Artie's Back...Dana's Not

Artie started off the show taking on everyone's concerns about the reason behind his absence yesterday, even saying he'd submit to a drug test. Howard didn't think that was necessary, but Robin sarcastically laughed that she totally believed Artie's "attack AC unit" story. Artie said he'd managed to recover from his AC-induced illness with some antibiotics but quickly shot it all to hell after a friend told him that Dana was dating again: "It wrecked me. I was devastated."

Artie said he was so upset by the news of Dana's new man, he ended up yelling at the person who told him about it, finishing off a half-empty bottle of Jack and then putting a decent-sized dent in bottle of Johnny Walker Blue. Artie added that he was particularly distressed by his mental image of Dana's new guy: "There's just no way I'm a better catch...unless he's an obese heroin addict." Artie continued to beat himself up and, looking back at what he'd lost, sadly regretted that Dana had a "tight little body with a beautiful ass – and that was mine." Robin told Artie that he couldn't expect Dana to keep her hot body on the shelf forever, and Artie agreed: "Maybe I'm still in love...The only positive is that I probably make more money than the guy. Can you imagine if I didn't have that?" Howard then asked if Artie thought Dana was sleeping with her new guy, which only further upset him: "I don't know! It's all bad!"