Keys to a Good Night's Sleep

Howard said that after he watched some of the Elton John concert that aired on NBC last night, he decided to order a porno from On Demand.

Howard reported that he picked a movie that was supposed to feature barely legal girls, but added that the woman in the first scene looked like she was 34.

Gary then commented that whenever he sees a porno that's supposed to have young girls in it, the actresses are always much older than the parts they play, and that to compensate for the age discrepancy, they wear pigtails and hold lollipops. Gary also observed that, although the girls in barely legal movies purport to be virgins, he has a hard time buying into the idea when the girls are covered with tattoos and seem to know what they're doing sexually.

Howard mentioned that, after he "took care of business" to the second scene in the movie, he fell right to sleep. However, Howard went on to say that by 9:30 p.m. he was wide awake, so he broke down and took some Ambien.

After commenting that the Ambien knocked him out until 5 a.m., he added that he was going to call in sick this morning because of his illness, but decided against it. Artie pointed out, though, that if there were ever a time for Howard to skip a show, it would be now.