“HELLO CARLO”
The Howard Stern Show for March 9, 2006

Howard kicked off the show saying that he felt better, but he was still sweating through his bed at night. When Howard noted that the sweat was disgusting because he has to change his clothes throughout the night due to their dampness, Robin replied that his symptoms don’t sound like those of someone who’s really getting better. Artie then mentioned that he “can’t shake” his illness, and that he still feels like “sh*t.” Artie explained that he had a fever last night, but since he’s “packing in the Tylenol,” he’s able to mask his sickness well enough to sleep. Robin then pointed out that she had chills and a fever recently, but that she felt better after a week.

Howard kicked off the show saying that he felt better, but he was still sweating through his bed at night. When Howard noted that the sweat was disgusting because he has to change his clothes throughout the night due to their dampness, Robin replied that his symptoms don’t sound like those of someone who’s really getting better. Artie then mentioned that he “can’t shake” his illness, and that he still feels like “sh*t.” Artie explained that he had a fever last night, but since he’s “packing in the Tylenol,” he’s able to mask his sickness well enough to sleep. Robin then pointed out that she had chills and a fever recently, but that she felt better after a week.

Robin mentioned that James Blunt of “You’re Beautiful” fame was on Oprah yesterday and that he made for one of the most boring interviews she’d ever seen. After Howard pointed out how glad he was they hadn’t booked James on the show recently, Gary came into the studio and commented that he saw the video for “You’re Beautiful” and that it features James stripping on a beach. However, Gary admitted that once James removed his shirt, he “bailed,” so he wasn’t able to figure out the video’s purpose. This led Howard to say that he would’ve liked it if James had put his leg up on a counter during the video and began shaving his “taint.” In fact, Howard was so taken with that idea that he decided that this was the movie he was going to submit at next month’s The Howard Stern Film Festival.

Howard read an article in today’s New York Post that states his replacement at KROCK, David Lee Roth, has been advised to make his show more like Howard’s. According to the article, Howard said that David has been told to conform his show to 35-year-old white males who listen to Lynyrd Skynyrd and that he’ll soon be getting a woman co-host who will read the news. However, Howard noted that David’s response to the second announcement was that his program will be getting its own Robin Quivers.

Howard again commented that David will need at least a year in order to get an audience and that it’s too early in his radio career to accurately judge his performance in the ratings. Artie then brought up that he read Howard will be on “Late Show with David Letterman” on Monday. Howard acknowledged that the report is true, but that he didn’t want to discuss the topic until tomorrow. However, Howard did say that the plan to be on “Late Show” is a masterpiece, because CBS will have to either cancel his appearance or let him on one of its programs, even though the heads of the company are suing him.

Howard reported that Beth has been upset because she didn’t get the “good” gift basket from the Entertainment Weekly Oscars party she attended on Sunday. Artie replied that most of the products in the basket he received from the event were designed for women, so he gave his basket to his mother. Artie went on to say that the only event he’s ever attended whose organizers gave away “manly” gifts was the Donald Trump roast. To illustrate his point, Artie recalled that, although he wasn’t paid for his efforts at the roast, he received gifts like a “You’re Fired” t-shirt, which he admitted he gave to JD. Howard replied that the gift was a nice one for Artie, because it meant he didn’t have to go out and buy the shirt on his own.

Upon hearing how extravagant the gift baskets are at the Oscars and the Sundance Film Festival, Howard noted that he’s putting down his foot and not giving away anything at The Howard Stern Film Festival.

Howard commented that he can’t believe Cliff Palette passed away on Tuesday, especially because he had spoken to him on the air just hours before his death. Robin then pointed out that as ill and in pain as Cliff was that morning, he didn’t complain about his condition. After playing clips of his discussion with Cliff from Tuesday, as well as the interview Shuli conducted with him that day, Howard played Fred’s tribute to Cliff, a song called “Poor Cliff Palette’s Passed Away” which was sung to the tune of the Beatles’ “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away.”

Artie commented that George Flowers has started leaving diet advice for him in the studio every morning. Artie read some of the tips from the literature that George has given him, which included that Artie should determine how many calories he consumes each day, and then subtract 500 calories from that total in order to reach his “magic number.” When Artie got to the recommendation that he set a target weight for himself, Howard asked him how much he weighs, and what his ideal weight is. Artie responded that he currently tips the scale at 260 pounds, and that he’s almost at his ideal weight of 265 pounds. Artie went on to read another tip, which suggested he weigh himself every morning “after eliminating and before eating.” Artie then noted that the word “sh*tting” sounds much less disgusting to him as a way to describe moving his bowels than “eliminating” does.

A caller said she couldn’t listen to last night’s premiere of Eric the Midget’s “The American Idol Wrap Up Show” because it was so bad. After playing a clip of the program, Howard admitted that he would’ve tuned out after just a few seconds. Howard added that Brian Dunkleman, who was also on the show with three of his friends, took too much control over the program and didn’t let Eric perform his hosting duties. Howard then played clips from the broadcast of Richard asking Eric on the phone how big his “midget c*ck” is, and Gary the Retard calling in to harass Eric.

Ralph got on the line and reported that Brian’s performance on the show ruined it for him, and that he would’ve preferred to have heard Eric struggle to get through the entire hour alone. Tim Sabean, the program director for Howard’s SIRIUS channels, came into the studio and admitted that he originally wanted Brian to take charge of the show in order to keep it going, but added that, after a short period of time, he insisted that Brian not talk as much. However, Ralph replied that, as soon as Tim laid down this rule, Brian stopped talking altogether, which he didn’t think made for good listening either. Given this, Howard announced that Eric needs to be given another chance on the air and that the next time he has to host the program by himself.

Gianni Russo, the actor best known for his role as Carlo Rizzi in “The Godfather,” came into the studio to talk about his new book, as well as his many exploits with famous women. As soon as Gianni sat down, Howard pointed out that Lisa G.’s observation that Gianni was wearing a heavy amount of cologne was true. Gianni joked that since Italians don’t shower, they have to do something to hide their body odor. Gianni then mentioned that “The Godfather” came out 35 years ago this month, which led Artie to do a scene with Gianni from the film. Gianni went on to say that, although he was never officially in the mob, he had connections to it through his great-grandfather.

Although Gianni denied ever having direct ties to the mafia, he admitted that he killed two brothers in the late 1980s. Gianni recalled that he owned a casino at the time and that one of its patrons had attacked a woman with a broken champagne bottle. Gianni said that, since no one else in the casino was brave enough to confront the man, he had to approach him in order to save the woman’s life. Gianni reported that, when he went up to the man, he proceeded to cut Gianni’s throat and stomach with the bottle. Despite his injuries, Gianni claimed that, in a calm voice, he pointed his gun at the guy’s head and asked, “Do you want to walk out of here or go out in a black bag?” Gianni then said that the man replied “f*ck you,” to which Gianni shot him two times in the head.

Gianni explained that his victim was Columbian and that one rule amongst Columbian gangsters is to avenge the deaths of their family members. Gianni commented that when he got word that the man’s brother was after him, he turned to John Gotti. Gianni said that John advised him to go to the Dominican Republic to talk about his problem with former Panamanian leader, Manuel Noriega, who in turn told Gianni to talk to Pablo Escobar, a former Columbian drug lord. Gianni remembered that he met Pablo in a church and that the fact that Pablo recognized him from “The Godfather” was probably the only reason he wasn’t killed on the spot.

Gianni noted that Pablo assured him that the brother of the victim was a troublemaker and that he’d “take care of it.” However, Gianni said that, a few weeks later, he saw the brother in a club and quickly learned that he was carrying a gun. Gianni went on to tell how he dragged the brother into a back room of the club and beat him so badly that his ribs punctured his lungs. Gianni added that, after the beating, he discovered the man had photographs of his children with him at the time, which he took as a sign that he planned on killing them as well.

Since they were on the subject of Gianni’s children, Gary pointed out that he allegedly has 11 of them with 10 different women and that there are three additional paternity suits pending. Gianni acknowledged that what Gary said was true and that his children range in age from 13-43. Gianni then noted, though, that he’s only been involved with women who were financially well off, so he hasn’t been forced to pay much money for child support. Gianni added that he’s close to some of his kids, but that he hasn’t even met others. Gianni added that he has children located all over the word, which he claimed has made it difficult for him to keep in touch with all of his offspring.

Gianni revealed that he’s working on an autobiography, “Godfathers, Popes and Presidents,” and that part of the book will focus on the time he’s spent with Bill Clinton. Gianni commented that Bill is more charismatic than anyone he’s ever known and that women are immediately drawn to him whenever he walks into a room. Gianni went on to claim that, when he was 16, he had a weekend-long affair with Marilyn Monroe. Gianni explained that he was working as a hair-washer at the time and Marilyn became a regular client of his. Gianni said that, although he and Marilyn became friendly with each other, it wasn’t until she requested he come to her hotel room one Saturday afternoon that he became physical with her. Gianni noted that Marilyn, who he said was in her 20s at the time, greeted him at the door and that, although she wasn’t as thin as most supposedly attractive women today, she was “movie-star clean” and good in bed.

Gianni acknowledged that he’s been with several other famous women as well, including Dionne Warwick and Liza Minnelli. However, Gianni added that his one date with John Gotti’s daughter, Victoria, didn’t go quite as smoothly as most of his others. Gianni recalled that he was set up with Victoria as part of her reality show, “Growing Up Gotti,” but that when she heard him singing as she walked into a restaurant for their date, she walked out of the establishment. Gianni added, though, that his performance still aired on the program, which helped him promote the CD he had just released.

Howard mentioned that he stopped by Sal and Richard’s office before the show this morning and learned that Richard had made Sal throw up yesterday. Richard came into the studio to tell how Sal began shoving a wet-wipe that he had just used on his bottom in his face, and that, since he knows Sal’s “Achilles heel is boogers,” he pulled one out of his nose and threatened him with it. Richard continued that Sal then dared him a dollar to eat it and that, when he did, Sal vomited into a trash can. When Howard wondered how Richard could eat such a thing, he replied that he didn’t have a problem with it seeing as it came out of his own body.

Howard played some clips of the second part of his interview with Sean Hannity that aired last night on Fox. In the first clip, Howard talked about how important his children are to him and that he values his relationship with them over anything else. Following the tape, Howard explained that his kids have always had the ability to pull him out of his work mode and that they’re the main reason he gets pleasure out of life. Robin agreed that Howard’s kids are good at bringing perspective to situations and recalled that, when they had been fired from WNBC and she was feeling worthless because of it, it was the hug she received from one of Howard’s daughters that made her feel better about life.

In the second clip, Howard and Sean discussed God and religion. During the talk, Howard admitted that he has a problem believing that a magical being who watches over everyone actually exists. But that’s he’s too afraid of saying that God doesn’t exist out of fear of what will happen to him if He actually does. After the tape, Howard mentioned that he can be convinced either way on the topic of God and that, outside of radio, his beliefs in general are “very wishy-washy.”

Bob Schimmel and his daughter, Jess, made their satellite debuts with the show this morning. Jess told Howard that she’s not working at the moment and has therefore thought about becoming a massage therapist who provides clients with “happy endings.” Jess acknowledged that she doesn’t think she’s very good at providing hand relief, but that, at $100 an hour, she’d try to improve her skills. This led Howard to comment that, if he were a woman, he’d actually consider using his hand on men if it meant he could earn $100 a pop. However, Jess replied that she was just kidding about being willing to perform the act, before adding that she really is desperate to find a real job.

As Bob refuted Howard’s claim that some people think he’s a “clean comedian” by talking about his ex-wife’s refusal to give him oral sex during their marriage, Bob’s cell phone began ringing. After looking at the name of the caller, Bob reported that it was his ex-wife trying to reach him and that he was sure she was listening to what he was saying about her. When Howard said that he was happy that Bob’s ex-wife was a SIRIUS subscriber, Jess told him that his ex-wife, who’s also her mother, received her SIRIUS system from her boyfriend for Christmas.

After Jess commented that her parents will never get along with each other regardless of how much time passes, Howard said that Bob is one of the darkest comedians he’s ever known. To illustrate his point, Howard noted that Bob still makes jokes about his son, who passed away years ago at the age of 11. Bob responded that what Howard said is true, before mentioning that he told the Make-a-Wish Foundation that his son’s dying wish was to watch Dolly Parton “blow his dad.” Howard responded that, at the very least, Bob’s son provided him with a few minutes of good material for his act during his short life.

Jess told Howard that she’s been contemplating moving back to Los Angeles, but that she doesn’t want to leave New York without having had sex with someone from the city. Jess went on to explain that she’s lived in New York for a year, but that the only sex partner she’s had in that span was a friend of hers who flew in from California to see her. Jess added that she’s going to Los Angeles next week for a visit and that she already has a sex-date lined up with one of her friends while she’s there.

Bob recalled that he wanted to share a trick that he once played on his dog, Charlie. Bob told that, after Charlie moved his bowels in the backyard, he collected the feces and put it on his kitchen floor. Bob said that he then called the dog into the kitchen to blame him for the mess and that, upon smelling it, Charlie looked like he couldn’t believe he had gone to the bathroom in the house without remembering it. Howard replied that the prank sounded funny, but that Bob went through too much trouble just to fool his dog.

Lori Levine from Entertainment Weekly called in to inform Howard that it takes time to prepare the “good” gift baskets the magazine gives away at its parties, and that Beth should be expecting to receive hers soon. Lori added that she wished Howard had contacted her privately about his problem with the gift basket Beth did get instead of doing so on the air. However, Howard told Lori that he didn’t care about the gift basket and that the discussion he had about the topic earlier in the show wasn’t meant to be an insult to her.

The Rev. Bob Levy got on the line to announce that the next roast will be on March 29th and will feature Daniel Carver. After mentioning that he’d like to have Bob Schimmel take part in the event, The Rev. Bob said he has a number of gay and minority comedians already booked to give Daniel a good and thorough roasting.