TROUBLE IN PARADISE?
The Howard Stern Show for June 13, 2006

The show started with Howard playing the a cappella version of “The One and Only Howard Stern” which was sung yesterday morning by this week’s announcer, George Takei, only this time accompanied with music Richard recorded for it. Upon hearing the song, George replied he might think about releasing a CD of his own. George then said he had a shirt with the word “Breakup” on it, explaining he was “waiting and waiting and waiting” yesterday for Artie in Central Park so they could go on their walking date. Artie pointed out, though, he told George he couldn’t make it to the park yesterday, but added he and George are scheduled to go walking today. George went on to say he and Artie won’t be spending any time in the Rambles, a part of Central Park known as a hangout spot for homosexuals, because he already has a partner, Brad. When Howard asked if George would actually be interested in Artie if he wasn’t already attached, George responded by saying, “Let me give it some thought.”

George noted that if he and Artie were together, like Dana, he’d make him attend therapy. George recalled Brad once demanded he go to therapy because of the fights they were having and doing so allowed him to compare what’s important in his life to the things that drive him “up the wall.” Although George added therapy made him realize how empty his life would be without Brad, Howard commented he gets the feeling Artie wants to experience, at least for the time being, what life without Dana will be like. George then pointed out this time away from Dana might allow Artie to find his “anal Annie,” which George said was his nickname for Brad, due to his fear of germs.

Howard had Shirley the God Hates Fags woman on the line so she could discuss homosexuality with George. After finding out that George is 69 years old, Shirley asked him why he “came out at such an old age” to admit his “filthy” lifestyle to God. However, George corrected Shirley on two points, first telling her that he and Brad made their relationship known to family and friends years ago, and secondly, he’s a Buddhist, so he and Shirley don’t believe in the same God.

As George was explaining that people need to respect other’s beliefs, especially because of how diverse America is, Shirley interrupted him and insisted she has no respect for George’s lifestyle. In fact, Shirley went on to inform George that God will one day “look him in the eye and dropkick his sorry behind to hell.” Shirley added everything George was saying was “pissing God off,” so she advised him to not talk anymore.

Howard took some calls for Shirley, including one from Jeff the Drunk, who said, “You are a dumb, f’ing cunt; shut the f’ up” and from Gay Tony, who predicted that at least one of her 11 kids is gay. When another caller asked Shirley what happened to the idea of “loving thy neighbor,” she told him, according to the bible, God’s followers have the responsibility “to warn people so they don’t go to hell,” which she thought was one way to achieve the goal being good to other people.

Gary mentioned he was on Shirley’s website reading about how her group protests funerals of soldiers killed in Iraq and he wondered how she goes about picking which funerals they attend. Shirley responded that figuring out what funerals to picket is tough because “God is killing so many American soldiers,” but explained she and her congregation go to whatever funerals are logistically possible.

Artie asked Shirley if there were any celebrities whose work she enjoys, but she said there aren’t, largely because “they’ve all flipped off their gods and are going to hell.” As Howard went on to propose possible shows for Shirley – including “Dancing with the Fag Haters,” “The Fag-Hating Bachelor” and a ping-pong tournament pitting gay people against “fag haters” – but she rejected them all. Following a call from Mariann from Brooklyn, who wondered how Shirley and her group made money, George said that was a good question. Shirley replied she earns her living as a lawyer, although she doesn’t have much time to devote to her practice because of her activistion. Shirley added, though, that she never mixes her religious views with her job, because that would “just be stupid.”

• Howard brought up how two high school seniors were suspended after officials discovered the quotes they gave for their yearbook were from Hitler’s “Mein Kampf.” George, who noted he shares a birthday with Hitler, responded that as offensive as the source of the quotes might be, he didn’t think the students should’ve been penalized for their actions, seeing as the quotes were legitimate.

• Howard said he caught some of the 2006 MTV Movie Awards, and admitted he couldn’t get “into” the show’s host, Jessica Alba. After Artie pointed out he finds Jessica to be “one of the most stunning women” he’s ever seen, Fred mentioned that, to him, Jessica comes off as sexless, and he doesn’t find her attractive because “there’s no sense of danger” to her.

• When Howard mentioned Paris Hilton was one celebrity who bothers him, George reported he was walking on Eighth Avenue yesterday and there were “hordes of people” lined up to see Paris coming out of a building. Howard then played a clip of Paris’ appearance last night on “Late Show with David Letterman,” where she brought up her new CD, “Surreal,” features “an eclectic mix of rock, hip hop and pop.” However, Paris wouldn’t sing when Dave asked her to take the stage.

• Howard took a call from a listener who wanted to know how the musical performances from his KROCK tapes will be presented on SIRIUS. Howard responded he’s trying to decide if he wants to dedicate satellite time to just the musical performances or the songs with the artist interviews, adding that SIRIUS needs to hire a staff just to deal with the tapes.

• Howard played a clip of Gilbert Gottfried taking part in last week’s roast of Meredith Vieira, who left her job as co-host of “The View.” In his routine, Gilbert played the part of a veterinarian and mentioned he was at Heather McCartney’s earlier in the day because her cat was “using her leg as a scratching board,” before joking that Meredith “killed more dogs and cats than a Vietnamese restaurant.”

Following the clip, Howard commented he found it odd that “The View” decided to hold a roast only after he has had four of his own since moving to SIRIUS. Gary then came into the studio to say a terrestrial radio show in Washington, D.C., had a program devoted to staff revelations shortly after Howard had his revelations broadcast on satellite in January. Gary also mentioned people who seem to be ripping off Howard’s ideas tend to throw in “a small twist,” which they apparently think makes their bits original.

• Because George has received nothing but positive feedback for his role as announcer, Howard asked him if he’d consider being a permanent part of the show. George responded that, while he “thoroughly enjoys” his time on the show, he can’t commit to a long-term engagement due to other jobs and appearances he has. However, George said he might be back in September when he wraps shooting for an online episode of Star Trek he’ll be filming around that time.

• Howard played a voicemail Crazy Alice left criticizing George for calling her “ignorant” yesterday, explaining that since he doesn’t know her, he shouldn’t be making such remarks. As the clip was playing, George tried to talk to Alice and Howard had to point out to him that what he was hearing was a voicemail and not Alice live.

Dustin Diamond, better known as Screech from “Saved by the Bell,” came into the studio to talk about a problem he’s been having with his finances. Dustin reported he made about $2 million during his 10-year run on “Saved by the Bell,” but, before he turned 18, his parents allegedly took all but the 25 percent of his earnings, which he said ruined his credit. Dustin told how he moved into a house in Milwaukee four years ago and is now in danger of losing it. Dustin went on to explain that he couldn’t get a regular loan because of his poor credit, so, when he was looking for one, he had to rely on a land contract offered to him by someone who promised to help him. However, Dustin added the man in question now wants the house and, unless he can come up with $250,000 to pay for it, he’ll lose it to the guy who has called in his loan.

Given his situation, Dustin announced he’s selling “D-shirts” with the message “I paid $15 to save Screech’s house” on them with the hope of raising enough money to keep his house. Dustin acknowledged that he has to sell close to 30,000 shirts – which he noted are going for $15 for regular shirts and $20 for autographed ones – to supplement the income he makes as a standup in order to make the $250,000. Feeling charitable, Artie invited him to perform with him at his upcoming shows in Pittsburgh at $1,000 per show. Dustin agreed to open for Artie and also pointed out his fiance, Jennifer, is from Pittsburgh. Following Artie’s offer, George acknowledged he was seeing “the soul” in Artie. Howard, George and Artie proceeded to each buy a “D-shirt” from Dustin, with George being the only one requesting an autograph.

Dustin recalled how he met Jennifer while they were both in line at Arby’s and he heard her laughing at the jokes he was telling the woman taking his order. As Dustin proceeded to describe how he introduced himself to Jennifer, Robin asked George, who mentioned yesterday that he owns a bank, if he’d be willing to lend Dustin a hand in getting back his house. George responded by first calling Robin “a rascal” and then commenting that there are three elements his bank scrutinizes when it comes to giving loans. However, after George mentioned the first two examples – which were “character” and “assets” – Howard joked the third element was “a big c*ck.” This led Dustin to reveal that that was the one requirement he’d be able to meet, announcing his penis is more than 10 inches long.

Dustin claimed that, contrary to popular belief, having a penis as big as his is “a curse” because of how painful it can be for his sex partners, as well as how inconvenient it is in his everyday life. Sal and Richard then came into the studio and offered Dustin $500 to perform various stunts – including receiving a naked lap dance from Richard, eating a Devil Dog out of Sal’s backside and accepting a teabag – but he wouldn’t agree to any of them.

Dustin’s fiancé, Jennifer, came into the studio and admitted she was “afraid” the first time she saw Dustin’s penis, but also mentioned she now likes sex with him so much that she’d stay with him for the size of his penis alone. Dustin went on to say he doesn’t wear condoms because he can’t find any that fit him properly, adding even Magnums are “snug.” Artie then pointed out he has the opposite problem and that the sides of his condom boxes all have “Ha ha” written on them.

Dustin mentioned he has a problem using the bathroom because his penis hangs into the toilet water and added he can’t stand at a urinal because of his size. Artie then mentioned he doesn’t like using urinals either, but his problem stems from the fact that when he goes “it looks like a stream of water coming out of a stomach.” As Dustin continued to say how troublesome his penis size was, Howard acknowledged he didn’t care about his house problems anymore, adding that “Dustin and his big d*ck could be homeless” for all he cared. Artie agreed with Howard’s assessment of the situation and advised Dustin to not bring up his 10-inch penis when asking people for money.

After Howard broke his self-imposed rule of not playing any KROCK tapes by introducing Sal and Richard’s “My Turban is Dirty” bit to satellite, Louie CK came into the studio. Before talking about his new HBO sitcom, “Lucky Louie,” Howard brought up the fact that Louie’s parents made him go to a camp for retarded children when he was in third grade. Louie acknowledged the story was true, but added that his parents didn’t realize the camp was for retarded children until he told them about it later. However, Louie added his parents still sent him back to the camp two more summers, which he admitted he didn’t mind. In fact, Louie said he would’ve had sex with one of the retarded girls at the camp if any of them had offered themselves to him, but they didn’t.

Louie commented he was once approached by a prostitute when he was in California and she offered him oral for $8. Louie noted that, as he followed the woman back to her hotel – which involved dodging rats and stepping over a body inside – he saw she was missing clumps of hair. Louie added he used a condom while having oral sex with the woman and was then chased by a man after he left the woman’s hotel room. Louie then said he felt like his pursuer was in cahoots with the prostitute and would’ve killed him had he not escaped.

After Louie talked about how he wrote and directed the Chris Rock movie, “Pootie Tang,” he added that its failure propelled him to other successes, “Lucky Louie” being one of them. Louie went on to say the program is HBO’s first-ever sitcom and that making it was a dream for him. Louie also noted that he grew up listening to Howard and it was just as big a thrill being on his show as well.

When George Flowers came into the studio to talk about today’s stories on The Howard 100 News, he reported that he made it a point not to “mumble” about the show in front of Gary’s office this morning. George then admitted that some of the bits on the program don’t always suit him, but he still apologized to Gary for upsetting him with some of the remarks he used to make outside of his office. Gary came into the studio and commented he wouldn’t tell George he was sorry for what he said about him on the show yesterday, but added the two have settled their differences, and he no longer has an issue with him.

Ralph called in and suggested Artie must be dating someone because yesterday he talked about having a seen “The Break Up,” which Ralph described as a “chick flick.” However, Artie insisted that wasn’t the case and claimed he saw the movie with his aunt and uncle. Artie then said he hasn’t had sex with anyone since he and Dana broke up, but admitted that streak might end when he goes to Las Vegas this weekend.

Bubba the Love Sponge called in to tell Artie he’d be able to get him girls like Akira, the woman who “shocked the puss” on the show in April, if he was willing to come down to Tampa. Bubba explained that, unlike the women in New York, the girls he knows in Tampa like heavy guys who are also famous radio guys, so Artie would have a field day if he visited. Artie pointed out he’s only supposed to be touring the cities where “Beer League” will be premiering, but that he might make an exception just to visit Tampa.

As Artie was talking about some of the sex he’s had with women in the past, Bubba challenged Ralph to a “Puss Off,” claiming that he’d be able to get more girls than Ralph if they competed. Ralph replied, though, if he and Bubba took part in a “Puss Off” on neutral ground, and if Bubba wasn’t allowed to talk about his radio show, he was confident he’d get more women than him.

Jessica Hahn called in and mentioned she’d be willing to “visit” Artie while he’s in Las Vegas, but Artie told her, as much as he likes her, he can find a 23-year-old girl for the purpose of sex. Although Jessica continued to try to convince Artie to have her meet up with him, Artie again said he loves her, but also demanded she “stay away from Las Vegas” this weekend.

• Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger, was injured yesterday in a motorcycle accident.

• A deli owner beat up a robber after he tried to take his necklace.

• MSNBC has hired Dan Abrams to run its network.

• Teenagers are using a high-pitched sound as a ring tone because only young people can hear it.

• Shaquille O’Neal was fined $10,000 for skipping an interview session with the media following the Miami Heat’s loss in Game Two of the NBA Finals.

• Florida is about to be hit by Hurricane Alberto.

• The owner of a diner in Philadelphia put up an English-only sign at his eatery.

• President Bush said the Iraq War has been “worth it.”

• Robert Byrd has become the longest-serving congressman in history.

• CBS will premiere “The Tuesday Night Book Club” tonight.