Jeff the Drunk Sans His Hat Is a Sweaty Sight

Howard commented that he'd never seen his next guest, Jeff the Drunk, without his hat and he noticed his head looked "really sweaty."

However, Jeff told Howard that, although he might've been "greasy," he wasn't perspiring.

Jeff went on to say that he sold 700 copies of his CD, "Jeff Takes Manhattan," to record stores, but that he didn't know how many discs have actually been purchased by customers.

When Artie noted that Jeff should consider doing a CD signing in order to boost sales, Jeff told him to "book it, bitch."

Nothing But Dead Weight

Jeff reported that his right arm has been "dead" since 1986 and Howard noted that Dr. Ellen McGrath might have been onto something when she suggested on "Meet the Shrink" that he have it amputated.

Jeff replied, though, that, with his luck, doctors would find a way to make his arm functional again the day after he had his arm cut off.

As Howard admitted that he understood Jeff's logic, Jeff interrupted him to give "shout outs" to women named Sue and Donna.

How to Handle a Rough Crowd

As Jeff started singing his cover of Jimmy Buffett's "Margaritaville" to prerecorded music, Sal came into the studio and waved a plastic penis in front of his face.

Following his performance, Jeff mentioned that he was allowed to record his renditions of the songs on his album without getting permission from the people who originally wrote the music, explaining that covers don't require such approvals.

When Gary then asked Jeff who played the actual music on his CD, Jeff simply replied, "Joe."

Jeff then sang "Born to be Wild" by Steppenwolf and Howard pointed out that, during his rendition, Sal dumped the contents of a trash can on Jeff before leaving the trash can itself on his head.

Keeping His Priorities Straight

Robin said she couldn't believe how long the fingernails on Jeff's dead hand were, while Howard wanted to know how his mother was getting along this morning without him.

As usual, Jeff insisted that his mother is dependent on him and added that she wouldn't be able to "eat a f'ing thing" until he got home. Jeff went on to say that he gets $600 a month through social security, as well as another $130 per month in food stamps.

However, when Howard mentioned that Jeff and his mother should be able to live on that money alone, Jeff reported that he spends $149.95 of that money per month on cigarettes, and between $200 and $300 on booze.

Jeff also said, though, that his mother doesn't like to eat, so she doesn't want anything fancier than the grilled-cheese sandwiches he often makes for her and that saving money would therefore not make her life any better.

Robin then pointed out that, to her, it sounded like Jeff's mom was trying to starve herself just to get away from her son.