Bob Schimmel and his daughter, Jess, made their satellite debuts with the show this morning. Jess told Howard that she's not working at the moment and has therefore thought about becoming a massage therapist who provides clients with "happy endings." Jess acknowledged that she doesn't think she's very good at providing hand relief, but that, at $100 an hour, she'd try to improve her skills. This led Howard to comment that, if he were a woman, he'd actually consider using his hand on men if it meant he could earn $100 a pop. However, Jess replied that she was just kidding about being willing to perform the act, before adding that she really is desperate to find a real job.
People Are Listening
As Bob refuted Howard's claim that some people think he's a "clean comedian" by talking about his ex-wife's refusal to give him oral sex during their marriage, Bob's cell phone began ringing. After looking at the name of the caller, Bob reported that it was his ex-wife trying to reach him and that he was sure she was listening to what he was saying about her. When Howard said that he was happy that Bob's ex-wife was a SIRIUS subscriber, Jess told him that his ex-wife, who's also her mother, received her SIRIUS system from her boyfriend for Christmas.
Laugh to Keep From Crying
After Jess commented that her parents will never get along with each other regardless of how much time passes, Howard said that Bob is one of the darkest comedians he's ever known. To illustrate his point, Howard noted that Bob still makes jokes about his son, who passed away years ago at the age of 11. Bob responded that what Howard said is true, before mentioning that he told the Make-a-Wish Foundation that his son's dying wish was to watch Dolly Parton "blow his dad." Howard responded that, at the very least, Bob's son provided him with a few minutes of good material for his act during his short life.
Love From the West Coast
Jess told Howard that she's been contemplating moving back to Los Angeles, but that she doesn't want to leave New York without having had sex with someone from the city. Jess went on to explain that she's lived in New York for a year, but that the only sex partner she's had in that span was a friend of hers who flew in from California to see her. Jess added that she's going to Los Angeles next week for a visit and that she already has a sex-date lined up with one of her friends while she's there.
Fooling Man's Best Friend
Bob recalled that he wanted to share a trick that he once played on his dog, Charlie. Bob told that, after Charlie moved his bowels in the backyard, he collected the feces and put it on his kitchen floor. Bob said that he then called the dog into the kitchen to blame him for the mess and that, upon smelling it, Charlie looked like he couldn't believe he had gone to the bathroom in the house without remembering it. Howard replied that the prank sounded funny, but that Bob went through too much trouble just to fool his dog.