THE (NEW) ANT COMES MARCHING IN
The Howard Stern Show for March 20, 2007

Howard started today mentioning a discussion that occurred on yesterday’s “Wrap Up Show,” and he played a clip of it. In the tape, Gary said he didn’t think Robin would stick with her latest hobby, race-car driving, adding he felt she was already bored with it and would quit because she wasn’t automatically a good driver. Robin responded to the clip, though, by insisting she wasn’t going to stop driving anytime soon, and that Gary’s guess was, in fact, wrong.

Then, as a bonus, Howard played another “Wrap Up Show” clip of Rev. Bob Levy pronouncing the yesterday’s game, Sphinctionary, as “Shwinksinary.”

A caller brought up the premiere of “Dancing with the Stars,” and Howard noted he believed one of the show’s contestants, Heather Mills, was “looking for love” by appearing on the show given the fact she only has one leg. However, Howard added “America still hated Heather” despite her condition, which he also said spoke to just how much people in this country still loved her ex-husband, Paul McCartney. When Howard next reported Heather made her entrance on “Dancing with the Stars” by claiming “no one in America knows who I am,” Artie replied, “Sweetheart, you weren’t married to the bass player from Babyshambles.” Howard then acknowledged he never thought he’d ever “hate someone with one leg,” but Heather somehow managed to change that.

This led Howard to say he was “turned on” by the way Beth had turned down “Dancing with the Stars” two seasons ago, adding that she even had to “justify” being a guest host on “The View” next week by telling herself she would go on to promote the North Shore Animal League. This led Howard to talk about the news concerning certain kinds of pet food killing 10 animals, and how Beth brushes Bianca’s teeth, “cleaned her folds” and gave her mouth rinse every night.

Howard went on to say he had “ADD” this morning, switching the topic to naked photographs he saw of Bubba the Love Sponge’s wife, Heather, that appeared on Bubba’s Website. Howard then had the pictures of Heather displayed on the studio’s monitors, with Howard, Fred and Artie remarking (positively) on just how big her breasts were.

Howard read e-mails from fans criticizing Robin for the way she fawned over having met George Lucas yesterday, and the way she demanded Howard not put down “Star Wars” the way he was. However, Robin laughed off the emails and noted she thought Howard was the one who constantly brought up his famous friends and wouldn’t let anyone speak negatively about them. After Robin named some of those people – including Meryl Streep and Billy Joel – Howard agreed and asked that she just avoid making fun of one of his newest pals: Gayle King.

Ralph then got on the line and claimed that, just nights before she met George, Robin was having a discussion with Howard and him where the three of them made fun of both George’s movies and his beard, which caused Robin to admit she wished she’d never mentioned George’s name on the air.

When Eric the Midget called in, Howard informed him tonight was another chance for Sanjaya to be voted to stay on “American Idol,” but Eric said he wouldn’t support what he was doing with the show. Howard then read a list created by a Website of the 10 Most Important Little People of All Time, and added that Eric actually came in at number three on it. After Howard pointed out the list didn’t come from the show and was from a legitimate Website, he played a congratulatory bumper Sal and Richard made for Eric. However, Eric noted he didn’t like the message because it used the word “midget” and not “little person” when describing him.

Eric commented that, to get back at Howard for trying to make Sanjaya the winner of “American Idol,” he voted “as many times as he could” last night for Heather Mills on “Dancing with the Stars.” Howard informed Eric, though, that he wouldn’t watch “Dancing with the Stars” if Heather wasn’t on it, so he thanked Eric for his efforts.

Howard got KB the Virgin, the winner of yesterday’s round of Sphinctionary, on the line, but Will reported the porn star, Lexi Bardot, who was supposed to have called in as well and who agreed to go on “a date” yesterday with KB, was nowhere to be found. KB then said that, as soon as he and Lexi got into her hotel room following the game, she told him that she wouldn’t have sex with him, and would just touch his penis “a few times” instead. KB added he’d been sober for 246 days before Lexi convinced him to drink a beer with her during their time together. This led Howard to acknowledge Lexi used the show for plugs, adding he heard she wouldn’t even get naked or allow KB to get onto her bed either.

Once he found out KB lived in New Jersey, Artie invited to a comedy show he was doing in a few weeks in Atlantic City , and that he’d be sure to “get him laid.” This led Howard to note that, if he ended up having a bachelor party, he’d be sure to invite KB to it. Upon hearing that, KB said “that would be a dream come true” and thanked Howard and Artie for helping him get a woman.

Joey Boots called in to say he noticed Artie wore the same pair of pants on “Late Night with David Letterman” and “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” as well as during his performances at Carnegie Hall and a show he did recently in Boston. Artie admitted that Joey was right, adding that the pants in question were the only ones that fit him, which was why he always had them on. Artie went on to admit his pants were “about to disintegrate” and he therefore had to look into buying a new pair.

Joey proceeded to comment he had another run-in with drugs earlier this year, although he claimed he’d been clean for the past three weeks. Joey added he also got a job driving limos, and that he was now so heavy he was having sexual problems, which was primarily that he was no longer able to ejaculate.

Howard mentioned Gary was talking to him the other day and he started rubbing where his moustache used to be and would then smell his fingers. However, Gary got on his intercom and insisted he wasn’t “smelling his fingers,” despite what Howard thought. Gary then came into the studio to also refute Howard’s claim that he constantly cleared his throat while he was eating, and added he could point out everyone else’s habits if he wanted to do so.

Since Gary was in the studio, a caller wanted to know how much Gary would charge to attend a party he was throwing, and he responded with $10,000. The caller went on to ask how much Gary would demand for other things – like putting on a monkey suit at the party or getting in a dunk tank – and Gary acknowledged those details would cost a lot more.

Dave, the founder of votefortheworst.com, got on the line to say the Website received about 1 million hits a day, and that he got the idea after watching the third season of “American Idol.” Dave then acknowledged this was going to be “a tough week” for Sanjaya, pointing out he’d almost made it far enough in the competition to be guaranteed a spot on the upcoming “American Idol” tour. Dave went on to acknowledge he felt the producers of “American Idol” could get Sanjaya taken off the show if they wanted, and that he wouldn’t be surprised if that happened. However, Robin replied that if it was ever revealed that “American Idol” didn’t really pick its winners solely through audience voting, she thought that would be the end of the show.

Dave reported he was 24 years old and that his Website focused primarily on “American Idol.” Eric the Midget then called to say he disapproved of Dave’s Website, but he told Eric that some people watched “American Idol” just to see if the worst contestants were winning. When Dave revealed that he was gay, Eric quipped that that explained why he liked Sanjaya so much.

Dave mentioned he and his current partner had been seeing each other for three months, but added they haven’t had anal sex yet. This led Artie to question if Dave was actually gay, and he assured Artie he was, noting he’d never had sex with a woman in anyway.

Howard brought up a new book, “Sounds Like Teen Spirit,” that questioned whether or not certain songs were actually rip offs of earlier songs. Because of this, Howard had some of the songs on CD to make the comparisons, and played the following (original followed by the supposed imitator):

• Huey Lewis and the News’ “I Want a New Drug” – Ray Parker Jr.’s “Ghostbusters”

• The Kinks’ “All Day and All of the Night” – the Doors’ “Hello I Love You”

• “Taurus” by Spirit – Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven”

• Prince’s “1999” – “Sussudio” by Phil Collins

• Boston’s “More Than a Feeling” – Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit”

• The Beatles’ “Tax Man” – The Jam’s “Start!”

• The theme song from “The Banana Splits” – Bob Marley’s “Buffalo Soldier”

• The Beatles’ “Don’t Let Me Down” – Rod Stewart’s “The Killing of Georgie” Of course, whenever the topic of discussion turns to music, Vinnie Favale can’t resist calling in – which was the case this morning, with Vinnie adding a few cases of his own.

The comedian, Ant, stopped in, and immediately started talking about having lost 43 pounds and “male breast reduction” surgery. Ant acknowledged that he had kept his C-cup’s even after losing his weight, which was why he decided to have his breasts “removed.” Ant went on to admit he also had fat sucked out from under his chin, got an eyelift and had work done to his hair while he was at it. When Ant then revealed he was 45 years old, Howard told him that he looked much younger than that.

After Ant reminded Howard that he had promised not to get married until gay people were given the same right, a caller accused Ant of wearing a wig. However, Ant insisted the hair on his head was real, and proved it by pulling on it in front of Howard. Ant went on to say he had work done on his nose in addition to all his other procedures, but insisted he lost his weight naturally, resorting to strict dieting instead of liposuction.

Ant announced “Celebrity Fit Club 5” premiered next month, and that Dustin Diamond was one of the stars on it. Ant then reported Dustin claimed he was going to make a mold of his penis and have Howard help him sell it, but Howard revealed that was the first he’d heard of the plan. Ant noted that everyone on the show “hated Dustin,” and thought the police were almost called at one point because of Dustin’s behavior. When Ant also said Dustin “dropped Howard’s name constantly,” Howard replied he’d met Dustin twice through the show, but never spoke to him other than those times.

Ant reported he got a message one day from Paris Hilton’s parents requesting he meet with them, but added he couldn’t give any details about their encounter. Ant then said he was still seeing the same man he was with the last time he was on the show, although he also claimed he didn’t believe in monogamy, and therefore had oral sex with a male flight attendant just two days ago.

Ant proceeded to mention he’d become friends with George Takei recently, and commented his partner, Brad, “doted” on him constantly. Ant then said he didn’t think he’d be friends with George if he weren’t gay, noting he was attracted to George’s deep voice. Ant proceeded to bring up his breast reduction again, which led to Artie and Benjy showing off their own man breasts.

Howard proceeded to take calls for Ant, including one from Sour Shoes, who wanted to know if Ant planned on spending any time with the show’s resident conservative, Scott DePace. As Howard revealed that Scott had once insisted he’d throw his son out of the house if ever came out of the closet, Scott came into the studio and explained he’d try to “convince” his son that he was making “the wrong decision,” but that he wouldn’t cause him to be homeless. After Scott admitted he couldn’t be “talked out of being straight,” he added he felt the same way about gay people, although he also said he thought some homosexuals were merely “confused.” As Scott continued to defend his stance on homosexuals, he gave Ant a hug to “prove he wasn’t homophobic.”

Howard took a call from a comedian and professional gambler, RJ, who claimed he was a professional gambler and had once “gambled for” Andrew Dice Clay, only to be betrayed by him. After RJ – who had to lie about his identity in order to get on the air – was finished telling his story, Gary came into the studio to explain he never put RJ through when he called because he couldn’t corroborate any of his story. Howard then noted he was sure Dice had his own side of the story as well, so he wanted to try to get them on the air together to have it out.

Following a discussion about “The Flintstones,” a caller wanted to know if Howard had seen any recent pictures of Jenna Jameson. Howard responded he had in fact seen photos of Jenna, and admitted she’d gotten too thin for even his liking. Howard then reported Riley Martin’s final SIRIUS broadcast was tonight, explaining Riley hadn’t been able to renegotiate his contract with Tim Sabean as he’d hoped to do. As Howard searched for a promo card for Riley’s program, Gary burst into the studio to show Howard where it was. However, once Gary gave Howard the card, Howard noted it couldn’t have been located in a worse spot, and asked Gary to leave the studio as a result.

When Howard next learned a tape of Riley’s and Tim’s negotiations was available, he wondered why he didn’t have a copy of it. Scott the Engineer, who admitted he had been given the tape to edit for the air, deflected the blame to Jason, who admitted he didn’t give the tape to Gary this morning as he usually did. This led Howard to yell at Gary for not keeping his people in order and demanded he get “meaner” with his staff.

Before Robin got to her news, Howard continued to take shots at Gary, making fun of the way he typed with one finger and insisting he was responsible for not getting him the tape this morning.

Howard then played the negotiation tape, with Riley wanting $20,000 per show for him and another $10,000 an episode for his partner, while Tim offered him $300 a show. Riley proceeded to promise he had “the information,” and challenged Tim to find anyone who could disprove any of the statements he made on his show. When Tim said he could bump up Riley’s salary to $400 per show, Riley told him to roll the money up and “shove it up his ass.” Riley went on to insist he wasn’t going to do the show “for chump change,” and promised tonight would be his final broadcast.

• An abused 6-week-old boy is making progress in the hospital.

• The Phil Spector trial began yesterday with the start of jury selection.

• Larry King went through a successful operation.

• President Bush insists America can still win the war in Iraq.

• Protests over the war in Iraq continue from the weekend.

• Naomi Campbell began her community service yesterday.

• Sanjaya is still alive on “American Idol,” which airs tonight.

• Heather Mills is a contestant on “Dancing with the Stars.”

• Jennifer Aniston is making a cameo on the show, “Dirt.”

• “Rocky Balboa” comes out on DVD today.