A listener wanted to play a game, so Howard let him play The Stern Staff Schoolyard Game, in which he has to match the staffer with their most heinous act of schoolyard mischief. Three right answers wins. Howard then started in with the questions (and multiple choice answer prompts):
Who on our staff was suspended for stabbing a girl with a pencil in the fifth grade; Ronnie, Robin or Sal? The caller correctly went with Ronnie. Ronnie came in to explain that he stabbed the girl in the arm for saying something to him, but he couldn't remember what.
Who was suspended for calling their art teacher a fag in a packed school auditorium; Will, Artie or Jon Hein? The caller incorrectly chose Will - it was Jon Hein!? Jon came in to explain that it'd just been an offhand joke during a school variety show performance.
Who was suspended for teasing their bus driver with a penis puppet; Sal, Richard or Benjy? The caller went with Benjy – but the correct answer, of course, whenever a penis puppet is involved, was Sal.
Who was suspended for forging his mother's signature on school absence notes; Gary, Fred or Jason? The caller incorrectly chose Jason, but the right answer was Gary. Gary came in to note that he forged over 50 notes before getting caught.
Who was suspended for throwing a snowball at a school secretary and shooting a teacher with a water pistol; Richard, Scott the Engineer or Artie? The caller rightfully went with Artie. Artie explained that he was throwing the snowball at a friend and it went over his head and hit the secretary. The other incident involved a teacher named Mrs. Fulcomer (seriously). Artie described a long history of torturing her, laughing that it culminated with him covertly squirting her in the face with a water pistol until she cried...and he was suspended.
Which staffer told a fellow student that he was going to f' them in the ass; Will or Richard? The caller chose Will – but he should have gone with the obvious answer: Richard. Sal laughed that Richard whispered the kind words in gym class.
Who got in trouble for drawing a picture of a girl and writing mean things about her; Scott, Robin or Jason? The caller incorrectly chose Scott – the right answer was Robin. True to Stern show form, Howard awarded the money to the caller anyway.