LEONARDO DE STINKY
The Howard Stern Show for March 19, 2007

Howard started this morning complimenting Artie on his appearance Friday on “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” and Artie replied by thanking Howard for the message he left him over the weekend telling him the same thing. After Artie added he always had fun on Jimmy’s program because they were friends, Howard played clips from the interview, with Artie first talking about buying drugs from a little person backstage, as well as the difference between using the n-word and the word “midget.” Artie then explained the setup of the jokes to Howard, recalling Jimmy had the little person in question dressed up as a leprechaun for a St. Patrick’s Day skit, and that, because of this, he adlibbed that entire part of his appearance.

In the next clip, Artie discussed how he and his friends once got drunk before a Bulls-Knicks game on St. Patrick’s Day years ago, and how he got in trouble during the game for yelling that Michael Jordan was gay. Artie went on to discuss in the final segment Howard’s engagement, the origins of his infamous “waaa,” and his weight gain.

When the clips were done, Howard assured Artie his appearance on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” was “bar none” one of the best he’d ever seen, and Artie again told him how much he appreciated his call. A caller then reported he was at the taping of Jimmy’s show Friday, and that, during the appearance of the second guest that night, Bryan Greenberg, an audience member yelled out, “Waaa,” while he was trying to tell a story about his show, “October Road.” Howard went on to play a tape of the incident, calling it “pretty funny.”

A listener wanted to know why Howard thought Chris Rock’s latest movie, “I Think I Love My Wife,” continued his poor streak at the box office, taking in just $5.7 million this past weekend. Howard noted he didn’t think Chris made for a good romantic leading man, and that he wished he would consult him prior to his next film. Robin proceeded to mention she felt Chris was in a difficult situation because he was “too smart” to play the “dumb guy roles” he seemed to be getting, adding she thought Eddie Murphy had to change his entire persona in order to become a box-office draw.

Eric the Midget called in to once again dissuade Howard from trying to get Sanjaya elected as the next winner of “American Idol.” However, Howard informed Eric that wasn’t going to happen, explaining he was “very much into voting for Sanjaya.” Eric then noted he was voting for Lakisha on this season’s “American Idol” before claiming he was going to try to ruin “Dancing with the Stars” for Howard by voting for Heather Mills on it. Howard then played clips of Angelina Jolie and David Lee Roth impersonators backing Sanjaya, as well as a voicemail from Crazy Alice, who backed up Eric’s position on the controversy. When Howard also played a tape of “Michael Jackson” supporting Sanjaya, Eric responded the voice sounded “a hell of a lot like High Pitch Eric,” but Howard insisted Eric needed to “have his ears checked.”

Howard proceeded to play a clip of a woman who was going on a hunger strike until Sanjaya was voted off “American Idol,” which led him to say there were protests over the weekend to commemorate the fourth anniversary of the war in Iraq. Howard went on to acknowledge the protests were so small-scale that he didn’t know about them until after the fact, pointing out that, to him, if there was a draft, the antiwar movement would have more steam than it did.

While Eric was still on the phone, “Arnold Schwarzenegger” called in to “totally back” Howard on trying to get Sanjaya voted in as the next “American Idol.” As “Arnold” discussed how much he wanted to see “a dark horse” win the competition, Eric replied he didn’t vote for Arnold during the past gubernatorial election in California, although he also admitted his vote might not have counted seeing as the voting machine he used “ate his ballot.” Because Eric lived in California, “Arnold” threatened to “cut off his health care tomorrow,” while also comparing Eric to one of his alien costars in “Total Recall.” However, because “Arnold” couldn’t answer Eric’s questions about his appearance on last night’s edition of “The Apprentice,” Eric said he thought it was “the fake Arnold,” even though Howard insisted otherwise.

Robin reported she had had “the greatest weekend racing” in California, saying she was lucky she flew out there on Thursday instead of Friday when a snowstorm hit New York causing all the flights to be cancelled. Robin went on to note she stayed in a town called Lancaster with several other celebrities, all of whom, she added, were participating in the racing event. Robin then said her friend, Martina Navratilova, showed up on Saturday because of the weather in New York, and that George Lucas was also there because he’d recently taken up racing as well. Upon hearing that, Howard commented he would’ve advised George to have stayed home to work on better scripts for “Star Wars” instead of racing.

Howard got to the second weigh-in for Battle of the Blobs, with the contestants – the first four from Team Tim, and the remaining from Team Artie – having these results, starting with the initial weigh-in, the first weigh-in as well as what they weighed this morning:

• Tim Sabean went from 265 pounds to 263 pounds to 257 pounds.

• Scott the Engineer went from 264 pounds to 255 pounds to 250 pounds.

• Brian Phelan went from 243 pounds to 239 pounds to 236 pounds.

• Jason went from 271 pounds to 258 pounds to 250 pounds.

• Artie went from 286 pounds to 288 pounds to 293 pounds.

• Jon Hein went from 255 pounds to 251 pounds to 250 pounds.

• Mike Gange went from 247 pounds to 244 pounds to 245 pounds.

• Benjy went from 267 pounds to 246 pounds to 240 pounds.

Gary then announced Team Tim had lost a total of 4.79 percent of its weight from two weeks ago, while Team Artie dropped just 2.56 percent of its initial weight.

The porn star, Lexi Bardot, came into the studio to play Sphinctionary, which Howard described as a game where two virgins would a “hold” pen with their rear end and try to draw a picture of simple everyday things while everyone would then try to guess what they were drawing. Howard added that should anyone be able to guess what any of the drawings are, that contestant would win “a date” with Lexi. Howard then noted Lexi did a number of unusual things in her pornos, including drinking urine. This led Lexi to say she got turned on by having guys urinate in her mouth, and that urine was “really good” for people. Lexi went on to mention she was also into “strangling” in her movies, and that, although she enjoyed having sex with black, she felt they had too many “issues” for her to date any. Lexi next talked about her former drug use, as well as how she and her ex-husband used to “cut” each other during sex.

The two Sphinctionary players, KB and Brian, then came into the studio for the game. KB, 23, said he was 5’6” and weighed 246 pounds, and that he’d “given up” on trying to get women. KB added the closest he ever got to having sex was when a girl he was smoking weed with tried to “rape” him, but that he couldn’t “get it up” because of the drugs he was on at the time. KB proceeded to admit he started doing drugs – including PCP and heroin – more heavily because women didn’t like him before also acknowledging he’d “stuffed” his g-string this morning to seem “bigger” for Lexi.

Brian, 20, reported he was 5’7” and 210 pounds, and that the furthest he ever got with a girl was kissing one.

Once KB’s 30 seconds were up, Robin guessed his drawing was a plane, Gary went with a house, Artie said a tent, and Fred chose a bathtub. Will then revealed Gary was correct because KB was instructed to draw a house. Brian then got his pen ready and, when his time was done, Robin said his drawing was a golf course, Gary guessed a flying saucer, Artie went with a fetus, and Fred said a penis. However, Will announced Brian was actually drawing the sun, which Howard admitted was the last thing he thought the drawing was. Howard went on to say KB had won the game, and had Lexi draw what the sun was supposed to look like, using her backside, of course. Lexi proceeded to give Brian a hug and also allowed him to squeeze her breasts as a consolation prize. Lexi also gave the Sybian a ride, with the machine quickly bringing her to orgasm.

As the Rev. Bob Levy came into the studio, Artie noted he and Bob were doing a show in Florida this weekend, along with Richard, Sal, Gary, Scott Ferrall, Shuli, Bubba the Love Sponge and his producer, Brent. Artie then said while Bob organized the bill, he was the one who decided how much everyone got paid once the show’s monetary tally was determined. Artie proceeded to acknowledge this weekend could be “a big score” for everyone because of a deal Bob worked out, adding Bob could potentially make enough to pay his expenses for half a year.

Bob acknowledged he used cocaine on occasion in front of people at comedy clubs, which led Artie to remember the time he was on the road a few years ago and started going through heroin withdrawal. Artie next said he was in such bad shape that night that he gave his entire paycheck – which he added was for $18,000 – to Bob in order to find some pills from people in the crowd to help him with his problem. Artie went on to comment Bob ended up finding him what he needed but refused to take his money, and also said no one except his dealer knew he was on heroin at the time.

Once the story was done, Artie admitted heroin use was like being in prison, and warned anyone thinking about getting into that kind of life not to do so. Artie then said he was on heroin for about eight months, and that he spent about a total of $35,000 on the drug alone (which did not include the previously mentioned $18,000).

Despite Bob’s claim that he had his cocaine use under control, Shuli, who was the announcer at all of Artie’s and Bob’s standup shows, came into the studio to refute him. Shuli then explained he thought Bob’s drug use was still so bad that he often had to request drugs from the audience for him prior to Bob taking the stage, and that he did it because Bob demanded him to.

Bob insisted he wasn’t going to give Ronnie the Limo Driver any time on stage this weekend even though he was going to Florida with the rest of the group. However, Ronnie came into the studio and reported he was going on the trip simply to “hang out,” and assured Bob he didn’t want to go on stage at all. As Bob talked about how he felt Ronnie would wind up drunk and trying to get on stage this weekend, Howard pointed out Ronnie was introducing his new persona – Quiet Ronnie – today because he seemed so calm. Ronnie replied by acknowledging Howard was right, and added he decided to make the change after hearing some of Robin’s remarks about him and his “personality” during an interview she did for the Bubba wedding special on Howard TV.

Howard proceeded to take some calls, including a couple from listeners who thought Artie was about to leave the show. Artie insisted, though, that wasn’t the case, and noted the development deal he signed earlier this year with Fox wasn’t a sign he was planning on going anywhere.

Howard also got a man on the line who’d written a song, “Forever More,” supposedly about his engagement to Beth, but Howard told the guy he thought the song was “generic” and could’ve been written about anyone.

During Robin’s news, Howard took a call from Greg from Howard TV, who reported KB was having difficulty “performing” on his date with Lexi in her hotel room. Greg then gave the phone to Lexi, who said KB was still fully clothed except for his socks, and that “he couldn’t get it up.” KB next got on the phone and admitted “the date” was over and that he’d be going home a virgin. KB went on to admit he was depressed by his lack of performance, and added he couldn’t get aroused by Lexi’s body because she wouldn’t get naked. Lexi proceeded to get back on the line and acknowledged she wouldn’t get nude for KB while they were alone, and that she didn’t want to “scar” him by being his first sexual partner.

• Amy Winehouse is a British musician starting to make headlines in America.

• Simon Cowell was featured last night on “60 Minutes.”

• The second of two auxiliary police officers killed last week was laid to rest yesterday in Brooklyn.

• A man survived a diving disaster in Florida recently.

• One of Anna Nicole Smith’s doctors announced the drugs she had sent to her prior to her death.

• A founding member of Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band killed himself.

• Steven Spielberg has a new reality show set to air later this year.

• Naomi Campbell starts her community service today.

• Kosher Coke is popular this time of year because of Passover.

• Oprah Winfrey is opening a second school in South Africa.

• Jury selection for the Phil Spector murder trial begins today.

• The movie, “300,” topped the box office chart for the second straight weekend.

• The four-year anniversary of the war in Iraq led to countrywide protests over the weekend.

• Donald Trump called President Bush the “worst president” this country has ever seen.

• Heather Mills is going to be on the new season of “Dancing with the Stars.”