TORI TIME
The Howard Stern Show for March 30, 2006

Howard began the show by commenting that he’s been trying to lose the 10 pounds he gained recently by working out, but that his regimen has caused him to have problems with his voice the past few days. Although Artie pointed out that Howard’s weight looked the same to him, Robin told Artie that she knows Howard’s extra weight is “driving him crazy.” Howard added that, unlike Artie, who he said has put on his weight because of his unhealthy diet, he’s actually gotten heavier by eating healthy food, just too much of it.

Howard said that he heard a replay of yesterday’s roast of Daniel Carver and he now thinks it was the best of the three ceremonies the show has held. Howard mentioned that the comics who didn’t seem to be prepared for the event were interesting to him on the replay and that Daniel actually had some good lines himself. When Howard said that there was “a realness” to the roast, Artie agreed and recalled that Earthquake, who was sitting next to him at the roast, looked like he wanted to beat Daniel every time he said the n-word.

Robin responded to Howard’s remark by asking why no one else seemed to enjoy the roast. Howard told Robin that she needs to hear the roast again before making her final decision about it, adding that it “wasn’t good, it was great.” After Fred acknowledged that a number of e-mails the show received echoed Howard’s thoughts about the roast, Robin noted that, since she felt “physically ill” following yesterday’s program, she didn’t know if she’d be able to sit through it again.

Artie pointed out that the one person he didn’t find funny at all during yesterday’s roast was Angry Black, who he noted went out of his way to insult the two female comedians on the dais, Judy Gold and Lisa Lampanelli. Howard replied that he didn’t know how Angry got into the studio and found out that the Rev. Bob Levy, who organized the roast, put him on the guest list. However, Artie mentioned that he heard a different story, one in which Angry insisted to Bob that Howard actually wanted him in the studio for the ceremony. Ronnie then came into the studio and explained that, even though he didn’t know how it happened, Angry was on the list, so he allowed him to attend the roast.

Howard got the Rev. Bob Levy on the line and apologized to him for his initial reaction to Daniel’s roast. Bob replied that the ceremony “was a weird thing and sh*t doesn’t always go well,” but Howard assured him that the roast went much better than he thought it did. Howard went on to note, though, that he wanted to ask the black comedians why they didn’t have better material prepared, seeing as they were going to be face to face with a KKK member. Artie backed up Howard’s observation, adding that, five minutes before his set, Earthquake turned to him and asked if he had a piece of paper so he could write down some jokes. Bob then said that he wants “to do it right” for the next roast and reported that Artie will probably be the next honoree. When Bob said that he’s only going to book comedians who know the show for Artie’s roast, Artie suggested that David Spade and Norm MacDonald might be interested in participating.

Gary the Retard and his girlfriend, Jennifer, called into the show to discuss their relationship. Jennifer told Howard that she’s smart, even though she didn’t graduate from high school and, at 5’7”, she weighs 160 pounds. Howard then wondered why Jennifer spent time in jail recently, which she said was because she wrote one bad check. When Jennifer claimed that “everyone was doing it at the time,” Robin asked her who she knew who was engaging in such behavior. Jennifer responded that she used to hang out with drug addicts, but that she’s since cleaned up her life.

Jennifer noted that she’s known Gary for 13 years and they’ve been dating for the past few years. Jennifer admitted that, when she first met Gary, she never envision herself being with him, but that she now loves him. After Jennifer pointed out that one of the qualities about Gary that she likes most is his tendency “to say smart things that blow her away,” Artie commented that he found it hard to believe that Gary possesses such an ability.

Jennifer claimed that she and Gary do really have a sexual relationship and that, because of his lack of experience, he didn’t last very long at first. However, Jennifer also said that Gary’s “gotten better” over time, even though he still hasn’t been able to bring her to orgasm. Upon hearing that Jennifer refuses to have oral sex with Gary, Howard had Jennifer give the phone to Gary, and told him to demand that Jennifer use her mouth on him while they were on the air. Because Jennifer refused to do it, Robin commented that she didn’t think Gary and Jennifer were actually physical with each other. Artie added that he got the feeling Jennifer was setting Gary up, a statement Robin agreed with.

Jennifer then got back on the line and insisted that she’s not operating a scam and that she’s in love with Gary. To illustrate her point, Jennifer said she’d make out with Gary on the air, but, after allegedly making out with him, Howard pointed out it sounded to him like she was eating an apple.

After Jennifer brought up that she has two children, both of whom live with her aunt and uncle, she told Howard she’d love to come into the studio with Gary in the future. However, Jennifer also reported that she’d have to first clear the trip with her parole officer, because she’s on parole until November.

Phil Mushnick, the New York Post reporter who recently wrote an article about Howard, called into the show to talk about his piece. Howard explained that, even though he’s never implied to be such a thing, Phil’s story said that he isn’t “a crusader,” while also comparing his fight for free speech to that of Larry Flynt.

Phil then explained that he read a story in the New York Times that supposedly praised Howard for his appearance earlier this month on “Late Show with David Letterman.” However, Howard told Phil that the story to which he was referring wasn’t overly complimentary to him, before adding that any positive press he’s received as of late has been because people realize the lawsuit he’s facing is frivolous, and not because they’re standing up for him personally. Howard also acknowledged that some members of the press were complimentary about his “Late Show” appearance because of the remarks he made about Dan Rather, but that those remarks reflected more on their feelings toward Dan than it did on him.

Phil responded that he didn’t take shots at Howard in his article, but instead focused on the way the media have “portrayed him as a First Amendment rights crusader.” Phil proceeded to say that he’s written in support of Dan Rather in the past, as well as for Howard himself. Phil admitted, though, that all he did to supposedly “stand up” for Howard was criticize certain radio stations for playing Don Imus promos in the middle of baseball games.

When Phil went on to say that he no longer finds the show funny since its move to SIRIUS, Howard dismissed his opinion after finding out that Phil hasn’t actually heard any of his satellite broadcasts.

Howard got ophthalmologist, Dr. Julie Miller, on the phone to discuss what could potentially happen to Gary after he was hit in the eye by a liquid that came out of porn star, Annie, during Tuesday’s show. Dr. Miller reported that the odds of Gary contracting HIV because of the incident are “low,” explaining that the eye has a layer of skin covering it to prevent viruses from penetrating it. However, Dr. Miller advised that it wouldn’t hurt Gary to get an HIV test just to ease his mind.

Gary mentioned that he always uses condoms when he has sex with his wife, and that he prefers that form of contraception over getting a vasectomy. Howard added that he’d never go through with that procedure either, because he wouldn’t want the doctors involved seeing his penis. Howard added that he’s heard that people who’ve had vasectomies also have a higher rate of prostate cancer, which he said is another reason he’s not interested in the operation.

Gary commented that he had his own embarrassing run-in with a doctor, recalling that he once got a rash by his “crotch,” and that the doctor who treated him was an attractive woman. Gary then reported that he’s become friends with his urologist, which he noted is difficult when the doctor is examining his private areas. Howard pointed out, though, that he’s seen Gary naked, and that he must be comfortable undressing in front of his doctors because of the size of his penis. This led Howard to wonder how “big” Artie was. Artie replied that he doesn’t think he’s as small as Howard claims to be, but that he’s “no Mark the Bagger” either.

Howard had Tori Spelling in the studio to talk about her new VH1 comedy, “So noTORIous.” As soon as Tori walked in, Howard commented that her breasts looked great, while Robin mentioned that “the girls were out.” Tori responded that she didn’t mind Howard’s remarks, explaining that she wouldn’t have worn the provocative top she had on if she didn’t want him looking at them.

Tori then said that, although “So noTORIous” is based on her life, there are some aspects of it that aren’t true. To illustrate her point, Tori said that her real-life mother doesn’t have an eBay room like her television mom, played by Lonnie Anderson, has on the program. Tori went on to report that she’s read her father is worth $400 million, and that both of her parents are still speaking to her, despite some of the scenes in “So noTORIous.”

Tori reported that her first wedding, which she said cost less than $1 million, was held at her parents’ mansion, and that many of her “90210” co-stars like, Jason Priestly, Tiffany Amber Thiessen, Ian Ziering and Jennie Garth were among those in attendance. However, Tori added that, soon after getting married, she met an actor named Dean McDermott on the set of a movie they were filming, “Mind Over Murder” and that she immediately knew he was her soul mate. Tori added that she left her husband in order to have a relationship with Dean and that he also divorced his wife to be with her.

Tori claimed that she was never physical with Dean while she was still married, before pointing out that, she broke the news to her then husband with her psychiatrist present – which Howard thought was a brilliant strategy. Tori also mentioned that her parents weren’t thrilled with her decision to leave her husband for Dean and that they haven’t met the new guy yet, even though they’re now engaged.

Tori reported that Dean is so in love with her that he got a tattoo of her face on his back, as well as one that reads “Truly Deeply Madly Tori” on his arm. After Artie stated that he’d get a tattoo of “a hot chick who’s dad has $400,000,000” too if he were Dean, Tori said that she wants to get a tattoo to honor Dean, but can’t decide where she’ll put it. Tori then commented that Dean and his ex-wife adopted a child a month before their marriage ended and that he has a seven-year-old biological son with her as well.

Tori said that Dean is a big fan of Howard’s and that he didn’t accompany her this morning because he was flying into New York at that very moment. When Howard asked Tori if she considered her first husband her soul mate when they got married, she insisted she didn’t have the same feelings toward him as she does Dean. In fact, Tori said that she’s so in love with Dean that she’ll do anything with him sexually and wouldn’t deny (or confirm) that she’s ever “tossed his salad.”

Howard recalled that Tori once told a censored version of when she joined the mile-high club and asked her to give out some more details about the experience. However, after Tori acknowledged that the event took place, she told Howard she didn’t think Dean would appreciate hearing about her sexual encounters with other men, so she didn’t want to talk about it. Artie then pointed out that one tape he was upset that the show lost to KROCK was when Tori said the capital of New York is New Jersey. Tori replied that she now knows the capital of New York is Albany and that it’s a fact she’ll never forget thanks to the show.

As soon as Howard’s next guest, Darrell Hammond, came into the studio, Howard pointed out that he looked “manorexic.” Darrell responded that he stopped eating sugar and flour for a while in an attempt to lose weight and that the weight “fell off pretty fast” because of his diet. However, Darrell added that, since he doesn’t want to get any thinner, he can see himself resorting back to his old eating habits and “getting fat again.”

Darrell announced that he’s currently in his eleventh season on “Saturday Night Live,” but that he doesn’t expect his run to go on much longer. Darrell also reported that he sometimes feels embarrassed that he hasn’t landed a big movie deal or gotten his own sitcom like so many of his “SNL” alums have, but that he also enjoys working on the show a great deal. Darrell went on to say that, because he’s been on “SNL” for so long, he has an accommodating work schedule, and that he earns “great money,” which he acknowledged were great incentives for him to stay.

Howard pointed out that Darrell sometimes comes off as depressed to him, and Darrell admitted the fact that he doesn’t have a woman in his life has been bringing him down as of late. Howard proceeded to read a list of the celebrities Darrell impersonates – including Al Gore, Rudy Giuliani, Jay Leno and Barney Fife – and Darrell did some of their voices. After Darrell also performed Artie’s favorite impression of his, which is Darrell’s Jesse Jackson, Howard wondered if Darrell would be interested in doing an hour-long program on Howard 100 that features just his impersonations. Darrell responded that, as long as Howard promoted the broadcast, he’d be willing to do it.

Darrell admitted that he had a cocaine problem years ago that lasted four months and that he developed it because he “was a drunk.” This led Artie to comment that he could relate to Darrell’s situation, before talking about his worst experience buying cocaine. Artie recalled that he was doing a sketch called “Babe Watch” for “Mad TV” at the time, and that he was in an elaborate pig costume for it. Artie then said that, between shoots, he left the lot to find his dealer, who asked what “kind of sh*t he was into” because he was still in full costume. Artie added that, after he explained to his dealer that he was on television and was getting ready to film a sketch, he ended up sniffing cocaine off a key through his prosthetic pig snout on his way back to the studio.

Upon hearing Artie’s story, Darrell noted that the most embarrassing thing he ever did while on cocaine was “trying to pick up Asian chicks” with $200 in quarters.

Because Darrell expressed interest in finding a woman, Robin wondered if Howard could have Beth fix him up with one of her friends. Howard responded that since Beth doesn’t have many female friends that probably wouldn’t be an option, but that he thought Penny Crone and Darrell would make a nice couple. Penny came into the studio and said that she finds Darrell “hot” on “SNL,” before telling Howard that she wasn’t married. However, Gary then entered the studio and asked who the man was that Penny introduced as her husband to him last week. Penny acknowledged that she knows a man whom she sometimes passes off as her spouse, but that they’re not really married. Penny continued attempting to hit Darrell by sticking her fist into her mouth, but Howard noted he didn’t think Darrell was into her.

Darrell brought up that he’s performed in front of President Clinton, as well as both Bushes. Darrell added that he’s sometimes paid for these routines, but that he usually does them because he’s honored to be in the presence of the presidents, regardless of their politics. Darrell also admitted that he gets nervous when performing for such important people and noted that he recently made a joke in front of the first Pres. Bush about Dan Quayle never shooting anyone that he regretted making after the fact.

Robin announced that her nephew, Anthony, would be sitting in for the news this morning. Howard referred to Anthony as “a genius,” explaining that he not only attends MIT, but also has a summer internship lined up with NASA. After Artie recalled that he once “got a headache” after reading an e-mail filled with “big words” that Anthony had sent Robin, Howard found out that part of Anthony’s summer job will involve making robots. When Howard questioned him if any of the robots he was working on were of a sexual nature, Anthony told him that he couldn’t say much about the robots because they were being funded by the government. Following Anthony’s explanation, Gary noted that he sounded like “a smart JD” because of how nervous he was while talking.

Mike Walker of the National Enquirer called in for this week’s round of The Gossip Game. According to the contest’s rules, Mike tells four gossip stories, only three of which are allegedly true. Everyone then tries to guess which report is false. After Howard played more song parodies using the tape Richard got of Mike passing wind, Mike discussed the following stories:

(1) Drew Lachey fell asleep in a massage chair at a store and stayed that way for two hours.

(2) Keira Knightley tried on a gown, had it altered and then demanded she be given lunch before deciding she didn’t want the gown after all.

(3) Clint Eastwood picks up garbage on the beach by his house and has lectured people who leave their trash behind.

(4) Mickey Rooney was spotted checking out of a grocery with Preparation H and two boxes of Magnum condoms.

Howard commented that he thought the fake story was the second one, as did Artie. However, Mike revealed that Robin and Fred were this week’s winners because their pick of the Drew Lachey story being false was correct.