Howard opens up by discussing Artie's clean shave and asking if Artie did any heroin this weekend. Artie says no, but he did gamble over the break. He's up $35,000, and put his bookie out of business.
Artie said his Battle of the Blobs team is going to hate him; after winning big, "that's the last I thought about dieting."
Artie went on to say that, while they're on the subject of gambling, he loved the Master Tape Theatre replay of KC's big gambling win...and subsequent loss. Howard agreed and said it's the worst gambling story he's ever heard. KC won $330,000 playing Internet poker with a royal flush.
Artie recalled KC was down to 200 grand in a day and it was all gone within 5 days. Artie said that, because he understood the extent of KC's gambling problem, he had encouraged KC to put it away for a down payment or something. Robin says that KC didn't just gamble, he shopped. Artie says KC's loft, before he left for LA, was better than the one on Friends, but "he didn't buy it, he signed a lease. Like an idiot".
Howard welcomed Andrea, Miss Howard Stern, on the phone. She said she's depressed and asks if everyone on the show hates her. Gary said he's been hearing from Andrea's "people" that Andrea's upset by the arrival of Miss Black Howard Stern. Andrea said she's not upset, and is very lucky to be Miss Howard Stern. In fact, she wants to meet and do a photo shoot with Miss Black Howard Stern.
Andrea then repeats that she's depressed and needs to visit the show, prompting Howard to tell Gary to cancel the Miss Chinese Howard Stern contest. Gary thought Andrea was upset by Miss Black Howard Stern's audition tape, where MBHS says she won't be having any black babies. Artie said she must not be a drinker.
Sanjaya's Triumphant Campaign Continues
Robin said she missed the opportunity to vote for Sanjaya last week. Howard said he did as well. However, Sanjaya's still in it despite their lapses; in fact, he wasn't even in the bottom three.
Artie asked if all the American Idol contestants stay in the same house during the show. Howard answered no; a mental institution. Artie said his mother called to say she hates Sanjaya. Howard said Ralph's American Idol show which aired last Tuesday night was a big success.
Over vacation, Eric The Midget switched sides and is now voting for Sanjaya! Howard played a clip from the Wrap-Up Show of Eric saying "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em". Howard said the ultimate victory would be Sanjaya winning American Idol, because Simon would have to make good on his promise to quit the show.
Artie said his mother is retired and she tapes and analyzes the show; he had to hear about it while he was trying to eat his Easter dinner. Robin says she believes he can go all the way. Jon Hein's daughter Rachel wrote a letter to the show and Howard reads it. Rachel says that "The show is supposed to be a singing contest, not a popularity contest. Please stop telling people to support Sanjaya". Howard said his daughters love the idea of helping Sanjaya win, but he's ashamed to admit that they don't vote. Artie said he knew he liked them.
Howard said the girl who was on a hunger strike in protest of Sanjaya had to call off her strike; her doctor told her to stop. Howard said "she thought Sanjaya would be voted off in a week. Meanwhile, the doctor called in. He's voting for Sanjaya." Howard went on to say he doesn't believe she's striking at all; she still looks big.
Robin agrees, saying that there's no way she'd be hurt by a hunger strike. Howard plays a clip of another guy who is holding his own hunger strike. The guy says his bowel movements have been different. Howard said he's waiting for the guy to start hallucinating. Artie tells the guy to "have a sandwich." Howard said Bill O'Reilly interviewed a lawyer who claimed that what Howard was doing was illegal and that he should be sued. The woman said that Howard is intentionally interfering with malicious intent. Bill actually argued Howard's side, saying this probably helps American Idol.
Howard said yes; check the ratings. The woman says people are under "Howard Stern's spell". Artie said Bill should've ended the segment with "thanks, stupid". Eric the Midget called in and Howard asked if he is for once having some fun. Eric said yeah and added that even Jennifer Lopez and Pink are voting for Sanjaya. Eric went on to say that he voted for Sanjaya 125 times after he got off the air with Ralph.
Artie Lange: Heartbreaker
Artie said his relationship with the girl from Atlantic City is over. The break was amicable; she thought Artie would be "more committed to the whole thing".
Artie said they had sex 3 times at his place in a day and half. But when she asked if she could leave a couple things in a drawer and asked for a key, Artie denied her request and told her that he didn't want to be committed on any level.
Robin said Bubba says Akira is serious about f'ing Artie. Artie said he doesn't need her and that he took a broad from Philly to see the Allman Brothers and Leslie West. He said she has a crazy-strong Philly accent, and, mocking Eric the Midget, added that sex was up to her. Artie said that Gregg Allman came over to introduce himself while the rest of the band was in the middle of a long jam. Gary, who was at the same concert with his son Jackson, said the show was amazing, but the solos/jams go on real long. He said that, at one point, all the guitarists left while just the bass player and drummer jammed for a half hour. Howard said he hates extended jams; it's why he hated the Cream reunion.
Robin agreed, saying the only station she avoids on Sirius is the jam-band channel. Artie said he also took the girl and her friend to a Yankee game, noting that the whole outing cost him $1,100...and the Yankee's lost on top of it all. Artie said the cost was so high because they ate and drank at the game. Gary argued that it's because Artie orders "double Jacks," which are insanely expensive at the ballpark. Artie admitted this was true, but added that his date was "a drinker" herself.