BURYING THE HATCHET
The Howard Stern Show for January 23, 2006

Howard began the show noting that, when he signed on with SIRIUS, he thought he’d be able to keep a low profile. However, Howard added that hasn’t been the case and announced that he’s on the front page of today’s New York Post. Howard explained that The Post story, which claims that SIRIUS is set to place restrictions on the show, was way off and that the publicity will only lead to more subscribers for SIRIUS. Howard went on to say that he’s known all along that some boundaries exist even on satellite, but that no additional restrictions will be taking place. Howard then reported that television stations have already picked up the article and proceeded to play some clips that aired by 6 a.m. this morning. After the clips, Howard again mentioned that he thought he’d disappear when he left regular radio, but that, thanks to stories like today’s article in The Post, people will wonder more than ever what he’s doing at his new home – and he thanked the press for that.

After hearing about the article, Artie mentioned that he recently watched “Lenny,” a bio-pic about Lenny Bruce and recalled the scene in which Lenny was thrown in jail simply for cursing during his act. Artie then added that, decades later, some people still want to silence entertainers. Howard agreed with Artie, and pointed out that people who are threatened by him are the ones who have never taken any chances with their own careers.

Howard said that even if the government wants to regulate satellite radio, doing so will be a long process, noting that the Constitution will need to be changed in order for it to happen. Howard also mentioned that companies like Clear Channel know that they can’t compete with what satellite radio offers, so, instead of making their own products better, they’ve decided to go after him. Artie then noted that Don Kaplan, the reporter who wrote today’s New York Post article, is actually a big fan of the show and speculated that Don was probably pressured into writing the piece. Howard responded that his ultimate goal is to get people to subscribe to SIRIUS and that the article, regardless of the reason it was written, will help do that.

When a caller insisted that there isn’t a government conspiracy against the show, Howard explained that, although that may be true, the government never talked about regulating satellite before he joined the medium. Howard added that since lots of people are now subscribing to SIRIUS, companies like Clear Channel are panicking and that’s the reason for the sudden push for censorship. However, Howard pointed out that, since satellite is a pay service and listeners can physically block out any channel they want, it doesn’t fall into the FCC’s jurisdiction of control.

Howard also noted that Clear Channel is not just competing against satellite in terms of trying to attract listeners, but that satellite is their major adversary simply because it has the word “radio” in its title. Howard then said that the more people read and see him in the media, the more likely they will be to subscribe to SIRIUS.

Another caller compared Howard's plight to the situation that the creators of Google.com are currently facing. Howard replied that the government’s attempt to get access to Google searches is setting a dangerous precedent, adding that the only way people can battle with the government is by not electing politicians who support the religious right. Howard then noted that there was nothing wrong with being religious, but that people’s beliefs shouldn’t interfere with citizens’ rights. Howard proceeded to bring up that even Canada has turned against him, explaining that the country’s government won’t allow SIRIUS Canada to carry his show.

After talking about how some Canadians have been subscribing to SIRIUS using fake American addresses in order to get access to the show, Howard pointed out that SIRIUS is in no way behind the push for stricter regulations on the show, and that the government is the entity to blame.

Howard mentioned that he got caught up in the football games yesterday, and that, because Beth is from Pittsburgh, he was glad the Steelers won their game. Howard added, though, that he also wanted the Carolina Panthers to win, and was disappointed that they didn’t. After Howard admitted that he didn’t know why he cared if the Panthers won or not, Artie said he knew why he cared who won the games: he put $1,000 on the Denver Broncos and $2,000 on the Seattle Seahawks. Although Artie went on to say that he thinks the Seahawks will win the Super Bowl, he reminded Steelers fans that he’s wrong with his picks 80 percent of the time.

Since they were talking about sports, Howard mentioned that Kobe Bryant’s 81-point performance against the Toronto Raptors last night was also a big story. Artie commented that, after the scoring outburst, it was clear to him that Kobe is no longer cheating on his wife and was instead concentrating on basketball. This led Howard to wonder if Kobe is the best basketball player of all time, but Artie said that title still belongs to Michael Jordan. Artie then explained that, if he had wanted to do so, Michael could’ve scored as many points as he wanted in a game, but instead focused on making his teammates better.

Howard announced that, although he didn’t like the idea of having to do it, last Friday he started rerecording some of his old radio bits that Infinity wouldn’t let him bring with him to SIRIUS. After playing “Every Homo 2006,” Howard said it was great to hear it uncensored, while Robin added that she liked the new version because the lyrics were updated. Howard then played “I Went the Gay Way 2006.” When it was over, Howard recalled that he had difficulties reaching some of the song’s high notes and asked Scott the Engineer if he had the outtakes from the recording sessions. However, Scott replied that he did not, blaming the lapse on someone else.

Artie brought up that he and Richard went to the Rolling Stones concert at Madison Square Garden Friday night and capped their evening meeting up with Bubba the Love Sponge and his crew at Scores afterward. Artie said that he heard the Stones had an opening act, so he and Richard didn’t get to their seats until 9:30 p.m. While they waited to sit, Artie reported that he ate a foot-long hotdog and a bag of peanut M&Ms and drank two giant Cokes that were so big he had to “carry them like they were babies.”

After hearing about Artie’s feeding frenzy, Howard commented that lately, due to his schedule, he hasn’t been able to exercise as much as he’d like, and that he’s gained weight because of it. This led Richard to mention that he was proud of himself, because he went to the gym everyday last week. Howard then joked that Richard’s discipline was really paying off given his physical appearance.

Artie recalled that, before the concert, he was a guest on Bubba’s show and that he enjoyed his visit. When Robin noted that she wanted to visit Bubba’s show but was hesitant to do so because of the way his New York studio was set up, Artie recommended that she call in instead. Howard added that Bubba left New York this weekend and that he will begin broadcasting from Florida starting today. Howard went on to say that he hopes Bubba will return to Manhattan at least once a month in so he can broadcast from the SIRIUS building.

Artie brought up that Richard made the mistake of telling the people sitting next to them at the Stones’ concert that they were going to after the show. Artie then said that the couple, a young attractive female and a older man, showed up at the club after later that night and that the man wouldn’t leave him alone while he was getting lap dances. In fact, Artie said that the man got to be so annoying that he had to move to a secluded area of the club in order to enjoy himself.

When Howard asked how late he stayed out, Artie said he left Scores around 2:30 a.m., and then proceeded to sleep until 4 p.m. on Saturday. Howard then commented that, even when he stays up late, he still wakes up at 6 a.m. the next day. Artie admitted that he doesn’t look very attractive when he sleeps all day, and added that the photograph for the cover of his next DVD should be taken as soon as he rolls out of bed at 4 p.m.

Ronnie the Limo Driver came into the studio to say that he thought Artie had left Scores on Friday night and didn’t know he was just in a secluded area of the club until later. Ronnie went on to say that Richard did in fact break a major rule by asking the people sitting next to him at the concert to go with them to Scores, and that, had he known about it, he would’ve had one of the club’s managers move the couple to a different area of the club. Ronnie then advised Artie and Richard that, in the future, they should ask only women to go with them to Scores.

While Lisa G. of The Howard 100 News reported what would be broadcast on today’s show, she also pointed out that Howard is on the cover of this week’s “Barron’s.” Lisa explained that the Barron’s article contends that XM Radio is the better satellite company in which to invest because of its deal with car companies. Howard responded that not only does SIRIUS have a piece of equipment that allows people to easily convert an XM car system to a SIRIUS system, but also that XM seems to be playing catch up, noting that the company has been buying commercials on VH1’s airings of “Private Parts” as a way to steal some of the attention he has been receiving. Howard added that critics have constantly tried to bring him down, but that he always ends up overcoming his obstacles.

Howard announced that tomorrow will be the second, and last, episode of “Meet the Sterns” with Ray and Ben. Howard explained that his mother has hinted that neither she nor Ben likes to break from their routine and that they therefore don’t really like the idea of doing their own show. However, Howard noted that Ray insisted to him that she and Ben would continue to do the broadcasts if Howard really wanted them to. Given their feelings on the matter, Howard commented that he decided tomorrow will be the finale of “Meet the Sterns.”

Howard played a tape of Gary Garver interviewing celebrities at the recent Bob Hope Classic. After Craig T. Nelson refused to talk to him at all, Gary asked Justin Timberlake what he misses the most about Bob Hope. When Justin replied that Bob “had this timing that was, like, everything he said was funny,” Artie pointed out that he’d like for Justin to name one Bob Hope movie he’s ever seen.

Mark Wahlberg was the next person Gary interviewed. Among the things Gary learned about Mark were that he hasn’t seen “Brokeback Mountain,” that he now listens only to gospel music and that he doesn’t support Pres. Bush. When Gary asked his final subject and SIRIUS radio subscriber, Matthew McConaughey, if he plans on listening to Howard, he responded, “I’ll probably tune in and get a few chuckles.”

When Howard had Dan the Song Parody Man come into the studio to discuss the birthday gift he gave to Howard – which, for the third straight year, was a knife – Sal reported that he has difficulty getting Dan to leave the offices and was wondering if Howard could help remedy the situation. Richard then corroborated Sal’s complaint, while Gary added that Dan sometimes lingers so long in his office that he has to turn his back while Dan tells stories because he doesn’t have the time to listen to them face-to-face. Dan replied that he didn’t think he was bothering anyone with the exception of Scott the Engineer, who Dan claimed tells him he won’t be able to get to his songs until months after he hands them in.

Howard then mentioned that he heard Dan was homeless and that he’s living with friends because he has no place of his own. However, Dan responded that rumor wasn’t true, although he is staying at a friend’s apartment in the city while his friend is away.

Alexis Stewart, Martha Stewart’s daughter, who has been rumored to have made derogatory statements about Howard and his show, came into the studio to clear the air. Alexis told Howard that he had the wrong opinion of her and that she has no problems with him whatsoever. To illustrate her point, Alexis said she didn’t speak to Howard when she saw him at a restaurant recently because he was with his daughters and she didn’t want to interrupt them, adding that only famous people are allowed such privileges. Alexis also noted that she’s always been shy, which leads people to believe the worst about her personality.

Alexis did mention, however, that she does have issues with Bubba the Love Sponge after learning that a pig had been slaughtered on his old radio show. Alexis went on to explain that she knows that the slaughtering of animals is a fact of life, but that, from what she heard, she didn’t appreciate the way she thought Bubba and his crew allegedly reveled in the torture the pig endured - despite the fact that the pig in question was actually slaughtered in the same way most pigs are.

After Alexis revealed that she’s 40 years old, a fact that shocked both Howard and Robin who thought she was closer to 30, she said that she hasn’t had any contact with her father for the past 20 years. Alexis added that she’s not against divorce in general, but that her father acted like “a real creep” when he split with Martha and that she hasn’t been able to forgive him for it. Although Alexis admitted that she would’ve like to have had a father figure in her life, she also pointed out that she’s gotten over the problems she had with her own dad. When Robin reported that she had heard Alexis doesn’t get along with her mother either, Alexis responded that they have a fine relationship, despite the fact that they both have “strong personalities.”

Alexis acknowledged that her mother has given her enough money to live comfortably without working, but that she enjoys having a job too much to live that kind of life. When Alexis reported that she’s currently seeing a man, Gary asked her if she’d ever been married. Alexis replied that, close to a decade ago, she married a man whom she’d known for six months and that they’re still friends to this day.

Howard brought up that he used the word “cunty” on of his first SIRIUS run-through shows to describe Alexis’ attitude, but that he didn’t mean it as negatively as most people took it. Alexis assured Howard that she understood what he was saying with the description, before admitting that she’s been called the name in the past and has even used it herself. In fact, Alexis said that she nearly got in a car accident once because she was laughing so hard after one of her friends mentioned that she was “cunty.”

Although Howard noted that Alexis looked very sexual to him, she responded that she could go years without having sex if she had to do so. Howard then read a report that claimed Alexis and a cameraman from her mother’s version of “The Apprentice” had hooked up, which Alexis admitted was true. Alexis explained that she was the one who approached the cameraman and that he didn’t show much interest when she first began talking to him. However, Alexis mentioned that, before she left the set that day, the cameraman asked “for a ride home.” Howard then commented that he heard Alexis once had a lesbian experience, but she denied the story. Alexis went on to acknowledge that, although she did kiss one of her lesbian friends, the moniker of “lesbian experience” was exaggerated.

Although Howard wanted to delve deeper into Alexis’ sex life, she refused to give many details, largely because she knew her mother was listening to the interview. When Artie advised Martha to “go set a table for a few minutes” so they could talk about more intimate subjects with her daughter, Howard asked Alexis if she’s into cooking and decorating the way her mother is. Alexis responded that she enjoys cooking and added that not only did she bring in a batch of Rice Krispies treats for Howard’s staff, but that all the ingredients, including the marshmallows, were made from scratch. Gary then reported that the chocolate in the Rice Krispies treats was the best he had ever tasted. [Follow up note: during the Wrap Up Show, Gary reported that Artie discovered the treats following the show and managed to eat most of them himself.]

Alexis told Howard that she had to leave because she needed to make an important telephone call. After a little prying, Alexis reported that she needed to call her lawyer, because she’s making legal preparations for being artificially inseminated in the next three or four years. Howard then suggested that Alexis find a surrogate mother for her child so she wouldn’t lose her figure, but Alexis insisted she had made her decision. Alexis added that, although the system is set up so people who donate sperm don't have any legal rights to their future children and/or with the future mothers of their children, she wanted to speak to her lawyer just to make sure there'll be no problems.

Richard informed Alexis that he thinks she’s very attractive and proceeded to ask her if she cared if men pleasured themselves to her. After Alexis replied that she didn’t mind because she wouldn’t know they were doing it, Richard attempted, unsuccessfully, to score a date with her. Before he left the studio, Richard told Alexis that he wanted to show her “what she was missing,” but Howard immediately stopped him and kicked him out of the studio.

Brent Hatley, the executive producer of Bubba the Love Sponge’s show, called in to confront Alexis on her feelings about their show. Brent claimed that Alexis made some mean-spirited comments about him while they rode in an elevator together, and that the only reason she has a radio show is because of her mother. Brent went on to say that he didn’t think it was fair that, while many people who worked really hard to earn careers in broadcasting don’t have the jobs they want, Alexis was handed her position because of who she is.

When Howard informed Brent that his words weren’t affecting Alexis, he then pointed out to her that the pig that was killed on their show was killed in accordance with Florida state law and it died in the same way as most other animals slaughtered in this country. Therefore, he didn’t understand why she was singling them out. Alexis once again mentioned that, although she’s a vegetarian, she doesn’t really have a problem that animals are killed, but that she didn’t like the glee she had heard the slaughtering brought to Bubba and the other people on his program. Brent replied that Alexis had gotten her facts wrong because nobody on the show was gleeful that the pig had been slaughtered and noted that he and Bubba were acquitted of any charges stemming from this incident by a jury of their peers who obviously realized this after studying the actual facts of the incident.

Mariann from Brooklyn called in and accused Alexis of not having “an inch of kindness in her.” After then pointing out that Alexis was “worse than Rachel Hunter” and that she “hasn’t worked for anything in her life,” Mariann insisted she wasn’t jealous of her. Zolar also called in and had the opposite opinion of Alexis. In fact, Zolar pointed out that, after hearing her appearance this morning, he planned on tuning into Alexis’ SIRIUS show, “Whatever,” this afternoon on Channel 112.

Before Robin got to the news, Howard played a clip of Scott the Engineer having a meltdown in the hall over Dan the Song Parody Man’s comment that he wouldn’t be able to get to his tapes for months after Dan delivered them. Howard explained that Scott took the remark as a jab at his work ethic and let Dan have it. In the clip, Scott insisted that, from now on, Dan work only with Gary when he has tapes to submit and that he didn’t appreciate what Dan had said on the air. Following the clip, Howard noted that Scott didn’t know the cameras were on him during his meltdown.