PLAYBOY RADIO STARS
The Howard Stern Show for March 27, 2006

Howard began this morning mentioning that they were unable to book George Takei as they had hoped they would last week. Howard explained that they were unable to work out a deal with George. Howard added that George was only offered the same amount he got in January, which he turned down. When Artie commented that he hoped George won’t become an enemy of the show because of this, Howard assured him he doesn’t think he will.

Howard once again brought up that the movie – simply entitled, “Fred” – that he plans on entering in The Howard Stern Film Festival is almost complete, but that it has been causing some controversy. Howard explained that Fred e-mailed him over the weekend, asking why he and his movie were so hostile toward him. Howard replied to Fred by sending him the script to his film and told him that, upon reading it, if Fred thought it was insulting in any way, he wouldn’t submit it to the festival. Fred replied, though, that since the film wasn’t anymore insulting than anything he experiences on the show every day, he was okay with its content. Fred went on to say that his theory that Howard would attack him in his movie was based on his own gut feeling and not on anything concrete.

Howard pointed out that he hates it when Artie shaves like he obviously did over the weekend, because he gets the mental image of him doing it with a knife. When Fred asked Artie if he plucked his eyebrows as well, he admitted that he shaved in between his eyebrows, adding that, if he didn’t, he’d have a “unibrow.” Artie then commented that he had “a regular Artie weekend,” noting that he drank, gambled and attended an Allman Brothers concert at the Beacon Theatre.

Artie went on to say that a number of people approached him at the Allman Brothers show and that they all talked about how much they love SIRIUS. Artie went on to say that his seats were on the side of the stage and that he played “air guitar” throughout the band’s performance.

After Artie said that the Allman Brothers didn’t play some of his favorite songs during the concert, Howard reported that, before he saw Billy Joel at Madison Square Garden last month, he requested that Billy perform “The Downeaster Alexa,” which he did. Howard then recalled that, years before, he was socializing with Billy privately and that there was a piano in the room where they were. However, Howard said that all Billy played that night were some classical pieces he had written and that, given the atmosphere, he didn’t want to make any requests at that time.

Artie reported that the Allman Brothers had a bottle of Jack Daniels waiting for him at the show, so he had “a nice buzz” going throughout their performance. Artie then said that, after the concert, he went back to Hoboken where he drank until 4 a.m. After Howard pointed out that Dana’s request that Artie start seeing a therapist seemed to be going well, Artie acknowledged that he hasn’t visited one yet. In fact, Artie added that he didn’t see Dana this weekend either, but insisted it didn’t mean they’re not together anymore. Howard agreed with Artie, and pointed out that it would be difficult for Dana to find another “fat, alcoholic Allman Brothers fan who gambles.”

Because he hasn’t seen Dana in a couple of weeks, Artie acknowledged that he pleasured himself yesterday. This led Artie to recall an instance on “Mad TV” when he masturbated to Christina Applegate, who was hosting the show, while she stood right outside his dressing room. Artie then mentioned that while he was filming the movie “The Bachelor,” he was convinced that one of his costars, Renee Zellweger, was interested in him. However, Artie also noted that, when he told the film’s lead, Chris O’Donnell, of his feeling, Chris gave him a look that suggested it wasn’t correct.

This led Howard to recall that he was constantly aroused on the set of “Private Parts,” explaining that, between the film’s bathtub scene and the intimate onscreen moments he had with Mary McCormack, he had a hard time controlling himself. Howard went on to say that he enjoyed making out with Mary and feeling her breasts for scenes in “Private Parts” and was depressed when he found out he had to stop those practices once filming for the movie ended.

Shuli, who came into the studio for the rest of the show, mentioned that the Rev. Bob Levy had a rough weekend, noting that he got drunk at two of his standup gigs, and vomited onstage because of it. Shuli said that, while Bob tried to conceal his first bout of throwing up by doing it on the side of the stage, he asked the crowd if they wanted to see him vomit on stage before the second incident. Shuli reported that Bob proceeded to throw up in front of everyone and that he claimed right after he was done that he was going to “clean up his life.” Shuli added that, out of the four shows Bob did during the weekend, he was only able to find one woman who was willing to help him with his “bleu cheese routine.”

Bob called in to say that he was feeling better this morning and that he had “a lot of fun” this past weekend. However, Bob also said that he really does plan on slowing his drinking down, noting that he’s going to try to drink only beer from now on.

When a caller suggested that Robin agree to get on the Sybian if SIRIUS gets 10 million subscribers by a specific date, Howard wondered if she’d be willing to go through with it. After Robin replied that she wouldn’t, Howard pointed out that, since experts predict that only 6 million people will subscribe within the next year, he didn’t think the service would ever be able to get 10 million subscribers by next summer, so she should at least consider the proposal. However, Robin responded that she definitely wouldn’t get on the Sybian in front of everyone, but that she’d consider doing it in a closet if SIRIUS does, in fact, get 10 million subscribers by June 2007. Since Howard insisted that people in the studio would need to be able to see Robin on the Sybian if she agreed to do it, he suggested that she wear a burka while on the machine. Robin again commented, though, that she wouldn’t feel comfortable being on the Sybian in the studio, so she didn’t think she’d be able to come up with a solution that was to Howard’s liking.

Wilmer Valderrama, one of the stars of “That ‘70s Show” as well as the host of the upcoming MTV program, “Yo Momma,” came into the studio to talk about his life. Wilmer reported that he was born in America, but was raised in Venezuela. Given this, Wilmer noted that he didn’t have many friends when he moved back to this country for high school, largely because he didn’t speak much English. Wilmer then mentioned that, in an attempt to fit in better, he joined his school’s theatre department, a move which he said helped him learn the language and land commercials. Wilmer also noted that all the commercials he did was the thing that got him his role as Fez on “That ‘70s Show.”

Wilmer mentioned that he dated Lindsay Lohan for more than a year and that the rumor that he dumped her for Ashlee Simpson wasn’t true. After commenting that he also dated Mandy Moore, Howard pointed out that he thought celebrities might be prejudiced against Wilmer because of his accent. However, Wilmer responded that the movie “Desperado” made Spanish accents and wearing tight jeans cool for a time, which he said helped him with some of his girlfriends. Wilmer added, though, that “getting a sitcom” didn’t hurt him either.

When Wilmer claimed that he took Mandy’s virginity, Howard wondered if sex with her was difficult at first. Wilmer told Howard that the sex was “really good” with Mandy, but also acknowledged that it wasn’t “like warm apple pie.” Wilmer then recalled that he approached Mandy while she was shooting the cover for a magazine and that she agreed to go out with him right away. Wilmer added that he knew Mandy was interested in him when her mother told him that she changed her shirt three times in preparation for their first date.

Howard said that he had a list of women with whom Wilmer allegedly has had sex and wanted his thoughts on each of them. The first name Howard mentioned was Jennifer Love Hewitt, who Wilmer replied “was an eight.” However, Wilmer claimed that the other three girls Howard brought up – Jamie Presley, Rosaria Dawson and Jessica Alba – were just friends of his and that he’s never been physical with any of them.

Because of the number of A-Listers on Wilmer’s list of sexual partners, Howard asked him if he’s well-endowed. Wilmer responded that he’s “been blessed” in that department, before saying that his penis is more than eight inches long. Wilmer went on to report that, when he’s with celebrities, he has two things on his mind: that he can’t believe he’s actually having sex with them and that he has to be sure to perform adequately. Although Wilmer insisted that he’s been rejected by women in the past, he couldn’t remember a specific instance when it happened.

Wilmer noted that his new program, “Yo Momma,” is a “street show” that will feature “rank outs,” whereby contestants will fire insults at each other and the audience picks the winner. Upon hearing this, Howard asked Wilmer if he thought it was a good idea for someone with his kind of lifestyle to risk it all in order to go into tough neighborhoods in order to film “Yo Momma.” Wilmer replied that, because most of his friends come from such places, he feels comfortable going there, so he enjoys it and isn’t afraid.

Robin wondered if Wilmer was ever worried about not being able to perform in bed, but Howard pointed out that he doubted that was a concern of his given the size of his penis. Robin then admitted that she found Wilmer “really good-looking” and that she was getting turned on by him. Artie then informed Robin that, if she needed “to cool down,” she should look at him.

Howard announced that he wanted to play a round of “‘F,’ Marry, Kill” with Wilmer, before presenting him with Mandy Moore, Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Alba. Wilmer told Howard that he’d “F” Lindsay, marry Mandy and kill Jessica, explaining that Jessica was just “too good to be true.” After the next round of the game – where Wilmer said he’d marry Lindsay, “F” Mandy and kill Jennifer Love Hewitt – Artie pointed out that the correct answer was actually that he’d “F” them all and marry none of them.

Wilmer commented that this season’s finale of “That ‘70s Show” will be the program’s last episode, but that, with more than 200 episodes, the show is heading for its second round of syndication. Artie then noted that he thought Wilmer must be worth at least $15 million based on his syndication deal alone, recalling that his agent told him that if “Norm” had reached the 80 episode mark during its run, “he wouldn’t have to work again.” Unfortunately, Artie reported that “Norm” made it to only 54 episodes.

Howard pointed out that, while he realizes he’s lucky that he gets to ride in a limo, he can’t believe how much noise the heater in his limo makes when it’s turned on. To illustrate his point, Howard played a clip of Sal turning on the heater to each of its three settings, low, medium and high, while recording just how loud it is. Following the clip, Gary commented that the heater sounded like the Sybian, while Howard said that he can’t hear over the noise it makes when it’s on. Ronnie the Limo Driver then came into the studio and claimed that, because Howard has a “heavy-duty system” in his limo, it’s supposed to make as much noise as it does. When Ronnie went on to claim that he’s heard similar sounds in other limos, Howard replied that he doubted Ronnie was telling the truth.

Before Jillian Grace and Pilar Lastra, who host their own show on SIRIUS’ Playboy Channel, came into the studio, Howard pointed out that he didn’t think Jillian would be consistently entertaining on radio, seeing as she never had much to say. However, once the girls were seated, Jillian insisted that the only reason she’s so been quiet when she’s been on Howard’s show was because she couldn’t “get a word in edgewise” with him and that she has no problems talking on her own program.

Jillian then reported that she recently broke up with Dave Gallagher from “7th Heaven” and that, after relationships with Gallagher and Pauly Shore before that, she’s decided to date only men who aren’t involved in show business. Jillian also acknowledged that she supplements her income as a Playboy model by working at The Shave in Los Angeles, which she said is a place where men actually come in to have their facial hair removed by women.

Howard brought up that Pilar is a “germophobe,” and that her condition has caused her to implement a “90 day before sex rule” with the men she dates. Pilar responded that she knows men have “loose ends” when they get out of relationships, so one of the reasons she enforces her rule is to avoid having people “ruin her life.” Pilar added, though, that her fear of germs and diseases is the main reason why she won’t sleep with a man until after she’s been dating him for 90 days.

In fact, Pilar admitted that she’s such a hypochondriac that she diagnosed herself as having leukemia based on information she read on the Internet. After Pilar admitted that she found out that she didn’t have any form of cancer, Howard advised her not to rely on diagnosing herself based on information she reads on Websites.

Jillian told Howard that she once witnessed what goes on when women are invited into Hugh Hefner’s bedroom and that she was willing to describe the scene to him. Jillian reported that all the women who plan on having sex with Hef during one of his sessions must first take a bath before entering his bedroom and that there were eight such women in the incident she saw. Jillian said that, once the women were assembled, Hef walked into the room wearing only his pajama top and proceeded to lie down on the middle of the bed while the women surrounded him. Jillian then noted that it seemed like all the women had “specific jobs” when they were with Hef, although she thought most of the women involved were more interested in each other than they were with him. Jillian added that she never caught a glimpse of Hef’s penis, but that a towel was used when the act was finished. Jillian also mentioned that she and the other girls who were in the room but not participating in the event had to strip down to their underwear while watching.

Ralph called in and said that he was ready to “bust” on the girls for their performance on the air, but admitted he liked hearing Jillian’s story. Jillian responded that she’ll talk about anything, but that she needs to be asked about certain topics because she won’t bring them up. Jillian added that, despite Ralph’s insistence that her show with Pilar can’t be any good, they receive plenty of e-mails from fans who enjoy it a great deal.

After both girls refused to get on the Sybian, Ronnie the Limo Driver came into the studio and announced that he listens to their program, but that Pilar “laughs too much” and Jillian “talks too much” for his liking. Howard then suggested that Jillian and Pilar should be more open about their sex lives while on the air and that they shouldn’t shy away from really trying to turn men on during their program.

As Howard finished his interview by asking the girls if they’d ever kissed Hef, Jillian said she has on the cheek, while Pilar replied that she has on the lips. When Pilar also mentioned that she finds Hef physically attractive, Howard asked if she felt the same way about the pope.

Howard commented that one of his dreams when he decided to come to SIRIUS was to bring with him radio personalities he believes are true talents. Howard then announced that he was recently able to do just that, before reintroducing his newest employee, Scott Ferrall. Howard said that Scott, whose show will air from 8 p.m. to midnight on Howard 101, made him “laugh his ass off” during the week of programs he did last month on Howard 100, so he’s thrilled that Scott’s now a part of the SIRIUS team.

Scott assured Howard that, even though he’s had run-ins with many of his former employers, he’ll be on his best behavior at SIRIUS, noting that today was “the greatest day of his broadcasting career.” Scott added that his program will cover all types of stories from across the world and that he’s so excited about the opportunity that he might start drinking again. Scott went on to say that he’s lost weight and sleep since Howard hired him and that he found it extremely difficult to not tell anyone about his new job while his lawyers finalized his deal. Scott also commented that he’s going to be like Moses, because he’ll be bringing all of his fans to SIRIUS with him.

After Scott left the studio, Howard admitted that he didn’t understand his brand of humor after his first broadcast during his trial run, but that, once he caught on, he realized what “a unique talent” Scott is. Artie added that, when he lived in Los Angeles, he used to listen to Scott all the time, so he’s been a fan of his for years.