Sal the Stockbroker sent Howard a very odd email request the other night. Actually, he asked Gary to send it to Howard for him and Howard was convinced that Sal was just goofing on Gary because the request was so weird. Sal wanted to know if he could crash at Howard's apartment tonight because he's doing he has a gig and needs to stay in the city.
Last night Gary told Howard he was positive Sal was serious about this and not goofing on him but even this morning Howard thought it was probably just a goof. Sal came in to the studio and put all those doubts to rest. He said that he was absolutely serious about wanting to stay the night at Howard's and didn't think there was anything weird about the request. Sal just didn't have a place to stay so he figured he'd ask Howard. At this point Howard realized just how serious Sal was and told Sal he's a big weirdo. Howard told him it's not his problem he doesn't have a place to stay and there are fifty million different places he could stay in the city other than Howard's. He told Sal he doesn't want him to stay at his apartment and now he never wants Sal to step foot his apartment ever.
Gary thought Sal had the whole thing figured out in his head when he made this request to him which made it really funny. Sal just figured it would be no big deal to crash in a guest room, wake up in the morning, take a quick shower and then share the limo with Howard in the morning on their way in to work. Gary said that, while Sal was saying all of this in the back office yesterday, Roberto from the sales department was laughing his ass off. Sal even bet money with Gary and Roberto that Howard would say yes - now it looks like Sal is out of a place to stay and a lot of money.
From Creepy to Scary
As Sal the Stockbroker revealed more about his reasons for wanting to spend the night at Howard's he kept digging himself into a creepier and creepier hole. Sal said that he thought that Howard and he had a personal relationship outside of the show but Howard said they really didn't. Sal also said that he'd been trying to find a way to bring their relationship to "the next level" and thought that by having a sleepover they could do just that. Howard couldn't believe the things Sal was saying and thought he was coming off like a complete woman. He told Sal that their relationship will never go to "the next level," whatever that means. Gary said it sounded like Sal was looking to get to second base with Howard. Sal said he was really shocked by Howard's reaction because he had the whole night planned out in his head and he thought they'd have a lot of fun. Sal said that he and Howard both like "Survivor" and figured the two of them could kick back, drink some beers and watch the show. Sal said he was also thinking of cooking some burgers for Howard. Gary said that when Sal told him this yesterday he told Sal that Howard just wants to go home, bang his model girlfriend and not deal with anyone else. Howard completely agreed and said that Sal's fantasy did not sound like a fun idea to him all. A caller jokingly claimed that he heard that Sal really wanted to cook "Engagement Chicken" for Howard.
Why Can't We Be Friends?
Apparently Sal came up with the idea of asking to sleep over Howard's place after a heart-to-heart he had with Luis the Board-Op the other day over lunch. Luis said that Sal kept asking him why he couldn't be that guy that Howard hangs out with. According to Luis, Sal was also upset that Howard doesn't make overtures to him to hang out on a daily basis. Luis only suggested that Sal ask Howard out to lunch sometime, not ask to spend the night at his place! Sal then started to tell Howard about how he's friend with guys like Ross Zapin, Ralph Cirella and Dominic Barbara and they are all lunatics, so he was really hurt to learn that Howard can't stomach Sal staying over his place for one night. Sal wanted to know why he and Howard couldn't hang out more and why Howard never made an effort to get to know him better. Robin told Sal that he can't force a friendship to happen and Howard agreed, saying that this conversation certainly seals that deal. Sal then griped that he guesses he has to be an arrogant attorney from Long Island to be Howard's friends and Howard told Sal that he was really starting to scare him. Howard couldn't believe that Sal was trying to compete with his friends and told Sal that he had absolutely no idea what those friendships were based on or the nature of them or anything. Howard said he was really creeped out that Sal was thinking about is friends in the first place. He pointed out that Sal probably never thinks about Will or Jason's friends, so why is he thinking about his. Howard said Sal was acting like Howard was a hot chick and he can't believe that he's "dating" these other "loser" guys.
Howard pointed out to Sal that plenty of guys who work here live in the city so he wanted to know why Sal didn't ask any of them. Howard rattled off a list of names that included Jason, Will, Benjy, Fred, Luis, Doug Goodstein, Richie Wilson, Isaac Mark, and Mike Gange and that probably wasn't even everybody. Howard thought Sal must be a star f'er since it's so important that Sal stay at his house and be friends with him. Howard wanted to know why Sal didn't act this way towards any of the other guys in the office. Sal started to "wah wah wah" about what a tough childhood he'd had and how he's constantly looking for a "daddy" replacement so he guesses that's what he's looking for. Sal started to say something about how he was forced to spend his whole childhood in his father's pizzeria which Artie thought sounded like a great time to him. Howard then pointed out that latest edition of Page Sixty Nine revealed another disturbing item about Sal. According to the show's gossip column, Sal was seen rifling through the guest releases the other day looking for Ace Frehley's home phone number. Sal said that was true although he claimed that the release was just sitting out on a desk. He said he just wanted to look at Ace's release out of curiosity - but that didn't really make any sense to anyone. Howard realized for the time just how mentally ill Sal was when Ace was on the show and now he knows for sure how crazy Sal is. Howard finally kicked Sal out of the studio at that point and told him to never bring up this subject again. A caller suggested Howard have security check out his apartment tonight before he goes home.