SOME SECRETS ARE OUT
The Howard Stern Show for January 16, 2006

Howard began the show announcing that the Rev. Bob Levy would be in the studio for the week. Howard then mentioned that Bob, who is divorced but still lives in the basement of his wife’s house, is actually dating his ex-wife again. However, Gary also mentioned that, even if that’s true, Bob was accompanied by another woman at Howard’s surprise birthday party on Friday night. Bob explained that the woman Gary saw him with at the party was actually a former girlfriend of his and that he is in fact “seeing” his ex-wife again. Bob went on to say that he broke up with the girl Gary saw after her father discovered an act he used to do on stage, a bit that involved him eating bleu cheese out of a woman’s most private of areas. Artie responded that he often does comedy shows with Bob, and that his bleu cheese bit was always a tough one to follow. Bob assured Artie, though, that he has retired the bleu cheese part of his act because of the reaction it got from people.

Gary commented that, in his opinion, the biggest reason Bob was back with his wife was because of their son. To illustrate his point, Gary noted that, when they did the show from Las Vegas two years ago, Bob had to leave early in order to attend of his son’s kindergarten graduation. Bob acknowledged that, although he is now getting along with his wife and will benefit financially if they get back together, his son is the main reason for rekindling the relationship with his ex-wife. Although Howard said he didn’t understand why Bob had to be with his wife to get to his son, Bob insisted that doing so is helping him. Robin went on to say that, in addition to his child, she believes Bob has an attachment to his basement as well, which is also preventing him from leaving his living situation.

Howard noted that he decided to go ahead with revealing the revelations today as was originally planned, adding that he decided to do a show on Martin Luther King Day because he didn’t want to take off so soon into his SIRIUS career. Artie then asked Howard if he would’ve adhered to the same standard had they started the week before Thanksgiving, which Howard admitted he wouldn’t have. However, Howard did say that he wouldn’t have missed a show had they started before Rosh Hashanah, as they did last year when they were at.

When Artie pointed out that Martin Luther King Day is a national holiday, and that his driver, who is African American, was surprised to find out that there was a show this morning; Howard admitted that he understood what he was saying. Howard then mentioned that, had Gary been on top of things, he wouldn’t have planned the revelation show on a day when most people don’t have to go to work. Gary responded that the scheduling of the revelations was his fault, and he used the f-word when doing so. After Gary’s curse, Howard pointed out that he doesn’t like it when Gary swears, and proceeded to add his name to Sal’s as the only people from the show who aren’t allowed to use such language on the air. Howard then played a clip of Gary the Retard, Wendy the Retard and Daniel Carver talking about Martin Luther King Day.

Howard brought up that Beth spent the weekend in Pittsburgh visiting her parents and brothers, all of whom are diehard Steelers fans. Howard went on to say that Beth called him yesterday to find out if he was watching the Steelers’ playoff game against the Indianapolis Colts, and that he told her he wasn’t. Howard then admitted that, instead of watching football, he was watching his copy of last week’s “Dancing with the Stars.” Howard added that he ended up tuning into yesterday’s other playoff game between the Carolina Panthers and Chicago Bears to redeem himself, but lost some credibility when he said that, following the game, he thought the Steelers and Panthers were set to play in the Super Bowl.

Howard mentioned that he pleasures himself frequently during Beth’s absences, and added that this weekend was no different. Howard then explained that, since he didn’t want to spend close to $11 to order a porn movie off pay-per-view, he instead watched one from his own collection. Howard said that the movie he watched, “No Man’s Land,” was a lesbian film, and that the theme got boring after a while. However, Howard added that he masturbated to it three times on Saturday alone, despite the fact that he wasn’t enjoying it very much.

Artie recalled one watching an adult film with a football game on the picture-in-picture option on his television. Howard mentioned that he has the habit of smelling the tissues he uses for pleasuring himself once he finishes the deed. Howard also said that, as he left for work this morning, he had to run back into his apartment to throw out “No Man’s Land” so Beth wouldn’t see it when she returned this afternoon from her trip.

Richard came into the studio and assured Howard that he wasn’t alone when it came to smelling his dirty tissues, because he does it as well. In addition, Richard said he sometimes goes days without showering and that, when he masturbates during these times, it begins to have an awful odor.

Howard played a clip of last week’s announcer, George Takei, reading some promos for the show. At one point during the clip, George had to clear his throat, which he said was necessary because of the dry-oatmeal breakfast he had consumed moments before. Artie then pointed out that he noticed a big difference between his morning diet, which included Peanut M&Ms and Hawaiian Punch, and George’s, which consisted of dry oatmeal, yogurt and fruit.

When George was asked to say “bukkake” in the clip, he refused to do so once he found out what it meant. However, when George was told that he had already been recorded repeating the word when he asked its meaning, he laughed and called the producer of the recording session “a rascal.” George was next asked to say “Dirty Sanchez,” a term which neither George nor Howard knew meaning of. Artie proceeded to explain the term in graphic detail to Howard.

Lisa G. from The Howard 100 News came into the studio to report on what they were working on for this afternoon’s broadcast. Lisa told Howard that she wasn’t at the surprise party Robin threw for him on Friday night because she wasn’t invited, but that The News’ Steve Langford, Penny Crone and Shuli did attend the get-together. When Howard wondered if Lisa, who is The News’ entertainment reporter, felt slighted by not getting an invite to the party, Lisa claimed she wasn’t offended. Robin then added that the reporters from The News who did show up weren’t invited as guests, but were there merely to do stories on the occasion.

Howard had Chad R., Chad G. and Mike into the studio to play The Revelation Game. Howard noted that the three participants had made their own lists that matched up each revelation with a revealer and that the person who got the most correct would receive $10,000. The following is a recap of the revelations, as well as to whom Chad R., Chad G. and Mike attributed each one:

• Someone cheated on his wife, and she caught him. All three of the contestants picked Scott the Engineer.
• Someone once hid in a bathroom closet and pleasured himself while watching his cousin and aunt. Chad G. and Mike selected Sal, while Chad R. went with JD.
• Someone got a girl pregnant in the last year and had to pay for her abortion. Each of the contestants picked Jason.
• Someone is addicted to porn and prefers masturbating at least twice a day over real sex. Chad R. and Mike thought it was Richard, while Chad G. believed it was Gary.
• Someone spent $10,000 on internet porn over the years. Mike said it was Benjy, Chad R. felt it was Sal and Chad G. went with Richard.
• Along with one of his friends, someone hired massage girls who stole their money without providing any of their services, leaving the pair together in their underwear. Chad G. and Chad R. thought it was Artie, and Mike picked Gary.
• Someone pleasured him or herself using meat and vegetables. Mike went with JD, while both Chad G. and Chad R. picked Robin.
• Someone has a half-sister who he or she never wants to meet. Chad G. and Chad R. thought it was Fred, while Mike picked Robin.
• Someone has had cosmetic surgery. All three contestants thought it was Howard.
• Someone once had a guy ejaculate on their chest. Chad G. and Chad R. said it was Benjy, while Mike figured it was Gary.
• After waking up from having his or her stomach pumped for alcohol poisoning, someone was having his or her genitals fondled by an acquaintance of the same sex. Chad R. picked Artie, Chad G. said JD and Mike went with Fred.

When he read the revelation about cheating, Scott the Engineer admitted it was him. Scott explained that the event occurred 12 years ago while he was on a road trip, and that the girl he had sex with was 20 while he was 40. Scott went on to say that he started talking to the girl because she kept calling the 800 number he used for his disc jockey business. Scott added that it was also at a time that he was having marital problems and had moved out of his house.

Scott noted that although the affair was a one-time thing, his wife found out about it after he moved back in with her because the girl, who was angry Scott hadn’t continued their affair, sent her an audio tape of one of their conservations. Scott added that the tape didn’t contain any sexually explicit talk, but that it did make it clear he had been with another woman. Howard responded that Scott didn’t handle the situation properly, noting that he should’ve broken the news to the girl saying he was still in love with his wife, and not because he just wanted to dump her.

Scott said that when he told his wife he was going to reveal this secret for the game, she replied that it was fine with her. Scott went on to note that he loves his wife a great deal, and that she has forgiven him for his behavior. Scott also reported that he and his wife immediately informed their son what happened, although he assured everyone that he didn’t get into the specifics with him. After hearing his story, Howard commented that Scott stepped up for The Revelation Game in a big way.

When the next secret – which was that someone pleasured him or herself while hiding in a closet watching relatives use the toilet – was brought up, Sal acknowledged it was him. Sal recalled that he was about 15 when the event happened, and that he hid in a linen closet located directly across from the toilet to do it. Sal then mentioned that the first person he saw use the bathroom was his 17-year-old cousin, but that he didn’t actually masturbate until his aunt, who he said looked like Rosemary Clooney later on in her life, defecated. Sal added that he didn’t want to get into the specifics as to which of his cousins and aunts he watched, because he was afraid his family wouldn’t be happy with him. Howard and Robin both commented that, like Scott’s, Sal’s revelation was a good one as well.

Although Benjy was the only one to pick him for the pregnancy and abortion revelation, Richard said the secret belonged to him. Richard reported that he has been physical with more women since his makeover than he’s let on, and that, although he was wearing protection with the girl in question, the condom broke and she got pregnant. Richard went on to explain that, due to the girth of his penis, he’s broken condoms in the past, and that he now uses Magnums in order to prevent future problems. Richard also said that he let the girl decide whether or not she wanted to go through with the pregnancy, adding that he would’ve supported her regardless of her decision.

Will told Howard that he once witnessed Richard receiving oral sex from a woman while they were at his apartment, and therefore attested to the size of his member. Artie then pointed out that Richard’s real revelation was that he has turned into Wilt Chamberlain since being made over.

Before he got to more revelations, Howard said that he thought he was going to dinner on Friday night with his parents, Beth and two of their friends, but was shocked to find out that Robin had organized a surprise party for him with 200 guests. Because he wasn’t going to get to discuss the party during today’s show, Howard announced that he didn’t want his news team to use the audio clips for today’s broadcast that were recorded that night. However, Gary pointed out that Howard’s request may fall on deaf ears, explaining that he’s having similar difficulties trying to get access to Beetlejuice’s recent 911 call before The News gets it.

Howard then brought up that some celebrities who said that they’d attend his party didn’t show up, and that a number of the Fist key chains Ralph designed and were given away as party favors, were stolen. Howard went on to note that he’d talk about the party more tomorrow, and closed out the topic by playing Artie’s hilarious speech from the night.

The secret about masturbating twice a day and enjoying the practice more than real sex was Jason’s revelation. Jason explained that, since his girlfriend lives in Central New Jersey, he can only see her on the weekends. However, Jason went on to mention that, because he pleasures himself so regularly during the week, he rarely has interest in being physical with his girlfriend when they are together.

Howard responded that he thought Jason’s secret meant that he was actually no longer attracted to his girlfriend, but that he didn’t want to dump her out of fear that he wouldn’t be able to find another woman. Howard then pointed out that his theory would’ve made for a much better revelation than the one Jason actually offered. After everyone echoed Howard’s feeling on the topic, Jason said that he talked to his girlfriend about his problem over the weekend, and that, although she admitted she noticed he hadn’t been eager to have sex with her as of late, the two are currently planning on moving in together.

When JD announced that he was the one who’s spent $10,000 on internet porn, Howard wanted to know how he got that kind of money. JD responded that the $10,000 figure was a running tally that started eight years ago when he turned 18. Gary then explained that JD doesn’t spend his money on regular porn sites, but instead visits sites where he gets to command webcam girls to do what he wants. JD admitted that was the case, and went on to say that, while the webcam girl is performing, he has the option of either typing his demands to her or telling them to her on the telephone.

JD mentioned that the screen name he uses on his favorite webcam site is “Daba,” and its an acronym for “Da Bad Ass.” Howard commented that the name couldn’t have been less suiting for JD, who said he picked up the moniker in high school when other kids used it to make fun of him. Although he claimed the nickname was a joke, Robin agreed with Howard, pointing out that, to her, it didn’t paint an accurate picture of JD. After announcing that JD is to be called “Daba” from now on, Howard added that he felt intimidated by him because of his new name.

Although he didn’t want to talk about it, Howard was able to break down JD and find out that his favorite webcam girl is named “Kissyfur.” Howard went on to comment that he was going to have Gary try to get in touch with “Kissyfur” today, and that, if he does, he wants JD to have a conversation with her on the air tomorrow, a request that JD immediately refused. In addition, Howard was also able to learn that JD once pleasured himself to a webcam girl who was having her peanut butter-covered private parts licked by her dog.

As JD lingered in the studio, Howard pointed out that he knew he was doing so in order to avoid having to talk to The Howard 100 News about his revelation. Since JD was still there, Howard proceeded to ask him more details about his webcam girl fascination. JD then revealed that he sometimes gets completely naked while having a show put on for him, that he has never been caught in the act by any of his roommates, and that he spends roughly $20, at the most, for each session.

Howard admitted that, although he wasn’t thrilled with JD’s revelation when he first heard it, it turned out to be a really good one. Howard went on to say that JD became an official member of “the crew” for sharing the details that he did. Ralph put it best when he called in and said that JD’s revelation went from a 2 to a 7 when he revealed the details that went with his revelation.