Since he missed his opportunity yesterday, Artie announced he'd tell his "dirty cop" stories this morning instead. Artie then recalled that one of his friends, who used to be a cop, allegedly worked as a middleman for a bookie at the time and would come to Artie's house to make transactions. Artie reported that whenever his friend would get a call on his radio of a crime in progress while they were making their bets, he'd just turn it off. Artie went on to recall that, as it turned out, his friend wasn't actually working as the middleman for a bookie, but was the bookie himself.Artie remembered that another of his cop friends used to pull over only attractive women and once asked a drunk driver how far it was between her house and place of work.
Artie then said that, after listening to her answer, his friend advised her she could either walk to work everyday, or "take care of the kid," as he pointed to his penis. Artie commented that his friend supposedly received oral sex from the woman, before noting that he got thrown off the force after five years of service. When Howard wondered if Artie could get his friend from the second story on the show, Artie replied that, since his life is still in shambles because of the stigma now attached to him, he felt there'd be a chance he could book him. Artie added, though, that his friend might buckle under the pressure of being on the air and be unable to tell his stories with any humor. However, Howard assured Artie that, after the way Michael Dowd told his stories without getting into details, he'd be prepared for anything.