Suckers, Shacking Up, & Subutex

A return from the break leaves everyone with a lot to cover

June 4, 2007

After welcoming everyone back from vacation, Howard said Beth was on him to call Artie over the break. Artie said the whole debacle is Robin’s fault, as he never called Howard a “jerk,” just a “sucker”.

Robin claimed that there’s no difference. Howard says the papers went crazy with the Artie-departure story, and he had had to explain to Beth that it was sad, but “Artie’s gotta do what Artie’s gotta do.” Artie agreed with Howard that leaving the show made no sense career-wise.

Artie admitted that he talked to a therapist over the break, and the therapist had asked him if there was any way he could get better without leaving the show.

Artie said that unfortunately, heroin was what got him thin the first time. Howard mentioned that Ralph doesn’t understand Artie’s stress, because Artie can do nothing all day every day, whereas Jon Hein and Gary have to go home to busy family lives. Artie said the therapist felt he needed to address his issues after his 4-day, Subutex-assisted heroin recovery.

Artie then revealed that he’d “shacked up with a chick for three days”, and they had even gone on an idyllic day-trip to Lake Wallkill. When pressed, Artie admitted this was the same chick he “re-connected” with before the break. Artie said “he came 18 times” over the break, and added that he was able to reveal this because she doesn’t have Sirius.

Artie said they stayed for three days in a posh, $2000-a-night hotel, and even watched the Yankee game from bed. Then they drove to Lake Wallkill, which was Artie’s first time ever visiting a lake. Artie said “it wasn’t a Great Lake but it was a pretty good lake”.

Eric the Midget called in to welcome Howard back, and said that he’s confident Artie won’t leave. Should Artie ever leave, Eric bet that three things would happen before Artie gets another job; 1. the Yankees will the win the championship, 2. Eric will get a job, 3. Eric will get laid. Howard played a message in which Eric said he’d never apologize for backing out of the flying-with-balloons stunt because Howard left him on hold too long. Eric says no one cares about the AC in Howard’s limo, adding that he hopes Howard freezes his big nose off. Howard told Eric that he can’t always get to his call; it’s not the “Howard & Eric Show”.