Jim Breuer is Sober By Default

Jim Breuer stopped by to promote his new Comedy Central special, 'Midlife Madness', saying it was a survey of his life as an aging, sober comic. Jim said that might sound depressing, but the alternative, that of a hard-drinking comic, was worse: "They start thinking that's what they need to be funny and that's a bad crutch." Jim remembered "partying my nuts off" so hard as a young comic that he once attempted to stop a woman at his table from disrobing--and was promptly thrown out: "I didn't realize we were in a strip club."

Jim said the biggest burden of aging is his parents, both now in their eighties--and living separately. After his mom was caught beating his dementia-prone father, Jim sent her off to a retirement community: "I had to put my mom in independent living. Where she has thrived. I have to say, she's become a new human." She's even started hinting at a connection with her neighbor: "She'll say things like, 'You know, Jerry next door needed help with his microwave oven...'" But Jim's father still lives with him, and with the help of a nurse, shits on schedule. "And when he drops a deuce, it lights up the whole floor. It's a gag festival." The gag plague can strike twice a day, after meals: "It's like a baby. You just fed the baby..." Luckily, the elder Breuer's disabilities don't extend to masturbation: Jim's dad recently beat it hard enough to faint, causing Jim to have to call 9-1-1: "He played with his yoyo somehow and put himself right into a coma."