Artie started his routine by calling Robin an elitist and that, if Daniel Carver wanted to live away from black people, he should move next to her. Artie then said Howard missed the funerals of his grandfather and Gary's dad, yet Robin still beat him on the narcissism test, before noting he could see Beth and Heather Mills one day talking about their divorces and the money they got from them.
Artie went on to say he was jealous that Jackie was able to get sleep since he left the show, especially given the stressful days he had ahead of him when he had to be on the most popular radio show in the morning and then do things like perform at Carnegie Hall and tell his assistant exactly how he wanted his Mercedes detailed. Artie then told Sal his wife thought he was a creep, and that it was the first time he had ever agreed with "a loud-mouthed, Long Island c*nt."
After discussing the fact that Sal let his two sons sit on the Sybian, Artie told Sal and Richard they "sucked" at standup comedy, and that, when he once told them that they were funny, he reminded them that he was on heroin. Artie then added that, on the night in question, he would've laughed "at a video of a man raping his grandmother." When he got to Gary, Artie said there were two Garys on the show: one of them was retarded, and the other one lived in Oregon.
Artie next told Gary he was as ugly as a horse, but "twice as smart," before telling Sal to "f' off" as the crowd roared and applauded.