THE HOTTEST GIRL
The Howard Stern Show for May 21, 2007

Howard began today playing a recent clip of Dr. Phil on “The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson,” talking about how he agreed to give interviews the night of the Virginia Tech massacre even though he’d had surgery earlier the same day. After Howard and Artie criticized Dr. Phil for being self important, Howard played a clip from last Friday’s “Master Tape Theatre,” which originally aired in 1997. In it, Howard discussed an article he’d read about satellite radio and how he thought it was the future of broadcasting, despite the fact it was still in its infancy at the time.

Once the tape was done, Robin made a comment about the Mets taking two games from the Yankees in this weekend’s Subway Series, which led Gary to come into the studio to talk about how he felt Tyler Clippard, yesterday’s winning pitcher for the Yankees, looked like he was “in high school.” Following the discussion, Artie acknowledged the Yankees’ pitching staff was struggling, but also insisted the season was still “early.”

Howard mentioned that he and Beth went to dinner over the weekend, and, despite the fact that it was really cold that night, his limo didn’t have any heat. Howard then said his driver that night informed him that Ronnie the Limo Driver needed to switch a converter in the car that allowed heat to be dispensed, but that he hadn’t done it. Ronnie proceeded to enter to say the problem with the limo wasn’t his fault, and was instead that of its maker, who had to install something called a petcock valve, that lets him switch between heating and cooling, in the engine compartment to fix a problem they had with the air conditioning last year. Howard continued to blame Ronnie though, explaining that his limo was the only vehicle he’d ever heard of that didn’t have both air conditioning and heat. Howard went on to threaten to name the company Ronnie purchased the limo from on the air if the heating system wasn’t fixed, and Ronnie promised him that he’d take care of it.

Ralph then called in to say the car’s heating system was Ronnie’s fault, and Howard pointed out he didn’t think Dominic Barbara had the same problem with his limo. Doug Goodstein then came in to report he’d found a limo on eBay that had both heat and air conditioning...for $400, while Howard added he’d been in some rundown limos in his life, but they all had both air conditioning and heat.

When Howard took calls on the topic, one of the callers said he couldn’t believe how good yesterday’s episode of “The Sopranos” was, and Ralph referred to it as “one of the best episodes ever.” After Robin and Artie agreed with Ralph’s assessment, Howard called David Chase, the show’s creator, “a genius,” while Artie also noted that there were “immediate payoffs” last night, including the way Tony “dealt” with the man who harassed Meadow in a restaurant.

Dominic Barbara then called in to back up Howard’s guess about his limo, saying that his vehicle had both heat and air conditioning anytime he wanted.

Mary Jo Connery stopped in to talk about the news her ex-husband, Joey Buttafuoco, has been making by dating the woman who shot her, Amy Fisher. Mary Jo said she and her fiancé, Stu, had been working at a company that made posters for years, and that she was trying to put her past behind her by living “a normal life.” However, Mary Jo added that, despite this, what happened to her has resurfaced once again, and she guessed it was because Joey needed money after he lost his mechanic’s license.

Mary Jo reported she spoke to Joey’s manager, David Krieff, a month ago, and he proposed they “recreate” the shooting for television, which she admitted she said she’d do for one million dollars. Mary Jo then said, though, that she never heard back from David before noting she and her kids heard about Joey’s latest relationship with Amy through the media. Mary Jo went on to say she originally thought Joey and Amy got back together as a publicity stunt, but that, after seeing how happy Amy looked in some of the photographs with him, she wasn’t sure, and the fact that Joey was also photographed recently with his current wife confused her even more.

Stu came into the studio and talked about how much he supported Mary Jo, and the two said they were going to get married as soon as they saved enough money for the ceremony. Howard next asked Mary Jo if Joey “ruined” her life, but she said all he’d done was “change it.” After Mary Jo mentioned she was mad at Joey for what he was doing to their children, she also commented that she felt he could “sell ice to the Eskimos,” which she figured was why people believed all the things he’d said throughout the years.

Artie brought up that Mary Jo and Stu came to his standup performance over the weekend, and that one of Joey’s brothers was with them. Mary Jo responded by claiming just about all of Joey’s family was upset with him, and that she was still in close contact with some of his relatives.

Howard played a clip of Gary Garver talking to Jack Nicolson at a golfing event. During the interview, Jack mentioned that he wasn’t aware that “Howard was a golf enthusiast” while adding, when asked, that he wanted to be remembered for his “smile.” Jack went on to say he thought Paris Hilton was talented and that she was “a wonderful lady.” When Gary next asked Jack to describe Howard in one word, he replied with “curly headed, tall, good looking and a little nervous.” Gary then asked Jack who he’d choose as his partner if he was forced to have gay sex, to which he responded, “I don’t get forced into anything.”

Howard noted his parents celebrated their 60th anniversary over the weekend, and that he threw a party for them in his apartment. Howard said there were 14 people at the get together and claimed he didn’t think the toast he gave was effective. However, Robin assured Howard that she’d heard him give speeches in the past, and believed he was being too hard on himself. Despite Robin’s assertion, Howard said he didn’t think that was the case, and that he considered talking on the radio to be much different than giving speeches.

Howard had Bill, the man who created the first Robin song parody in show history, into the studio. Bill recalled he made his song, which was about how she was molested by her father, at the last minute, adding he created the master version of it just hours before sending it into the show. Bill added he came up with the lyrics as he went along, and that he got the term “ham hands” from Robin herself, who had once described her father as having such hands.

After Howard explained that Bill won a jet ski for his song, Bill reported he had a 20-year-old daughter, but she never that he was actually her dad, instead thinking he was her uncle. Bill then launched into a rendition of his song, which had everyone in the studio – especially Artie – laughing.

After the song was done, Bill described how his wheelchair worked, and also mentioned that, for a job, he taught basic English. Howard then let Bill play The Beetlejuice Game, where he had to predict what answers Beet would give to these questions:

• What country do Chinese people come from? Howard gave Bill these choices – Chinatown, Chinese Country or New Jersey – and Bill guessed New Jersey, but Beetle actually went with China Town.

• Poultry comes from what kind of animal? Howard announced Bill had these options to pick from – a chicken, a pig or a dog – and he predicted chicken, but Beet said a pig.

• What ethnic race is Howard Stern? Howard said Bill had these choices – Italian, Jewish or “he’s on the radio” – and Bill was correct when he said Jewish.

• How many quarters equal one dollar? Howard announced Bill had these answers to pick from – four dollars, four quarters or 50 quarters – and Bill was again correct when he picked 50 quarters.

• How many inches are in a foot? Howard said the choices were 10 inches, “your foot” or 12 inches, and Bill was wrong with his answer of “your foot” because Beet went with 10 inches.

• What Disney character has the same name as a planet? Howard noted the choices were Pluto, earth or “There ain’t no planet in Disney,” and Bill went with the final one although Beet responded with Earth.

Although Bill didn’t win the game, Howard still awarded him a $500 prize for his efforts.

The subject of Artie’s weight came up, and Artie acknowledged he was still trying to cutback on his eating. Howard then mentioned he had an idea to put High Pitch Eric in a zoo-like setting where people would pay to see him like he was a gorilla. When Howard added that, in his mind, Eric was naked in this scenario, Artie said that, since he and Eric were almost the same weight, and since he thought Eric was “grotesque,” Eric was helping him in his weight-loss attempt because he didn’t want to look like him.

Howard had a man named Faust and his 18-year-old sister, Galadriel, who was still in high school, into the studio so she could ride the Sybian while Faust worked its controls, all in exchange for a plug. Faust said the product he was promoting was a weight-loss pill, and Galadriel admitted she wasn’t nervous about being naked in front of everyone, especially because she’d done it before. Galadriel went on to say that most people tried to convince her not to ride the Sybian when they found out her plans, but she insisted it was her decision and that it was worth it just to meet Howard and Robin.

Before Galadriel got on the Sybian, Howard announced he wasn’t going to allow her to ride it or take her clothes off, and chastised Faust for suggesting the bit in the first place. Faust responded by saying he was “really in debt” and that was why he needed the promotion, adding that his sister knew what she was doing from the start.

Howard then turned the conversation back to Galadriel, who revealed that she’d lost her virginity last year during “band camp.” When Galadriel next said she wanted to go to college to be an art teacher, Howard commented that he thought she was made to be a stripper, and she acknowledged other people have told her the same thing. Galadriel then reported she’d been with three guys during the past year, even though she didn’t think her first time went well.

Howard proceeded to ask Galadriel if she’d ever been in an orgy, and she claimed she had. However, Galadriel then said she thought “orgy” meant “getting off,” but Robin informed her that the word she was looking for was “orgasm.”

Ralph got on the line to beg Howard to let Galadriel get naked, so Howard asked everyone in the studio for his and her opinion. While Fred didn’t think Galadriel should strip, Benjy, Artie and Robin all thought there was no difference between Galadriel and the other young women who’d been on the program in the past who wanted to get in Playboy and got naked because of it.

Jason then came into the studio to say he thought Howard’s biggest concern about Galadriel was that she was still in high school, so he recommended she come back in a month after she graduated. After Will added his vote for Galadriel to disrobe, Gary admitted he was uncomfortable with the idea, primarily because she was still in high school.

As the argument went on, Ronnie noted that Galadriel had just turned 18 three weeks ago...but that didn’t stop him from saying she should at least get topless. Howard replied, though, that he was the final judge, and that he didn’t want Galadriel to get naked or topless. In fact, because everyone was so divided on the matter, Howard said, “Where’s Tom Chiusano when I need him?,” a reference to KROCK’s general manager who would’ve squashed the segment almost as soon as it started.

When Galadriel remarked she had her nipples pierced, that she was “completely shaved” and that she was sure her mother wouldn’t have cared if she got naked, Howard replied by admitting those facts might have changed his mind, but he ended up sticking to his decision.

During Robin’s news, Howard had a woman, Miss Howard TV for June, Amber Lee, into the studio. Artie immediately started propositioning her and she said she’d be willing to “hang out” with him if he wanted to do so. After Artie referred to Amber as “the hottest chick who was ever in here,” Howard advised Artie to lose weight so he’d have a chance with Amber, but Artie insisted that, regardless of his size, he didn’t think Amber would be interested in him.

Amber then changed into lingerie, and Gary reported she was “the kind of girl who even smelled good.” This led Howard to ask Amber if he could smell her, which she allowed him to do. Artie then offered Amber $100,000 for sex, but she turned him down. However, Amber told Howard that she didn’t consider him “a turn off,” and that she’d consider being with him if he and Beth ever broke up.

After Amber revealed she once dated an NBA player who she wouldn’t name, Artie said he’d give Amber a check for $125,000 in the studio if she’d have sex with him, but she again responded with a no.

• A story about the cost of renting houses in the Hamptons has been released.

• Nelly Furtado appeared on “Dancing with the Stars” this past week.

• John Mayer and Jessica Simpson broke up.

• A New York cannibal is looking for a date.

• Tickets for Barbara Streisand’s upcoming concerts in England sold out in minutes.

• Scott Stapp was arrested on a domestic violence charge.

• Steven Spielberg is producing a reality show.

• Ryan Phillippe is trying to get joint custody of his and Reese Witherspoon’s children.

• Donald Trump claimed he left NBC and that “The Apprentice” wasn’t canceled by the network.

• Newt Gingrich made a controversial commencement speech at Liberty University.

• A $500 million sunken treasure was found in the Atlantic Ocean.

• The Preakness took place over the weekend.

• “Shrek 3” opened at number one this weekend with a gross of $122 million.