirty song for a “Saturday Night Live” sketch.

• A sex tape featuring Kim Kardashian will be released later this month.

• Charlize Theron is being sued by a watch manufacturer for breach of contract.

• A Brooklyn College professor was arrested for fondling some of his female students.

• The charges against astronaut Lisa Nowak were increased to attempted murder.

• Amazon.com and TiVo are teaming up to allow subscribers to download television shows right into their TVs.

• Anna Nicole Smith and TrimSpa are being sued for false advertising.

• Howard K. Stern has denied giving drugs to Anna’s son, Daniel, prior to his death.

• Wal-Mart is facing a class-action lawsuit from former female employees.

• Barack Obama has been trying to quit smoking.

• A warrant was issued for Daniel Baldwin after he failed to show up for a court appearance.

• Defense Secretary Gates is hopeful troops will be removed from Iraq later this year.

• The United States gave Baghdad $4 billion in cash in 2003.

• Joe Lieberman is calling for a terrorism tax.

• Illegal immigrants are finding creative ways to get into the United States from Mexico.

• “Lost” returns to ABC tonight.

• Will Smith said he has been mistaken by some people for Barack Obama.

• Frankie Laine died at the age of 93.