THE THINGS THEY DO FOR PLUGS
The Howard Stern Show for October 6, 2006

Today’s show started with Howard asking Artie how he felt about the Yankee’s loss yesterday. Artie said he became “one of those irate fans” at the game yesterday because of all of A-rod strike outs. A-rod struck out twice yesterday, and Artie said that it just seemed like he didn’t care. Artie said that it’s sad to say but he’s probably their weakness right now. Howard said he went to the Rangers game last night but had to leave after the first period to get to bed. He said that he and Beth took Ratso to the game with them. The reason they went was because Beth just did a piece for the TV show Extra on the New York Rangers hockey team and apparently body checked a guy and knocked him down. After doing this piece, Beth wanted to show her support by going to one of their games.

Howard said Artie looked good because he got some color at the game yesterday, but changed his mind and said he looked like a big red balloon. He also commented on his graying beard and Artie agreed, saying that he’s been seeing some reruns of his stint on Mad TV on Comedy Central lately and thought he looked bad enough back then, let alone now. Howard thought it would be a big shock to everybody that he went to a hockey game last night, but Artie said, yet again, he stole his sports thunder. Artie was hoping to talk about the Yankees for a while today, but last night had to be the one night this season that Howard went to a sporting event, so that’s what they had to discuss because Howard doesn’t really care about baseball that much.

The conversation turned to the new Sirius portable device known as the Stiletto. The Stiletto is an Ipod-like device that has Wi-Fi capability which everybody says is amazing. Howard revealed that he hasn’t hooked his up yet, but plans on doing so this weekend. Fred added that it’s great for when he’s just walking around the city, he loves being able to listen to Sirius on-the-go. Gary said that a few people have dropped hints around him recently that the Stiletto would make a great Christmas gift this year. Howard said he was thinking about buying that for everybody this year but he worried that everybody would think he got them for free so he didn’t want to do that. Robin said people were going to be disappointed if they didn’t get one. Howard joked that he would only use his Stiletto to listen to the Howard 100 and 101 channels because he doesn’t like to have too much enjoyment in his life.

Howard moved to the football picks for this week next and took a call from Crazy Alice first. Even though she doesn’t know anything about football, she’s doing the best out of everyone in the pool, with a record of 4-0, meaning that she’s picked the winner each week. Alice said that if she wins the $25,000 prize, she would give some of it to the newest Wack-packer Bigfoot. Artie started in with her as usual and the two had a great verbal volley in which Alice took shots at Artie’s way too expensive watch and his drug addicted past. Artie then joked that he was going to sell his watch and buy Alice’s house to evict her. Alice took Artie’s bait and kept after him with insult after insult, Howard and crew laughing all the way.

Alice picked the Indiana Colts and as soon as Artie tried to give the line, Alice cut him off, as usual, by yelling insults.

Bigfoot got on the phone and revealed that he’s picking the New Orleans Saints this weekend. Howard asked if there was a bird he was hearing chirp in the background, and Bigfoot said it was his lovebird. Howard then heard a woman’s voice in the background and asked who that was. Bigfoot wouldn’t elaborate on it too much but said there were two girls in there with him. Artie joked that they were currently trying to chew through their ropes.

Elliot Offen gave his pick next, but before he did, he had his manager give some plugs for his various business ventures on the air. Elliot’s record is 1-3 so far, so he’s not doing so well, but he picked the Kansas City Chiefs this week. Elliot explained that he didn’t know football that well, but he would gladly explain how urine turned into blood inside the human body, and then went into the description before anybody could stop him. After he got off the phone, Howard said he’d be a better performer if he just tightened it up a little bit, he’s too all over the place. Howard said they get a lot of audio for prank calls with Elliot though, so it’s worth it listening to his ranting.

Artie picked last today and went with the New England Patriots this weekend. Stay tuned next week to see how everybody did with their picks and see who gets closer to winning the $25,000 prize.

Howard said that they’re planning on doing the Dating Game with Artie soon and Dana, Artie’s ex, emailed the show saying she wanted to enter the contest. Howard didn’t know what to do when he found out; would Artie freak out and get pissed if Dana was in the running? He decided that it would be really great if they could pull it off and have Artie potentially pick her, it would be too good for the show to NOT do it. Dana ruined the bit though, by calling Artie to give him the heads up so he wouldn’t be blindsided. Gary contacted her and she said that she was just joking about it though, so it wasn’t going to happen. Artie said he and Dana have been leaving voicemails for each other lately, but nothing was going to happen because he’s sticking with his position of not changing his lifestyle for her. Gary revealed that they’ve received 60 to 70 submissions for the contest and some really hot chicks have emailed their photos into the show. Howard started to show Artie some of the photos of the girls and the crew was shocked at how hot they were. Artie said he was ready for the contest tomorrow!

Owen Lafave came into the studio this morning to promote his new book “Gorgeous Disaster: The Tragic Story of Debra Lafave.” Debra is Owen’s ex-wife and is the teacher who was arrested for having sex with her 14-year-old student in 2004. Before Owen, Debra dated Backstreet Boy, Nick Carter in high school, but they broke up when he found out that she had cheated on him...with another girl. Howard thought having your wife cheat on you with a 14-year-old boy was much worse than having her do it with another woman, and everybody agreed that it would have been a much easier situation to deal with if the other man had been an adult. Owen said that, in a way, it was easier to deal with because the guy was so young, and he knows now that a situation like this creates a lot of emotional fallout for the boy in this type of situation too.

Owen explained he met Debra in college and she didn’t appear to be that wild in bed. He wouldn’t go into too much detail about their sex life, but he said that they made a couple of videos during their time together, played with some sex toys here and there and had what he described as a “dysfunctional” sex life that was both hot and cold, but never consistent. Owen said that, in her second year of teaching, she started to wear revealing clothes to school and was arrested within a couple of months, so it all happened pretty quickly.

Owen added that Debra claimed that she was molested at a young age and was later raped, so he thinks she might subconsciously hate men. Owen revealed he found out about the affair one day when Debra’s mom called him and told him she had been arrested for lewd and lascivious conduct with a student. Howard said it had to be so embarrassing for Owen because there’s nothing worse than going to work to support your wife and getting blindsided by something like this. Owen said it was pretty bad, and he had never contemplated suicide before this all happened, but said that he had a weekend where he didn’t get off the couch and doesn’t know how he got up for work that next Monday.

Howard wondered if Owen had a problem with sex or if his penis was too small, which would make her stray. Owen reported that he’s never had a complaint about the size of his penis and that he thinks its normal sized. Howard said that his ex is a smokin’ hot chick and said he felt so bad for him being put in this situation. Owen said he initially expected to be a bachelor for life after this, but has since worked out the emotional problems that the whole situation has caused. He is now remarried and said he can now joke about this and talk about it openly. Owen said the hardest thing to deal with, besides the depression he went through, was the trust issues he faced with women since his wife slept with a teenager. Owen said he just feels sorry for her now and thought she probably has some emotional problems. Artie pointed out the double standard in society – if the tables had been turned and he was having sex with a 14-year-old girl, he’d be in jail, but they’re sitting around debating if they should feel sorry for her. Debra never served time in jail for this but is serving three years of house arrest and seven years of probation.

Ralph called in to say he wasn’t sure if this story could be stretched into a book...but she sound like the greatest teacher ever. Howard told him he was crazy and asked if Owen had to pay anything during the divorce. Owen said that he just split anything he had down the middle right away when she left the house, and regretted it right away when he realized that he still had to pay all of the bills. Howard wished him luck with the book and said he needed to go vomit because he was so disgusted by this story.

Underdog Lady left a voicemail after her appearance yesterday saying she was disturbed by all the sexual questions she was asked during her interview. She claimed this proves Howard can’t be trusted and now she is deeply troubled by yesterday’s questioning. Howard was quick to point out that the voicemail revealed the sounds of cartoons playing in the background.

Howard quickly transitioned from Underdog Lady’s voicemail to Artie’s breakfast of French toast he had gotten during the break. Howard said he loves French toast and was starving, but added he just has to remind himself that he can fit into his pants while Artie can’t. Howard asked Artie to eat some while he watched and said that Artie cut very delicately. He also claimed that he could be satisfied with only eating one bite, but refused Artie’s offer to try some.

Howard introduced two women who wanted to come into the studio for plugs but said that they were going to have to work for it, however, neither knew what they’d have to do yet. Jen Houston came in promoting a college girls calendar called the 2007 Tempe 12 and was recently named “The Nation’s Sexiest College Girl” at Arizona State University.

Courtney Cummz is a porn star who came in at the same time and really wanted to make out with Jen when they came into the studio. She quickly got naked, at Howard’s request, and Jen even said that she looked good. Jen claimed that she’s only kissed one girl before, but she agreed to make out with Courtney a little. The two girls started kissing and the guys couldn’t stop saying how hot they were, because both girls were SMOKIN’ hot! Artie even put down his breakfast to soak it all in.

Howard revealed that the girls were going to have to work for their plugs today by playing “Wheel of Farts!” The game consisted of the girls spinning a wheel with a variety of “distances” on it. Whatever distance they landed on was the distance they have to put their faces away from Will the Farter’s volatile ass. Jen spun the wheel first and, unfortunately for the guys, landed on 12 inches. Will got down and gave her a nice spray, so Howard gave her a well deserved plug. Howard asked Jen if she wanted to spin it again, AND if she’d spin it topless, he’d give her two plugs. Artie even offered her $500 and his much talked about watch if she’d spin topless. Jen agreed to get two plugs and took her top off and spun again. The wheel landed on six inches this time. Artie wanted to see her in just a thong, and to sweeten the deal, Gary said that he’d give her three plugs and a spot on the Wrap Up Show. Jen agreed, took off her skirt and gasps filled the room as her thonged derriere made an appearance. Nobody could believe how great Jen’s body was. Will gave her another burst of gas, which she said was definitely worse than the first time and she was worried that he was going to “shart” on her.

Howard asked Jen if she would ride the Sybian and she agreed, but only if she could put her skirt back on. Howard immediately OK’d it and they dimmed the lights as she got in place. It didn’t take long for Gary to jack it up to 100% but Jen said that “the big moment” wasn’t going to happen. Howard thanked her for being honest and not trying to fake it. HowardTV Executive Producer, Doug Goodstein came in and asked if Jen could be sprayed down with cooking oil because all the HowardTV guys were saying that she was the hottest chick that had ever been in there. Courtney said that she’d love to spray Jen down and started rubbing Jen’s breasts while she was applying the cooking oil.

After everybody settled down it was Courtney’s turn to spin the wheel. Unfortunately for Courtney, she got “Ass directly in Face” and Will gave her a nice, wet blast of booty bombs. She, between coughs and gags, said her eyes began to water while Will delivered his bursts. Courtney also described how she could feel the warmth of his farts on her head. After it was over, she said her head felt wet and Gary pointed out that a little “drop” got on her face during the blasts. She admitted that it was revolting and Howard said she was a trooper for taking it as well as she did.

Courtney was then offered the Sybian ride for more plugs and Producer Will Murray quickly suggested that both girls get on at the same time. The girls got on facing each other and Courtney got into it immediately and started to breathe heavier while coaching Jen to just relax and enjoy it. Cummz quickly came and said she was helped out by her piercing down there because it made it more intense. Howard plugged everybody, including Will the Farter, and congratulated the girls for surviving the Wheel of Farts.

After a break, Howard reminded everyone that today was the one year anniversary of the first sounds ever heard on Howard 100 & Howard 101. He said there must be something cosmic in the air today because the first sounds, after all, were farts, and to revisit that today was great.

Chris Kanyon came in today claiming that he was fired from the WWE for being gay. Chris was a professional wrestler and claims that WWE owner, Vince McMahon is a homophobe who didn’t want Chris to announce his sexuality. Chris claimed that Vince gave him two titles almost immediately when he started wrestling in the WWE and then eventually sent him to train young wrestlers who were starting out, which he thought meant Vince considered him a major talent. Chris said he was injured for a while after that, and that’s when he started to tell people that he was thinking of coming out of the closet publicly and it got back to Vince. Chris claimed that during his first match back after the injury, they made him dress up like Boy George, they built a closet for him in the middle of the ring that he had to come out of, and then The Undertaker beat the crap out of him. Chris took this to mean that Vince didn’t approve of his lifestyle and agreed to perform because he didn’t want to be fired for disagreeing with the “creative flow of the show.” He said that they also made him sing “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?” and that they told him to sing it “like a faggot.” He said he wished he would have told Vince to “go f’ himself” at that point and that’s the only thing he regrets about his wrestling career.

Chris wore a Mets jersey to the studio today to bust Artie’s chops about how good they’re doing and gave him some gifts to befriend him. He gave Artie some Devil Dogs and a bag of “heroin” (really just flour) and also gave Fred an alien doll, and gave Gary some toothpaste because of his notoriously bad breath.

Chris said that he’s bipolar and was suicidal at one point in his life because he was a closeted gay man who couldn’t deal with being gay. Speaking of closeted, Howard said Sal and Richard wanted to play some gay games with Chris today and Chris said that they HAVE to be gay. He said he’s got great gaydar and he KNOWS that they’re gay. The gay game today was called “Gay Paintball” in which Chris put paint on his fingers and had to attempt to touch one of their “areas” while they run around a box that he’s standing in. The loser apparently was to be teabaged by the winner.

Chris quickly grabbed Richard and squeezed his balls as hard as he could. Richard said that he had quite a grip and was wincing from the pain, saying that he pulled on his balls like they were rubber bands. Sal was found hiding behind a door after this happened so Chris said he wanted to do it to him too. Howard agreed as long as he took it easy on him. Chris body slammed him when he was down on the ground and hit him so hard that he knocked the air out of his lungs and left a welted, blood-blistered hand print on his chest. Chris said that he grabbed Ronnie the Limo Driver’s balls out in the hall just before coming into the studio and said that Ronnie looked pretty scared. Howard asked Chris if he thought Ronnie could defend him in a tough situation, and he said no, of course not.

Chris said that he knows other wrestlers that are closeted and he wants to go back to the WWE, and offered Howard to call Vince on the air so he could ask him about coming back. Gary called Vince but he wasn’t available at the time. Chris made a bet with Artie for the Yankees / Mets games saying that whoever goes further in the series is the winner and the loser has to make out with well aged pornstar Blue Iris. Artie quickly amended the bet saying the stakes had to be whoever won the World Series, either the Yankees or the Mets, but it had to be a winner. Chris agreed to the new terms so we may be seeing him again soon, and who would want to miss a make out session with Blue? Stay tuned!

Mike Walker of the National Enquirer called in for this week’s round of The Gossip Game. According to the game’s rules, Mike reads four gossip stories, only three of which are supposedly true. Everyone then guesses which story is the phony. Here are the stories Mike gave this morning:

1. Hot actress Sandra Bullock and buff motorcycle guy boyfriend Jesse James’ new passion is the prissy game croquet, which they play all of the time.

2. Jack Nicholson went to Cedar Sinai Medical Center for a salivary gland problem check up when two interns came into the room in gowns and masks and told him to bend over while one of them donned gloves and lube. Jack started to object and the interns began laughing then ripped off their masks. They turned out to be his “The Departed” costars Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio. A relieved Jack and the boys had a good laugh.

3. Matthew Perry was practicing tennis by bouncing balls off of the wall on the set of his new show, Studio 60, and accidentally knocked over a boom mic and hurt his assistant so badly that the guy needed to be rushed to the hospital for stitches.

4. Lucas Rossi, winner of Rockstar: Supernova, broke up with his girlfriend immediately after winning and ran backstage to have her banned from coming back there to meet up with him after the taping.

Everybody agreed on the Jack Nicholson story being the fake, but they were all wrong. The fake story turned out to be the Sandra Bullock story.

compiled by Kerry Picket

• Another teacher / student sex scandal is surfacing again

• Columbian gang members’ girlfriends were trying something new to end gang violence

• Babs is coming out of tour retirement again

• Terrell Owens has new (children’s) books coming out

• Harry Potter dangers – an evil attempt to recruit kids to Wicca religion?

• Madonna wants to give Kabbalah to Malawi kids

• Catholics expected to flock to see the heart of Saint

• Jimmy Buffet in hot water over something found in his luggage

• This date in 2007 is being flagged en masse for weddings

• Mel Gibson interview coming to Good Morning America soon

• Heat Exhaustion felt by a popular talk show host

• Desperate Housewives actress falls down stairs

• Sheryl Crow is now cancer free

• Farrah Fawcet announced some sad news

• Funerals for Amish girls taking place

• More coming out about the Mark Foley / Page scandal

• Lance Armstrong linked to yet another hot chick (Ivanka Trump)

• Andy Dick contributing to a minor?

• Hugh Heffner opening new Playboy club