Show Rundown: March 4, 2005
Even Powell Sides with Howard on FCC Rules
The Lil’est Movie Critic
The Porn Star Beauty Pageant
The Porn Star Beauty Pageant
After the break, Howard got right down to the Porn Star Beauty Pageant. 5 pornstars were in the studio vying for a $5000 prize, courtesy of HushDVD.com. They were being evaluated in 3 categories: looks, personality and acting ability. The judges for today’s contest were Gianni Russo, Richard Christy and John the Stutterer. Gianni, you may recall from Monday’s show, played Carlo in the Godfather and, as Howard put it, may have slept with more women than everyone in the studio…combined. When he was in Monday, he mentioned that he would be happy to be a judge for any contest like this, so he was a natural choice. Of course resident perv, Richard Christy, was a logical choice as a judge and, in an effort to possibly score with one of the contestants, Richard let his hair down. We weren’t sure how John the Stutterer was qualified to be a judge, but he always seems to get on these panels. As John put it (sort of) the only time he ever got laid was when it was set up by the show.
Kami Takes All Sal Can Give
Contestant #1 was Kami Andrews. Kami is well known to the show as the source of the, “messy, little, spit-covered f’ing pig” clip that is played so often. Howard played a clip from Kami’s most recent film in which she plays a drug sniffing dog! According to Kami, she had to spend a full day with a dialogue coach to get her bark just right. Kami has quite a sordid sexual history; she lost her virginity at 10, had her first lesbian experience at 12 and once had sex with a friend’s father who had also been her biology teacher in high school, (although she had graduated by the time she had sex with him). Kami said she really enjoys sex, so this isn’t really a job for her. Kami then reenacted her famous scene, although she did use water to gargle with rather than the substance she used in the movie. Howard asked her if she really liked getting spit on and Kami said that, if the moment was right, it was a turn on for her. In a flash, Sal the Stockbroker was in the studio asking if he could spit on her. Kami said yes and before anyone really knew what was happening, Sal spit on her. Everyone was grossed out, especially when Kami opened her mouth and swallowed Sal’s spit. Howard quickly asked her if there was anything that DID gross her out as her personality question. Kami thought for a second and said that she really doesn’t like poop. With that, the judges gave their scores: John (eventually) gave her a 7, Richard an 8 and Gianni a 9.
Contestant #2, Railee, is best known for the clip in which she breaks down crying during her first porn scene. Howard asked her about what happened and she said it was a scene with 2 guys and they were kind of rough with her. Railee said she got into porn by answering a newspaper ad after breaking up with a boyfriend. She had only had sex with 5 guys prior to that. Howard also played a clip of Railee being spanked while having to say “thank you” after each whack — the only problem was she seemed to have a very full mouth at the time. Railee says she will try anything once, including lesbian sex, although she prefers not to have sex with women. Railee’s personality question was, “If you could have any super power, what would it be?” Her answer was to be able to just say “Ta da” and give people an orgasm. Good answer — in fact, Richard Christy said it just worked on him. Railee got 7’s from all the judges.
Papa’s Little Girl
Contestant #3, Renee Pornero, hails from Austria (that’s 2 naked Austrians this week!) and is best known for the scene in which she is told to say hello to her mom and papa and ask them if they are proud of her. You may also recognize this as one of the clips that High Pitch Eric does. Renee, who is currently dating a black female porn star, said the only thing she won’t do is have sex with a midget — sorry Verne.
She does enjoy inter-racial scenes though. Howard read that Renee was recently sued by the Catholic Church for a scene in which she did something with a crucifix while wearing a nun’s outfit. Richard mentioned that he has plenty of Renee’s pictures in his collection. Then Artie helped her reenact a scene from her film, right down to the Schnauzer line. Before he could give her a score, Richard asked her to lift her top and of course, she was happy to oblige. For that Richard gave her a 10, John gave her an 8 (and some words of wisdom) and Gianni gave her a 9.
Contestant #4, Aurora Snow, is the owner of the most played clip on the show, the “quack, quack” gag clip. Howard played a couple of song clips from Led Zeppelin and Van Halen with Aurora quacking along in tune. Aurora has recently started directing porn films as well as acting in them. Aurora is another late bloomer. She had only had sex with 4 guys before getting into porn — also through a newspaper ad. However, she now loves sex and her job. Gary came in to point out that Aurora once had, “the kind of sex we can’t mention here” with 2 guys at once AND one of them was Lexington Steel (a very well endowed porn star). Then, with the help of a banana, Aurora set out to reenact her scene.
After choking on a banana for a little while, Robin asked her what she was going to school for. Aurora said she was originally going for drama, but was now taking business classes and hoped to go to law school next year. For her personality question, Howard asked Aurora what the most important invention of the last century was. Aurora answered, stem cell research, but Artie said the actual answer was Jai Alai (something they play in Milford and Miami and you can bet on). Before giving his score, Gianni noted that he would never be able to pass by the banana display at the supermarket without thinking of this moment. Gianni then gave Aurora a perfect 10, John gave her a 7 and was even able to let everyone know that he wished he was the banana, and Richard gave her an 8.
Best for Last
Contestant #5, Taylor Rain, is the source of the second most played clip: the “Oh yeaaahhh!” clip. Howard asked her to give everyone an “oh yeah” but she gave kind of a weak reply. Gary pointed out that Taylor has one of the “finest asses” that’s ever walked into the studio. Howard started to play one of Taylor’s more recent clips, but had to stop when he realized that John the Stutterer was moaning along with it while looking at Howard. Like most of the other girls, Taylor said she loves her job. That said, Taylor wouldn’t have sex with women on film because she doesn’t dig it, but she does love getting tied up and spanked.
Taylor admitted to being really high this morning, but she does have a prescription for marijuana to help with her anxiety. Jeff the Drunk called in to get the name of Taylor’s doctor. Howard thought it must be Dr. Snoop Dog. Taylor then went on to reenact her scene and after a slow start, punctuated by a few dumps for the f-word, Taylor finished strong with some spanking help from one of the other girls. Ralph called in with his prediction that, since she’s into guys, not chicks, likes to be tied up and is a big pot head, Taylor would win.
To reinforce that claim, John gave her a 9. Richard said he’d give her a 9, but would change that to a 10 if she’d make out with his other favorite, Renee. She got the 10 from Richard — Artie said he’d change it to an 11 if she’d make out with him — and Gianni locked it up with another 10. That makes Taylor the winner, with a score of 29. Taylor thanked the judges and her other contestants. Then it was time to bring out the guys from HushDVD.com to present Taylor with her check for $5000. To celebrate, Taylor took her pants off.