Howard noted that several of the people in the studio audience for the Daniel Carver roast were wearing anti-Leslie Moonves t-shirts, which he admitted he appreciated. After addressing two of the women in the crowd, Howard introduced the roast's host, the Rev. Bob Levy, as well as the man of the hour, Daniel Carver.
Howard mentioned that Daniel brought his KKK outfit with him to New York, but that he almost left it in his hotel room this morning. Daniel responded that, since no one from the show told him he had to wear his getup to the roast, he figured he wasn't supposed to wear it. Howard then asked what the maid who cleaned Daniel's hotel room would've thought had she seen his KKK outfit and Robin thought the woman would've stuck it in the laundry like she does with any other dirty sheet.
Howard said that, because Daniel was such a controversial figure, he was sure the roast was going to get heated. Daniel assured Howard, though, that he often goes to comedy shows and that he "laughs at funny." Daniel added that he was prepared for whatever the comics had to dish out. Bob kicked off the roast by noting that Daniel looked like "a big piece of sh*t wrapped in toilet paper." Bob also said that Daniel has "scared away more blacks in his life than a policeman with a flashlight." After Bob added that Daniel had to watch "Schindler's List" twice because he laughed through his first viewing, he pointed out that Daniel was so racist he ripped out the month of February from his calendar. Daniel acknowledged that Bob was "vicious," before referring to him as "a devil" when he found out that he's Jewish.
Bob first handed over the mic to Shuli, who likened his fellow comedian, Lisa Lampanelli, to "a drug mule without the drugs." Shuli went on to say that he finds Lisa "hot," especially because, ever since he was a kid, he's wanted to "f' the Michelin Tire Man." After commenting that he wouldn't be hearing Yucko the Clown's horn today because Yucko honks it only when he says something funny, Shuli reported that he grew up around black people, explaining his father used to work as a prison guard. Shuli then wondered who would take more stuff from the studio, "the black comics or Gilbert Gottfried," before noting that Daniel's son follows his father's beliefs, which shows that "the dumb f'ing retard doesn't fall far from the tree." Daniel responded to Shuli's routine by saying that he liked what he implied with his prison guard joke because "it's the truth."
The next comedian, Quentin Heggs, started his routine by saying that Daniel's penis is so small, he's "gotten two button holes pregnant." Quentin also mentioned that he agrees with Daniel's catchphrase – which he pointed out is "Wake up, white people" – and that white people really do need to wake up and "look at the sad piece of sh*t that's trying to guide them." After Quentin said that Daniel was so racist he won't even use black tar in his roofing business, he asked Daniel why he hates black people, which Daniel replied isn't the case. Quentin then told Daniel that he hopes he gets locked in a hotel room with Kobe Bryant and Mike Tyson and that "room service runs out of Vaseline."
Sal reported that it was easy to book Daniel today because he heard the words "roast" and "black" and immediately agreed to show up. Sal went on to mention that he had a new four-letter word for Artie, "diet," before noting that Howard was involved in a game called "Win Howard's Money" and that the game's two contestants were Beth O. and Leslie Moonves. After Sal took some shots at Lisa – including telling her that "black guys love her p*ssy because that's where they hide the television sets" – he added that some of Daniel's views actually appeal to him and that he wanted to shake his hand because of the way he thinks. Following the remark, Daniel pointed out that Sal sounded more racist than he does.
While Artie was making his way to the mic, Bob commented that he's so big "his shadow weighs 200 pounds." Artie responded that he heard Dave Chappelle is stealing from Bob again, adding that Dave was on "The Tonight Show" the other night telling Jay Leno that he recently ordered a "shtrimp" cocktail. Artie then reported that Benjy was writing a health book, called "How to Get Morbidly Obese on Nothing But Soy Meat and Lettuce," and that Robin named her new boat "The S.S. Meats and Vegetables in P*ssy." Turning to Howard, Artie pointed out that his cosmetic surgery went well and that he has to do "a double take" every morning because he didn't realize "Brad Pitt had a radio show." Artie also said that his cousin was injured in Iraq, but that he still sent his prayers to Howard in hope that he gets the volume of his limo's heater fixed. Artie went on to note that he didn't understand how Daniel still gets people to join the KKK, asking him if he does his recruiting at "head-injury centers." Artie finished his set by telling Daniel that, on behalf of everyone with an IQ of more than 30, he needs to "shut the f' up."
Judy Gold, who was introduced by Bob as "the only 7-foot lesbian not in the WNBA," informed the comedian, Earthquake, that there's no "f" in the word "tooth," before acknowledging that she couldn't even look at Daniel. After Judy wondered if Daniel had a smaller "mind or d*ick," she admitted that he's an original because he's the only person who ever "jerked off" to "Mississippi Burning." Following Judy telling Daniel that she'd want to be next to him if a plane they were riding crashed into water because "sh*t floats," Daniel said that she's so ugly, "she could trick or treat over the telephone." When Daniel admitted that he got his joke from Larry the Cable Guy, Artie informed him that Larry didn't write it either
Modi was the next comic to take the floor and he pointed out that he did some research and discovered that Daniel is actually "a self-hating Jew." Modi added that Daniel has a musical written about him called "Diddler on the Roof," before launching into a parody of "If I Were a Rich Man." However, when Modi claimed that Jewish people couldn't have killed Jesus because they wouldn't have carried his cross, Daniel informed him that Jesus actually carried his own cross. Following a remark Modi made about black people, Daniel again pointed out that the comedians seemed more racist than him. Bob then added that, after his performance, Modi once again "took it up the ass."
Yucko, who chose to wear "blackface" for this morning's festivities, began his time by mentioning that Lisa Lampanelli has "f'ed more black guys than sickle cell anemia," before commenting that Daniel's wife was so ugly that he should throw a sheet over her head as well. After Yucko made a comment about the weight of Daniel's daughter, Daniel replied that he likes clowns, so Yucko was his favorite performer at the roast. When Howard then asked Daniel why he's missing so many of his teeth, Daniel told him he's had trouble with his teeth given his age and that he can't afford to go to a dentist.
When comedian, Romont Harris got to the mic, he told Robin that she and Condoleezza Rice both graduated from H.N.U., which he said stands for "House N*gger University." Following some jokes about Lisa Lampanelli that got no response from the crowd, Romont acknowledged that he doesn't understand why some white people are racist, given that they go to tanning salons to "look like black people." More silence followed, at least until Yucko honked his horn, which got a laugh from the crowd. Because Romont was pulled over by the police on his way to the show this morning, Sal asked him if there was any chance he could get pulled over again so he could get out of the studio. Angry Black, who was in the studio audience, then commented that Romont's material was "so bad" that it should be dropped over Baghdad. As Angry and Romont continued to exchange words with each other, Daniel pointed out that he liked watching them argue. This led Artie to say that the roast wasn't going to be a success if most people ended up on Daniel's side afterwards.
Corey Holcomb informed Daniel that he was going to "gag on his ass," which he explained in "the hood" meant talk about his mom. Corey proceeded to tell Daniel that his mom's pap smear was "so nasty that the Q-Tip the doctor used during her pap smear looked like a Sugar Daddy," before informing him that his breath smelled so bad that he hoped "the Taliban would fly a peppermint airplane into the back of his throat." Corey then asked Daniel why he hates black people, and Daniel again claimed that he doesn't hate anyone. However, Daniel went on to say that, according to the bible he reads, black people are "savage animals," and that's why he thinks of them as inferior to whites.
As Gilbert Gottfried was preparing his comments, Daniel insisted that Gilbert actually liked him, regardless of the insults he threw his way. Gilbert replied by telling Daniel that he was going to be "gagging" on him as well and that he was upset Modi took his "If I Were a Rich Man" bit. After Gilbert told a number of one liners about black people and Jewish people, Sal noted that it sounded like he was using the same joke book as Kenneth Keith Kellenbach. Daniel added that he enjoyed Gilbert's performance, because he, too, "likes good n*gger jokes."
Lisa Lampanelli told Daniel that they both like "to screw black men," but that the difference is that Daniel lynches them while she merely gives them "a rash." After Lisa said that Modi wasn't offered a role in "Brokeback Mountain" because he would've made the movie "too gay," she added that "a horse sh*tting in a parade" has a bigger following than Gilbert Gottfried does. Lisa proceeded to inform Howard that she had more jokes for him, but that he'd have to pay $12.95 a month to hear them. Lisa closed her set by advising Daniel to not wear white after Labor Day, because doing so makes him look "ignorant and fat."
The final roaster, Earthquake, announced that the KKK is what happens "when women don't use prenatal care," before pointing out that Daniel didn't wear his uniform on the street because he would've gotten beaten if he had. Earthquake went on to recommend that if Daniel smoked marijuana, he'd "get rid of that white sheet sh*t." After Earthquake next asked Daniel for his address so he and his friends will know where to find him, Daniel mentioned that those kinds of comments were proving his theory that "all black people are violent." As Earthquake and Daniel continued to address one another, Howard acknowledged that they had a nice rapport together.
As is customary for people who have just been roasted, Howard opened up the floor to Daniel to respond to the comments made about him. Daniel told Howard, though, that he had "a great time" at the event, and that he's always "loved cartoons and comedy." Daniel added that "good comedians" were assembled for the roast, before once again saying that he had "a great time."