THE PRINCE VISITS THE KING
The Howard Stern Show for March 10, 2006

Howard started the show mentioning that Artie was already consuming Devil Dogs and root beer. Artie admitted that the vending machine room is a bad influence on him, especially because there are times – like this morning – when he doesn’t want to be eating and drinking, but just can’t keep himself from doing so. Artie added that, when he eats Devil Dogs and drinks root beer for breakfast, he can actually visualize people giving his eulogy.

Howard noted that, while he became an adult at some point in his life and decided to eat healthy in order to stay thin, Artie has kept a childlike mentality when it comes to his diet. Despite Howard’s theory, Artie mentioned that he actually does care about how heavy he’s getting and that his current weight is making him feel uncomfortable. Artie went on to say that, just last night, he woke up and decided to order a chicken parmesan dinner from his favorite pizzeria. Artie added that his meal – which consisted of chicken, pasta, meatballs and bread – was delivered in 11 minutes and that he got it for free. Artie then explained that he never gets charged when he orders from this particular restaurant, because the owner has told him that he attracts a great deal of business for him. Artie also said that, even though he doesn’t have to pay for the food he gets, he always tips the delivery person $20 to make up for the difference.

The talk of Artie throwing around money led Gary to recall that Artie recently offered an engineer $500 just to put songs into his new iPod. Artie replied that Gary’s story was true and that he lost weight last year in part because being able to listen to good music on his iPod motivated him to exercise and that he’s hoping the same thing will happen now that the weather’s starting to get better. Artie then mentioned that he paid someone else to fill up his last iPod, but that, instead of using only classic rock songs as he had requested, the person filled it with music by bands like Maroon 5 and Coldplay. Artie added that when he goes to the gym he likes music that makes him want to work out, “not suck c*ck.” Howard acknowledged that his health club plays that kind of music on the gym’s stereo system as well, but that the club’s owner has insisted to him that’s the kind of music most of his customers wanted to hear.

Howard admitted that he’s put on weight since he became ill and that he’s done so because he’s followed the maxim: “feed a fever, starve a cold.” After Artie commented that he feeds all of his illnesses, he added that the only time he remembers not being able to eat was when he had a catheter inserted into his penis. Howard then mentioned that, while at his daughter’s Bat Mitzvah last weekend, his 90 year old cousin came up to him and started rubbing his back under his jacket. Howard said that, at first, he thought the back rub was an act of affection, but his opinion changed when his cousin informed him that he didn’t realize Howard had a layer of fat on his body.

When Howard was asked if he showers at his gym, he replied that he does, but he’s only comfortable doing so because he has his own private shower/changing area. Richard then commented that he rarely showers after working out and that he just sprays his body and clothing with deodorant to mask the smell. Even though Richard insisted that this practice keeps him from stinking, Howard assured him that people around him catch a whiff of his sweaty body. Artie went on to say that there was a kid in his high school named Emanuel who always smelled bad and that his “bad cop” friend used to refer to him as “Man-You-Smell.”

Eric the Midget called in to discuss his premiere of “The ‘American Idol’ Wrap Up Show,” which aired earlier this week. Howard informed Eric that he thought the program was horrible because of the way his co-host, Brian Dunkleman, took control of the show. Although, Robin pointed out that she learned through “The Wrap Up Show” that Brian was actually instructed to be the main host. Eric responded that he had no problem with Brian being on the show, but, since no one else seemed to like him, he didn’t care if he was removed from future broadcasts.

Howard then played a clip from Eric’s show, in which Eric couldn’t read his own handwritten notes. Following the tape, Howard acknowledged that Brian might have to stay aboard because Eric might have difficulty carrying the show himself, a comment which neither Artie nor Robin agreed with. Howard went on to tell Eric that he can have another shot at doing the program if he wants and Eric told him he’ll take him up on that offer.

Howard briefly touched on the following topics after his conversation with Eric:

• Howard reported that the memorial service for Cliff Palette was being held this morning in Dallas and that The Howard 100 News would be broadcasting live from it. Howard said that Cliff was a major part of the show’s family, and that his death “is a big deal.”

• Howard again brought up that he’s excited about his appearance on “Late Show with David Letterman” this Monday. Howard noted that he plans on wearing a “special” t-shirt when he goes on. Howard added that, because he has more than just one t-shirt to choose from, he might do costume changes during the commercial breaks.

• Howard announced that XM is no longer able to say that its music channels are commercial-free, explaining that the company has a deal with Clear Channel that’s allowing for spots to run on a few of the music channels. When Howard pointed out that Clear Channel has a vested interest in seeing satellite radio fail, Artie responded that the deal is comparable to the Red Sox owning the Yankees.

• Robin brought up that there was a debate yesterday as to how much of what guest Gianni Russo said about his life is actually true. Howard acknowledged that he believed every word Gianni claimed during the interview, but that Jason couldn’t find any information after the show about the two murders Gianni alleged he committed in the 1980s.

Howard commented that he’s been receiving a number of requests from people who want the show to air nonstop on one of his channels and that he has decided to honor their requests. Howard said that when he first thought about airing the show on a loop, he figured people would get sick of hearing it. However, Howard added that since so many fans have told him otherwise, he’s agreed to give it a chance.

Howard then announced that the show will air all day on Howard 100, with “The Wrap Up Show” and the Noon and 6PM live editions of “The Howard 100 News” being the only breaks. Howard also said that, once the new schedule begins, Bubba the Love Sponge’s show, the West Coast feed of his program, repeats of The Howard 100 News and all the specials will be broadcast on Howard 101. Tim Sabean, the program director of Howard’s SIRIUS channels, then noted that two shows from the week will be chosen and one will air on Saturday, and the other on Sunday.

Howard mentioned that Elliott Offen was set to come into the studio, but that, because of an alleged gag order preventing him from talking about his recent legal troubles, Gary wasn’t sure if it was worth the show’s time. As Elliott was yelling in the hallway, Howard had Gary get a wireless mic to pick up what he was saying. Once he was on the mic, Elliott noted that his lawyer advised him not to talk about his car accident, so he instead wanted to discuss the time he beat up a guy at a deli. When Howard told Elliott that the only way he could come into the studio was if he agreed to discuss his accident, Elliott began screaming at Howard and threatening to pull out each of his teeth. Elliott then announced he was leaving and got on the elevator.

After the outburst, Howard pointed out that all he wanted to do, for the second time in the past few weeks, was talk to Elliott about his legal troubles. Gary responded that Elliott loves his confrontations with Howard and that he’s sure Elliott will reschedule his appearance.

Amy Fisher and television producer, David Krieff, got on the line to talk about the upcoming television reunion they’re putting together with Mary Jo and Joey Buttafuoco. David claimed that he organized a similar special for Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding years ago and that it was extremely successful. However, David added that he’s currently in the process of trying to find a network to pick up his latest special and was wondering if Howard would be interested in moderating the event.

When Howard pointed out that Joey seems to be able to put a spell on women, Amy replied, “It’s a thing, ya know.” Howard then noted that Amy’s husband has the same look as Joey, which led Amy to admit that she does have a type. After David said that Gary seems to have the same features as Joey and Amy’s husband, Gary asked Amy if she ever contracted an STD from Joey as some reports have claimed. Amy responded that she wanted to focus her discussion on the reunion show, before acknowledging that the stories Gary mentioned were blown out of proportion.

When Amy refused to answer a number of Howard’s questions, David mentioned that the special he’s planning will be the place where Amy divulges all the information he wanted to hear. However, Howard informed David that he didn’t understand why he and Amy called in this morning, because Amy wasn’t saying anything and David was speaking for her. Howard then explained that, in order for there to be anticipation for the proposed special, interest needs to be built. This led Amy to acknowledge that the reason she fell under Joey’s spell was because of his ability to tell her exactly what she needed to hear in order to feel better about herself.

Amy then claimed that she couldn’t remember where she got the gun she used to shoot Mary Jo, but that, since she hung out in New York so often back then, firearms weren’t hard to find. Amy went on to say that she wasn’t a full-blown prostitute when she was younger, noting that she had sex for money about 10 times and that those incidents occurred only because she was at very low points in her life. Amy added that she was so disturbed at the time that she shot Mary Jo that she performed the act in broad daylight and waited outside of the Buttafuoco home until the police arrived.

Amy admitted that she didn’t think Joey deserved jail time for their relationship, before saying that her time behind bars was no picnic. Amy alleged that the male prison guards at her facility used to watch women shower and relieve themselves and that some of them allegedly even raped prisoners. When Gary recalled that they once had a female guest on the show who claimed that she and Amy were lovers in jail, Amy insisted that she’s never had a lesbian encounter, and that the story was a lie. Amy added that she has a 1-year-old child and a 5-year-old child and that, given their ages, she hasn’t tried to explain her past to them.

Amy brought up that she hasn’t met Mary Jo face-to-face since their first encounter, although they’ve written to each other a number of times over the years. Amy added that not a day goes by when she doesn’t think about what she did and that she never thought Mary Jo would forgive her the way she has. Amy went on to say that she underwent some plastic surgery after she got out of prison as a way of “getting away” from what she did, but that she realized a short time later that she’d never be able to rid herself of her past. Howard then took a call from Jessica Hahn, who informed Amy that she’s had to deal with a seedy past herself and that she’s still considered by many people to simply be the woman from the Jim Baker scandal.

David told Howard that Amy, Mary Jo and Joey have actually agreed to star in a reality series where they all live in the same house, but that there have been no takers on the idea. Artie added that what would make the prospective show even better is if the producers hid a gun somewhere in the house. After the Rev. Bob Levy called in wondering where Amy was when he got married, another caller said Amy served seven years in prison and that people should forgive her. However, Artie noted he didn’t agree with the caller, especially because Mary Jo now has to talk like Sammy Davis Jr. for the rest of her life.

Following the interview, Robin acknowledged that she had mixed feelings about talking to Amy because of what she did to Mary Jo. Howard said he understood Robin’s point and that he wouldn’t have been able to forgive Amy had she shot someone from his family. However, Howard went on to acknowledge that, despite his concerns, he, in fact, decided to interview her, before adding that, even though Amy shot someone, he still felt safer talking to her than he did Elliott.

Gary announced that Steve Langford of The Howard 100 News went to the building where David Lee Roth does his radio show and waited for hours outside David’s car until he came out from work in order to interview him. Howard then played clips from the report, which started with David claiming that he’s received calls on his show from France and Venezuela, two places, as Howard mentioned, that certainly don’t get David’s broadcasts. After calling Howard a “hero” and a “mentor,” David went on to say that Howard took all of his listeners with him and that any new show needs time to gain fans. Howard responded that he agreed with David’s opinion and that he said the same thing long before he left terrestrial radio.

In another clip, David acknowledged that running a morning show is much harder than he had anticipated, but that his bosses were starting to see just how seriously he’s taking his job. David added that, when he first began broadcasting in January, his bosses wanted him to do a rip off of Howard’s show, complete with his own “Robin” and “Gary.” However, David pointed out that Howard is the pioneer of what all radio personalities now do, so he wasn’t interested in trying to replicate what made him a success.

When David was asked in another segment about Howard’s lawsuit, he replied that, although he wasn’t familiar with all of the details, he thought it sounded like a case of CBS execs saying, “If we can’t have you, no one can have you.” After the clip, Howard noted that David was exactly correct with his assessment of the controversy.

When Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne came into the studio, Howard commented that Sharon looked better than ever to him. Sharon responded that she recently spent $200,000 on plastic surgery and that part of her procedure involved doctors taking fat from her stomach and injecting it into the lines around her eyes. Sharon went on to mention that, like a getting a new car, she spaces out her time under the knife to about once every three years. This led Howard to again compliment Sharon on her looks, before admitting that, when he first met her, she was far less attractive than she is now. Howard then pointed out that he has always respected Ozzy because of his commitment to Sharon, even when she wasn’t at her most attractive physically. Ozzie replied that he’s been attracted to Sharon since being introduced to her, but that they rarely have sex anymore because of his inability to get an erection, a condition, he said, that has been caused by his dependence on antidepressants.

Howard recalled that Ozzy, who was in New York to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as a member of Black Sabbath, once called the supposed honor “totally irrelevant.” Ozzie replied that his beliefs about The Hall haven’t changed, but that he didn’t want to spoil the occasion for his former band mates by not showing up. Ozzy added, though, that none of the members of Black Sabbath wants to perform at the event, so Metallica, who will be inducting the band, will play two of their songs instead.

When Howard found out that Sharon had her breasts reduced from an enhanced size 34d to a size 34b, he asked if he could see them. However, Sharon told Howard that her son, Jack, would disown her if she flashed him. Sharon went on to say that both Jack and his sister, Kelly, have slimmed down and are out on their own. Although Sharon wouldn’t confirm that Jack is dating Kate Moss, she did mention that Kate has been given a bad wrap for behavior in which all super models engage.

Since Ozzie is about to embark on another tour this summer as a part of Ozzfest, Howard asked if he was doing it because the family needs money. Sharon insisted to Howard that she and Ozzie are doing well financially and that an autobiography she wrote brought in $10 million last year alone. Since Sharon mentioned her book, Howard wondered if one its stories – namely, the time Sharon claimed Ozzy drugged her food – actually happened. Sharon said it did and recalled that Ozzy put pot in a stew he had prepared for her while they were dating. However, Ozzy claimed that the drug in question was actually acid and that two of his friends were the ones responsible for the incident.

Howard then asked Ozzy about Sharon’s accusation that he once tried to kill her. Ozzy responded that, in one of his less-than-sober states, he got into an argument with Sharon before blacking out and waking up in a jail cell. Ozzy added that once he found out why he had been locked up, the reality of how bad his substance-abuse problem had become really sunk in.

Richard Christy came into the studio and brought up the battle Sharon had with Bruce Dickinson of Iron Maiden. Sharon explained that she personally asked Bruce and his band to join the last Ozzfest tour and, despite the fact that Iron Maiden was being paid $185,000 per show, Bruce, out of what she called jealousy, badmouthed Ozzy on stage every night. Because of this, Sharon reported that she hired 200 “Hispanic kids,” some of whom had worked at the hospital where she recovered from her bout with cancer, to throw eggs at Bruce during the final night of the tour. Sharon noted that the plan went off without a hitch and that Bruce had a difficult time looking serious onstage that show because of the “eggshells in his mouth.”

Following an argument about Sharon’s alleged affair with Ozzy’s former guitarist, Randy Rhodes, Sharon revealed that the family lost all of the $10 million it received from MTV’s “The Osbournes” on legal fees. Sharon explained that, after the show became such a hit, people started coming out of the woodwork demanding credit for coming up with its concept and that all of the family’s earnings from it went into defending itself. Howard pointed out that, since he’s experiencing the same problem with the money he’s spending on lawyers, he understood Sharon’s anger. Howard went on to say that what really bothered him about Sharon’s story was that he was the one who actually came up with the idea for “The Osbournes” after Ozzy and Sharon had been on the program years ago.

Mike Walker of The National Enquirer called in for his weekly round of The Gossip Game. According to the contest’s rules, Mike tells four Hollywood stories, only three of which are allegedly true. Everyone then guesses which report is fake. The following are the stories Mike read this morning: (1) George Clooney reserved an extra seat at a lunch date he had last Monday for his Oscar statue that was dressed in the same outfit he was wearing. (2) Nicollette Sheridan flushed a diamond pendant down the toilet when her boyfriend, Michael Bolton, claimed it wasn’t for her, but for his daughter. (3) Bruce Willis asked to challenge Oprah Winfrey’s handling of the James Frey incident on an episode of her show, but she refused his request. (4) A parrot was removed from the set of Anthony Hopkins’ latest movie because it kept yelling obscenities during filming.

Howard said that he didn’t think Michael Bolton is so desperate for women that he’d put up with Nicollette Sheridan’s alleged behavior, so he chose that story as the imposter. While Robin and Artie pegged Story Three as the fake, Fred picked the Bruce Willis report, which Mike said was the correct answer.

Since Gary is giving a speech tonight at the opening of Scores Baltimore, he said he asked Sal to write some jokes for him. However, Gary reported that the material Sal gave him was less than stellar. After Gary gave some examples of Sal’s work – including the zingers “I told my wife I’m doing an appearance at a donut shop, so if there’s a glaze on my pants I’m in the clear” and “Scores is truly a great place, because it’s the only place that’s expanding all over the country while keeping men expanding all over their pants” – Howard acknowledged that the jokes weren’t funny at all. Sal responded, though, that the jokes were good, but that Gary wasn’t delivering them the right way. Sal added that Gary’s sure to get laughs during his appearance...as long as he shows his face onstage.

Jeff the Drunk called in to see if he’ll have the opportunity to get his own show on Howard 100. Howard admitted that Jeff’s one of the few Wack Packers who makes him laugh, but he wasn’t sure if Jeff could handle his own show. To test his on-air skills, Howard took a call from a listener who asked Jeff if he thought God would be mad if he drank beer on St. Patrick’s Day, even though the caller gave it up for Lent. After assuring the caller God wouldn’t mind if he had a beer or two to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, Howard got High Pitch Eric on the line. High Pitch began his conversation with Jeff by accusing him of yelling over everyone during the debut this week of “The Wack Pack Show.” When Eric then pretended to be “a sexy girl,” he told Jeff he was wearing “a little dress,” to which Jeff responded, “You ain’t wearing nothing little.”

Following his audition, Howard told Jeff that he’d consider giving him a program in the future.