The Staff's Handwriting Analyzed

Bart Baggett (according to Howard, "the leading handwriting authority in the world") called in to analyze the staff's handwriting--or really, update the analysis he'd performed on them 10 years ago. Bart said he'd retested everyone a few months back and had since written up his results:

SCOTT SALEM, according to his handwriting, "decided to trust no one" at an early age. His "cool and calm persona" would make him a great NASCAR driver, but a troubled childhood has left him "simmering inside." To Bart, Scott writes like a "pissed off tough guy."

GARY's script made Bart think he was smarter than he gets credit for, "but has a problem following directions--because he doesn't listen worth a damn." Several cues told Bart that Gary was "defiant and rebellious." Bart said SAL's test was barely legible: "This guy is an emotional rollercoaster. His handwriting looks like an epileptic chicken." Certain letters betrayed other traits: Sal is "a little self-destructive", suffers a massive need for attention, and can barely control his sex drive.

RICHARD, to no one's surprise, "writes like a high school girl." Bart said Richard was highly susceptible to suggestion: "He could get talked into something really kinky and then lie about it and pretend it never happened." JD's penmanship looked like that of a "mad scientist"--aggressive, but with a great eye for detail: "He has what I call an L. Ron Hubbard 'D', which means he'll be a great writer." Bart said JD was likely very intelligent but socially awkward: "Of all the people, he'd make the best terrorist."

HOWARD had evolved since the last test: "Your downfalls are stubbornness and vanity." Bart claimed Howard's handwriting resembled that of Hitler and Einstein, a style common with people who are "dominant and pushy" but also "borderline brilliant."

Bart said ROBIN's pen exuded warmth: "She's affectionate." Her double-curled "O" displayed a desire for attention and a tendency to take criticism very personally. Bart also declared Robin's signature the easiest to forge.