BACK FROM VACATION!
The Howard Stern Show for July 17, 2006

The show started with Howard saying he didn’t think it was necessary for the program to broadcast live anymore because of how good he felt the replays sounded while the show was on vacation the past two weeks. However, Howard added he was happy to be back before pointing out Artie looked like he’d dropped weight since he last saw him. Artie acknowledged he had, in fact, “lost a few” during the break, and claimed he was “good” in regard to his eating the entire time except for when he attended last week’s Homerun Derby and All-Star Game at PNC Park in Pittsburgh. Artie went on to say he ate a chicken tenders platter with “giant French fries that looked like canoes,” a waffle cone, a foot-long hotdog, a cheeseburger, a box of Crackerjacks, shelled peanuts, four “enormous” Cokes, and two slices of pizza at the All-Star Game alone.

Jon Hein, who attended the derby and game with Artie, came into the studio and reported Artie was really nice at the event because he took pictures with anyone who approached him, regardless of how much food he was carrying at the time. Artie then mentioned he’d be shooting his scenes for “Entourage” on Wednesday and Thursday, while also noting he was asked to participate in a roast for William Shatner in Los Angeles next month, but, if he did it, he’d be late for the show the next morning. Howard responded he wasn’t going to say no to Artie’s request, but added he wanted him to be on the program as well.

Turning back to the game, Artie pointed out he encountered some of “the fattest human beings” he’d ever seen while he was in Pittsburgh, which he admitted made him feel good about himself. Artie proceeded to get on the in-studio scale, where it was revealed he weighed 274 pounds, a loss of three pounds since the last show.

Artie said he considered it a victory that he didn’t gain weight over vacation, especially because he had to “make out” with Leslie Bibb when he films his part for “Entourage.” Upon hearing this, Howard reminded Artie that Leslie had a small role in “Private Parts,” before advising him to take advantage of his kissing scenes with her by doing as much touching as he can. Although Artie commented Leslie was “f-ing hot” when he saw her picture, Howard broke the news to him that he read in her biography she had two dogs. However, Artie replied Leslie’s dogs wouldn’t bother him because he doubted they’d be on the set with her.

Howard asked Artie if he “got laid” over vacation, but he responded, even if he did, he wouldn’t announce it on the air. While this led Howard to suggest Artie’s response meant he had sex, Artie noted he still believed Dana might “come to her senses” and reestablish her relationship with him, so he didn’t want to get into the specifics of his sex life.

Artie brought up how he performed some standup gigs with Andrew Dice Clay during the vacation, but added he earned only $5,000 for his time, a total he still hadn’t gotten from Dice. Artie then commented he figured he would’ve made closer to $10,000 for the 20-minute sets he did with Dice, who he said was the one responsible for giving him the money. Artie next mentioned he made “a lot of money” at the stand-up shows he did over the break by himself in Pittsburgh, but admitted he was “seething mad” because he hadn’t gotten the money he earned from Dice even though it’d been 10 days since the shows they did together.

Howard reported he got back into chess during his vacation, and added he wanted to hire a chess coach in order to get better at the game. Howard also mentioned he started reading “A Confederacy of Dunces” as well, before telling the story of John Kennedy Toole, the book’s author, who he said killed himself and had his manuscript published only when his mother shopped it around following his death.

After Artie congratulated Robin for being named by Entertainment Weekly as one of the best sidekicks in history, she mentioned the “toilets” she encountered while she was in Italy during the vacation were nothing more than “holes in the ground,” which she acknowledged were difficult to use when she had to urinate. Richard then came into the studio and mentioned when he was once in Italy, he had to use the “holes” as well, before also recalling the time he defecated into a can and baked it in an oven. Richard followed that story with the time he and seven of his friends all moved their bowels into the same toilet and didn’t bother flushing it.

Richard went on to say he visited his parents in Kansas over the vacation, and noted they’re now letting their chickens live inside their house. After Howard pointed out how Richard’s parents treat their animals like pets only to wind up killing them for food, Richard remembered how, when he was younger, they did just that to his pet cow.

Gary came into the studio and reported Sal got drunk after one of his comedy shows last week, and, due to his condition, decided to sleep in the basement of one of his fans. Gary then told Howard that Sal made ethnic jokes at the expense of the fan’s adopted Chinese son, and also propositioned the woman to have sex with him while also using the n-word on a number of occasions. Howard proceeded to play a clip of Sal calling his wife asking her permission to stay at the woman’s house, but, because he got her answering machine, lied to her and said he was staying at a hotel instead.

While going through this week’s Top 5 Singles, Howard read the number two song, “Crazy,” was by “Gnarly Barkley.” However, when Gary informed Howard the band was actually called “Gnarls Barkley,” he replied, although the mistake may not have appeared to be a big deal, he added he wanted to be “hip” to his younger listeners, and getting the group’s name wrong didn’t allow him to do that.

Scott the Engineer then came into the studio and admitted he was the one who misspelled Gnarls Barkley’s name, but pointed out Howard could’ve corrected the mistake had he looked at a different Top 5 list he had on his computer. Howard responded, though, that all Scott had to do was come up with a list of five songs, so he didn’t want to hear about other lists on his computer.

Howard played a clip of Kathy Griffin telling Larry King about her recent divorce. In the tape, Kathy alleged her ex-husband stole more than $72,000 from her over the course of a year. Kathy added she tried to make the relationship work despite the incident, but she couldn’t get past the trust issues she developed because of her ex-husband’s actions.

As Howard heard Kathy’s story, he pointed out how he wished she would’ve given the details about her divorce on his show because of the number of times he had her on as a guest. Robin then said it didn’t surprise her that Kathy’s husband was accused of stealing money from her, adding not even Christie Brinkley could keep from getting divorced for the fourth time. This led Howard to comment he read the story about Christie as well, and reported her soon-to-be ex-husband, Peter Cook, allegedly cheated on her with a 19-year-old woman.

Howard mentioned he attended several parties during the vacation, and he had discussions with a number of celebrities. After talking about the conversations he had with Candice Bergen, Gwyneth Paltrow and Renee Zellweger, Howard noted he hung out in New York with Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman as well, and added he tried to get Artie to go out with them, but he didn’t return his call. Howard went on to say he was at another party with Kelly Ripa and Bryant Gumble, and that Star Jones was rumored to have been there as well, but he didn’t see her.

Although Robin wanted to know more of the details about Howard’s time with Gwyneth and Renee, he admitted he didn’t remember much about their talks because of how drunk he was at the time. In fact, Howard said he was glad to be back at work this morning because of the discipline the show brings him, adding he drank “to excess” every night of the vacation.

Howard reported Mancow was fired last week from Q101 in Chicago, which was his biggest affiliate. Howard then pointed out Mancow has been claiming the firing was good for his career, before getting to a clip of an interview he did about the situation. Following the tape, Tim Sabean came into the studio and said Mancow was fired because “he sucked,” explaining he was “very narrow in his appeal.” Tim also noted Mancow’s public relations people were “good” because of the way they were able to spin his ratings in a positive way throughout his career.

Howard took a call from Nick, a nurse practitioner who stitched up Dave, one of Beth’s brothers, last week when he cut his hand. Nick told Howard it was “an absolute pleasure” meeting him, not only because of how nice he was, but also because he brought Beth with him to the hospital as well. Before he got off the line, Howard thanked Nick for making him “look good” in front of Beth, saying Nick took care of Dave as soon as he got to the facility.

Howard noted the story that bothered him the most over his vacation was the one involving Hilary Swank. Howard then read an interview with Hilary, where she commented her ex-husband, Chad Lowe’s, drinking problem was what caused her split with him. Howard went on to say he didn’t think Hilary had to talk about Chad’s drinking because he thought it might hurt his career, and that was what upset him about it. Despite Howard’s reaction, Robin replied she was surprised he was taking such a stance on the issue, adding she didn’t think it was that big a deal.

Howard announced SIRIUS got more than 600,000 subscribers in the second quarter, giving the company 4.7 million subscribers in total. Howard went on to read a report that the latest news has tightened the gap between the number of subscribers SIRIUS has compared to XM, and that XM most likely won’t reach the subscriber total its executives had hoped it would by the end of the year.

Howard mentioned he had clips of Gary Garver interviewing people at last week’s ESPY Awards, and he wanted to play them. In the first clip, Gary talked to Chris Paul, the most recent NBA Rookie of the Year, who ended the interview after he was asked about gay basketball players. Danny Clark, a linebacker with the Oakland Raiders, was the next athlete to talk to Gary, and he said he thought O.J. Simpson should be remembered as a football hero and not a murderer, before also revealing he never “sh*t his pants” during a game and doesn’t shave his pubic hair. After finding out the Raiders were facing 60-1 odds of winning the Super Bowl this year, Artie noted he might put $1,000 on the team when he goes to Las Vegas later this week, and Howard said he was interested as well.

However, Will then came into the studio and called the bet “retarded,” noting he didn’t think the Raiders would even make the playoffs this season much less win the Super Bowl.

Howard got back to Gary’s interviews, the next of which featured Leon Sphinx, who noted he didn’t abstain from sex prior to his fights and described Howard in one word as “nasty.” Gary next talked to Pat O’Brien, who described Howard in one word as “successful” before referring to his sex calls as “the History Channel.” Howard responded, though, he still found the calls entertaining, and played a number of song parodies that featured them.

In the final clip, the NFL MVP, Shaun Alexander, told Gary he wouldn’t have a problem with a gay athlete in the locker room with him, even though he didn’t think “it was right.” Shaun went on to say he was a virgin until he got married at the age of 24. When Gary next asked Shaun why “the black was the better athlete,” Shaun said he didn’t think players’ performances had as much to do with race as they did with the hunger of the athletes. Shaun also told Gary he hurt his penis during a game and claimed he never “sh*t his pants” while on the field.

Howard mentioned he and other people from the show are still figuring out what to do with his 23,000 hours of tapes from KROCK, but he played, for the first time ever, the speech his sister, Ellen, made during his farewell show on terrestrial radio last year. While listening to the speech, Howard commented he couldn’t believe how much passion Ellen had, and also pointed out she seemed to “come out of her shell” when she was on the stage.

Howard next played the speech delivered by his father, Ben, who thanked the fans of the show and the New York Police Department. Ben then closed his speech by saying, “Don’t be…” with the crowd responding, in unison, “an idiot, you moron.” After the speech given by Ray, Howard’s mother, was also played, Howard replied she gave the same talk at his Bat Mitzvah.

Howard then got to the speeches made by Elephant Boy and Cleft Palette, and noted, due to the fact that what they were saying was unintelligible, it was during their talks that he decided to cut into the speeches during his farewell show on KROCK. Howard went on to admit he “f-ed up” during the final broadcast for not letting the speeches be played in their entirety that morning.

Howard took a call from a man named Doug who reported Robin supposedly hit a few boats recently while she was operating her own boat. Robin admitted the story was true, and that the accidents occurred because of the wind that day. Robin added she didn’t cause damage to any of the boats she hit, and her neighbors were understanding about the mishaps.

Howard commented it upset him that Jenny McCarthy was being called “a comedian” in the news stories about her engagement to Jim Carrey. After Artie noted he didn’t think there was “a more unfunny person” than Jenny, Howard admitted he wished he had taken her up on her offer to have sex with him when she once brought it up on the show, a proposition neither Robin nor Artie remembered.

• Robin Givens will be sitting in for Star Jones on next Wednesday’s edition of “The View.”

• Kathy Griffin has been nominated for an Emmy for her show, “My Life on the D-List.”

• Tori Spelling is accusing her mother, Candy, of already selling the family’s home a month after Aaron’s death.

• Luciano Pavarotti was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

• Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley got married.

• Newt Gingrich has referred to violence in the Middle East as “the Third World War.”

• Unaware that his microphone was still on, President Bush said “sh*t” while talking to Tony Blair about the Middle East.

• Madeleine Albright has been critical of President Bush’s actions in regard to the war.

• More than 40 insurgents were killed in Afghanistan yesterday.

• Robert Brooks, the chairman of Hooters, passed away.

• The space shuttle Discovery landed safely from its most recent trip into space.

• Red Buttons died last week.

• A debate about stem-cell research will go on in the Senate today.

• The Gay Games began in Chicago this past weekend.

• Brad Pitt will be helping to construct apartment buildings in New Orleans.

• A woman was arrested for calling 911 and asking that “a cute cop” come to her home.