Short People Have One Reason to Live

Howard had the comedian, Mike Morse, into the studio. As soon as he sat down, Mike mentioned, before he was married a decade ago, he had sex with a woman who was "an inch over" being a midget. After Mike reported he and the woman dated for a short time, Howard wondered if her feces looked like rabbit pellets, but Mike acknowledged he never saw any of her droppings. Mike then said he hadn't been asked to participate in Gary's roast a week from Wednesday, which he admitted surprised him because he'd performed at both Ronnie and Ralph's roasts.

Despite this, Howard pointed out he thought Mike was funny, and that he enjoyed his popular songs "Ralphie Cakes," "He's a Rich Nerd" and "Dana Dumped You," all of which he proceeded to play. This led Howard to wonder if Artie was able to get any women when he was in Los Angeles last weekend, but he responded he spent so much time sleeping that he didn't think he "even talked to a woman" while he was there.

After taking a call from a man about to be sent to Iraq, Howard asked Artie and Mike the following question: Would they rather go to Iraq for five years, spend a decade in jail, or perform oral sex on a man everyday for a year. While Mike said he'd take the oral sex choice, Artie responded "cock wasn't an option," and, since he said he'd end up having to have sex with men if he went to jail or if he picked the third proposal, he chose Iraq.