Joan Rivers Is a Red Carpet Cop

"Fashion Police" star also shares her thoughts on Conan Vs. Leno

Joan Rivers stopped by to promote her return to E! with her 'Fashion Police Oscar Special,' and told Howard to excuse her appearance: "I used to weigh 107 and I was so happy. Now I weigh 116 and I want to kill myself...I never had a stomach in my life and now I have this big stupid stomach."

Howard asked if she had a guy, so Joan clarified: "It's worse. It's higher up. It's like those women who look like pigeons...I think I'm pregnant. Howard, ask me why."

Howard obliged, setting Joan up: "I haven't had my period since 2004."

Joan then held court on young Hollywood's obsession with plastic surgery, saying she was fine with it, but thinks it should be kept under wraps: "I thought [Heidi Pratt] was stupid to talk about it."

Joan went on: "Look at Goldie Hawn. You don't recognize her from [her] first movie."

Howard cited Jennifer Aniston as someone who seemed to have had some work done, and Joan agreed, wondering if psychology had anything do with it: "She's so unhappy."

My Dinner Date Died

Joan told Howard she had a date die during dinner 7 months ago, joking that she didn't notice at first: "It was horrible. He just got very quiet...his eyes were open."

Joan laughed that he must have enjoyed his final moments: "Knowing me I was in the middle of a good story."

Joan says she told a waiter and they called the paramedics: "It was a whole big thing. It was very interesting. Everyone just kept eating."

Joan said the worst part was that he died before their dishes came: "I'd just ordered this really good salmon meal and I couldn't eat it."

She ate after she got home from the hospital: "We all mourn in our own way. I mourned with a great steak."

Joan on Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, and Ghosts

Howard thought Joan must have an opinion on Jay Leno's return to 'The Tonight Show,' and Joan didn't disappoint: "I'm so happy because I don't have to take Ambien anymore."

But she also had no sympathy for Conan: "The luckiest unfunny white man in America...I don't find him funny. Maybe it's generational."

Joan didn't have anything better to say about her own return--to the E! Network: "It's shit money...but I love the work, Howard."

Howard asked about 'Mrs. Spencer,' the ghost Joan believes once lived in her home, so Joan explained: "This is fourteen years ago when I first moved into the apartment."

Joan has since discovered another ghost at another residence: "My best friend. Who I adored. He's living in my house in Connecticut. He's been seen by 4 different people."