THE REVOLUTION BEGINS
The Howard Stern Show for January 9, 2006

At 6 a.m., the revolution began. The Howard Stern Show’s first broadcast on SIRIUS kicked off with an interesting musical start, followed by George Takei (“Star Trek’s” Sulu), who will be sitting in as the show’s announcer for the week, introducing everyone. After the introductions, Howard commented that people have been wishing him luck recently, a gesture which found odd, given that he’s been in radio for more than 25 years. Artie noted that he already knows his biggest problem with the new studio will be finding a deli nearby that opens so early in the morning. Howard went on to announce that he would be holding a press conference later in the program and that George would be responsible for calling on the reporters and moving them along with their questions. Howard added that, unlike Stuttering John’s prerecorded announcements on “The Tonight Show,” he was looking forward to having George speak live on the air.

Because of some minor issues with the microphones and because today’s debut show was commercial-free, Howard mentioned that he’d have to play a song while Scott the Engineer fixed things. Howard noted that since he had access to all the songs in the SIRIUS library, he was sure he could find any tune that people wanted to hear. Since George was the guest, Howard asked him if there was any song in particular that he wanted to have played. When George requested “Sentimental Journey,” Howard informed him that he was going to put him in the Robo Spanker for such a choice. Instead, Howard played “The Last DJ” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.

After the break, Howard reported that, according to information he had read, 3.3 million people have now subscribed to SIRIUS, and that there were more subscriber activations yesterday than there were on Christmas, a day which saw 180,000 activations. In fact, Howard said that so many subscribers called in to have their systems activated yesterday that the wait time approached eight hours. Howard then pointed out that, to him, these figures meant that his fans were being as loyal as ever to the show. Howard also noted that he thinks satellite is the future of radio, and that he’s proud to be a part of it.

Although Howard said that he has never questioned his decision to be on satellite, he did admit that he had mixed feelings about leaving behind his show on regular radio, especially because it took him 25 years to build it. Howard went on to say that the day following his farewell, he became angry with himself for not following the game plan he had laid out for his final broadcast. Howard explained that initially he wanted to listen to nothing but the speeches that were being given on the street during the last show, but instead decided to intersperse the speeches with in-studio discussions. Howard then mentioned that, because of this decision, he wasn’t able to hear several of the speeches given that morning. Given this, Howard noted that he was toying with the idea of replaying this morning some of the speeches that were given on December 16, but was advised by people at Viacom not to do so.

As Howard was talking about the number of subscribers SIRIUS now has, he noted that those who are listening for the first time this morning will find that the service is “f-ing great.” Right after he let out his maiden cuss, Howard said that it had slipped out, and that he has implemented a rule that people on the show should try to avoid using foul language the best they can. Howard went on to say, though, that there will be some leeway given to words and phrases that may not be cusses. To illustrate his point, Howard commented that he called someone “cunty” the other day, but that he didn’t think the term was swearing. Howard also explained that the reason he started the “no swearing” rule was because of the amount of vulgar language that Sal used on the air during one of their test shows last week. Howard then noted that he has special restrictions for Sal the Stockbroker – if Sal swears during the show, Richard will be allowed to “teabag” him.

The first call Howard took on SIRIUS was from a guy named Eddie, who said that hearing the show uncensored was making his day. Howard agreed, noting that he had felt dead on regular radio for quite a while because of the number of commercials he had to play every hour, as well as the censorship he faced. To showcase his new-found freedom, Howard proceeded to play a song parody using non-bleeped clips of Pat O’Brien’s infamous sex call. Following the song, George informed Howard that he hadn’t heard anything about Pat’s tape, and was then brought up to speed on its origins. After hearing about the call, George said that it was a good move for Pat, because it “humanized” him.

While they were on the topic of Pat’s telephone call, Howard wondered if the recently outed George had ever been with a woman. George replied that he had, but that his first sexual experience occurred with a man he had at scout camp. As George was recalling the tale, Howard pointed out that Artie was so uncomfortable listening to the details that he couldn’t even look at George. After Artie insisted that he wasn’t homophobic, Howard asked George who the best-looking guy in the studio was. Gary then reported that, right when Howard asked the question, George’s eyes went straight to Will. Howard went on to add that it might’ve been a mistake on his part to have George as the announcer, because he could spend the duration of his show talking to him about his personal life.

Howard brought up that the show’s new phone number, 1-888-9ASSHOLE, was perfect, seeing as it represented the different standard to which he was held when compared to other disc jockeys on regular radio. Howard explained that, while other on-air personalities often used the word without facing any repercussions, he got in trouble whenever the word was used on his program. Howard said that this was the reason they picked the this particular phone number.

After catching the end of an NBC report about the show’s first broadcast on satellite, Howard said that he listened to David Lee Roth’s first program on January 3, and that he had to talk himself out of calling in the next day to offer his critique. Howard then told Gary to get David on the phone so they could have a discussion on the air. While Gary began the process of getting in touch with David, Howard commented that he had a number of pointers for the new radio host. For starters, Howard noted that David took no negative calls, which was the opposite of the “free” discussions he allegedly wanted to have on his program. Next, Howard reported that David made a comment during his first broadcast as to how easy it was, which he said was another criticism he had. Howard explained that in order to be successful on radio, David would have to not be as safe as he was, and that the “easiness” he was experiencing wasn’t a good thing.

Gary informed Howard that David was passing on his request to speak to him on the air. However, Gary added that he didn’t think Howard’s invitation even got to David, and that the show’s producers were the ones who actually made the choice. Howard noted that he wouldn’t have caused any problems had the two spoken and that all he wanted to do was make some observations to help David out.

Howard then took a call from Capt. Janks, who reported that Tom Chiusano got in touch with him last week to find out if he was pranking David’s program. Janks added that he also received a call just moments ago from one of the show’s producers asking him if he had pretended to be Gary. Given this, Janks pointed out that the reason David’s people refused Gary’s request may have been because they didn’t even think it was him.

When a listener called in to congratulate Howard for his debut show, he replied that a “congratulations” was also in order because, as had been rumored by various news outlets during his vacation, he and Beth had indeed gotten married.

When Howard broke the news, Robin immediately responded that he owed her a million dollars for losing a bet they had made on the subject years ago. In addition, both Artie and Gary were shocked by the announcement because of Howard's previous stance on the chances of him marrying Beth, while Sal pointed out that he was sure Beth would soon change her ways in the bedroom now that the two were hitched – and that Howard should call on Sal when that change occurred. George then commented that he was happy for Howard, and that he hopes gays and lesbians will one day be afforded the opportunity to do the same thing that he had apparently done.

After Ralph insisted that the whole thing was a joke, Howard admitted that it was actually a hoax – he and Beth are not married, or engaged. He went on to say that he claimed to be married just to see who would’ve supported him. Howard explained that, while he and Beth were vacationing in Mexico, stories started surfacing that the two had tied the knot. However, Howard reported that a different couple had gotten married on the beach at the resort they were staying at, and that the press had gotten their facts mixed up. Howard added that he refused to either confirm or deny the rumors when they started, because he wanted to state the truth during his first SIRIUS broadcast, after first having some fun with everyone.

Before the press conference began, Howard read the revelations that 11 people on the show made. The participating show members were: Howard, Robin, Artie, Fred, Benjy, JD, Gary, Jason, Scott the Engineer, Sal and Richard. Howard will announce which secret belongs to which show member next Monday. The secrets revealed were:

• Someone cheated on his wife, and she caught him.
• Someone once hid in a bathroom closet and pleasured himself while watching family members relieve themselves (reportedly an aunt and a cousin, according to Will).
• Someone got a girl pregnant in the last year and had to pay for her abortion.
• Someone is addicted to porn and prefers masturbating at least twice a day over real sex.
• Someone spent $10,000 on internet porn over the years.
• Along with one of his friends, someone hired massage girls who stole their money without providing any of their services, leaving the pair together in their underwear.
• Someone pleasured him or herself using meat and vegetables.
• Someone has a half-sister who he or she never wants to meet.
• Someone has had cosmetic surgery.
• Someone once had a guy ejaculate on their chest.
• After waking up from having his or her stomach pumped for alcohol poisoning, someone was having his or her genitals fondled by an acquaintance of the same sex

Gary and Fred both commented that they thought the meat and vegetables secret belonged to Robin, while Howard figured hers was that she had undergone cosmetic surgery. Gary then commented that Robin was so embarrassed after she revealed her secret last month that it couldn’t have been something as common as plastic surgery.

Fred then speculated that the massage story sounded like something that would’ve happened to Artie. However, Ralph guessed that Artie’s secret was paying for the abortion, and that it was the true cause of his bender earlier last year. After Artie assured everyone that his revelation had nothing to do with his meltdown during the summer, Robin insisted that nobody give away anymore details until next Monday.

Howard welcomed into the studio a number of reporters for a press conference he decided to have to continue to spread the word about SIRIUS. Here is a list of some of the questions Howard was asked, as well as his responses to them:

• Penny Crone, the newest member of the Howard 100 News team, who has been covering Howard Stern for several news organizations over the past few years wanted to know if he really was NOT married and if he had gotten a nose job. Yes he is not and no he has not had any surgery.
• Keith Olberman of MSNBC wondered if Howard thought his move to satellite would cause other radio personalities to take the same action. Howard replied that satellite will allow people who were discarded by the regular-radio machine to have a place to practice their craft. Howard added that all broadcasters should embrace the technology that satellite offers, and that his first broadcast on the medium is history in the making, likening it to when television stars first began appearing on cable.
• Howard told Maria Menounos from “Access Hollywood” that his two oldest daughters have expressed interest in being involved with his SIRIUS channels, and that he is in the process of developing a show for them.
• A.J. Calloway from “Extra” asked Howard about his 22-year-old daughter’s recent involvement in a play in which she didn’t wear much clothing, as well as her subsequent break from the production. Howard explained that he’d have no qualms with his daughter being scantily clad in a play, as long as the play had some redeeming value. Howard went on to say that his daughter left the production after a legitimate dispute with the show’s director, not because of anything he said or did. Howard said he has never been prouder of his daughter and the way she handled this situation.
• Kim Dean of “Inside Edition” was curious about how Howard would keep the show fresh without losing its shock value. Howard responded that his show has always been about entertaining people, and that he won’t use profanities just for the sake of using them. Howard also noted that he didn’t think that the FCC would ever carry through with their threats of regulating satellite, because doing so would lead to the censorship of books, cable and the internet.
• Howard also talked about how, although he understands that some people simply won’t be able to afford listening to him on satellite, he didn’t think spending 43 cents a day for nonstop music, sports, talk and comedy was too big a price for most people to pay. In addition, Howard repeated a number of times that he hadn’t gotten married or engaged during his vacation. Howard went on to note that when compared to some of the actions taken by the United States government with the war in Iraq, as well as how hateful and hypocritical the religious right is, nothing he does on the show should be labeled, "indecent."

Howard noted that he saw “King Kong” since he was last on the air, and that he felt it was pretty good. However, Howard proceeded to mention that he had a difficult time believing that King Kong not only didn’t eat Naomi Watts, but that he fell in love with her to boot. Howard added that he has heard people claim the film is a commentary on race relations in this country, explaining that King Kong, who represented an African American, met his demise simply for falling in love with a white woman.

Since Howard was talking about race, Gary brought up a story he read about Wal-Mart. Gary reported that the heads of the company had to apologize recently because whenever someone searched for “Planet of the Apes” or “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” through the chain’s website, the recommendation feature of the site suggested people looking for such movies would also enjoy books about Martin Luther King and other black people.

Ralph came back into the studio, and told Howard that Bubba the Love Sponge’s studio, which is located in Florida, is even nicer than his. Ralph commented that Bubba’s studio is two stories, and has comfortable couches, a giant television as well as a beer machine in the green room. Howard then mentioned that he’s looking forward to listening to Bubba’s show, adding that it’s bound to be crazy based on all the stunts he used to pull while working for Clear Channel.

Ronnie the Limo Driver made his SIRIUS debut by criticizing Bubba The Love Sponge. Ronnie claimed that he became angry with Bubba during Howard’s final regular-radio broadcast, because Bubba didn’t join the festivities on the street. After Howard pointed out that Bubba was low key that day so as not to steal any of his spotlight, Brent, who works on Bubba’s show, entered the studio and reported that the only person associated with the show who has been giving Bubba any problems was Ronnie.

Bubba then showed up and reported that Ronnie began starting trouble with him during a recent episode of “The SuperFan RoundTable.” Bubba said that he offered to let Ralph use his studio in Florida when he was down there so he could call in to the show, and that, during its airing, he popped in to say hello. Despite his act of kindness, Bubba mentioned that Ronnie began yelling at him to get off their show, an act of hostility that he didn’t understand. Ronnie responded again that he was mad at Bubba for not showing up outside on December 16. Ralph then added that Ronnie was so upset with Bubba that he was sure something of substance had occurred between the two before “The SuperFan RoundTable” incident happened.

While Bubba talked to Howard about some of the bits he did on his show before he was fired by Clear Channel, the topic of pubic-hair shaving came up. Bubba acknowledged that he not only shaves his nether regions twice a week, but that he also grooms his derriere. Richard, another proponent of pubic-hair shaving, said that he engages in the same practice as Bubba, and that doing so makes him feel more confident. Howard proceeded to announce that he wanted Bubba and Richard to have a “shave off” in the coming days, and that George would judge who had the nicer looking package when the competition was finished. All three parties agreed to participate.

When Ronnie suggested that Bubba get in touch with Tabitha Stevens to find out more about bleaching his most private of areas, Bubba claimed that he and Tabitha were once involved in a three-way. However, Tabitha called in and denied that she had ever been intimate with Bubba. Tabitha also noted that she has family members who live in Nevada, where the romp was supposed to have taken place, and that it was possible Bubba had been with one of her sisters instead of her. To get to the bottom of the controversy, Howard informed Tabitha that she’d have to come on the show in order to take a lie detector test.