27 YEARS LATER
The Howard Stern Show for October 31, 2007

Howard started the show speculating that Richard's father eats squirrel, so Richard came in to say his father eats it “all the time,” even going so far as to introduce squirrels to his hometown. Richard added that squirrel tasted like rabbit, and it took about one whole squirrel for a single meal; “they're meatier than they look.” Howard and Artie asked Richard about his dad's hunting practices, so Richard explained that his dad can spot game from a mile away...even while driving down the road.

Richard said he grew up eating catfish, quail, and raccoons – even a calf he'd kept as a pet. Howard asked Richard if he cried when his calf (named “Calfie”) was butchered, so Richard admitted that he had, adding that it was weird petting your food before you ate it. Richard told the crew that he and his sister would also raise hogs, show them at the county fair, and, at the end of the fair, sell them to butchers.

Howard noted Richard's expanding waistline, so Richard explained he was eating a lot of candy for Halloween, adding that he now loved going to eat at nice places, like Strip House, Citrus, and the Ritz-Carlton. Howard said he heard that Richard's girlfriend just moved in with him, leading Richard to claim that he'd now probably shower more often. Howard then asked Richard what he was doing for Halloween, but Richard said he'd only be “observing” tonight.

A caller claimed he kept a napkin in the crack of his ass all day to prevent underwear stains, so Howard told him how to properly clean himself without doing any damage. Howard described his ass-cleaning techniques and crises in detail, including the time he had to clean his ass before having sex with Beth. Howard asked the guy what he did for a living, so the caller explained that he was on SSI because of his paranoid schizophrenia.

Lisa G reported that everyone on the staff was invited to her cookie party next month - except for Will. Howard JD, noted that Gary, Steve the Intern, and all the HowardTV people were not invited either, so Lisa explained that they've all said bad things about her last cookie party. Lisa then noted that Artie hadn't thanked her for the birthday gift she gave him, but Artie claimed that Lisa didn't spend more than four dollars on the gift. Howard then quizzed Artie on who gave him which birthday gifts:

An autographed picture of Jorge Posada: Artie correctly answered “Ronnie.”

AC/DC concert DVD and Who documentary: No idea.

Beginner's guitar book: Steve “The Intern” Brandano. (or, as Artie likes to call him, “Brandandino”)

A book on the history of New Jersey and a bottle of Italian red wine: No idea. (Howard then revealed that HowardTV's Isaac Mark had given Artie the gift, but Artie wasn't interested, noting that he also slept through Isaac's wedding.)

Two Gap shirts: The Howard100News team. (Correct)

Four framed photos: Jason. (Correct)

After matching 4 out of 6 birthday gifts with their respective givers, Artie said he wasn't going to take Howard's crap, because Howard was unappreciative of the $1200 Neil Young-related gift Artie gave him last year. Howard retorted that spending $20,000 on Artie's birthday party was a pretty appreciative gesture.

Beetlejuice stopped by to promote his upcoming gigs with the Killers of Comedy, and Howard noted that Beetle looked great. Beetle told Howard that he wanted to replace Ronnie the Limo Driver as Howard's security guard, so Ronnie came in to explain that the Reverend Bob Levy was putting Beetle up to this to provoke a fight. Beetle denied that Bob had put him up to anything, but Howard said Beetle wasn't the only one who wanted Ronnie’s job...

Richard came in wearing his Ronnie costume and began arguing with Beetle. Bob Levy came in to say he had no problem with Ronnie – he just liked breaking his balls – but still thought he could beat him up. Ronnie said Bob couldn't handle having his own balls broken even a little and noted that Bob recently threw a bottle at him when he tried. Howard wondered who was taking care of Beetle now, so Ronnie told him that Sean, Beetle's manager, sent his brother Bobby with him.

Rev. Bob then told Howard that Sean's brother's kids love Beetle, saying “[Beetle's] great with kids.” Gary asked if Beetle ever has any “accidents,” and Beetle claimed he did not. Howard played a clip of Beetle yelling at Sal about one of the “accidents,” so Sal came in to explain that he was the one who has to take care of Beetle when they're on tour with the Killers of Comedy, so he always ends up having to clean up when Beetle shits his pants.

Bobby came in to say that Beetle had some “doodie” in his pants the other day, but when he asked Beetle about it, Beetle claimed his friend, Dominic the Midget, had put it there. Bobby said Beetle stays with him a lot, and though his ten-year-old son loves Beetle, but his two-year-old is scared to death of him. Bobby also noted that Beetle wouldn't sleep in the guest bedroom because he prefers to stay on the couch.

Sal jokingly revealed that Beetle recently got a 25-second blowjob from a female fan after a Killers of Comedy show. As expected, Beetle confirmed the story, saying he “dropped a load” in her mouth and put his finger in her butt. Beetle also claimed that he has “all the girls” falling in love with him. Howard then asked Beetle how his pants were holding up, so Beetle claimed he currently had no problems in his pants.

Howard asked Gary about the song that always makes him cry, so Gary came in to explain it was Elton John's “Last Song,” noting that the video is especially powerful. When he began talking about the video, Gary began crying, so everyone laughed. Gary claimed he always associated his late brother's struggle with the video's portrayal of a man living with AIDS who doesn't think his father loves him.

Howard welcomed Duran Duran into the studio and thanked them for returning after nearly 27 years. Howard asked the band if they wanted to sell their new record through an exclusive retailer, like the Spice Girls, Smashing Pumpkins, and Radiohead have done, but the band felt they stood to make more money from touring. Howard asked John Taylor if his wife really created Juicy Couture, and John admitted she was the clothing line's co-founder.

Howard read one of Simon Le Bon's quotes about Princess Diana stalking the band, but Simon claimed he had been exaggerating. The band then performed “Girls on Film” for the gang, and Howard asked them about the women in their lives; Simon's wife; the band's back-up singer, Anne Ross; and Nick Rhodes' ex-wife. Simon then told Howard that he's changed his opinion of Bruce Springsteen, saying he now thought it was “undignified” to talk trash about other acts.

Howard played the band's new song and asked Simon how long it took to write it, so Simon explained that he and Justin Timberlake wrote the song in about a day and a half. Artie sarcastically remarked that it was good the band worked with Justin Timberlake, as he wasn't “pedestrian” like Bruce Springsteen. Howard asked the band about the “tremendous amounts of sex” the band must've had before settling down, so they admitted that they once had it pretty good. The guys then treated the crew to a performance of “Notorious.”

Howard railed against Richard and Sal's claim (made on the Wrap-Up Show yesterday) that he gives Artie more slack with the guests. Howard and Artie explained that it was Artie's job to be a larger part of the show, and he's paid accordingly. Sal came in to defend himself, but Howard immediately speculated that Sal’s complaint was just an extension of his jealousy over Howard's close relationship with Artie.

Artie told Sal that he and Richard were just “glorified radio contest winners,” and Howard wondered why Sal and Richard always felt so “downtrodden.” Richard remarked that he was just offended when people mocked the validity of his ideas and claimed they couldn't care less if he died. Artie noted that Sal crosses the line with guests, like when he insulted Jon Stewart's comedy and asked Ace Frehley for his phone number.

Sal began yelling that he always defended Artie, even though Artie “rips off” audiences by performing the same act over and over. Artie told Sal that he should go f’ himself, watch his “gay” kids die of AIDS, and meet him downstairs later for an asskicking. Howard said Artie really didn't want Sal's kids to die of AIDS, and Artie admitted that Howard was right; he hoped Sal kids live to “at least 25” before the disease kills them.

Gary came in to say that Richard was being less than honest about his feelings, so Richard confessed that he thought Gary didn’t like him or want to hear any of his bits. Gary told Richard that “it's not that I don't want to hear anything, it's that I don't want to hear everything,” adding that Richard is “passive-aggressive” to the “nth-degree” when his bits don't get played. Howard then informed Richard that Gary's intuition was right 99% of the time.

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