THE RISE OF THE MACHINES
The Howard Stern Show for March 28, 2006

Howard began the show by mentioning that he forgot Riley Martin’s long-awaited program, “Hello Earth,” was debuting last night, but added that he was able to catch 15 minutes of its replay this morning. A listener called in and reported that he found “Hello Earth” to be “nuts” and “entertaining,” while Howard acknowledged that he enjoyed the portion of the program he heard as well. Howard explained that Riley is “a masterful storyteller,” who really wants people to believe that he was on a spaceship with an alien named Tan. After doing a little of his Riley impression, Howard told Gary that he’ll be able to do a better job promoting SIRIUS shows if people start putting note cards right on his console.

Howard said he logged onto the Stern Fan Network last night and discovered that his fans were divided over Scott Ferrall joining his channels. Howard admitted that most people have to listen to Scott two or three times before they can understand his show, which Robin said she’s just starting to do. Howard responded that he’s thrilled Scott is working for him and thinks people will soon feel the same way. Howard added that, during the part of Scott’s broadcast that he heard last night, Scott was singing along to a Rolling Stones song before quickly changing to different topics.

Howard brought up an article he read from Jacobs Media that announced that 70 percent of his audience decided not to join him at SIRIUS. However, Howard noted that the real story is that 30 percent of his listeners have either signed up for SIRIUS or are in the process of doing so. Howard added that, according to those figures, he’s been able to attract more listeners to satellite than he was predicted to do at this point and has, therefore, already earned back his contract for SIRIUS. Howard went on to say that he no longer cares what’s going on with regular radio, acknowledging that he’s quieted down about his lawsuit lately, but that he’s done so only because he’s waiting to see how certain things pan out before he launches into the next two stages of his plan.

Howard mentioned that when he got home yesterday, Beth told him she was going to the premiere of “Basic Instinct 2.” Howard said that Beth promised she’d “sneak out” of the theater if the movie wasn’t good and, sure enough, she was home in “two minutes.” Artie commented that he heard Sharon Stone got $14 million to appear in “Basic Instinct 2,” which Howard noted was a smart move on her part, especially because he doesn’t think the film will make that much money. When Howard pointed out that there was something about Sharon that he didn’t like, Robin reminded him that she’s done a good deal of charity work in her life, including raising money for AIDS charities, even before it was “in” to do so.

While Lisa G. was in the studio to report on today’s edition of The Howard 100 News, she mentioned Jason and Will’s Stern Show gossip report, Page 69, revealed that Artie has gotten so big that he recently had trouble putting on his seatbelt. Artie admitted that the story was true, but added that he just joined a fast-pitch softball league. Artie went on to say, though, that softball is the one sport where participants can actually gain weight while playing, so he doesn’t think it’ll help his weight problem.

Howard got Matt, the man who was dating Kristy Swanson before she ran off with her “Skating with Celebrities” partner, Lloyd, on the line to talk about his relationship with her. Matt told Howard that he thought Kristy’s decision to be involved with “Skating” signified “a dip” in her career, but also pointed out that, seeing as she paid all his bills, she was doing well for herself financially. Matt then commented that he sensed Kristy and Lloyd were interested in each other while they were taping “Skating,” but it wasn’t until they all went to a comedy club together that he got he got his proof.

Matt explained that, while they were sitting at a table with Lloyd’s pregnant wife, Lloyd put his hand on Kristy’s leg, and kept it there for an extended period of time. Matt added that when he confronted Lloyd about the incident, he replied that he had his hand on Kristy’s leg because she had pulled a muscle while skating earlier in the day.

A caller said that he felt like Matt was lying, while another caller wondered why he’d get on the air and blast Kristy the way he was. After Howard confirmed that Matt actually did date Kristy, Matt noted that he wanted to share his story because he thought it was “pretty f’ing funny.” Matt went on to admit that he was oblivious to other signs that Kristy was cheating with Lloyd, although he knew a card he found written to her by Lloyd was a telltale sign of their affair.

Matt also said that he found Kristy and Lloyd in bed together, which caused their official breakup. Matt recalled that “Skating” had just finished taping one night, and Lloyd and Kristy were out celebrating at a hotel. Matt commented that he went to the hotel where the two were partying and asked the desk clerk for a keycard to Kristy’s room. Matt explained that, since the desk clerk knew who he was, he was given the keycard, but that it didn’t work. Matt added that, when the desk clerk gave him a replacement keycard, he noticed that the desk clerk picked up a phone. Matt then reported that, when he got to Kristy’s room, he heard her talking on the phone to the desk clerk, followed by “scuffling noises” as though she was trying to organize the room. Matt also said that when he heard the hotel room’s sliding door open, he went outside and found Lloyd trying to sneak out of the room.

Gary asked Matt if he has had sex with Kristy since they broke up and he admitted he has. Ralph called in and wondered what the craziest thing that Matt ever did with Kristy was. Matt responded that Kristy not only “liked to puke while he skull f’ed her in the shower,” but that she also used to “toss his salad.” Howard told Matt that he wanted to have him on the show again to discuss this topic further, but that he had to get off the line because his next guest was ready to come into the studio.

When Chris Kattan sat down, he told Howard that he’s been off of “Saturday Night Live” for three years and that the transition after being on the show for eight years was “weird” at first. However, Chris said he was able to adapt to his new schedule and that he now prefers it to the one he used to keep at “SNL.” Chris explained that he’s been starring in movies as of late and that, once he’s done filming, he gets to take extended breaks which he devotes to writing.

Chris mentioned that his newest movie, “Adam and Steve,” is an independent film that focuses on a homosexual couple. Chris quickly added, though, that he doesn’t play one of the movie’s gay characters and that his girlfriend in the film is Parker Posey. Chris then pointed out that people often think he’s gay, and that they’re surprised when they find out he isn’t. When Howard wondered if Chris ever had sex with any of the hosts of “SNL” while he was on the program, he claimed that he didn’t, even though he said that he “made out” with a few of them. However, Chris informed Howard that he wouldn’t reveal the names of any of his kissing partners.

Chris commented that he decided to leave “SNL” because he got tired of repeatedly playing the same characters. Howard then brought up that Chris is dating a model named Sunshine Tutt. Chris responded that he and Sunshine have been together for about a year and that he never was able to get girls who were as attractive as her when he was in high school. In fact, Chris mentioned that, when he was young, girls used to tell him that he was the kind of guy they’d want to marry, but that he wasn’t the type they wanted sexually. Chris joked that he thinks his father is jealous of Sunshine, explaining that he doesn’t understand why he can’t get such good-looking women.

Howard read a list of women Chris allegedly dated in the past, including Jennifer Coolidge, also known as “Stiffler’s Mom.” Chris recalled that he dated Jennifer 15 years ago and that she was even more attractive then than she is now. After Chris admitted that he once had his “salad tossed” by a woman, Gary came into the studio and announced that Chris had to leave for another interview he had lined up. However, before he left, Gary pointed out that Chris used to date Jennifer Coolidge, a fact which Chris mentioned Howard had already covered.

Gary announced that Sal made a disturbing remark this morning about Howard. Gary reported that Sal told him today that Howard needs to shave his chest and that he’s been noticing it for weeks. This led Howard to point out that he’s convinced Sal would perform oral sex on him if he asked for it. Sal came into the studio and said that he feels Howard is “beyond male” and that people follow him the way others follow Jesus. Sal added, though, that his attraction to Howard isn’t sexual in nature, so he wouldn’t have sex of any kind with him.

Robin brought up that she’s been thinking about hosting a get-together at her house and she’s been contemplating whether or not to invite Sal. Howard replied that he likes Sal and finds him funny, but that he’d feel more comfortable at Robin’s party if Sal isn’t there. Howard added that he usually thinks Sal’s antics are harmless, but that he was “really creeped out” by his chest comment. Robin then said that her mind was made up, she won’t be asking Sal to her party.

As Howard was playing some clips, he asked Benjy if he could stop eating for even a minute during the show. Fred then noted that Benjy was drinking a carton of soy milk this morning that was so big that it was meant to be consumed by an entire family in a week’s time. After Artie said that he thinks Benjy is copying his overeating habits just to get attention, Fred showed Howard how big the container of salt Benjy was using was as well. Howard responded that he’s been hearing too much of Benjy as of late and, to make matters worse, people have also started complaining that Benjy seems to show up in the background of every studio shot on Howard TV.

Howard had a woman named Tomcat, her assistant, Michael and three porn stars into the studio to demonstrate some sex machines they brought with them. Tomcat said that the machines aren’t for sale, but that the girls showcase on her Website what the machines do.

Harmony was the first porn star Howard addressed. Harmony commented that she’s been in more than 300 pornos in the past two years, and that she’s sampled all the machines that were in the studio this morning. When Harmony mentioned that she’s able to accommodate two penises in the same “place” at the same time, Gary wondered if it’s “gay” for two men to have their genitals touching, to which Artie responded, “Yes, move on.” Harmony went on to say that she was promiscuous at a young age, before admitting that she won’t do interracial scenes in her films. Harmony insisted, though, that the reason she doesn’t have sex with black men on film doesn’t have to do with her being prejudiced because she’s had sex with black men off film, but that she simply doesn’t have time to do so.

The next porn star, Dana, claimed that she’s “a nerd,” and that men don’t approach her when she goes out. Dana also said that she loves being in porn, explaining that, even though she looks innocent, she’s actually “a dirty whore.” Dana then told Howard that she enjoys being tied up during sex, before showing him her natural breasts.

Annie was the final porn star in the studio, and she told Howard that she has “a durable p*ssy and ass.” To illustrate her point, Annie noted that she once had sex with nine guys at the same time in her private life and that the session lasted from 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. Annie added that, when she was a freshman in college, she and her boyfriend couldn’t find a secluded place to have sex, so they ended up doing it in a convent that was located on the school’s campus.

Howard asked the women if there was any romance in their lives, to which Annie replied that she prefered sex to being wined and dined. Annie went on to say that she had sex with only two boys in high school, but that she opened up more in college, where she did it with 64 men. Annie also said that she’ll now “f’ anything with a c*ck,” and that she definitely would’ve had sex with Howard if they were in college together, regardless of what he looked like.

Annie brought up that she’s been “fisted” in her back door by Harmony, while Harmony said that she’s also been “fisted” by Annie. Given this, Howard wondered if the women were turned on by the SIRIUS logo, which they said they were. Dana then commented that she’s mostly into women and that she, too, likes to be “fisted.”

Tomcat announced that Annie would first be demonstrating the “Lick a Chick,” which she explained is a sex machine that was made from a Milwaukee Power Drill attached to a chain saw. As Annie was using the “Lick a Chick,” Gary pointed out that she really had an orgasm and that he knew it because he got “squirted” on his face and in his eye. Gary then pointed out that he wanted to go to a hospital, reminding Howard that Annie admitted to having had sex with 64 men in college alone. Despite his concern, Annie assured Gary that she’s been tested for diseases and that she’s clean. When Gary admitted that he was genuinely upset that he wasn’t given a warning before Annie “finished,” she acknowledged that she should’ve told him before she started that she’s known for “squirting.”

Artie told Annie that he used to work with a Milwaukee Power Drill, so he wanted to operate the machine while she was on it. After Annie had her second orgasm, Artie noted that he was going to “boil” his hands.

Tomcat noted that the next machine, “The Trespasser,” was nothing more than “a modified cake mixer” and that Harmony would use it while Dana was “driving it.” While using the machine, Harmony kept demanding that Dana increase its speed, which eventually led to it jamming up. Harmony responded to the event by commenting that she was close to having an orgasm when the machine broke down, and that it usually doesn’t take her as long as it did today to “finish” because of the ability of “The Trespasser” “to hit right were it needs to hit.”

For the third demonstration, Tomcat said that Dana would be using “The F’ Saw.” Upon seeing the machine, Howard wondered if it was safe, but Dana told him she’s used it many times before, and that it was fine. Since Gary was in charge of operating the saw, he asked Dana if there was a chance she’d produce the same result as Annie, to which she replied she’d be as surprised as him if she did. After Dana was done with “The F’ Saw,” Howard asked her if she was okay, noting that she was shaking. However, Dana told Howard that she felt “fantastic,” and that “The F’ Saw” was “one of her faves.”

After the demonstrations, Howard went around the room to get everyone’s reaction to what had just happened. Artie commented that the demonstrations were the most “extraordinary” things he’d ever seen, while Benjy questioned if Annie would really be willing to have sex with just anyone as she claimed earlier. When Annie confirmed this, Fred noted that he’ll now have to pray for power outages because, based on the machines and the responses they got from the women, he didn’t think men will be needed in the bedroom anymore. As Gary agreed with Fred’s point, Robin mentioned that she thought Dana was going to get hurt because of the way her body was vibrating while using “The F’ Saw.” Will then added that there was no way for Robin to have realized just how much power was going through the saw and that he was shocked Annie wasn’t injured as well.

Howard proceeded to take a number of phone calls about the girls’ appearance. Following one caller’s remark that Gary wouldn’t have gotten hit in the face had he been wearing his beekeeper’s mask, Ralph got on the line and admitted that the girls sounded too wild even for him. This led Harmony to say that she doesn’t understand the double-standard that exists in today’s society that states it’s okay for men to enjoy wild sex, but women aren’t allowed to do the same. A final caller told Howard that he’ll never be able to walk through Home Depot the same way again after hearing today’s broadcast.

As Howard was preparing for a commercial, he noted that Annie was using “The Magic Wand” on herself, culminating in a final squirt. Tomcat then presented the wand to Howard as a way of thanking him for allowing her and her employees on the show.

When the show got back from the break, Gange told Howard that, as he was bending over to plug in one of the machines, he got hit on the cheek with the just used-dildo on “The Trespasser.” After Artie admitted that he felt “a splatter” on his hands while assisting Annie on “The Lick-a-Chick,” Howard mentioned that he was looking at his “miserable, shriveled unit” while urinating during the commercial and was convinced that he’s never been able to satisfy a woman with it, especially when compared to what he had just witnessed. Artie then pointed out that if Howard really is God the way Sal insists he is, he thought he would’ve given himself a bigger penis.