Howard’s Glamorous Daily Ritual

Howard said he followed up lunges at the gym with a visit to his shrink–and left 45 minutes later “in a rage.”

When he got home, Howard raged through his routine, wolfing down his salad “like a hungry animal” and repeatedly flushing his toilet: “After I ate the salad to loosen me up. Then I had the whole problem with the toilet. Then I masturbated. But first I had to wash my hands for an hour.”

Howard continued: “After I masturbated, I shimmied over to the toilet again–to pee–so I’d stop the disgusting junk from coming out of my penis…then I got in the shower and did my stupid shaving. Because I think I look better with a little stubble on my face. What an asshole. Idiot. Look at me. You think it makes a lick of difference?”

Howard then considered going to sleep–at 5:30.