WELCOME TO THE HOTEL CALIFORNIA
The Howard Stern Show for July 17, 2008

Howard started off the show noting that he was running in Central Park yesterday, and it was so hot, he had to run at a very slow pace. In the middle of mile 5, he ran into Robin and her trainer, who were walking. Robin claimed she was walking because her trainer was injured and she refuses to run alone in the park, as she's scarred by the story of the woman who went for an early morning run and was raped and killed several years ago.

Howard and Robin raved about “The Dark Knight” IMAX experience. Robin said the IMAX screen gave her motion sickness, and Howard agreed, saying it was a little disorienting at times. Artie asked it the movie was really a five-star affair, and both Howard and Robin said yes. Howard said the movie had the potential to make Heath Ledger the James Dean of his generation, and the only weak part was Maggie Gyllenhaal, as he didn’t feel she had the physical beauty to carry the part of Bruce Wayne’s love interest.

Eric the Midget called in to complain about Steve Langford covering his life so heavily, but Howard defended Langford, saying yesterday's report about Eric's SFN handle was hilarious. Howard also noted that Eric's statements yesterday about Langford's Canadian background upset a lot of emailers, but Eric didn't seem to care, explaining that he wasn't angry with Canada - he would tell Langford to back to whatever country he was from.

Later, SFN kingpin, Mutt called in to confirm that Eric had posted under the handle “Romeo Blues,” and Eric shot back that he only used SFN as “fuel to get pissed off.” Howard asked why Eric wanted to get pissed off, so Eric confessed that it was for airtime - he knows Howard likes him better when he's angry. Howard thought the idea of Eric posing as someone else to defend himself was “beautifully sad,” but Eric still refused to confirm or deny the story: “Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.”

Howard reported that Artie fell asleep on the toilet again last night, and Artie confirmed the story: “I completely fell asleep and was leaning to one side, so my foot fell asleep. When I woke up, I stood and tried to step and fell down. I thought I had the gout like High Pitch Erik...I fell asleep [there] for almost two hours.”

Richard Simmons called in to promote his children's health initiative, “Fit Kids,” which led Howard to ask if the health guru's body has slowed down. Richard said he was still going strong at 60 and teaching the same exercise classes he's taught since he was 25. Howard threatened to start calling Richard his real name - “Milton Teagal” - and Richard owned up: “That's fair.” Richard then announced that he'll be testifying in front of congress about “Fit Kids.”

Howard asked Richard if he was tortured in P.E. as a child, and Richard said he was: “There was a big jock...every day after gym, he would take a bat and hit me in the head until I hit the floor.” Howard was surprised that Richard didn't die during the assaults and speculated that they were fatal – but the person killed was “Milton Teagal.” Richard avoided the subject, saying he stopped harassment by simply confronting the bully and standing up for himself: “All the other children clapped.”

Howard said he'd heard that Richard calls his dogs from the road, and asked Richard to act out the scenario. Richard was hesitant at first but broke down after a while: “HI HATTIE! HI POLLY!” Howard asked how much Richard paid the assistant who had to hold up the phone to the dogs' ears, but Richard became upset, saying Howard was making him sad. Howard then began laughing that the assistant probably didn't even hold the phone up to the dogs, so, after 13 minutes on the phone, Richard hung up.

Howard noted that Ronnie had a new look: he'd traded his mock-turtleneck shirts for an open collar and had also stopped dying his goatee. Ronnie came in to claim he was still dying his goatee – he's just using less dye. Howard told Ronnie to make sure he mixes the dye all the way through, as it has now left him with an uneven/”skidmarked” look: “It looks like he just ate out a menstruating chick.” Howard then asked if Ronnie would ever wear his mock-turtleneck shirts again, and Ronnie said yes: “Of course.”

After his new clip was selected as a finalist in the Baba Booey Song Parody Contest, Ham Hands Bill called in to celebrate and repeat its best lines. Howard and the gang also enjoyed songs using the melodies of Donna Summer's “I Feel Love,” the Commodore's “Jungle Boogie,” “King of the Road,” the “Law & Order” theme, the “Super Mario Brothers” theme and BTO's “You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet.” The final entry was written by the tapes team and sung by Artie to the tune of “That's Amore” - but, according to the rules, it could not win.

Ex-Eagle Don Felder stopped by to promote his new book. Howard asked Don what he said to fellow Eagle Joe Walsh in the band's “Hotel California” video, so he explained that he'd just told Joe his drug use was “showing.” Don then gave a brief survey of his histoy in the music biz: started a band with Stephen Stills when they were 14, gave Tom Petty guitar lessons, performed with Crosby Stills & Nash, and, after a while, started jamming with The Eagles. The band liked his work so much, they eventually offered him a role (and full partnership) in the band.

Howard wondered if Don went crazy when he joined The Eagles, and Don admitted that he got “drugged into sin and all kinds of promiscuity.” Don cited coke as the band's “fuel” back in those days, so much so they kept pace with Keith Richards during his craziest hours. Howard asked Don about how/when he wrote the riff for “Hotel California,” and Don set the scene, saying he just walked out of the ocean and sat on the beach fiddling his guitar: “I thought it was a nice progression, so I went back into my room and recorded it.”

Prompted by the crew's questions, Don described how his partnership with the Eagles dissolved. Don said the band's arrangement started out equitably, with each member getting to write and sing two songs on each record, but as the hits tended to be sung by Glenn Frye and Don Henley, that rule was phased out. Pretty soon, Henley's ability to consistently churn out hits even exasperated Glenn, and the band broke up. When he was done telling the story, Don picked up his guitar and performed “Hotel California.”

Howard got Mike Walker from the National Enquirer on the line, as he does every Thursday, to play “The Gossip Game,” in which Mike reads four gossip items – three (allegedly) true, one false – and the crew has to guess the fake. After plugging his new book, Mike read this week's stories:

1. Rosie O'Donnell bought her partner Kelly some expensive jewelry in Seattle.

2. George Michael mistook a fellow restroom user for a cop trying to catch him misbehaving.

3. Hayden Panettiere surprised her boyfriend, “Heroes” star Milo Ventimiglia, with a very special (and public) birthday-striptease.

4. Drew Barrymore accidentally sent her ex, Justin Long, some other guy's underwear when she returned his belongings.

Howard thought Hayden Panettiere was too innocent for a public striptease. Robin and Artie guessed that Mike just wanted to talk about George Michael. Fred suspected the Drew Barrymore item sounded suspicious. Mike then confirmed that Fred was right yet again.

Jesse Jackson used the n-word.

Al Reynolds is a really isn’t gay.

Andy Dick is in deep doo doo.

Jimmy Kimmell is making fun of the Jay Leno/ABC rumors.

The Emmy Nominations have been announced.

John McCain spoke at the NAACP convention.

“Hancock” is a cash cow.

Madonna's SUV was vandalized.