Mattress Humpers Unite!

Artie told a story about jerking off to a chick he met over the weekend, laughing that he did it Eric the Midget-style (face-down, humping the mattress/pillow) and "loved it." Howard asked if Artie just laid in his own "splooge" afterward, so Artie confessed that there was some post-hump "maneuvering" involved. Howard wanted to know why Artie didn't pursue the girl for real, and Artie confessed that he had Teddy investigate, but she turned out to be engaged. Howard got Eric the Midget on the line to tell him that his "girlfriend" appears on a new strip-club flyer, which reads: "Meet Eric the Midget's girlfriend before he does." Eric asked to be called "Eric the Songwriter" now that he's picked up a new hobby, but Howard wanted to hear a song before officially sanctioning the name-change. Eric then promised to sing the song he wrote for his "girlfriend" by Thursday.