The Queen of Hearts

As Joan Rivers made her way into the studio, Howard played a clip of her scolding a fellow guest on a British show for allegedly claiming she was a racist. Joan explained that the man in question, who is black, had left three wives, all of whom were white, as well as his children and, at the time, had just made a documentary chronicling how bad racism is in the world. Joan then commented that she ran into the Trumps before she came in and that, in addition to her looks and intelligence, Ivanka was also "really nice." Joan went on to say that she's kind as well, noting that, four times a year, she delivers meals to shut-ins through the Meals on Wheels program. Although Joan acknowledged that participating in the program brings her good press, she added that she also gets a free meal if anyone on her route dies, which she said is a nice bonus.

Howard pointed out that Joan was wearing fur, which she responded doesn't bother her. In fact, Joan claimed that she's so obsessed with her wardrobe that she'd wear human skin if she thought it would look good. Joan then mentioned that comedians are the only people who don't deny when they've had plastic surgery, before insisting that she's never had any work done to her lips.

Howard brought up that E! lost both him and Joan in a short period of time and he asked what her thoughts were about the channel. Joan replied that the people at E! were always good to her and her daughter, Melissa, so she had no problems with anyone from the network. Joan added that she never watched her initial red-carpet replacement, Star Jones, on E!, and that its current host, Ryan Seacrest, won't speak to her. Joan went on to say that other celebrities, like Annette Benning and Diane Keaton, refuse to talk to her as well, simply because they couldn't handle jokes she made about them. Joan added that "the dumb ones" don't understand that her red-carpet critiques are all tongue-in-cheek and not meant to be taken personally.

Howard asked Joan to talk about her relationship with her one-time friend, Johnny Carson. Joan responded that Johnny was "the best straight man ever," but that he held a grudge against her for 17 years and that she wasn't allowed to be appear on any NBC late night television show because of it. Howard noted that he didn't agree with Johnny's action and that he'd never ban anyone, even his worst enemies, from being able to get work. Howard then noted that Joan also has it out for Ben Stein, who he said exaggerated facts about her in a newspaper article he wrote years ago. Joan recalled that the piece Ben wrote claimed that she laughed at her husband's funeral, an allegation that she said upset Melissa. Joan commented that she wouldn't be mad at Ben if Melissa hadn't been affected by his words, but that, because Melissa was, she'd never be able to forgive him for what he did.