Fred's Handy Conception

After Howard read a news story saying that couples average 104 attempts per pregnancy, Fred said he and Allison had that beat.

They struggled to conceive for 5 years, eventually resorting to artificial insemination: "The only painful part was walking through the doctor's office with my cup of gunk."

Fred said the only interesting porn material his doctor had was an old army-themed tape: "They were wearing camouflage outfits and mayhem ensued."

No Sperm for Robin

Frequent caller, Lilly asked Howard if he'd donate sperm to Robin if she asked, and Howard quickly said he would not--offending Robin: "You would not give me a child? How dare you?!"

Howard said he wouldn't trust Robin to keep the child's paternity a secret: "I don't trust you, because you will cave. I know you and you will tell this kid. You'll feel bad. You're a bleeding heart and you're out to save the world. You will tell that kid--eventually--that I'm the father."

Robin insisted that the question of paternity would never come up: "You don't understand what a great parent I am. They're never going to think about a father."

Gary laughed that Robin was displaying her true colors: "As a parent, that was a 33 on the narcissism scale."