WHAT A POOPY HEAD
The Howard Stern Show for May 2, 2006

Howard started this morning noting the film festival allowed him to catch glimpses into the sex lives of some of its attendees. After playing a clip of Richard Roeper’s girlfriend admitting that she once brought another woman home for Richard, Howard added that he heard story about Sam Simon's experience with a woman who was trying to break into the cartoon business. Howard explained the woman, Ivy Supersonic, has claimed she created the Sqrat (a cross between squirrel and a rat) character that appeared in “Ice Age 2,” even though she lost a court case where she tried to get credit for her supposed idea. Howard then played a clip of Ivy from the film festival, in which she claimed Sam promised to get her a lawyer for future court appearances. Ivy added she wasn’t sure if Sam made the offer just so she’d sleep with him, which she admitted she did.

Howard brought up that all the stars named in Time’s recent list of the 100 Most Influential People, which included him, had celebrities write articles about them for the magazine, but he hadn’t spoken with David Spade before or after he wrote the piece about him. Howard mentioned he appreciated David’s sentiments in the article. Howard said he tried to call David after reading the article to thank him but his number for David didn’t work anymore.

While Artie was talking about his favorite Los Angeles fast food restaurants, Howard recalled he used to eat two double cheeseburgers, large fries, a chocolate shake and an apple pie from Roy Rogers everyday for lunch years ago and his parents actually forced him to lose weight. Howard said he was in his 20s at the time and his parents stormed into his house one morning and demanded he do something about his physical appearance. Howard reported that, because he was getting pneumonia every weekend and thanks to his parents’ suggestion, he decided to go to a hospital, where he was told he had no immune system and had to change his diet. Howard added he joined a gym shortly after his visit to the hospital and it was there he learned about the exercise and diet regiment he now follows.

Howard took a call from Ettamay, the director whose film about passing wind called “The Mating Call,” finished last at the film festival. Ettamay acknowledged she was disappointed with her film’s placement at the festival, but assured Howard she wasn’t mad. Although Howard told Ettamay that he gave her movie nines when he judged it, Robin pointed out many critics are hesitant to give high marks to the first movie played at a festival, which was the slot where Ettanay’s entry was shown last week, because they don’t know what the remaining films will be like. Artie noted he didn’t agree with where Ettamay’s film placed either, adding he thought it was the fourth best movie of the night.

A man claiming to be a priest called in to tell Howard he’s been hearing voices in his head and they’re making him have desires for a young male member of his congregation. The priest noted he’d heard Howard’s program in the past and was borrowing a SIRIUS radio from someone in order to call in this morning. The priest went on to say he wanted to encourage Howard’s listeners to pray for him, but Howard instead suggested the caller’s best bet would be to get castrated. Before Howard ended the call, though, Robin commented she thought a better option for the caller would be to cut off his head.

Gary came into the studio and announced the next bit, which was to feature tea bagging, “had disaster written all over it.” Gary explained Norelco launched a shaver designed to groom pubic hair and the company’s execs came up with the idea for the tea-bagging. However, Gary added one of the two women who originally agreed to be tea-bagged backed out when she found out what the process entailed, while the woman who still wanted to go through with it wouldn’t allow the male participant’s shaved testicles to be put in her mouth, which Howard pointed out is what tea-bagging is.

The woman willing to be tea-bagged, Jodie, entered the studio and told Howard she was from Australia and recently got into porn. Jodie also mentioned years ago she dated Jack Osbourne for three months, but claimed she didn’t have sex with him because he was only 16 at the time. Jodie did note, though, she was able to feel Jack’s penis through his pants, but wasn’t impressed by its size.

After Jodie admitted she once spent a weekend in Las Vegas with a man for $50,000 and “may have” had sex with him, Gary noted Lester, the man who was going to have his pubic hair shaved, was locked in the bathroom due to a hangover and wouldn’t be ready for a few minutes.

When Lester, better known as Beetlejuice, came into the studio, Howard introduced Jodie to him and Beet replied, “Good for you.” Howard then noted what Beetle needed to do during his appearance, and he said, “I ain’t sittin’ on nobody’s head.” Jodie proceeded to point out Beet was crying, but he denied the accusation, explaining, “I ain’t cryin’ for nobody.” Gary went on to tell Howard Beetle did some heavy drinking last night, before advising him to not let Beet sit on the couch, which was a recommendation he said he’d explain later.

Once Beet refused to sit on Jodie’s lap, she showed him her breasts, which led Beetle to comment, “That ain’t gonna work.” However, Beet ended up agreeing to the shaving and the tea-bagging, and Jodie reported his scrotum felt “very silky.” Howard then asked how Beetle smelled and Jodie began laughing. Gary also pointed out Beet moved his bowels right before he came into the studio.

Jodie said she’d get on the Sybian and Gary began her ride at 20 percent, which she reported “felt good.” As Gary increased the Sybian’s power, Jodie told Howard her private area “was very sensitive” and claimed to have an orgasm once Gary turned the machine up to 100 percent.

Gange came into the studio and wondered if Jodie would be willing to shave herself with the Norelco, but she commented she already was shaved. When Jodie exposed herself to Gary to prove her statement, he noted it also appeared to be her time of the month, which caused her to scold him. Beet went on to add he was in love with Jodie and wanted to marry her, but chose to save his proposal for a later date.

Sal reported he came across a pair of dirty boxer shorts in the bathroom, and, because of their size, noted they could only belong to Beet. Despite Beetle’s request not to, Sal brought them in the studio and showed them to Howard, who acknowledged he saw “a little accident” in them. Gary then commented Sal and Richard were taking bids to see which one would put the underwear on his head, and Howard started the bidding at $1,000 to see the stunt. Sal and Richard proceeded to bid that amount down in $100 increments to see who would wear the offending boxers - Richard won the priviledge at $500.

Sal put the boxers on Richard's head and he reported that they “reeked” and the smell was “brutal,” before throwing up in a garbage can. As Howard was saying goodbye to Beetle, Sal began yelling because Richard was rubbing his face, which Sal noted had excrement on it, on his shirt. Richard responded he rubbed his face on Sal only because Will told him to do so.

Jeff the Drunk called in to inform Howard it was his birthday. However, Howard replied he’d be depressed if he were Jeff because his birthday marked the passing of another year where he didn’t do much and advised him to try to get a job this year. Jeff responded to Howard’s suggestion by hanging up on him.

Jeff called back a few minutes later, but Howard again told him he should at least try to get a job. Jeff replied, “Fine, be that way,” before hanging up once again. This led Artie to point out Jeff, who turned 39 today, was the kind of person who still takes his birthday seriously, while Howard wondered what kind of reaction Jeff was hoping to get from him with his news.

Scott the Engineer brought up that his son is in a new band called Dog Eat Dog and is preparing to go on tour in Europe with the group starting next week. Robin responded she was surprised Scott was allowing his son to tour with Dog Eat Dog because, in the past, he’s expressed the importance of his son getting a college education. However, Scott commented that he still feels that way, but his son is about to begin his summer vacation and won’t be missing any school time because of the tour.

Sal got on the intercom and mentioned he felt the band should be called “Dog Sh*t Eat Dog” because of its music, but Howard pointed out he’d heard Sal’s attempt at a music career and said he shouldn’t be criticizing other people’s music. After playing one of Sal’s rap “hits” to remind him of his own attempt at musical stardom, Howard then played some of Dog Eat Dog’s songs. Robin mentioned the music sounded like what she hears on radio, but added that the worst part about listening to the music was having to watch Scott “rock out” while they were playing.

Mariann from Brooklyn called in to ask Howard if Beth received the letter she sent about her decision concerning “Dancing with the Stars.” Howard told Mariann that Beth did get her message, but still hasn’t made up her mind about the show. Howard explained Beth has informed him there’s a part of her that doesn’t want to appear on the program, but added, on the other hand, the athletic standpoint of the competition appeals to her. Howard went on to say that Beth is starting to wonder how good the opportunities will be for her if she does agree to be on “Dancing with the Stars,” before also commenting she feels the other contestants will all have more dance experience than she does, regardless of what they say.

Howard added he’s been trying to give Beth advice on the matter, but both Fred and Robin suggested that might not be the best move for him right now. However, Howard informed them since he was included on Time’s list of the 100 Most Influential People, he didn’t understand why Beth wouldn’t want to hear his opinions.

Artie mentioned he’s getting a 50” high-definition, flat-screen television next week for the purpose of watching Yankees games. Artie then noted people have been telling him he’ll enjoy the games much more in high-definition, but he questioned how that would be possible. Robin replied, though, she watched the Super Bowl this year in high-definition and noticed a big difference in the picture quality.

Howard asked Fred what he thought about his film festival entry, “Fred” and he said “it was a little annoying, but it was fine.” Fred added that, although he didn’t like how he was portrayed as “a schizophrenic homeless person” in the movie, he acknowledged the film was “very artistic.” Howard responded he considers Fred a friend and wanted to pay tribute to him through his movie. Howard also pointed out he told Fred about his idea before he shot the movie and Fred gave him permission to film it.

Ralph called in to defend accusations Fred made that Sam Simon was responsible for putting together his film festival entry. Ralph explained that he thought of the idea for the entry himself and all he did was ask people for feedback on it. Howard then asked Ralph how his Thursday night ended with Akira, the woman who had her “puss shocked” on the show that morning, and who was making out with him at Scores after the festival. Ralph reported he has called Akira since that evening, but he wasn’t sure if they’d get together again.

Howard got Crazy Alice on the phone and she argued that, while she maybe “wild,” she is not crazy. Howard went on to ask Alice why she hates black people, to which she responded that she doesn’t feel that way toward all black people. Alice explained she dislikes only certain black people, including her abusive parents and ex-husband, but actually thinks black women are sexy. Alice added, despite the messages she leaves that suggest the contrary, she doesn’t dislike Robin either, but acknowledged she wished Robin wouldn’t go along with Howard when he refers to her as crazy.

Howard took a call from King of All Blacks, but as soon as Alice heard his voice, she started screaming at him to the point that Howard had to end King’s call. Alice then noted she’s had sex dreams involving Howard, Fred and Brad Pitt, but she doesn’t get physical with people in real life out of her fear of diseases. Howard proceeded to get King back on the line, but again had to hang up on him when Alice wouldn’t stop yelling at him.

Howard told Alice she seemed like a nice person and wondered if she would’ve turned out differently had she been shown love when she was younger. Alice replied she was sure she wouldn’t be so angry had she had better parents, but again assured Howard she didn’t deserve the “crazy” moniker he gave her years ago.

Jeff the Drunk called back in and said Howard was bringing him down on his birthday. Jeff added he hoped Howard would sing “Happy Birthday” to him, but Howard noted there’s nothing to celebrate in his life. Jeff then thanked Howard and hung up yet again.

However, as Robin was finishing her news, Jeff called for the fourth time and asked Howard if he had any prizes for his birthday. Howard proceeded to give Jeff a certificate good for ribs before wishing him a happy birthday.