WELCOME TO 2007
The Howard Stern Show for January 2, 2007

Howard started his first show of the new year saying he couldn’t believe it was 2007, explaining “it felt like it was just 2006.” After welcoming everyone in the studio back from vacation, Howard mentioned he called Mutt last week to thank him for his Christmas gift, which was of the Mad magazine cover Howard was on – just like Sal had given to him last month and was attempted to be shredded – except Mutt’s was blown up. Howard then noted Mutt said he was convinced there were major plans for the show’s one-year anniversary on SIRIUS a week from today, but he assured him there was nothing in the works. In fact, Howard added that Scott Greenstein and Tim Sabean both suggested they have a concert to celebrate, and that they recommended they try to get the Rolling Stones for the event. Upon hearing that, Artie responded he thought Scott and Tim would be lucky to get Tommy James and the Shondells instead.

Gary then came into the studio and announced he might be able to book John Mellencamp for next week, which Howard and Artie acknowledged they’d be interested in. However, when Gary went on to say he might be able to book Def Leopard as well, Artie asked him if next Tuesday’s date was “1-9-83.”

A caller said he enjoyed Howard’s appearance on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” before Christmas, and Howard replied the technology that made it look like he was actually in Los Angeles with Jimmy – when he was, in fact, in New York – amazed him. Howard then pointed out he also appeared on “Late Show with David Letterman” and “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” that week as well, adding he did so to help promote SIRIUS. Howard added he had fun doing “Late Night” in particular, mostly because Conan came backstage prior to the interview to talk to him – even if it was to jokingly point out that he hadn’t done the show in years because of how everyone made fun of him during his past appearances.

After talking about how he watched a video of Saddam Hussein’s execution on Saturday, Howard noted he was shocked to hear about the recent death of James Brown as well. Howard then pointed out that James was not only a great guest on the show, but was also important to him because he grew up in Roosevelt listening to his music. Howard proceeded to say he spent a week in Mexico during the vacation, where he said he ran into Natalie Maines from the Dixie Chicks and her husband, Adrian Pasdar, one of the stars of “Heroes.” Howard added he and Adrian discussed chess during their conversation, which led Artie to say he got a chess book recently, and hoped to be ready to play Howard by August.

Howard mentioned he received an e-mail last night from Fred, who reported he wouldn’t be able to attend Bubba the Love Sponge’s wedding in Florida next weekend because his wife couldn’t go. Artie then pointed out he wouldn’t be able to fly on the chartered plane to Florida with Howard – which was his Christmas gift to some of the people from the show – to the wedding either because he was going to be on “Late Night” that day, but that he’d still be attending the ceremony. Once Robin noted how disappointed she was that Fred wouldn’t be going to the wedding, though, he replied he’d go after all, even if it meant leaving his wife in the city for the weekend.

Artie reported Jim Florentine’s girlfriend, Jade, died over the break, and that Jim was crushed because of it. Artie explained he wasn’t sure how Jade passed away, but that Jim found her in their apartment after getting back from a standup show in Las Vegas. Artie went on to say Jade was in her mid-20s, and that Jim was going through therapy in an attempt to save their relationship.

Artie mentioned he made a New Year’s resolution to stop drinking soda, which he noted included Hawaiian Punch. Artie added he knew he was addicted to soda – saying he drank at least seven sodas a day – so he doubted he’d be able to actually go through with his plan. Robin then commented she made a resolution to run the New York City Marathon in the fall, but Howard advised her not to do it because of the work involved in preparing for the event.

Howard said he wanted to get Crazy Alice, Big Foot and Elegant Elliott Offen on the line to announce this year’s winner of the football pool. Gary then came into the studio and noted Will was working on getting in touch with the contestants, so, while he was waiting, Howard played clips from Artie’s New Year’s Eve standup performance in Philadelphia. However, instead of the clips being of Artie’s comedy act, they were of him singing with a full band, and also included one of Dan the Song Parody Man introducing the singer for the song, “Robin’s Bung Hole.”

After Shuli, who played at the show as well, announced Dan stood on the stage during the “Bung Hole” performance and pointed out members of the audience in true rock star fashion, Dan called in to claim he needed to be onstage to run the sound effects for the song. Howard added that he had heard Dan did standup during the show as well, which Dan admitted was true, although he refused to repeat any of it on the air.

Howard proceeded to get Alice and Big Foot on the line, and told them there was a three-way tie among them and Elliott, with Artie being the only participant who didn’t win any of the $25,000 prize. Howard went on to explain all three of the winners had seven victories, and Alice reported she was happy, especially because she said she didn’t expect to win. Alice then claimed she was going to use the money to hire a hit man to “shoot the f*ck” out of Artie, while Big Foot promised he’d use his winnings more wisely than he did when he won $5,000 for becoming the newest member of the Wack Pack, where he said he spent it on “a Cadillac and some dumb broad.”

Artie, who was playing in the pool for a quadriplegic named Wheels, went on to mention he’d give Wheels some of his own money, adding he felt guilty for having earned only four wins all season.

Howard brought up that Will Murray got engaged to his girlfriend, Tracy, over the vacation, and he came into the studio to talk about it. Will mentioned he proposed to Tracy while they were in the Dominican Republic, and that he was “very gay” because he got down on one knee to pop the question. Will did note that he got “a good deal” on the ring he gave Tracy, while Gary pointed out the general rule is that men spend two months’ salary for engagement rings. Given this, Gary estimated Howard spend at least $1 million if he ever proposed to Beth, which led Howard to respond that he was “never getting married.”

Will next said he took Tracy to a secluded beach to ask her to marry him, and that he called her father to ask his permission first. Richard then came into the studio and commented he used to live with Will, and that he’d “wack it” whenever he heard Will and Tracy having sex.

As the discussion continued, Howard said he wanted to give Will a more important job on the show than answering phones so he could impress Tracy, which led Will to guess he asked callers “What do you want to talk about with Howard?” about 300 times a day. Will then acknowledged marriage was more important to Tracy than it was to him, but he was still excited about tying the knot with her.

Following a number of clips – including one of Brett Favre breaking down after what was most likely his final game this past weekend and some of newscasters mispronouncing words on the air – Howard got to a voicemail Richard’s dad had left him, admitting that he’d eaten road kill in the past. Richard’s dad went on to explain he had no problems consuming animals that got “run over” as long as they “looked clean,” but that he wouldn’t eat animals like chickens in his yard that “just dropped dead” out of fear of contracting “the bird flu.”

Eric the Midget called in to say he’d be announcing for the Killers of Comedy show set to take place Friday in California. Eric noted he planned on referring to himself as “Eric the Actor” while on stage, and insisted he wouldn’t sing “Fly Me with Balloons” during his job. However, because Eric wasn’t talking and had his radio turned on to boot, Howard said he had to end the conversation before pointing out he was sure Friday’s show would be “great” with Eric at the helm.

Howard played segments from Dick Clark’s performance on New Year’s Eve, as well as Ryan Seacrest’s introduction of him. Although Dick had trouble speaking in the clips because of his stroke, Artie noted he felt Dick’s ego was the only thing that kept him on the air, while Robin thought being on television on New Year’s Eve was important to Dick because it was his one night to get out of the house and not focus on his condition.

Howard read a number of e-mails, ranging from topics from George Takei’s week as announcer in December to Martha Stewart’s appearance on the show. When Howard read a message about a song by the Primitive Radio Gods, he acknowledged there were certain songs that almost made him cry, including “My Hero” by the Foo Fighters. Howard explained he related the song to his father, Ben, which led Artie to say the song “Night Moves” by Bob Seeger made him think of his father as well. However, as “My Hero” was playing, Howard told Artie he wasn’t interrupting it for a Bob Seeger song.

Howard then took a call from a listener who wanted to know why Howard considered his father as his hero, and he replied he’d always “worshipped” Ben. Robin went on to say it was common for children to consider their parents to be godlike, and that, when they find out their parents aren’t perfect, their feelings about them as parents sometimes change.

Howard brought up that he received a box of Elexa Condoms as a Christmas gift from Brian Phelan, and that he and Beth both enjoyed them more than the old brands they used to use. When Robin responded that she was surprised Howard would use condoms someone else gave him, he told her he was pretty sure Brian wouldn’t tamper with his condoms.

Gary the Retard called in to ask Howard if he could be on the show for his birthday on February 28. When Howard pointed out Gary knew all about Leap Year despite his mental state, Artie began making fun of him. Gary then tried to insult Artie by saying he was going to buy “Beer League” today “just to see what it was like,” and Artie noted that meant he really was “retarded.”

Howard went on to show off some of the Christmas cards he received, including ones from Wendy the Retard, Rip Taylor, Tony Bennett, Hef, David E. Kelly, Kevin Smith, Jimmy Kimmel, the Osbournes, Sarah Silverman and Jillian Grace. This led Gary to reveal Jillian was recently kicked out of the Playboy Mansion because of all the information she gave about Hugh Hefner the last time she was on the program, and that he wasn’t sure where she was living now. After Howard acknowledged he thought Kevin was upset with him, Gary explained Kevin was, in fact, angry at Howard for the way he criticized his movies years ago.

Howard also talked about another card he received from a friend who donated to a cancer society, and added he hated getting those kinds of cards. Howard went on to say he had a different friend who sent out such cards every year, but that he wasn’t sure the man actually donated money as his cards claimed he did.

Artie mentioned he received notification from Jack Daniels that he was named an official squire of the company. Artie then said the distinction was given to him because of the amount of publicity he gave the product throughout the years, and that he was disappointed when he found out he couldn’t sell the square inch of land on the company’s property he was given as part of the honor.

When Steve Langford came into the studio for his news report, Howard commented that he had heard from one of Steve’s ex-girlfriends, that, according to her, he has a big penis. However, as Howard tried to pry more information out of Steve on the topic, he claimed he didn’t know how large he was. Artie then noted he felt Steve’s reply meant he was big, and Howard said he was thinking about asking the woman to be on the show, but that he also wanted to keep the Howard 100 News team’s credibility.

Sal proceeded to come into the studio with a ruler, offering to measure Steve in the bathroom, but Steve refused.

Artie asked Howard how long he saw himself doing the show in the future, and he admitted he had thought about what his life would be like after his contract with SIRIUS ended in four years. However, when Howard said his plans included eating breakfast, reading the newspaper, playing chess, drinking wine and eating dinner Robin informed him that she thought this sounded like a boring lifestyle. Howard added he wasn’t sure how often he’d see Robin, Fred and Gary after he retired, noting they didn’t get together that often even when they worked together.

• Judith Regan was fired for the controversy surrounding the O.J. Simpson interview that was supposed to air on Fox.

• Thousands attended James Brown’s funeral earlier this week.

• Michael Jackson spoke at James’ funeral.

• Videos of the Saddam Hussein hanging are surfacing on the internet.

• Gerald Ford’s funeral was held today.

• Denver Broncos cornerback, Darrent Williams, was shot to death on New Year’s Eve.

• Britney Spears denied she passed out from drinking on New Year’s Eve.

• Boise State defeated Oklahoma last night in the Fiesta Bowl.

• One of the stars of the game, Ian Johnson, proposed to his girlfriend following the contest.

• “Pirates of the Caribbean” was the highest-grossing movie of 2006.

• Courtney Cox is in a new show called “Dirt.”

• Oprah Winfrey opened a school for girls in South Africa.

• “Night at the Museum” remained number one at the box office.

• The Donald Trump-Rosie O’Donnell controversy continues.