THE ONE BEFORE BETH
The Howard Stern Show for June 7, 2007

Howard started off by asking Artie how his “Letterman” appearance went last night, and Artie told him it went pretty good. Howard played a clip of Artie being introduced as one of the stars of “Rescue Me”, which irked Howard because there was no mention of Artie’s other job. Artie claimed he never asked them to bill him that way, and had no idea that's what they planned to do. Howard then said he had another problem with Artie; Artie says “bro” throughout “Beer League”, even though Artie claims not to like the term. Artie said it was because the characters in the movie talk like old men, but Howard thought Artie was full of it.

Artie then said that Nicole Richie, who was on the “Letterman” show with him, didn't look too skinny last night, adding that she was actually “fuller” than the last time he saw her. According to Artie, she was wearing “a prom dress”, but looked beautiful. He noted that she is stunning in person, and her complexion is impeccable, but she said a lot of stupid things on the show.

Artie claimed Nicole had a huge entourage at the show, but admitted he had quite a few people there himself; Tim Sabean, Ross Zapin, Ralph, and Sam Simon. Artie remarked that while Sam helped him with some of his lines, the dressing room was packed with people eating his cookies. The commotion made it difficult for Artie to watch the show before he went on, which upset him, because he wanted to reference things that had happened earlier on the show during his own segment. Howard noted that the same thing had happened to him.

Howard played a couple clips of Artie on the show. Artie said he told them that he wasn't leaving the Howard Stern Show, but wasn’t sure why Dave didn't ask him about it. Howard noted that Letterman seemed to be uncomfortable whenever Artie referenced Nicole Richie's interview. Artie replied that the pre-interviewer was nervous about some of Artie's more questionable material, so he “called an audible at the line” and went for it.

Howard then played a clip of Nicole Richie telling Dave how she gave people enemas on the new season of “The Simple Life”. Howard congratulated Artie on his appearance and said that Gary thought Artie had coke on his shirt this morning, while Howard thought it was more likely donut powder. Artie, however, swore it was just baby powder, because “like all other fat guys in the summer”, he “powders up”.

Howard said that Paris is freaking out in prison because she's alone for the first time and has no real interests to occupy herself with. Robin suggested that Paris sleep. Howard noted that TMZ.com has learned that Paris had to endure a cavity search when she checked into jail, which led him to ask Robin how her enema went yesterday. Robin said she seems to be doing a lot better than Howard. Howard replied that he was always miserable. Artie asked if his therapy was helping at all. Howard answered that he became sad at age 5, and has been that way ever since. Artie said that when Howard called him yesterday to congratulate him, and didn't seem miserable then. Howard told him it took “every effort” to make that call.

Howard then revealed that he was going to call Robin yesterday, because he was thinking about her and Dr. Roni, but he felt she'd mock him, so he skipped it. When he had said he was concerned about Robin after she was brutalized on the last roast, Robin had made fun of him. Robin said she'd thought it was funny that Howard tried to tip-toe around his concern before coming out with it.

Dr. Roni came in to talk about Robin's colonic yesterday. Howard asked if she watched Robin change, and Dr. Roni claimed she did not. They met in the room where the colonic is performed so Dr. Roni could analyze “the outflow.” Robin said Dr. Roni rubbed her feet during the procedure, and added that the colonic therapist also massaged her stomach. Dr. Roni said that she got excited about what was coming out of Robin after about 5 minutes. Robin replied that they said she “was going like a racehorse”.

Dr. Roni was glad that Robin didn't have impacted waste, and everything seemed to be “loose”. Dr. Roni noted that Robin's waste was brown and not dark, which would have concerned her. Robin said she felt empty, like she'd “been cleaned out”. Dr. Roni said that at one point, nothing was coming out but gas bubbles, but they continued massaging Robin until more waste came. Howard asked if Robin had done the “jumping” yesterday. Robin replied that waste was still coming out after the colonic, which Dr. Roni said was why they just did the infrared sauna wrap instead. Howard said it must've worked, as everyone on the staff thought Robin looked thinner today.

Howard brought in Dead Lee, a gay hardcore rapper. Howard remarked that Lee looked intimidating, and didn't seem gay. Robin and Howard asked Lee what he thought about Bobby Brown, DMX, Eminem, and 50 Cent's homophobic statements. Dead Lee said he thinks that animosity comes from deep-rooted gay tendencies. Howard asked if Dead Lee had ever been with a woman. Lee responded that a woman “who looked like Grace Jones” made him give her oral once. Howard replied that seemed a little implausible.

Lee said he had a song “Good Soldier” which is about coming out, and in another he tries to reclaim the word “faggot” like other rappers have reclaimed the n-word. Howard said Lee claims to love rough, aggressive, and violent sex. Lee said he did and admitted that he was attracted to Gary, because he looked like a bear. Gary came in and asked what Lee thought of Artie, and Lee replied that he thought Artie was sloppy. Lee added that he wanted to slap and spit on Gary during sex. Lee said he liked Ralph as well, announcing that Ralph set off his gaydar “a little.”

Robin asked if Lee had a following. Lee replied that he gets messages from guys on MySpace who want to “do stuff” with him, but they don't buy his albums. Howard wondered how Lee came out, and Lee revealed that his dad didn't take it well, and they haven't talked in 10 years. Lee then said his mom took a little while to come around, but now she's fine with his homosexuality.

Sal and Richard came in wearing only their boxers, and asked Lee to have “a gay rap battle”. Lee freestyled for a little bit, and Sal acknowledged that he was good. Then Richard began beat-boxing and Sal let loose an epithet-laced rap of his own. Richard and Sal then played “Sack or Shaft” with Lee, pulling a part of their genitals out of the fly in their boxers, and asking him to guess which part of their private parts it was.

Howard asked Richard about an incident that happened in the greenroom the other day. Richard revealed that he was sleeping in there, and Sal crawled in to sleep next to him. Sal was waiting for Jon Hein to finish work, because they carpool. Howard said he was freaked out because this wasn't shtick, it was for real, and showed everyone in the studio an image of the two sleeping together.

Dead Lee then claimed he once got gonorrhea from a blowjob and thought it happened because the guy who blew him had just blown another rapper. King of all Blacks called in to ask why Lee thought he could be successful as a gay rapper. Lee pointed to George Michael as a popular artist that had continued success after coming out.

Lisa G came in to report that Artie had just told her he was not leaving the show. Lisa said Artie told her it must be the talk show business that depressed people, because he thought David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, Howard, and himself were all miserable. Howard added that none of them were giving up anytime soon.

Lisa said she was fine reporting on Robin's colonic until she saw the hose hanging from the ceiling, and she got a little nauseous. Lisa said the doctor from the clinic went to Yale and is a proponent of coffee enemas.

Lisa also reported that Scott the Engineer had given his son's demo to Hanson's manager, and Scott came in to deny the story. Jason came in to say that Lisa got the story wrong, adding that Scott was actually talking about his son's European tour and upcoming projects. Scott said Hanson's manager asked him about his son, noting that he wasn't the one to bring it up first.

Eric the Midget called in to ask if Howard saw “The Next Best Thing” last night with the Howard Stern impersonator. Howard remarked that it was easy to impersonate him, saying all you had to do was put on a curly wig, a big nose, and glasses. Howard played a clip from the show of the guy doing his impersonation. Artie noted that the judges on the show have a great gig, as they're getting easy network money. Howard agreed, saying he doesn't mind Simon Cowell making money because he's interesting, but Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson don't deserve a cent.

Howard noted he received the Drake Chenault award for having a contest on air that was nearly identical to “American Idol”. Howard said he was also the first to do “Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader”, even airing it on his TV show multiple times, and added that Jay Leno has stolen “Jay-walking” and a bunch of other bits. Howard said David Letterman at least acknowledged that he got the idea to have his mom on the air from Howard.

Eric speculated that the “Tonight Show” will go downhill once Conan takes over. Howard disputed Eric's claim however, saying Conan is ten times the interviewer that Jay Leno is. Artie said to look for a “Rick the Midget” character on Leno’s show soon. Howard said he was running yesterday and started laughing at a future show idea he heard in his head, but he's not sharing it with anyone, because they'd only rip it off. Robin said the one thing you can say about Jay is that he no Johnny Carson, adding that no one could get a decent audience against Johnny, but Letterman sure does.

Eric thanked Howard for opening the line of communication with his favorite porn star, Brandy Talore. Eric claimed he has been talking with her ever since their aborted on-air phone-sex two weeks ago, but added that HowardTV would not be able to film if the two ever met.

Joey G from the Sopranos called up to say he wanted to give Artie a cue stick. Joey said he had several cue sticks made up after his character on the Sopranos was "whacked" with one. Howard speculated on the ending of the Sopranos, saying he heard one theory that it might have all been a dream sequence. Robin said she would hunt down David Chase if that was the case, adding she'd do the same thing if the ending doesn't let us know what happens to Tony.

Robin Givens came in to promote her new book, “Grace Will Lead Me Home”. Givens made an orgasmic sound when she heard Howard was engaged to Beth. Givens asked if she could get together with Howard and Beth, as she's no competition for a blond model. Howard didn't seem to like the idea though. Givens revealed that she had the best date with Howard when they went out to go see “Gladiator”. Howard said they had a good time, and asked what happened. Givens jokingly replied that Howard woke up and realized she wasn't blond.

Artie said Givens was one of the only reasons to watch “Boomerang”. Howard noted that Eddie Murphy and Givens actually dated in the past, adding that Eddie took her virginity. Givens said she couldn't talk about that because she was promoting a book. Givens then revealed that Oprah was the one who contacted a publisher for her book.

Howard said that, earlier, Robin was speculating that Givens was a little weird for having dated Mike Tyson. Givens said she was talking with Larry King, and he had wanted to know why she dated Tyson as well. Howard said he used to have a lot of feelings for Givens, and said that he also questioned her about dating Tyson. Givens claimed this never happened, and said it was hard for her to be friends with Howard. Howard agreed that it was hard, and Givens pointed out that she was sweating.

Givens said that after Howard met Beth, he told Givens that “he'd never be able to live with himself if he didn't tell her that he met someone”. Robin asked if there was ever any discussion of where their relationship should go. Givens said she came over to Howard's one day for lunch, and Howard broke the news about Beth to her. Givens claimed she could never keep up with Howard because Howard would want to go running or something random, and she would be busy with (or have to get a sitter for) her kids.

Howard said Givens was one of the most fun people to go out on a date with. Givens remarked that they never talk anymore, and pointed out that Howard had no idea that she had a book coming out. Howard said he hoped Givens knew that he adored her, but it was too awkward for him to sit down to dinner with both her and Beth. Howard added that if Beth was calling an old boyfriend all the time, he'd be upset. Robin said that wasn't true, because Howard went to Beth's old boyfriend's play and allowed her to contact him.

When Howard asked Givens if she was in love with him, she wouldn't answer. Givens asked Howard the same thing, and he wouldn't answer either. Howard asked Givens what kind of panties she was wearing, and she said pink lace. Howard then revealed that he knew Givens wore thongs, and also that she loved pork rinds. Givens demanded to talk to Beth, and left a message inviting her. Givens asked if Howard's daughters liked Beth in the beginning, and said that Howard had once told her that his daughters didn't like a woman he was dating, adding, “It must have been another blond.”

Ralph called to say Howard loves “broken chicks”, but said that, other than Beth, Givens was the hottest chick Howard ever dated. Givens said that she once got angry with Ralph after he commented on her ass, and wished Howard had punched him. Howard said he'd kicked Ralph out of the apartment, and noted that, since he started dating Beth, he no longer hangs out with Ralph much either. Givens asked Ralph if Howard should call her from time to time, and Ralph answered that it was just like Howard not to call the women he used to date.

Howard read an excerpt from Givens' book about Mike Tyson. Howard said that Tyson has claimed that Givens' family doesn't like black people. Givens thought that was ridiculous, and also denied that she got $14 million in their divorce settlement. Benjy asked how Givens and Howard began being “friends”, and Howard replied that they met on the show but doesn't remember how it happened from there. Gary came in to say Givens' publicist was nervous, claiming that Givens had to go.

Howard came back from commercial to say that Artie had been sleeping for the last fifteen minutes. They mic'd up Artie while he snored, and Howard suggested they mess with him. Benjy wanted to put his cock in front of his face, but Howard shot that down. Richard blasted an air horn, and Artie banged his head against the wall as he woke up. Artie said, “I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that you dated Robin Givens.” Artie asked if he was snoring, and Robin told him he was pretty quiet, “like a baby gorilla”.

Howard said he liked that Richard had an air horn ready to go. Richard replied they have every joke prop Howard could think of, which led Howard to name him “the doctor of messing with people”. Artie said he wasn't upset, and when HowardTV played back the footage of Artie being woken up, noted that it was the “funniest thing ever.” Everyone in the studio agreed.

Howard came back from break and said that Paris was just released from jail. Robin and Howard speculated that overcrowding in LA county jails might have been a factor. Howard expressed disappointment, saying that “It sucks. It was fun when she was in jail.” Howard said maybe Mike Walker knows something about it, but when Howard went to pick up the ISDN line, Mike wasn't there.

Scott the Engineer came in and claimed that Will forgot to remind him that Mike was there. Will came in to say that Scott should know that Mike Walker is there, because he's ready to go every Thursday at 9:30. Howard said he knew Mike Walker was sitting by a microphone right now, and asked why he can't hear him. Scott said he called the engineering department late, and so it'll take a while before we can go to Mike.

Artie asked Robin what she had Sunday before her diet started. Robin said she had one of her favorite breakfasts, an omelet and a croissant. Howard asked Dr. Roni what she would do if she caught Robin trying to sneak food late at night. Dr. Roni said she'd give Robin a drink she'd prepared for just such an occasion. Howard asked Dr. Roni if she had pleasured herself in Robin's house, and Dr. Roni replied that she had not. Howard speculated that the two might be engaging in late-night lesbian hook-ups, but Robin said she didn't have the energy, as she's not eating.

Mike Walker of the National Enquirer called in for this week’s round of The Gossip Game, and noted that he thought Paris might have lasted longer in jail if she weren't alone. Artie said he was also put in his own cell at the LA county jail because co-starring on “Mad TV” enough to be considered a celebrity. According to the contest’s rules, Mike tells four gossip stories, only three of which are allegedly true. Everyone then tries to guess which report is definitely the fake one. Here are the stories Mike offered this morning:

1. Eddie Van Halen fell off the wagon after attending rehab 2 months ago, and stumbled through a hotel lobby.

2. Gwen Stefani lost her wedding ring while performing recently.

3. Catherine Zeta-Jones rescued Michael Douglas from a 3-foot rattlesnake on a golf course.

4. Paula Abdul recently had to cancel a vacation recently after she discovered that her entire office staff had walked out on her.

Howard guessed story 3 was the false one. Robin went with 4. While Artie and Fred both correctly guessed 2 was the fake.

In the middle of her news, Robin ran out of the studio to use the restroom, saying she felt like she was going to “explode.” After the break, she said she was embarrassed because it was like an explosion in the bathroom, and there were other people in there. Robin said “it was a bad scene”, adding it was very liquid-y and gassy. Howard remarked that the East River rose five feet.

• The LA county sheriffs department announced that Paris Hilton is out of jail, and now under house arrest.

• An energy magnate divorced his wife recently, and she was awarded 180 million in the settlement.

• A 17-year-old Georgia boy was sentenced to 10 years in prison for having oral sex with a 15-year-old girl.

• Shirley Phelps-Roper of Godhatesfags.com was arrested for “contributing to the delinquency of a minor” for allowing her son to stomp on an American flag at a demonstration.

• A 15-year-old Connecticut girl who had been missing for a year was found in a hidden compartment of her parent's “business associates.”

• A 26-year-old man has been charged in the death of a Kansas girl whose abduction was caught on videotape.

• CBS is having trouble finding a replacement for Bob Barker at “The Price Is Right”, and Bob has remarked that if no replacement is found, he'll return.

• Andrew Speaker, the traveler with drug-resistant TB, said on TV last night that he was told he was not contagious or a danger to anyone before he flew to Europe.

• John Edwards is under fire for meeting with Danny Glover, who is friends with Hugo Chavez.

• Scientists now say you can catch E .coli from just sitting in the sand at the beach.

• “Ocean's 13” and “Hostel II” are hitting theaters this weekend.

• A German man lunged at the Pope yesterday.

• Gisele Bundchen is opposed to the Catholic Church's ban on abortion and contraception.

• Adam Buckman from the NY Post liked the pilot based on the cavemen characters formerly featured in Geico commercials.

• Bindi Irwin is ready to take on America, and handles animals up close, just like her dad.