Valerie Bertinelli stopped by to her new cook book, "One Dish at a Time," and Howard immediately asked how she liked her Van Halen, with David Lee Roth or with Sammy Hagar.
Valerie demurred: "You might as well ask me if I'm a Democrat of Republican." Valerie later explained she enjoyed the full Van Halen catalog and thought each of the band's lead singers was equally talented. On the subject of all the people who have left the band (and Eddie's life), Howard speculated that the bond between Eddie and his brother, Alex, was eventually the cause of all the break ups – including their marriage. Valerie disagreed, citing the loneliness she experienced with Eddie on the road all the time and the cheating on both of their parts as the reasons behind their divorce. However, when Howard pressed for details on her cheating, Valerie refused: "Do we have to talk about what a shitty person I was?"
The Early Years
Valerie explained that "One Day at a Time" was her big break at 15, but added that it didn't really help make her popular in high school as she was rarely there. She added that her parents helped keep her grounded during her teens: "I didn't Lohan-out because I had great parents." However, her twenties were a different story, explaining that her coke diet helped her get down to 98lbs, but denied Eddie had anything to do with it: "I put the spoon in my nose…It was the 80's, everyone was doing it." Valerie claimed she was never addicted to it, however, and eventually quit cold turkey on her own.
The Other Men in Her Life
Howard asked about Valerie's dating history, pre-Eddie, noting that she has been linked with a young Steven Spielberg. Valerie confirmed it, but qualified her answer: "Yes, but for a New York minute." They met at a casting call for "Close Encounters," while she did not get the part, she did get a boyfriend in Spielberg for a couple of months: "I think he still has a couple of shirts of mine." Valerie further revealed that she lost her virginity to Scott Columby who was in a few episodes of "One Day at a Time" with her and went on to "Caddyshack" and "Porky's" fame. Howard wanted more details, asking who was bigger, Eddie or Steven Spielberg? Valerie blamed memory loss for her inability to answer: "Oh my god! I haven't seen Eddie's penis in 20 years anyway…and it's been even longer since I've seen Steven's."
...And Her Current Man
When Valerie revealed that she and her current husband, Tom, were coming up to their 8th anniversary, Howard invited Valerie's husband Tom into the studio. Asked how he managed to snag such a trophy wife, Tom joked that he had simply stalked her for 30 years and added that they met when Valerie was at her heaviest. At one point, while they were still dating, Tom watched Valerie and Eddie together and saw the chemistry between the two, compelling him to offer to step out of the picture – an offer that was flat out refused by both Valerie and Eddie. Tom waited a full month to even kiss Valerie, even though she was ready far sooner, prompting Howard to ask if she thought he might be gay: "Yes!" Howard wondered if Valerie came out on top in her divorce from Eddie, but Valerie said she hadn't: "I didn't want Eddie's money, that was his money." Tom, who is a financial planner, helps her manage the money she does have these days, which she claimed was enough for them to live comfortably: "I pay more taxes than Mitt Romney does." Valerie went on to explain that she and Eddie had kept separate bank accounts during their marriage and only had one joint account which was for Wolfie expenses.
And Finally, Grooming
Howard wondered if Valerie was groomed down below and learned that Valerie regularly gets Brazilian waxes. However, the same thing cannot be said about her facial hair, because waxing causes her to break out, so she's forced to shave the curse of many Italian women – her mustache. Upon further questioning, Valerie explained she did not get a full Brazilian, she claims there's no need for it because she has no hair back there…a fact her husband confirmed. As Howard continued to "dig," Valerie put her foot down: "No more ass hair!!"